Author's Note: Thank you so much for reading! I wasn't sure in the beginning if I wanted to make this a one shot or a full series, but several lovely reviews convinced me to keep going. This is my first serious fanfic, so I am honored by the reception it's gotten. I will continue to post new chapters until I feel like the story is told. We are going to spend a few chapters in Edward's head. I hope you enjoy!
Disclosure: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters here. I don't profit from this. I just love the story.
EPOV
Every moment I spent away from her was complete pain and desperation. Nothing mattered from the second I first saw Bella except for Bella, the new center of my universe. I was absolutely foolish to think that I could ever stand to be away from her, even for a minute. My heart was torn to shreds. My throat ached from thirst and my constant, tearless sobbing. All I could think about was Bella's smell, her taste, her lovely smile, brown eyes, her warmth, her soul…her soul. I left to protect her soul from the likes of me and my kind. That thought was enough to keep me away for a time, but I knew that time was quickly coming to an end.
At first, I cherished happy memories of her to get me through, like us dancing at prom or me running through the forest, carefree with her on my back. I told myself that she would move on and find someone to truly make her happy. I hoped that one day, from a distance, I could see her happily tending to her children or being a blushing bride. But each day it became harder and harder to push away how she looked at me the day I left her.
She believed me almost instantly. How could an angel as perfect as her possibly think that she didn't have my complete adoration, especially after all the times I had told her how much I loved her? Did she not see the boys at school clamoring for her affection or just a few minutes of her attention? I couldn't avoid the voice in the back of my head, "What if Bella is miserable too? What if you underestimated her love for you? What if she can't move on? What if she isn't safe?"
That thought was enough to make me jump up from my seat on a fallen log in a nature reserve in South America for the first time in…. days? weeks? Time stood still for me without my Bella, but I knew that it was still moving for the rest of the world. I could no longer handle not knowing if she was ok or if she was safe. I had to go check on her.
I ran to the closest city and only slowed down to walk into the airport at a human pace. Once I got to the ticket counter requesting the first flight into the US, anywhere in the US, I saw that the desk agent was terrified of me. I could see myself in her thoughts. My eyes were as black as night. My clothes were damp and disheveled. My hair wouldn't recognize a brush if it saw one. I wasn't carrying any luggage or anything to indicate that this was a normal trip. It looked like I was hastily running away from someone, and I was, away from my inner demons, or toward them, depending on interpretation.
The first flight to the United States was still two hours away. Thinking of how upset Carlisle would be if I called unnecessary attention to myself, I went into a shop for some new clothes. The snowflake and winter themed decorations were not lost on me. It must be close to Christmas. I had to decide the best way to approach this. I kept telling myself that I only wanted to see Bella from afar, just to see that she was alright, but deep down I knew that I wouldn't be able to resist her pull once I saw her lovely face or smelled her delectable scent.
I went into a bathroom and changed clothes, discarding my old ones. Christmas, I thought. Should I take her a gift? Bella hated gifts, or else I would have already gifted her the world and all its contents, or as much of it as my bank accounts would allow.
Should I just show up at her window? I decided that this probably wouldn't be for the best. I still needed Bella to have the choice of if she wanted me or not. I wasn't going to dazzle her and make her pick me. If there was already another man in her life, as I wanted for her, I would go and watch from afar. But what if Bella really was just as broken as me? How could I possibly make up my sins against her?
I could hear Rosalie in my head, remembering what she said the night I insisted on leaving. "Dumbass! Dick! Asshole! Even someone who doesn't like Bella can clearly see that she adores you and worships the ground you work on. Leaving is only going to hurt her and make things harder on the rest of us. You slime! You good for nothing-!" I pushed the thought away. I deserved everything she said to me and more. But right now, I had to come up with a plan for Bella. How could I possibly even begin to make up for the pain I've caused her?
"There's a call at the courtesy desk for Mr. Edward Cullen." A voice announced over the loudspeaker. I stood still. I had not spoken to my family in months. I spoke to no one in South America beyond what was absolutely necessary to get things I needed, like airline tickets. Who the hell would….Alice.
I walked to the desk and sighed before accepting the phone, knowing that she was going to verbally tear my head off for daring to come back and ruin Bella's future. I just knew that Alice was going to tell me that she was checking up on Bella, as I asked her not to, and saw her happy with another man and how dare I even think about interfering.
"Alice?" I asked into the phone.
"You could try getting a cellphone, brother. It would make this so much easier. I know you smashed yours the night you ran away." I pinched the bridge of my noise, trying to hold back my emotions and not make a scene.
"Why did you call me here?" I growled into the phone.
"I saw your decision to return to Forks. Buy Bella a gift, she will love it. And things will go much better if you don't show up unannounced. And buy a damn cell phone and text me!"
"But Alice, what should I get her? Have you seen -?" I tried to ask.
"No, follow your heart. You will figure it out. I'm still mad at you, you know. But I'll tell you all about that when I see you. Buy a damn phone." The line went dead and still in shock, I thanked the clerk for letting me borrow the phone and walked, paying little attention, into a little shop in the airport that sold basic model phones and plans. I bought the first one I saw and texted Alice. "There. This is my damn phone." I couldn't help but smile a little imagining her reaction to the text. She'd be mildly annoyed, but she would laugh. And I was on my way to see Bella.
What do I do about Bella? Alice said to buy her a gift. I couldn't very well show up with it, as Alice said not to show up unannounced. That was easy enough, I guessed I could go through her window while she wasn't home or was asleep and leave it for her. My breath caught at the thought of seeing Bella sleeping, smelling her delicious scent, seeing her gorgeous face relaxed into a dream. Would I be strong enough to stay away until she found my present? I decided to deal with that when the time came.
I knew that what I was doing was wrong. I am not and will never be good for Bella. I've gotten her into so much danger and put immeasurable strain on her relationship with her father. I just couldn't stay away. I decided that I would make it her choice though, as I absolutely did not want to tear away her happiness if she had found it without me.
My new phone vibrated in my pocket. It was a text. I recognized Esme's number:
You are making the right decision, son. Bella loves you very much. She will forgive you, and so will we. Safe travels. Love, Mom.
I have always considered myself lucky to have such a wonderful mother and friend in Esme. She has always been a gentle, nurturing soul. Wait – soul? Vampires don't have souls. But if they don't, I am positive that Esme and Carlisle are the exceptions. Esme had no idea how much this text meant to me and how much I needed it to snap me out of my brooding, at least for now.
What could I possibly buy Bella to even start to atone for the damage I've done? My flight was going to start boarding in another half hour. Time was moving so slowly, yet not as slowly as it was before when I was alone, rotting away in the outdoors. I spotted a stationary store near my gate and decided to start with an explanation. I owe Bella so much more, but an explanation would be a good beginning. I purchased a plain, white card, a nice pen to write with and some wrapping materials while I was somewhere that sold them. I didn't want to make any unnecessary stops on my way to Bella.
After I boarded the flight, I was relieved that I wouldn't have to sit beside anyone. I lowered my tray table and began by writing her name on the envelope. Even the act of applying ink to paper and seeing this one word in front of me calmed my nerves a little. I love Bella so much that just seeing her name brought me joy, but also reminded me of the pain within me that wouldn't go away until I could have her safely in my arms. I wasn't sure if this particular beast would ever have his satisfaction. It would all be up to Bella now.
Carefully, over the course of several hours, I thought about what to write and added it to her card one line at a time. I might never get an opportunity to speak to Bella. I must let her know that I'm sincere with this gift. Once I was satisfied with the card, although it could never express the depth of my devotion to her, I sealed the envelope and placed it in my large coat pocket. It was a good start. But how can I show her with more than just words how much I love her? How can I give her a physical part of me?
I remembered fondly how my human mother had always worn a locket with pictures of me and my father. My father had various trinkets of my mom's love for him as well, including a lock of her hair, a popular sentiment in my time. Thinking of my parents, I remembered that I had left some of my mom's jewelry in my things at the house at Forks. There was no point to packing up my room, unsure when I would rejoin my family, if ever.
Bella wasn't really one for jewelry. There was one ring that she usually wore though. I remembered a small sapphire and diamond ring of my mother's. It wasn't very flashy or showy, but it was beautiful. I decided that this, and the knowledge of whose it was, would serve as a visual representation to Bella of how much I loved her. I would gift her a gift that I had given no one else. A part of my human existence and a representation of my long-lost family.
I couldn't dwell on them now. But I was happy to have something productive to work on to bide my time until I could get to Bella. My plane landed in a major city in Texas. I wasn't even paying attention to where. I just had to get to Bella. To my dismay, the next flight going anywhere close to Forks was going to be at least a few hours. I considered driving, but the flight would still be faster. I bought a ticket and rented a car to go seek out items to complete my gift.
A few miles from the airport, driving aimlessly but careful not to wander too far, I came across an antique shop. I pulled in their parking lot and hesitated. Would Bella want something newer? Should I buy her something grand and expensive, despite her protests, to prove my love to her? My phone vibrated again, this time with a text from Alice:
Go in. You know she's just as old-fashioned as you are. She will love it.
I wondered what I ever did before Alice joined our family. I was grateful for her help in making sure that I didn't mess up my one chance to hopefully make things right with Bella. I decided right then that if this worked, I would buy her the nicest gift she's ever had. I would have to decide what to get her later.
My phone vibrated once more:
A Porsche. Yellow. I'll give you the details when we're reunited. I can't wait to see Bella!
Slightly shaking my head, I went into the antique shop. I walked around for a minute, seeing only the usual fares, dishes, pop culture items, vinyl records, home décor, but I paused at the jewelry display. A silver locket, likely as old as me, with a gardenia engraved on the front. It was perfect. I asked to see it, not caring about the price in the slightest. When I walked in, I had just barely noticed signs saying that the shop did engraving in house. I asked for them to add "All of me belongs to you, past, present and future." When they said that it would take a day or two, I offered nearly ten times their original price to do it while I waited, and they did.
A few hours later, I boarded my flight to Seattle. I was happy with the items I had chosen for Bella. Although I couldn't quash the doubts, that I shouldn't bring her in to my world, that I was no good for her, I couldn't help but feel relieved that I was heading towards her. I could hopefully see her face in just a few hours. Looking at my phone once we had permission to turn them back on in flight, I noticed that the date was December 23rd. I would rent a car and make it to Forks that afternoon. Images of her face flooded my mind and my throat burned a little as I remembered her delectable scent.
Now, the only questions that remained are how would I leave the gift? And how would she react? I comforted myself with the knowledge that even if she rejected me, I would never go this far away from her again. I would always watch from the shadows and see that she is safe. I noticed that I had missed another text from Alice. She likely sent it as I was boarding my flight. I opened the message:
I see several possibilities. The biggest issue is going to be Charlie. He is pissed at you for leaving her. If he finds out that you're back from Bella, he is going to lose it. He could shoot you (that would be fun to explain when the bullet bounces back!) or he may even yell so much that he gets a heart attack, but it won't go well. You should talk to Charlie first.
I groaned. I had been away from Bella for so long. I couldn't stand the thought of being away from her even a minute, no, a second, more than necessary. But I had learned my lesson about ignoring Alice and her visions. I would have to face Charlie first.
What felt like an eternity later, I had secured another rental car and made my way to Forks. I stopped in a parking lot a few hundred feet away from the police station. I could hear some of Charlie's thoughts as he did mindless paperwork. If I weren't already sitting, the images would have brought me to my knees. Bella, not sleeping, barely eating. Bella, with huge bags under her eyes almost mirroring mine. Bella, with tear stains all over her face hugging herself to try to stop crying. Bella, waking up multiple times a night screaming my name and crying "he's gone."
I buried my face in my hands and wished I could cry along with her in his memories. How could I have been so stupid, so careless? I thought that leaving Bella would make her happy and normal, even though I knew deep down that it would not. I had always argued that it couldn't possibly hurt her as much as leaving hurt me. I was her first love. She was human. Humans get over these types of things with time. But Bella was a shell of her former self. The faster you get this over with, the faster you can see Bella.
With that thought, I drove over to the police station and parked. I walked into the building at a human pace, with my head down and my hands in my pockets. Forks is so small; they have never needed a receptionist. I was immediately face to face with Charlie Swan. His face turned bright red and his anger was apparent. He glared at me and I could catch snippets of his thoughts. How dare he walk in here! I should arrest him! Where's my gun?! He was still seeing Bella in his mind, broken. It took all my strength to not curl up into a ball in the floor at his feet, but I knew that this wasn't the solution.
"Chief Swan." I stated, breaking the silence first. "Words can't express how sorry I am for the pain I have caused you and especially Bella. I had no intentions of hurting her. I had no idea that she felt as strongly for me as I do for her. I'd like to talk to you for a few minutes if that's alright."
He didn't speak at first, but I could hear his angry thoughts as he stared at me. Yeah, right. If he loved her, why'd he leave her. Bella isn't just his plaything for when he's in town and he needs to know that. Teenagers! Ha! If he thinks I'm going to let him anywhere near her, he's got another thing coming. I hope she doesn't know he's here. Oh no what if he called her? How will I ever get her to-?
"I'd just like an opportunity to explain what happened and ask for your blessing to apologize to Bella. I realize that your time is way more than I deserve. I know that I can never make up for how I hurt her. I also know that you have every right as her father to tell me to stay away from her." I added, keeping my head down and my hands in my pockets to show my sincere regrets.
"Fine." He said after another minute of silence. "Come sit in my office."
On the flight to Seattle, I decided to tell Charlie the truth as much as possible, leaving out the supernatural bits, knowing that he was skilled at determining when people were lying. I hoped that giving him as much of the truth as possible would put him at ease and help him understand how much I love Bella. He pointed me towards an uncomfortable wooden chair in his office and I accepted it with a quiet thanks.
Images of Bella were flashing through his head. His lovely baby daughter smiling at him, his teenage daughter trying her best to look thrilled about her upcoming senior year in Forks, his stunning daughter glowing as she walked down the stairs to me the night of our prom, his broken daughter crying her heart out and losing weight over a boy that wasn't worthy of her.
"Well?" he asked. It was clear that his patience was extremely limited.
"Chief Swan, I want to start with my sincere apology. I love Bella very much, so much more than I ever thought I could love anyone or anything." He snorted, but I continued. "I feel like Bella is always getting into danger around me, like when she fell down the stairs in Phoenix, when Tyler nearly ran her over with me standing right beside her, or when she fought with you as she left town. I don't ever want to be the one to introduce any kind of negative emotions or danger into her life. I only want to see her healthy and happy, so when my family decided to move to L.A., I knew it was best if I asked Bella to stay away from me, for her own good."
I continued, "I told her that I was no good for her and that my family and I wouldn't contact her again. But I've been miserable. I've been spending my days locked up in my room, crying and worried about the pain I've caused her. I've not been eating or sleeping," he didn't need to know that I don't normally do those things, "I've been refusing to spend time with my family, which has hurt them very much, and in return, me as well. I knew that Bella loved me, but I didn't want to keep her in harm's way as it seemed like I am just a danger magnet. I have always known that Bella deserves more than me and I wanted her to have that opportunity. But I've been consumed with the thought of just needing to see her, to talk to her and see that she's alright. I've learned my lesson. I can't live without her. I will, of course, let Bella make her own choices about if she wants me in her life or not. I would completely understand if she never forgives me. But I'm begging for your blessing to simply let her know how sorry I am. I won't see her if you don't want me to. Would it be OK for me to leave her a note or a gift with my phone number?"
Charlie sat silent yet again but was thinking. His hatred for me had dulled a little after my speech, but not by much. He was still seeing the mental images of how broken I had left Bella, but he also saw how broken I was too. Poor kid looks like he's not slept in weeks. He thought. He started remembering how much he loved Renee and how it broke his heart when she left him. He felt much the same as he imagined I did, like a major part of him was missing.
"How do I know that you won't just come prancing in her promising her the world, just to leave her again?" He asked. "What happens when your family wants to stay in L.A. and Bella isn't holding your interest physically anymore?" I could tell that these were both legitimate fears of his as well as his attempts to intimidate me.
"Sir, I love Bella very much. I will never leave her again if she will have me, until she orders me to. I'm not like my brothers and other teenage boys. I was raised very old fashioned. I don't believe in intimacy until marriage. And I would never propose marriage to someone that I didn't intend to be with forever. I'm 18 now," I lied, "And I would stay in Forks if Bella would have me even without my family. I could finish high school here and then go to college. When I think of who I want for my future wife, I hope that someday it's Bella, and that's another reason why I had to leave. We're only 18. I didn't want to scare her with how serious I am about her. I didn't want to take her life away from her and hold her back from having the full experience of dating and being young and carefree."
"I see." Charlie said. A clear sign that he wanted me to continue.
"All I want right now is a chance to apologize to Bella. She holds my heart in her hands. I need her to know that she is perfect the way she is and that I have never stopped loving her. If she choses not to be with me, I won't be happy, but I will accept that and let her be. If she should want to take me back, which I know I don't deserve, you have my word that I will never leave her unless she insists that I do. I will never stop loving her or caring for her. I will never intentionally hurt her. I will see that she always has everything she needs. I will encourage her to go to college and travel and do anything she wants. I have the financial means to take care of her fully if I should ever be so lucky as to be given that opportunity. It will always be Bella's decision though. I don't want to control her or scare her. I want the opportunity to love her as she is."
I could sense that Charlie was giving in. I had been at least convincing enough. He was tired of seeing Bella hurting and oblivious to life moving around her. He knew that I was serious and not just another teenage crush since I had made the effort to come talk to him first. He also considered all the things I could offer Bella and he could not, like college tuition. "I don't like this." He finally said, "I don't like this or you, to be clear, at all. But I was young and in love once too. You can leave a gift on our doorstep or bring it to me for her with a note. But that's it. I don't want you making any other contact with her unless she wants to talk to you. You will respect her. You will not leave her a broken mess for me to put back together again. If you should ever hurt her or so much as make her cry again even for a moment, I will come after you. Remember who you are speaking with."
"Yes sir." I said, completely agreeing that if I hurt Bella, I deserved to be shot, or worse. "I would like to leave her a gift and a note on your doorstep tomorrow, on Christmas Eve. I'll leave it for her to find since the weather should be nice, and I'll walk away. I'll be staying at the family home in Forks since we haven't sold it yet. I'll let her know where to find me if she wants to talk. You have my word that I will respect her wishes and I will not hurt her ever again, or I would beg you to come after me. I'll call Carlisle when I leave here and let him know as well. Esme is unhappy in L.A. and they are considering moving back, but they didn't want to upset Bella if she doesn't want to see me. Thank you, Chief." I said, reaching out my hand to shake.
Reluctantly, Charlie Swan shook my hand, not seeming to notice the coldness. I walked out of the station and let out a big breath I didn't realize that I had been holding in. My phone vibrated as I was getting in my rental car, the text from Alice simply said, "All is well."
