The Boys in Blue

Why Dick Doesn't Cook

Dick wandered out of his bedroom into the kitchen of is little Bludhaven apartment. He hadn't bothered to get dressed or showered yet and still wore his pajama shorts and Micky Mouse tee-shirt. He stretched his arms over his head, yawned, and raked a hand through his tousled raven hair. Yesterday had been brutal; another lame assignment from the BCPD and then an eventful patrol as Nightwing. In retrospect, he should have followed Jason's lead and taken the night off.

He dutifully ignored Jason's combat boots on the kitchen counter and the bags of chips scattered on the floor. One of them would clean up eventually. Probably Jason. Dick really didn't mind the mess at all and could go for days without feeling compelled to clean it up, but Jason could only take it up to a point. Dick briefly wondered if Alfred would faint if he ever had occasion to visit.

But his thoughts were getting away from him. He was in the kitchen to grab a bowl of cereal before getting ready for work. He hunted for a clean bowl and when he didn't find one, he decided to pour his breakfast into the sauce pan instead. As far as mornings in Bludhaven went, this one was pretty darn good. Dick leaned back at the counter with his cereal and watched the intermittent traffic outside his living room window.

Jason wandered out of his own room a few minutes later. With a grunt and a groan, he climbed onto the other barstool set up at the kitchen island/counter. "What are you eating?" he asked.

"Uh...cereal," answered Dick as if it was the most natural thing in the world. And for him, it was.

Jason let out another groan. "Really? Again? And in a sauce pan?"

Dick shrugged. "We're out of clean bowls and I don't cook."

"Oh, for pity's sake!" exclaimed Jason, "that does it! You are going to cook a real breakfast if it kills both of us."

"Not likely. There's a reason I don't cook."

"You don't really have a choice," Jason informed him. Suddenly, he was very much awake. He grabbed Dick's wrist and pulled him off the barstool and over to the stove. Jason hunted in the cupboards for something to make. There wasn't a whole lot besides dirty dishes, snacks, and little odd and ends that didn't' really fall into any category. "Mother Hubbard!" (He had this reaction every time he went to cook something).

Finally, his hand prized some pancake mix. It wasn't ideal, but for Dick it was a start. He shoved the box at his older brother who still looked somewhat dubious. "Here! Make these."

Dick rolled his eyes, but began hunting for the mixing bowl. He was sure he bought one once. After a few minutes, he found it under the sink full of candy. He emptied the candy into an old cereal box and pored the pancake mix into the bowl. Jason stopped him right there.

"No idiot!" said Jason, "you have to measure out the mix. Read the back of the box."

"But that takes so long," whined Dick.

"No it doesn't! That's a lame ass excuse. Now read the box."

Dick rolled his eyes again, but began to read, "Aunt Beth's Pancakes! Full of flavor and…"

"Quit messing with me Dick!" snapped Jason. "And wipe the smile off your face."

The smile never left the corners of Dick's lips, but he did start to cooperate. He measured out the ingredients, mixed them together, and even fished out the little pieces of egg shell. He risked a glace at Jason, who didn't look at all impressed. Hey, not everyone can be a wonder in the kitchen like Alfred.

"Now, put some butter in the pan so they don't stick," Jason instructed. He sounded like he was giving instructions to a second grader.

Dick laughed a little at his tone of voice on the inside where Jason couldn't hear him. He took the rest on the stick of butter and dumped it unceremoniously in the pan.

"No!" cried Jason pulling it back out. "You don't need that much!" He put in a delicate amount of butter and them some of the pancake mix. "Now, let me see how you flip a pancake." Dick didn't move. Jason looked over only to find that Dick was half asleep on his feet leaning on the counter. He smacked his sleeping brother with the spatula and ordered that he pay attention. "Flip the pancake," he instructed again.

Dick took the spatula from him and slid it under the pancake. He overestimated the amount of force needed to dislodge it from the pan. The pancake flew into the air and stuck to the ceiling over their heads. Dick and Jason both looked up. "Oops."

"Well done," Jason deadpanned. His expression remained blank at the pancake fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. Never the less, after a few more minutes of instruction, Jason was confident that Dick could handle the cooking on his own and went to go take a shower. That, he would later learn, was a mistake.

Dick reluctantly took over the kitchen. He hated cooking. Hated it. So, when Kori started texting him, he wasn't about to ignore her. Between messages, he poured more of the mix into the pan. But as the conversation got more and more interesting, he forgot the little detail where he was supposed to be cooking. That is, he forgot until the fire alarm sounded. He sent Kori a "ttyl" and started trying to fan off the smoke. Then he heard the shower turn off. Great. Just great.

Moments later, Jason Todd appeared with a towel wrapped around his waist and steaming water dripping into his eyes. "What the hell did you do?" he screamed.

"I may have over cooked the pancakes," answered Dick. He coughed as he inhaled the smoke.

Jason stormed over to the stove to looked at the mess. The pancakes looked like hokey pucks. They were burned right into the pan. Thick smoke curled around the kitchen and invaded the rest of the little apartment. "Open the window and let the smoke out," coughed Jason. He tried to move the pan to the sink, but the sink was full of god knows what. Besides, there were two pancakes caught under the burner causing most of the problem.

"I can't get the window open," Dick called from somewhere in the smoke.

"Try harder!" shouted Jason.

Suddenly, both of their heads shot up as the fire alarms for the entire building rang out. They could hear people running down the hall outside their apartment. "Uh oh," said Dick. He continued to struggle with the window. As he did, he could hear the sirens of a firetruck racing towards them in the near distance. He abandon the window and dashed back to the kitchen.

Jason grabbed the Wonder Woman tee shirt off the top of the refrigerator and put it on. He turned to Dick. "What part of watch the pancakes did you forget?!"

"The part after 'watch'!" Dick fired back, "there's a reason I eat cereal for breakfast!"

"You can't just eat cereal!"

"That's what take-out is for!"

The two brothers continued to stand screaming at each other in the middle of the room until a heavy fist banged on the apartment. Instantly, the argument ceased and their heads snapped simultaneously to the source of the new commotion. "This is the Bludhaven fire department. We're coming in. Everything is going to be ok," said a voice.

"Now you've done it boy-blunder," growled Jason.

"Jay, the uniforms! Nightwing and Red Hood!" Dick reminded him.

"Shit!" cried Jason. They scrambled to hide their uniforms before the fire department busted down their door. They barely made it back to the living room before the fire-men broke into the apartment. They swarmed in and began searching for the source of the smoke. "Get the boys out of here," ordered the chief.

"What? No," said Dick, "there isn't a fire. I just…"

"Get them out of here!"

"Wait, you don't understand," Dick tried again.

But the firemen were having non of it. It was their job to keep people safe, and by golly, they were going to do it. One of the men threw Dick, still protesting and trying to explain, over his shoulder and carried him out into the hall. Jason laughed. That would teach Dick to neglect pancakes. He followed the firemen out the door before one of them decided to give him the same treatment. He didn't even try not to laugh at the spectacle Dick was making. Instead, he pulled out his phone and started taking pictures.

"Put me down!" Dick shouted, "there's no fire in the apartment; just burnt pancakes."

"The chief will decide when it's safe again," said the fireman patiently. He sounded like he thought Dick had inhaled too much smoke or something.

"Smile," ordered Jason holding his camera to Dick's face, which was really awkward considering he was slung over the fireman's shoulder and practically upside down. Never the less, Dick glared at the camera and gave Jason the finger. Yeah, they spent a little too much time together. Jason snapped the picture and laughed, however he had to stop soon after to readjust the towel around his waist.

Once safely outside the building, Jason noticed a police squad car parked alongside an ambulance. Sergeant Amy Rorscharch dashed over to them as the fireman finally put Dick on his own two feet again. "What happened? Rookie, are you ok?" She kept the worry out of her voice by being commanding. Amy was like Bruce in that way.

"I'm fine Amy," said Dick sheepishly running a hand through his hair.

"What happened?" she demanded again.

"Dick here…" Jason began but he didn't get very far because the Fire Chief and the rest of his men came outside.

"Everyone calm down," the chief addressed the gathering of tenants and officers outside the building, "there wasn't a fire. You can all go back to your apartments after the smoke clears."

"If there wasn't a fire, why did the alarms all go off?" demanded Mrs. Sourby (Dick and Jason's grumpy neighbor).

"This was lodged under the stove burner in apartment 37," the chief answered holding up one black pancake.

"What is that?" Mrs. Sourby practically screamed. She and the chief turned their attention on Dick and Jason who fidgeted under their intense scrutiny, but for different reasons. Dick because he was guilty and Jason because he was still wearing a towel. Amy was also still waiting for her explanation.

"It's a pancake," answered Dick. He could feel the heat rising in his cheeks. The chief looked rather put out. "I tried to tell you! But you wouldn't listen. Instead you had me dragged outside!" Dick defended himself. The chief rolled his eyes. The look of intensity vanished from his face as he burst out laughing. And then the rest of the fire department joined him. And then Jason and the tenants. And then Amy started laughing too.

"Get dressed you two," she ordered, "you go on duty in an hour. And Todd, keep Rookie away from the stove in the future."

As they walked back up to the apartment, Jason glared at Dick. "This was your plan, wasn't it? To get out of cooking for good."

Dick grinned in response and left it at that. Maybe it hadn't been a plan, but he couldn't argue with the results. Cereal, here I come!

Epilog: Group Chat over text with Dick, Jason, Alfred, and Tim

Tim: Dick, I saw the Bludhaven Gazette this morning

Dick:

Tim: Alfred saw it too. He wasn't impressed LOL

Jason: Can you blame him? Dicky-boy can't even cook pancakes without causing a fuckin' disaster!

Alfred: Watchyourlanguagemasterjason.

Dick: What the…?

Dick: Use the spacebar Alfie

Alfred: Certainlysir. Whereisthespacebar.

Dick: …0_0

Jason: Hahaha! I'll give you three guesses old man.

Tim: I got this, guys

Alfred: Returning to the matter at hand; Master Dick, you cannot walk away from the stove while you are cooking. When something starts turning black, it is already over-done.

Dick: Well I know that now…

Jason: He always has to learn the hard way

Jason: I have a picture of the stove and Dick getting carried out of the building by the fireman!

Tim: Post them!

Dick: Don't you dare!

Jason: (two photos)

Jason: Too late!

Alfred: My word Master Dick! How did you create such a mess?!

Tim: My stomach hurts I'm laughing so hard! I even spat out my coffee! Dick I didn't think even you could create such a disaster! LOL. How am I supposed to study now?

Dick: I'll answer your questions/accusations after I kill Jason

Jason: Filthy hypocrite!

Dick: Where did I put Starfire's perfume?

Jason: You wouldn't dare spray that shit on me!

Alfred: Language!

Tim: Getting more coffee. Happy hunting Dick :)

Jason: I hate you replacement


Author's Note: Thanks for reading and for all of your interest in these stories. I hope you laughed.

Coming Up Next: Hunt for the Red Hood or Batman in Bludhaven. Your choice. If you have an opinion one way or the other, please leave your vote in the reviews. Votes will be counted Thursday.