Jack

"So" Nikki contemplates. "Matt..."

"Errrrr...I'm Jack" I remind her, feeling disgruntled.

We've known each other for years. She's known him less than a day – and already she's forgotten my name.

"Yes, Jack." She remarks with a slight smirk. "I am aware of that! What is your opinion of him?"

"Oh." I open my mouth to answer, but then hesitate. What do I think of him?!

"I'm not enquiring if you fancy him" She chuckles "He asked me on a date and I want to know what you think of him for me."

I shrug "Does it matter what I think?"

"Yes it does matter." She responds "– and don't tell me that you 'don't have an opinion' of him, because we both know that you do! You always put your 'oar' in if you think I'm dating someone 'unsuitable'."

"If you mean Greg Walker" I ponder "He did turn out to be a serial killer!"

"You do it every time, Jack – not just with him." She counters "So..."

I can see that I'm not going to get out of this – the one time I really want to – and she does have a point. I vet potential suitors whether she wants me to or not.

What is the truth this time? Not one I want to admit.

Matt seems to be a decent bloke. I think she could be happy with him – really happy – and I want that for her, I do. She deserves it more than anyone. The truth is though, I want her to be happy with me – not him – yet I can't bring myself to allow her access to that part of my life, no matter how much I want to.

I'm so afraid of letting her down – like I did in Mexico and in the months after. I'm afraid of her deciding that I'm not the man she thinks I am, but I want to be with her in that way so much. I want her company more than anyone else's and I want to be 'the one' for her.

This conversation is like winning and losing a cage-fight at the same time. It's a triumphant yell – and a kick in the teeth.

"Come on, Jack" She presses me, "Should I say 'yes' or 'no' to Matt?"

Ignore my feelings, I decide, and push her towards Matt. Give her the chance of happiness she deserves.

"He seems nice." I answer "I think he'd be good for you. Go for it."

"Ok" she agrees without even a hint of enthusiasm.

She was hoping I was going to say 'no' and 'whisk' her away before he could – or anyone else.

I look away unable and unwilling to keep looking at the disappointment in her eyes.

Those gorgeous, pleading eyes.

"And you won't be jealous?" Clarissa interjects pointedly, joining us in our office.

I wondered when she'd throw her pennyworth in the pot. Actually, if I'm honest, I'm surprised that she managed to stay out of it for so long.

"Why would I be jealous?" I retort.

"Don't even bother, Clarissa." Nikki sighs standing up "He's never going to admit what he really wants because he thinks he's not good enough for me. He never has."

"And what do you think, Nikki?" Thomas comments from the doorway of our office.

Great! This conversation is now a free-for-all.

"Doesn't matter what I think" Nikki states bluntly, stealing my line from earlier. "He won't listen and it takes two to tango, so if he pretends he's not interested than I haven't got a hope in hell of getting what I want."

"Just leave it Thomas." I mutter as our boss goes to answer.

"Yeah, let's just forget about it, Jack." Nikki snaps sharply. "Pretend the whole conversation never happened. I haven't got time for you anyway!"

She turns back just outside the doorway and directly addresses Thomas and Clarissa – almost making a point of excluding me from the conversation. "I could go on a date with Matt, but it's not really fair on him is it? He's exactly the kind of man I'd want to be with...if Jack wasn't here. There you are, I've said it –now you know." She exclaims, before walking off.

Clarissa and Thomas just shake their heads at me after she's left.

What all three of them don't get is that I'm not convinced that Nikki will be as happy with me as she thinks – but then she's just made it quite clear that she's not at all happy without me. I fight with my inferiority complex for a few minutes, but eventually my feelings and desperation to 'be the one' win. I've just got her back – just got that beautiful smile back on her face after everything we've been through. If I carry on like this, I'm going to push her right back out the door again – and this time, I don't think I'd get her back. This time I'd lose her for good – and I fear that more than almost anything. I can't lose her again – and she can't lose me. Then I would be letting her down.

Just a few moments after her departure, I'm up on my feet, pushing past Thomas and going in search of her. I decide to try the meeting room first – and my instinct is right.

She's studying pictures on the big screen on the wall.

"Hi" I say, announcing my arrival.

"Hi" she returns unemotionally, with a brief look in my direction.

"Do you want a hug?" I offer hopefully.

"That depends." She comments, not looking at me this time.

"On?"

"On whether you're going to keep pushing me away." She answers. She turns to look at me as I approach – another fleeting glance. "You've got to get over this inferiority thing you have, Jack." She implores me "I can't keep working with you if you keep putting walls up. The truth is I don't want anyone else."

"I can't lose you" I whisper, moving behind her, as she continues to look at pictures on the board. I wrapped my arms around her waist, desperate to stop her leaving.

She rests her hands on my arms. "Then you won't." She reassures me softly. "Just let me in the way we both want – please."

"Ok" I agree. I lean down and give her a gentle kiss – one that she reciprocates.

She smiles at me. "It doesn't have to be a big thing of taking me out to dinner, Jack" she tells me "I'm more than happy with pizza and film nights at home. All I want is me and you, ok? Not you trying to persuade me I'm better off somewhere else!"

A thought suddenly occurs to me –that smile. The beautiful smile that is back on her face after months of turmoil. I did that, no one else. Me.

Maybe she's right.