Hey, lovely people! This chapter has a trigger warning. I put it in the end notes, so as not to spoil anything. If you are not sensitive to any particular subjects, you can skip it.
Moving around every two days quickly became a habit. It wasn't even a hassle anymore, it was simply expected. Of course, this wasn't exactly what I meant when I had promised Bella I would show her the world the day I married her, but it was annoyingly close to it. Somehow, someway, this allowed us to remain one step ahead of Demetri's radar. We went from one place to another without truly appreciating the places we were passing through: the azure waters of Madagascar, the empty deserts of Namibia, the scorching lands of Eritrea, the pilgrim-ridden Israel, the politically-shaken Belarus, the vast white beauty of Iceland.
A couple of hours a day were reserved just for fight training - whether we liked it or not, the threat of the werewolf loomed over us as we were approaching the next full moon; Bella and Nellie had to be ready to some extent for the physical threat it posed (although deep down I hoped neither of them would need to put what they were learning to practice).
Meanwhile, keeping Demetri off their radar was going well enough. Bella got gradually more comfortable with her own power, managing to exert it even when she was not solely focusing on it. It was far from being perfect, which annoyed her terribly, but it seemed to work well enough to keep us safe for two days at a time. The few times Demetri had managed to get a tiny semblance of where we might be located, he had been way off, his senses guiding him hundreds of miles away from where we actually were - giving us plenty of time to hit the road in the meantime.
Alice's visions showed a distressed Demetri, one that could not understand what was keeping him from doing what he knew best. Since the Volturi knew nothing about what my wife could do, they tried coming up with possible explanations for what prevented his tracking abilities from working properly - not one of them close to the truth, of course.
In the meantime, I had grown to feel more comfortable with Nellie around. This could be attributed to me making an effort to not dwell on Alice's vision more than necessary, but also to Nellie being unnaturally talented at repressing thoughts that could bring her avoidable worries - although it was not hard to guess the reason behind this talent of hers. Her interest in my books had not vanished; she would ask me for another one before each take off and I would pick her brain about it after each landing. Our talks about the hidden pretentiousness of "On the Road" or about the ambiguous conundrum at the end of "Fight Club" helped me reach an unexpected sense of sympathy towards her.
Without realizing, our small group of five had entered a bizarre new normalcy - a normalcy that involved constant moving, constant shielding, constant training and barely any time just for me and Bella. This was a different kind of waiting than the one I did in Alaska. Back then, I knew that Bella was not emotionally ready to give herself away to pleasure after the accident and I understood that. But now, there were no emotional roadblocks getting in the way, just fate itself - and that made it all the more frustrating.
But we managed to find a loop in this new normalcy. Whenever we would land in a new place, Bella and I would rent a separate car, find a place isolated enough from the rest of the world, and abandon ourselves to each other for an extremely short hour. It was a far cry from the days on end we used to spend just loving each other, but we treasured all the little things we could get away with. Besides, that little window of time with her allowed me access to the happiest place in the world: her mind. As she got accustomed to these getaways, her shield started to weaken whenever we were alone, letting me in on her thoughts.
Each time that happened, I felt reborn in ways I felt myself unable to explain to her. Sometimes it happened when we made love, other times during our drives. I was no longer taken by surprise when it happened, as I had learned the distinction between her talking voice and her mental one. But that didn't stop me from feeling my heart imploding with the purest joy imaginable whenever it happened.
This was our little personal miracle, one that nobody else needed to know. Alice was too busy focusing on more important matters of the future to get a glimpse of this, while Nellie barely had access to my mind anymore, thanks to my wife - and on the rare occasions she did, I knew better than to think the unthinkable.
Finding an isolated place in the quiet Höfn, in Iceland, had proven to be easy enough. At the edge of a forest, a few miles away from the hotel we had checked in to, an abandoned camping site awaited. I had specifically rented a truck with one thing in mind: even if just for a fleeting hour, I wanted to make love to Bella right under the silent wonder of the Northern lights.
I was moving slowly inside her, just basking in the pleasure and getting lost in the burned caramel ocean of her eyes, when her phone started to ring. At first, neither of us reacted. She just dug her nails in my shoulders and moaned deeply, begging me with her mind to go a little harder, and I obliged. But when her phone didn't stop, I reached out to grab it and offered it to her, not bothering to look who was calling and not stopping my thrusts.
"Hello?"
"Bella, honey, hey! How are you?"
"Mom!"
She gasped loudly - whether from the shock or from the fact that I pushed harder against her cervix, I could not tell, because her shield had snapped back to protect her thoughts. Her hand pressed against my bare chest, motioning me to stop moving. I did, albeit unwillingly.
"Haven't heard from you in forever, sweetie. I've left you so many messages."
"I know, I'm just… things are a little crazy at the moment, mom, I'm sorry."
"Uh-oh! Everything all right with Edward?"
"Oh, more than all right. He's amazing. He always is, in fact."
Her palm grazed my cheek as she spoke and I heard her mom chuckling on the other end.
"Then tell me about those crazy things."
Bella paused for a long moment, before replying:
"It's a little tough accommodating to Cardiff, that's all. I'll manage."
"You are my little warrior, you always manage."
She was indeed a warrior - in more ways than her mother could comprehend.
"Well, speaking of Cardiff, I've got good news for you, honey. Phil and I might pay you a visit there next Friday!"
Bella's eyes opened wide and she certainly didn't think her next words through properly:
"You can't do that!"
"But of course we can! We want to do a small trip through Europe starting next week and it would be a pity if I didn't visit my daughter. We've finally managed to sync up our schedules."
Bella looked at me, eyes full of panic, and I mouthed the word 'lie' to her, praying that her imagination wasn't going to come up with something completely outlandish.
"That's amazing, mom, but… it might not be the best timing."
"Why not?"
"I think Edward might have the flu or something. He's been feeling off since last night and... he stayed home today. It might be contagious."
"Oh, I'm sure it's nothing serious. Soup and Tylenol will fix that."
"No, it seems a little more serious than that."
I tried not to laugh at the underlying irony of her excuse. Flu. Of course I was the one with the flu.
"Then it's a good thing you've got Carlisle there, right?"
Bella bit her lip and I could tell it was just an attempt to keep a straight face.
"It surely is."
"Well, send Edward my best wishes. And let me know if he's feeling any better next week, all right? We really want to visit."
"Will do."
When she was finished talking on the phone, she let go of any reservations and exploded into a fit of laughter. I smiled, letting her have her way. Besides, the vibrations of her laughter had an interesting effect on the way our bodies were connected.
"So flu," I mumbled, when her laughter finally subsided. "Haven't had that in a long while."
"Bet you don't miss it."
"I barely remember what it's like, so I wouldn't know."
She smiled, sighing as she did.
"It was the first thing that came to me. It could've been worse."
"Very creative," I agreed.
I buried my face in her neck, inhaling deeply. I hated this web of lies in which we were entangled. While I didn't mind the way I had needed to lie my way out of certain situations in the past few months, it did bother me that Bella had to resort to this ignoble tactic as well.
"I'm sorry it's like this, my love," I murmured against her skin.
"Like what?"
"You lying to your parents."
"I more or less had to do that ever since we met, for their sake, so it's not exactly uncharted territory for me."
I lifted my face from her neck, to look at her properly. I seriously doubted if she realized how rough this exact scenario would have been on other people.
"You're one strong woman, Isabella Marie Cullen, do you know that?"
"I'm all right, I guess."
"No, I can think of at least a dozen other terms that would describe you better than 'all right' does." Amazing. Spectacular. Astonishing. "You've come a long way since that last night in Forks, when you didn't even want to talk to me."
"You don't know the levels of shame I was feeling."
"I know to some extent. It was more or less how I was feeling when I returned to Carlisle and Esme after my rebellious years and they welcomed me with open arms. I felt like I didn't deserve their love then, after mistaking so terribly and for such a long time. But seeing you that night and seeing you now... you've taught me that I did deserve it."
"You're always too tough on yourself," she replied.
"Maybe you're right. That is one of the many reasons I would be completely lost without you."
"You don't have to worry about that, Edward. You know I am here for good. I've always been."
She looked and sounded confident - as if we didn't have to return soon to the hotel, to keep everyone protected with her shield. As if Demetri wasn't stuck in Greenland with Aro, Jane and Alec, annoyed that he had missed my and Alice's trace once again. As if the full moon wasn't coming in one week. As if Alice hadn't had those awful visions about us joining the Volturi against our will - admittedly, maybe because my Bella knew nothing about those visions.
"I know you are, Bella. That is not the source of my worry."
"Then what is?"
I had kept this from her for quite a while, not wanting to give her too much stuff to worry about at once. Unlike the vision with Nellie as our… whatever she was supposed to be in that vision, the scenarios in which I was stuck in Volterra and we only got to see each other on special occasions were far worse. They had kept my mind occupied several times, making me wonder what would happen if they were to come to life one day. I still wasn't sure whether it was good to offer Bella this particular piece of information, but hiding it couldn't have been much better in the long run.
"Alice had some visions that day, in the woods. Right as she was coming after me."
"The one about Nellie, that had you so freaked out, I remember."
"Well, that… but also two more."
She raised her eyebrows, looking at me with questioning eyes. I knew there was no going back now, so I did the only logical thing: I told her everything, down to the very painful details. She listened patiently, like she always did, frowning every once in a while when a certain thing troubled her too much.
When I was finished, I waited for her reaction.
"That just won't happen," she said, matter-of-factly.
"It might, it might not, you know how it is with some of Alice's visions."
"Yes, I know, but I can't let this one happen. I mean, as long as I protect you and her-"
"Bella, love, not everything lies in your hands."
"But right now it kind of does, doesn't it? Because if I mess something up, they find us."
I sighed. While finding an answer to the 'how?' that lied beneath Alice's vision was important, it was the 'what if?' that kept me on my toes.
"Bella, I don't think you understand my problem here. I honestly don't know what we would do if that situation, for whatever reason, came to life. Denying the possibility behind it doesn't lessen the chances of it happening."
It was her turn to sigh now, as she allowed my words sink in. Her gaze remained fixated on the sky above us when she talked:
"I'd try to get you out of there," she said.
"And get yourself killed in the process? No, thank you."
"Okay, then I would try to make myself useful to them. They don't know what I can do, maybe they could use a shield in their guard."
This was a good point, I had to give her that. But having her join this dark side of the vampire world didn't sound like the best deal in the world. That was too big of a sacrifice to make.
"I don't know about that," I admitted. "You're too good for them."
"And you're not?"
"I just don't want you to be in the middle of the wolves, so to speak."
The small silence that followed got filled, all of a sudden, with the sound of her thoughts. I tried - in vain - to keep my cool.
"We'd be there together, that doesn't sound like the worst thing in the world to me."
There was no possible way to hide my joy and amazement - and at this point, she had begun to recognize perfectly this particular joy.
"It's happening again, right?"
"It is," I admitted, drunk on the feeling. "And to address that particular thought you just had: that's just not what I had in mind for our future."
"Well, I do remember vowing I'd be there with you 'for better or for worse'."
"You did," I smiled at the lovely memory.
"And we did agree to take things as they come, one day at a time," she added, this time out loud.
"You're right. I just want all those days to be with you."
I leaned in to kiss her, aware that we had to leave soon. She pulled me closer to her, wrapping her legs tightly around my hips and forcing me to go deeper inside her body when she did that.
"I love you so much..." I whispered, pushing slowly.
"And I love you."
She wrapped her arms around my neck, to get some leverage as I was moving in and out of her, slow and steady.
"Just like that, don't stop..."
"Yes, yes, Bella, just like that..."
Time was always impatient when I was loving her. It was ruthlessly going too fast for me to keep up with it. It only proved just how relative the notion of 'time' itself was. An hour alone with her passed like a minute. It seemed that I was always chasing an illusion during these getaways.
We were back to the hotel sooner than any of us would have liked, as always. Back to shielding. Back to being on our toes.
The usual, of course.
With only six days until the next full moon, things were getting tense.
It was clear that the previous plan had not worked properly. We did have a couple more aces under our sleeves this time around: the improved fighting skills and Bella's shield. Still, I didn't want my wife or Nellie to be the focus of attention once the werewolf would return - but I was also aware I could not take it down on my own. Perhaps not surprisingly, both of them were more than ready to throw themselves in the fighting ring. This recklessness both amazed and infuriated me - hence the things getting tense on all fronts.
And then there were Alice and Jasper. It had taken me way too many arguments to convince both of them to step aside the night of the full moon. I hated the idea of dragging them into this mess - they already had a lot on their plate with the Volturi. It wasn't until Carlisle called that things started clearing up in regards to what to expect. We had just arrived at a cabin at the base of Kaskasapakte mountain, in Sweden, when he called.
"You know I've promised you, kids, I would not leave you alone to face the werewolf this time," he explained simply. "So I will help you myself. Too much damage had been done the last time."
"I don't think you understand what you would be getting yourself into," I said. "This thing could track you as well if we fail."
"I think I understand better than you do, son," he replied calmly. "I did help the Volturi kill one centuries ago, as you well know."
I could not contradict facts.
"And what about Esme?"
"She will go to stay with Emmett and Rosalie while I'm gone."
"This is insane."
My father didn't contradict me there.
"You can't put your life on the line for us like that," I insisted. "It's not fair to you, nor to Esme."
"This is not about being fair. We've both been worried sick after what happened in Mati."
"I know you were, but we won't make the same mistakes twice."
He sighed, still patient as always.
"This is not really debatable, I'm afraid," Carlisle offered softly. "I had talked to your mother about this and it is settled. You can't keep having this burden on your shoulders."
"And what is your plan?"
"We meet in Paris."
"Why Paris?"
"We need a place that has catacombs, Edward. It makes escaping harder for the werewolf. The way the Volturi went about killing the Children of the Moon in the past involved trapping them in the catacombs of Vatican, covering the exits with titanium plates, chasing them until dawn, when their strength would subside, and attacking them. But the last place we would want to be right now is Italy."
"Fair enough."
I could remember the night Carlisle had told me about him helping the Volturi kill such a being. He told me about it one year after my change, back when it was only the two of us. I didn't give his story much thought back then - after all, he had made sure to tell me that those werewolves were extinct. What were the chances of me ever meeting them?
The arrogance of my young years came to haunt me in unexpected ways.
"The underground map of Paris is far greater than the one in the Vatican," Carlisle said. "That gives us more room to work with, but it's not going to be easy."
"Never thought it would be."
While I could no longer remember what it felt like to have a fever dream, discussing the details of trapping the werewolf somewhere deep in the womb of Paris and killing it felt very much like one. As much as Carlisle hated the idea of taking the life of another sentient being, he seemed to be at peace with the thought of getting rid of the Child of the Moon - and not only because the monster had hurt Bella and had both me and her on its radar.
In his younger years, Carlisle had seen first-hand how vicious a creature like this could be. He had been with the Volturi for a while when he had encountered one such werewolf. He was out on a surveillance mission with Felix and Demetri - some vampire conflicts had broken out in Romania and they had to tackle that. As they were getting deeper and deeper into the lush greenery of the Carpathian mountains, they came across a wounded shepherd.
Carlisle's first instinct had been to help him, but Demetri stopped him right in the tracks of his good deed, suggesting the man could make for a good snack. My father had tried to reason with him, but he was not having it. In the middle of their argument, the fate of the wounded shepherd had been decided by something else entirely. Out of the dense web of fir trees, a creature that Carlisle had only heard of in old forgotten legends appeared: a Child of the Moon.
My father never quite forgot how the werewolf had launched over the shepherd. In less than a second, it had ripped the man's body in half, a pool of blood and intestines bursting out of him and on to the frosty ground. The gore of the act had not been the worst part, as Carlisle had told me long ago - but rather the fact that the man remained very much conscious minutes during this nightmare, as his brain was still getting enough blood flow to keep him aware. And while he was screaming from the top of his lungs for God to save him, the werewolf had started to eat him alive, ripping right through the skin that was hanging off his broken hips, revealing the warm organs inside and munching on their soft flesh.
It was Felix that prompted them to run away, while the werewolf was still busy devouring his prey. Children of the Moon were at their most lethal when they were feeding, the frenzy taking over them, enhancing their strength and fierceness. And while Carlisle did listen and started running, all he could hear, even miles away from the ordeal, were the man's screams turning into powerless whispers, calling out to God until his very last breath.
Not long after, they started following the werewolf's scent through the woods. It led them right back to the monster - and as a result, the monster started following them, beginning a painfully long chase. The three of them led the werewolf thousands of miles away from the primeval Romanian forests and right to the underground tunnels of Vatican. It was close to daylight when they arrived there. At that point, the werewolf's brawn had grown impossibly thin, thanks to the impending sunrise. In the end, they managed to attack it and kill it - all three of them.
Carlisle had witnessed many deaths until then. He had seen both human and vampire lives being taken away: sometimes with a merit, sometimes not so much. In his unending kindness, he had never stopped hurting for the lost souls. But even Carlisle, the man who could see hope for redemption in any sentient being, could not feel mercy for the werewolf when they set its remains on fire. The screams of the wounded shepherd had haunted him for many years afterwards - the way he kept begging God to save him while the werewolf was eating him piece by piece had left the most bitter taste in his mouth.
My father had seen evil in its purest form that night. He understood then that he would not feel sorry if he would have to end the life of such a creature again. He came to understand that there was no redemption for Children of the Moon. Humans and vampires still had a conscience to work with, even when the darkest desires would overcome them. But werewolves? Not so much. They would always be damned to an existence in which the full moon would transform them into ruthless torturing and killing machines, with no chance of escaping their nature.
The news of Carlisle coming to help us had been received with understandable happiness. Bella, Alice and Jasper had missed him terribly, just like I did. Even Nellie, who had only heard our stories about him, was excited to meet 'the original old man', as she had put it.
"I'm sure you'll like him," I told her.
We were sitting on the couch, while Bella was busy attempting something new a few feet away from us: she was trying to project her shield while she was reading. She wanted her power to become second-nature, so lately she had been trying to keep her mind busy while also doing her best to protect us. And God knew how, but she made it work.
Jasper and Alice were sitting at the table across the room, playing their own personal version of chess. It involved too many rules based on the inner jokes that they shared, so it was no wonder that they never played that version with the rest of the family.
"Is he tortured as well?" Nellie asked.
"I'd guess so, since the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."
"My father's not tortured," I responded, rolling my eyes at her. "He is quite possibly the kindest man you'll ever meet."
"I guess… after all, you've all been gushing about him."
"With good reason, believe me."
"His wife's not coming though, right?"
"No, Esme will go stay with our other two siblings while he's away. He doesn't want to get her involved."
"Probably a good choice," she agreed.
"But it is a little surprising… I mean if the roles were reversed, would it… no, this is dumb anyway."
"What's surprising?" I demanded, when I realized that her thoughts weren't leading anywhere.
"It's nothing. I've no idea why I even thought about it."
"Think random thoughts. This is embarrassing. Random thoughts. The night in the park is random. God, not that, definitely not that! Fuck. Why would my brain even take me there? Random, random, random."
"Nellie," I said, trying to prevent her from going into overdrive. "It's all right. I was just asking you a question. You've heard my thoughts way too many times in the past month, so it really cannot be more embarrassing."
"Oh, fuck, this is annoying! People just can't have privacy with you around, can they?"
"Not really," I grimaced.
"Well, except Bella."
I tried to keep my facial expressions neutral, but I heard my wife clearing her throat in the background and that made me smile despite my will.
"Of course," I rushed to say. "Except her. So tell me now: what was surprising?"
She sighed, but responded anyway:
"I was wondering how your father can leave Esme behind in this mission. I mean I totally get it, believe me. But I've seen you and Bella and I just… I don't know, you seem like you could never leave her side, even if it was the smart thing to do. It's like you're glued together."
I had not expected her words to hit as deeply as they did. I had no idea how to respond to this, even if I could hear what she was going to say next before she opened her mouth.
"It was surprising in the sense that this Carlisle is your father, for all intents and purposes," she continued. "So I expect you to be quite similar to him. Yet I can't see you making the same decision that he made if you were a… uhm… you know..."
"A father," I filled the gap.
"That frown's not good. Please don't think I had this thought for you-know-what reason."
"I don't," I said, almost automatically. "This is not why I was frowning. You… you are right. I don't think I would either."
I knew myself well enough to admit that. But the fact that Nellie had managed to penetrate through these layers to see that as well had taken me aback.
"He must really love you if he could make that choice," she uttered.
"Yes, he does."
Carlisle knew a type of love that I did not: the love of a parent for a child. Granted, I was not his biological son, but that had never stopped him from loving me as if I was. But he was different: he had had centuries of loneliness burdening his mind before he found me. It had been all too easy for him to discover this type of love, after being fairly on his own for most of his life.
Me, on the other hand... I had never been alone. Incomplete, yes - it wasn't until I had met Bella that I truly felt whole. But alone? Never. I did not feel the need to extend my capacity to love further. After all, what good would it do to me? None, I tried telling myself.
"Sorry for bringing this up," Nellie offered, filling the silence that had fallen over us.
"No, I asked for this."
She looked away, her mind once again becoming agitated with the sudden need to 'think random thoughts'. The fact that the thought about a particular night in the park she wanted to remain hidden had resurfaced did not escape me. I tried to remain silent, hoping that her mind would take the reins and show me whatever it was that seemed to trouble her.
When that didn't happen, my curiosity got the best of me once again and I asked:
"What is so special about that night in the park?"
"Oh, no, no, no. We're not doing this. Fuck no."
She crossed her arms over her chest, her face suddenly frozen. But despite her best efforts, her mind still slipped, allowing me to catch a glimpse. A string of flashes cut through her conscience. First, the face of a man in his forties: his eyes red and his mouth the exact same heart shape that Nell's had. Then, the hands of the man, reaching to unbutton her shirt. Then, the man undressing quickly, telling her to be a good girl. And in the end, the man's limbs burning in the grass.
I had seen what Nellie wanted to do before she got to do it - which gave me a bit of an advantage when she stalked out the door of our rented cabin without a word.
"I'll be right back," was the only thing I had managed to say before heading out to follow her.
She was a fast runner, her small size allowing her to move quickly through the birch forest and higher up the mountain. But she was no match to Bella's newborn speed - and frankly, Bella was quite possibly the only one that could outrun me, so I had no doubts about my ability to catch up with her.
While I could no longer hear her thoughts, now that we were far enough away from the house, where I was no longer under Bella's shield, the last things her mind had summoned burned fiercely in my brain: the face of the man - her father, judging by the physical resemblance, the misplaced hunger in his eyes, the dread that surrounded these memories. And then the fire - there was definitely something about that fire that had made her mind go wild with guilt. Part of me was convinced it knew the reason behind the guilt, but I could not allow myself to form the full thought.
I managed to overtake her right as she was squeezing her way through two trees. I jumped in front of them, blocking her way.
"What's the plan?" I asked, trying to keep my voice as soft as possible, not wanting to trigger more unpleasantness. "Running and then what?"
"Shut up," she growled.
"Nellie… I'd already seen it. I'm sorry, but I did."
"You weren't supposed to."
"You're right, I am sorry."
"That's what insisting gets you!"
I slowly realized that I had no plan for how this interaction was supposed to play out. In my past, I had only been on the other side: face to face with countless predators, ready to kill them, so that no one else would ever have to suffer at their hands again. But no one had taught me what to do if I ever came across the victims. And while Nellie's past with her father was no surprise to me, this was the first time I had seen it through her eyes - and I had not been prepared for the wave of sorrow it brought.
But beyond the sorrow, there was something else. Something more powerful. Rage - so wild and boiling and real and raw that I could almost taste it; rage that this girl had ever been abused, that no one had been there for her when that happened, that I had ever stopped killing criminals. Of course, the rage was awfully unhelpful now - the evil had been done so long ago, that it served me no good to dwell on it.
Still, I could not help it.
"Kid, I can't tell you how sorry I feel that this happened to you," I started, but she cut me off abruptly.
"I don't need anyone's pity."
"I know you don't, you never do."
"Good, then leave me the fuck alone!" she spat the words.
Leaving might have been the polite thing to do. I had already screwed things up with my curiosity, I could do that much. But for whatever reason, my feet refused to move.
"I can't," I said.
Her eyes raised up to me, two round marmalade pebbles, glistening from under her fringe.
"I saw the fire in the park, Nellie," I murmured.
She stared at me - surprised at first, then more and more aghast, as the weight of my words began sinking in her mind. I didn't have to be a mind reader to understand that this had been an information that only she had known until this very moment. More than that, this was information that she had never intended to let out, for reasons that only now was I starting to comprehend.
"Your father didn't die fighting some other vampire, like you told us," I continued, allowing myself to voice my assumption. "That's all right."
Nellie simply nodded 'no'; again and again and again, as if she was trying to convince both of us of the contrary of my words.
"It's all right," I repeated.
She had to understand that I was not judging her. If my suppositions were correct, looking down on her was the last thing on my mind. But she just kept nodding 'no', not saying anything, just looking at me with dismay. I had to try again:
"Nellie, I promise it's-"
"It's not," she managed, her words coming in a whisper. "Not all right."
It seemed that whatever defense she had kept up was no longer there. This was the first time I was seeing her like this: fragile, not a trace of the usual feistiness.
"Tell me why not," I pleaded softly.
"I… had to get rid of him… he kept trying to… he just kept trying every night and I didn't want..."
She was no longer looking at me while she talked. Her eyes were fixated on the ground.
"I understand," I replied carefully. "You did what you had to do, kid."
"Yes, but… well... I don't, because what sane person kills her father?"
Her voice was lower still.
"Nellie, listen to me. You had every reason to. Your circumstances certainly make this a most understandable crime, if it can even be called that."
"There are no other words to describe that."
"I could think of a few," I said. "And the best one is 'justice'."
She sighed, turning her face away, staring at the trees by her side.
"He still loved me, you know?" she told me after a while. "He always made sure I was well-fed, for instance. Bringing me his catch even when he was the one who was thirsty."
My own eyes started stinging, watching her make up excuses for a man that deserved anything but that.
"Nellie… that's not love, dear. It's anything but that. He was just keeping on with his grooming, so that the abuse wouldn't seem as bad to you."
She looked at me from the corner of her eye.
"Possibly," she supposed. "He had his moments. That's why I'm not proud of what I did."
"You're not proud because you actually have a conscience - something that that vile man clearly lacked."
Nell turned around, so that we were once again face to face. Her eyes now oscillated between looking at me and looking to the side. When she spoke again, her voice sounded a tad more secure:
"I wanted him dead so badly… one night I just knew I could no longer take it. With or without his redeeming moments, this was not a life I wanted for myself, you know?"
"I would have done the same."
"You would have killed your father?" she quipped, laughing bitterly.
"No, my biological father was a decent man, if a bit distant. But I would have killed yours, no questions asked, if I had met you then."
She started laughing, but there was no trace of amusement in the sound.
"I'm not joking, Nellie. Or saying it to make you feel better. Or whatever it is that you're thinking right now. I would have."
"Okay, but why?" she demanded to know, her usual spunk seeping back into her voice.
The immediate answer seemed obvious enough to me: murdering pedophiles was not exactly unknown territory for me. But I had stopped doing that long ago, so there was no logical reason for me to go back to doing that, after decades of refusing to play God again - and that was when I realized the answer might not have been as simple as I would have liked it to be.
As I was looking at her, trying to comprehend my own motives better, I started to understand why Alice had had that vision in the first place: somehow, someway, this kid had found a place for herself in my heart, a place that I had never even considered could exist. Maybe the reason Alice's vision had scared me so badly was not the fact that I wasn't ready or interested to be anyone's father - but rather the fact that deep down, I could see how perfectly easy it would have been to love a kid like Nellie. With her witty remarks, her penchant for books, her connection with Bella and our neverending banter, how could it not be?
"I think you know why," I managed to answer.
It seemed that a thousand thoughts were occupying her brain in that moment, judging by the array of emotions that traversed her face in the span of a few seconds. But I felt no need to know them when she stepped in front of me, her arms reaching out, demanding something that she had feared for too long. I took a step towards her as well and, without a word, pulled her in my embrace.
All the pent-up anxieties of the past three weeks started crumbling to the ground, one by one. I watched them fall, calmer than ever, letting them go. Accepting their uselessness. Understanding that sometimes, the future could not be fought with, for it was inevitable.
Trigger warning:
This chapter contains explicit graphic violence and non-explicit mentions of child abuse.
Wow, this chapter has not been gentle with my emotions, but I loved writing every last bit of it!
I cannot wait to hear your thoughts on what happened - and respond to each and every one of you, as always.
Big 'thank you's for all of you still hanging on with this story, you're the best!
Stay safe and happy, wherever you are!
