Fourth Year – Lily
"I just don't know what to do, honestly," Lily sighed. She was sitting on her bed in her dormitory across from her two best friends. Mary and Marlene were perched on Mar's bed sharing a box of Honeydukes Finest Chocolates the three girls had purchased their last Hogsmeade weekend.
"You know our advice isn't going to change, Lils," Marlene responded to her. "You need to talk to him, and if he won't listen, maybe it's time to stop holding onto that friendship, you know?"
"You'll always have us, anyways," said Mary with a wink in her direction.
Lily smiled back at her friends, but it was hollow. She had this discussion dozens of times a week with her friends since their fourth year had started. Now, as the first week of November had arrived and Christmas was quickly approaching, her friends had grown bored of it. Lily, however, was still as conflicted as ever.
"It's real though, you know?" she finally sighed. Both her friends glanced up at her, momentarily distracted from their chocolates. This was something she had not yet voiced to anyone, save Remus Lupin – the only Marauder she liked. And he was easy to speak with. He knew what it was like to be a Mudblood; not exactly, maybe, but they had concluded many times that being a werewolf was quite similar when it came to the fear and prejudice the title carried with it.
"What do you mean?" Marlene finally asked, breaking the silence.
"The muggles are noticing," Lily finally settled on saying with a sigh. "The disappearances. The Ministry is good at covering it up so the Prophet doesn't get wind of it, but the Muggle papers are having a field day. Mum almost didn't want me to come back to Hogwarts this year – as if they should even be scared for me here. We're safer than anyone."
It was true, although Lily was more worried for her mum than the other way around. Sure, at this point the only people who were being targeted were Muggles. They could be anywhere – at home, at work, on the tube – and they'd just disappear. It was one of those things in the wizarding world where everyone knew but no one would speak of it.
The facts were clear, however. There was a group going around calling themselves the Death Eaters who was headed by a man called – if you would believe it – Lord Voldemort who were behind the disappearances. Now, of course, the group had started purely political, spouting their pureblood, anti-muggleborn, nonsensical rhetoric, and still maintained that their interest was purely political. This means that everyone knew they were behind the deaths and disappearances, but no one could connect them to it. Not to mention the cover-ups happening by the Ministry and the Daily Prophet (as if withholding information somehow made people worry less).
No known muggleborn families had been targeted yet, but most knew it was a matter of time. Every night, all the muggleborns and half-bloods would huddle around a small table in the Great Hall next to a muggle wireless someone had betwitched to work in Hogwarts but catch radio frequencies as far as London. Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw alike would huddle around it listening for names of people they knew to be listed as disappeared. Mostly sighs of relief swept through the room at the end of programming. Less often, it was a friend or a friend-of-a-friend from the period Before Hogwarts.
Lily gathered her thoughts as her friends remained patiently silent. "Back in first year, Severus wanted to be friends with Malfoy of all people. Seventh year Malfoy. Followed him around and everything. And I thought, yeah it's a belief in the world that's bloody shite but he has a shitty life. So maybe he just needed someone to look up to, you know?"
She shifted so she could pull her legs up under her and a blanket around her, suddenly feeling exposed. Marlene and Mary both moved to sit on either side of her. Marlene swung an arm around her shoulders and Mary an arm around her waist, pulling the three of them together.
"But really, Lucius and Bellatrix Black, Lestrange, even Narcissa were all calling themselves Death Eaters already. And I can't help but think that right now, right now, all of them are out there and they're responsible for these people disappearing. That's who Sev wants to be like, right now. That's who he's around – just now its Avery and Mulciber and Wilkes and Rosier is the ringleader of their little Hogwarts group instead of Malfoy. And Rosier's vile, he's probably doing whatever Death Eaters do when he's away at Christmas and Easter. And Sev has been going to Avery's during the holidays. Avery!"
Lily sniffed and realized she had been crying. Not hard and not loudly, just tears rolling softly down her cheeks. "So I don't want to talk to him, because I don't want to hear him say it's true, because if he says it's true, what he's basically saying is that I deserve to die just because of who I am and how I was born. But he was also my first wizard friend. He's the one who told me I was a witch. So I don't understand how he can go from being my best friend to hanging around those slimy gits and seem so self-satisfied about it when he's with them but then get all apologetic and sad when it's just the two of us."
Lily was crying now, real ugly tears that made her face all red and blotchy. She sank back into her friends for a moment. Mary held her close and was almost rocking her, despite being much shorter than Lily. Marlene was stroking Lily's har – braiding it and unbraiding it, her dark ebony skin a stark contrast to Lily's pearly white complexion.
"I'm sorry, Lils," uttered Mary softly into her ear. Both her friends could empathize more than most, Lily knew. Although neither had been friends with Severus at all neither were purebloods either. They knew the fear and the heartache – although, both being half-bloods it might have come in smaller amounts, but it was there and it was relatable nonetheless.
The dormitory door opened, almost with a bang as Lily began to calm down and Alice stormed in. She stopped dead in her tracks as she laid eyes on Lily, the expression on her face morphing from nervous to concerned.
"Alright, Lils?" she asked, slightly uncomfortably. Lily smiled at Alice. Alice was sweet and kind and one of Lily's best friends as well, but she did not do well with tears of any sort. She was the type of person who could fly into a righteous anger and be spurned into motion, not the kind of person that needed a good cry about it beforehand. Plus – being a pureblood (although a decent one and a blood traitor to boot), she didn't quite understand everything her other dorm mates went through. She sympathized, of course, but from a family of purebloods who were all able to protect themselves she could never quite understand. Lily breathed a moment.
"Yeah. Just…Sev stuff," she smiled abashedly at Alice. "What happened to you?"
The anger was back on Alice's face. "Just – Rosier. I was walking back up here alone," she sighed at the look on the other girls' faces. "Stupid, I know, but it was late and Frank was supposed to walk me back and I couldn't find him anywhere, so I left the library. Turned round a corner and Rosier was there. Grabbed me as if he was waiting for me. And he," she froze up a little. "It doesn't matter. I hexed him and got away and then Frank and James Potter of all people came out of nowhere and got me away."
Lily felt herself sitting up before she could even think – perhaps spurred on by Alice's anger. "Was he alone?" she demanded. She had made up her mind before Alice had even nodded in affirmative. "I'm talking to Severus now," she managed to grind out as she pulled a jumper on. "This is… it's just complete bloody shite. Dumbledore should expel the lot of them."
She was off before her friends could even think of a response. She strode purposefully through the common room, ignoring the looks and explanations as people realized that Lily Evans was going out after curfew. In her brazen rush she even managed to physically push past Sirius and James, who had jumped up and looked like they were intent on stopping her. Perhaps she looked just that mad, but in this moment she did not particularly care.
The library was where he would be right now. Probably with one or two of his Slytherin cronies. Definitely breaking curfew – but none of their vile crew cared about points won or lost any longer. She ran, narrowly dodging Filch and Mrs Norris on her way there. By the time she reached the library she was out of breath and panting, but it only fueled her.
He was exactly where she thought he would be, the table in the furthest corner of the tallest stacks of the library, head bowed together with Mulciber. Both looked up startled as she approached.
"You're foul," she growled at them both, eyes set on Severus. "Do you know what Rosier did to Alice earlier?" She caught her breath and laughed – a harsh derisive sound even to her own ears. The faces of both Slytherin's remained passive. "You probably do, don't you? And you don't care. Well I hope you know that whatever happens, you'll come out on the losing side. You'll wind up dead, and you'll probably deserve it, too."
Sev's eyes widened a fraction, and although his face was a mask she knew she had hit him and it hurt. It drove her down in a spiral from her anger-fueled high and suddenly all she saw before her was the same nine year old boy who just needed a friend.
"Sev," she started with a gasp, "I –"
"Save it." Mulciber's voice cut over her own meek apologies. "You've told him what you really think, don't you? Not that it matters, filthy mudlbood." He spat on her face.
Before she could muster a response, she heard four voices behind her, screaming expletives and spells simultaneously. Lily looked up, without wiping Mulcibers saliva off her face, and met Sev's eyes. For one, brief moment, he seemed to reach out to her, but it was too much. Lily turned and fled.
Tears flowing freely, she pushed her way past James and Sirius (again? Maybe she was hallucinating) and then Remus and Peter (so definitely not hallucinating, then). Three voices called her name as she fled. Severus, calling "Lily," almost drowned out by James' shout of "Evans!" and Remus' plea of "Lils." She could hear footsteps behind her and Merlin, she hoped it was Remus because she could not handle James Potter right now on top of everything.
Unsure where she was running, she eventually hit a corridor that ended at a tapestry of a witch brandishing a sword. With nowhere to go, the person behind her caught up to her. She felt arms wrap around her and she leaned into it; the scent of smoke and wind was overwhelming and so assuredly not-James-Potter that she didn't particularly care who it was. She turned her body into the hug and was met with the feeling of leather on her cheek. It drew a giggle, even through the tears.
"Sweet Merlin you women are strange," came the telltale voice of none other than Sirius Black. "What in the name of Merlin's saggy left testicle could have you laughing at a time like this?"
"Merlin's left testicle?" she giggled again. Any other time she may have found it immature, but not now. "Not his right one?"
"Ah, no. You see, legend has it his right one is a perfect orb." Black grinned at her and pulled a handkerchief from his pocket. Rather than offering it to her, he leaned forward and used it to clean the mess on her face – the fresh tears mingling with Mulciber's drying saliva.
She smacked him on the arm. "I was laughing because I have no idea how you get away with that jacket. It's honestly atrocious." She tugged on his leather jacket – which he wore over his robes – for emphasis.
"What can I say?" responded Sirius. "Three years into Hogwarts and I've already become the stuff of legends. Minnie has learned to pick and choose her battles." He winked at Lily. "Now, Remus is controlling James so he doesn't run after you in some sort of chivalrous fit, and there's no chance we'll make it back up to the common room without getting caught. So why don't you tell me what on earth just sent our calm, level headed Lily into such a rage?"
"I'm not your anything," she quipped, but sank down against the wall anyways. Sirius dropped down beside her, so their arms were just brushing. She didn't quite hate it, although maybe she didn't know Black well enough to have a proper opinion.
"It's just – were you there on Thursday? When we listened to the wireless?" They came to listen, sometimes. All four of them – although it was really most for Peter's sake. He and Remus were both half-bloods, although Remus had few connections in the wizard or muggle world.
"No," said Sirius. "None of us were. It was the full moon this year. Moony just got out of the Hospital Wing today."
"Right, well…that Slytherin muggleborn, Janet Upworth? She's in our year. Or she was, I guess. There was a girl who reported missing, around our age. She was friends with Janet in primary school. They still saw each other on the hols. It was awful. Slughorn and Dumbledore came in, had to pull Janet out. Last I heard she flooed home and her family is moving to France. She'll go to Beauxbatons, I think." Sirius hummed in agreement.
"And it just got me thinking, I mean – it's real." Quickly, she described what she had told her friends earlier the same night, although with fewer tears. "And then Alice came in and I was just so angry. How can I be friends with someone like that?"
"Well," sighed Sirius, "if it helps, Rosier is under a full body bind and stuffed in a broom closet. We figured we'd let him out in the morning, if Filch hasn't found him by then."
Lily regarded Sirius for a moment and made a move to stand up. As if they boys could say they were any better – going around and treating people like that. But Sirius was quick, and his arm wrapped around her shoulder, effectively stopping her from moving.
"Lily, stop. I'm sorry. I'll even let him go now, if you want me to." She rolled her eyes, knowing full well he would do no such thing, but gave him a small smile. Because honestly, leaving someone in a closet in a full body bind? That was tame for Rosier. Tame for most of them. Even in the halls of this school. Merlin knew the teachers did bloody nothing to stop them.
"You're right," he conceded, as if hearing her thoughts, "I won't. But seriously Lils, I get it."
"Look," Lily sighed. "This is kind of you, really. But I don't see how you can understand."
Sirius raised his eyebrows and Lily remembered just a moment too late. Of course Sirius would get it and he was maybe the only other person in the school who could empathize, with his younger brother in Slytherin and all.
She could tell Sirius saw her brain working it out, because he gave her a small smile and continued as if she hadn't spoken. "Sometimes I don't think I can do anything, you know? He was my best friend and then I left for Hogwarts and when I got back he was just…gone. I guess my parents figured that I was a lost cause, but they could still raise Reggie right."
Lily slipped an arm around his waist and Sirius let her. "I don't know how much you know about my family. I'm sure not a lot," he grinned ruefully at her. There was underlying meaning. Because we aren't friends is what he was saying. Because we don't know anything about each other. She shook her head for him to go on.
"They're Voldemort supports. No," he said at the look on her face, "not Death Eaters. But as far as I'm concerned it's not much different. Reggie will be one, though. I can already tell. It's just like Snivell – sorry, I mean Snape. The crowds he hangs around with, the stuff he says. It's all there."
"So what do you do?" she finally asked, her voice cracking. "How do you make sure he doesn't end up like one of them?"
"I don't do anything," he said, with a sympathetic look. "I try to be the best brother I can be I guess, when we aren't fighting. When he lets me be his brother. The rest of it – it's his choice. It's not like he doesn't have other options."
Lily thought on that for a moment. And it was true; as much as Regulus had made his choice as soon as he made friends at Hogwarts, so had Severus. Maybe even moreso, because Sev hadn't come from a family that believed so ardently in what Voldemort was preaching. He hadn't even known who Voldemort was.
"Then how do you live with it?" she finally asked.
"Like I said," Sirius responded. He was looking down and fiddling with his cuff with the hand that wasn't around Lily. "I try to be the best brother I can be. And I hope too. I hope that this doesn't turn into war. I hope we don't end up on opposite sides." His voice turned steely. "Because if there's war, I'll fight. And it won't matter if he's my brother, then. It'll matter that people like him have to be stopped."
They sat in silence for a long while. Sirius' head drooped against her shoulder and his breathing evened out until Lily was sure he was asleep.
"I'll still make up with him, though," she whispered to the darkness.
Sirius shifted to glance up at her. "I know. I'll always make up with Reg, too. Until it's too awful to, I guess. You wouldn't be you if you didn't."
"Thought you were asleep," she responded.
"I know," Sirius smirked back at her. "What can I say? I'm a light sleeper."
"Berk," she pinched him on the side with the arm that was around his waist. "Guess you're not so bad after all, Black."
He grinned, standing and puller her to her feet as he did so. "Hey, we're friends now. You have to call me Sirius, now that you know all my deep, dark, brooding secrets. It's only fair."
"I don't know if I can handle that level of commitment, Sirius," Lily joked.
"Oh, but you have to," Sirius responded dramatically. There was an almost maniacal glint in his eyes. "Imagine how much it'll annoy James."
Lily laughed. For the first time in days, she truly laughed. Not for the first time she realized that maybe the Mauraders weren't so bad after all. Even if they were all gits. Perhaps it was just part of the charm.
