Sayaka – False Love
Sayaka loves him. She doesn't care what anyone else has to say about it. She knows she loves him. She loves Kamijou Kyousuke, and that's why she uses her wish to heal his broken self that is fading into depression. She remembers Mami's harsh words and tells herself that's not it. It's not false love or the yearning for gratitude. Sayaka only wants him to become the strong-willed boy she first fell in love with. A powerless boy with a lost dream, she doesn't want to see him like that.
She smiles to herself while watching him practice the violin again. That serene expression on his face is enough for her to know that he is happy, and that makes her even more certain in the choice of her wish. Feeling happiness because the one you love is happy, isn't that what love is?
"I'm sorry, Sayaka-chan. After what happened to Mami-san, I…"
Sayaka knows what Madoka is trying to say. That she's scared, that being a magical girl is not like it is in fairytales, and that she's guilty for backing out in making a contract. Sayaka tells her it's okay though, because she's fine on her own. She'll take over for Mami in protecting the city, because that's what Mami would have wanted. She's going to become a soldier of justice just like her beloved role model Mami.
"Mami was an idiot, and you're an even bigger idiot for following her idea."
Sayaka clenches her jaw at Kyouko. The red haired girl is obnoxiously annoying. What gives her the right to badmouth Mami? She was a hero, a real soldier of justice unlike the selfish Kyouko, and Sayaka makes sure to point that out. From stealing food to fighting witches only when she felt like it, Sayaka brings to light the ugly faults in Kyouko's morals. It's no wonder Kyouko is friends with Homura. They are both selfish, and their wishes were most likely selfish too, and she vows to never become like them. She'll continue Mami's work and protect people like real heroes do. That's what justice is. That's what love is. She'll never waver, never.
"Sayaka-chan, I love Kamijou-kun."
It hits Sayaka like a bus, and she's not sure if she heard it right or not. Where exactly is this coming from? When exactly did Shizuki Hitomi start having those feelings? More importantly, why is Hitomi telling her this after Sayaka has already made her wish? It enrages her to the point of wishing she had never become a magical girl or made a wish. What irks her more is that Hitomi's confession sounds so very shallow.
Why did she wait until Kyousuke experienced the miracle of Sayaka's wish? It makes her think that Hitomi is just as selfish as Kyouko and Homura. Sayaka loves him more, that's what she thinks, because she gave up so much just to see him smile again. Her wish, her life, her humanity, all of it was given up just to see him become happy again, and she refuses to think that that is fake.
"Just waltz in there and break his arm. He'll surely come crawling back to you."
Sayaka hates herself because she actually considers the inhumane option. Then again, she isn't human anymore, so she thinks that maybe it's okay to do it, to break his dream and watch him cling to her again. That contradiction leaves her torn though, because what was the use of her wish then? What did she become a magical girl for? Wasn't it to save her love from becoming the pitiful mess she hated? Then for the first time since hearing it, she starts to understand Mami's harsh words. She starts to really understand them and clings desperately to the small belief that she truly wished for Kyousuke's dream and not his gratitude.
Sayaka is telling herself that she's happy as long as she can hear Kyousuke play the violin again. She keeps telling herself that is all she wants from her wish, and to prove it, she distances herself from Kyousuke romantically. It's easy at first because she's determined to show everyone they are wrong about her wish, but as she walks the streets of Mitakihara alone at night, she wonders how things turned out this way: alone with no love and pride inflated enough to push Madoka away. Then she suddenly understands the emptiness that was sometimes placed in Mami's yellow eyes. This is what magical girls truly are.
The thought repulses Sayaka, and she can feel her resolve fading fast into darkness. The beautiful sky blue hue of her soul gem threatens to become darker than night, and Sayaka is scared more than anything else because she realizes the ugly truth of herself. She's a hypocrite. She's the real selfish one. Her wish, her actions, they are both selfish, but Kyouko tells her it doesn't matter anymore. A call for pity? Sayaka pays no heed to whatever is said though, because she knows that it's all lip service from a guilty conscious.
"It's a miracle that you're almost fully healed."
Sayaka is watching as Kyousuke walks home with Hitomi. Kyousuke is happy, Sayaka can tell, because he's making that face he always makes when he's happy. Love is defined as being content when the one you love is content. If that is true, Sayaka wonders why she's clenching her fists so tightly when she sees them kiss so happily, when she sees them hold hands so comfortably, and when she sees them together so casually. She's so incredibly enraged beyond words when the one she loves is the happiest he probably ever will be, and it doesn't make sense to her, none of it does.
Sayaka wonders why she's in her magical girl outfit with a sword at their throats. They're trying to speak, to scream, but it doesn't reach Sayaka's ears like she's all of a sudden become deaf. Something in the back of her mind has snapped, and her sword is swinging absentmindedly. Blood splatters paint the ground and her clothes carelessly in her blue eyes that have been glazed with psychotic madness. That is her miracle to claim. That wish belongs to her, and her alone.
"Sayaka stop, please!"
Somehow that plea reaches Sayaka, and she looks at the bloody corpse laying at her feet. Where is Hitomi's leg? Then she realizes that she's holding an arm in her other hand. She knows very well whose it is without even looking to her loved one. It is the arm she wished to save after all, the arm she gave her life up for. Kyousuke's sobbing, and in the deep depths of Sayaka's heart, she's smirking because he finally feels what she has been feeling.
The rhapsody of an orchestra never meant to be fills her with more grief than she can swallow, and she conducts this sad lot to cast sorrow among the people as Oktavia von Seckendorff. She doesn't hear their screams, their cries of pain. No, she only hears that song that made her know love for the first time, and somewhere in the corner of her eye, she sees the boy who played that song. She sees him without an arm, pushing a girl without a leg in a wheelchair. They're smiling, they're happy, they're in love, and a part of Oktavia, the part that contains Sayaka's repressed feelings, cries with empty tears as her orchestra continues their never ending serenade.
Sayaka knows by now that her love was a hopeless one. She knows and wishes she knew before things became this way, before she made her selfish wish for such a false love, and she thinks back to that day, that concert where her orchestra of love began, and she also thinks of her wish. If she could be given a second chance, a second wish, then she thinks to herself: I wish to never know love.
-Author Note-
Quifeng here. Well for Sayaka there isn't that much for me to say. Anyone who has known unrequited love probably understands a little of what she's going through. The question is: are you going to grow and push on, or let it hold you back and cling to it? Same question goes to Kyousuke and his dead arm situation. If you ask me, I think he didn't even like Sayaka romantically. They were just friends who liked the same kind of music which I suppose is rare since how many middle schoolers actually like classical music outside of orchestra class? He was never going to reciprocate and I think a part of Sayaka knew that. If there was just a bit more time between Sayaka's wish and Shizuka confessing, I think she would have been ok. Well, thats it for me. Review if you can and thanks for reading.
