Kyouko – Pulsing Regrets
Kyouko sits on the dirty steps of her father's church eating an apple. She's thinking and thinking very hard. She's trying to recreate what her father's church looked like before the stained glass windows were broken in, before random wood logs were tossed about on the ground, and before her family died. The thought halts her from eating. It's starting to taste terrible in her mouth like metal, but she forces herself to swallow it.
Her father's words cross her mind again, and she abruptly stands up on the top step of the church. It's empty. That's no surprise, but she wonders why she keeps noticing it. This time, last time, the day before that, she keeps seeing the emptiness in this church, in everything. To explain this, Kyouko thinks that maybe, just maybe, there is some deeper meaning to it. That sounds ridiculous to her though, like it's something Mami would say instead. Symbolism and sentimental things were not Kyouko's strong suit. She could care less about that. Self-sufficiency is all that matters to her. She's learned that the hard way.
"That's not a miracle, it's a curse!"
Her father was right about that. The power that granted her wish truly was a curse, not a miracle. All she wanted was for people to give her father a chance and at least listen to what he had to say. She regrets that wish now. If only she hadn't been so weak, so simpleminded, her family would still be alive.
Kyouko becomes lightheaded but catches herself on the dirty door frame of the church. Images of her father hanging lifelessly from the ceiling pour into her head. Her mother and sister are lying in a pool of crimson, holding each other with such horror on their still faces that have been burned into Kyouko's eyes as a haunting reminder. She can smell the blood and stench of alcohol mixed with gun powder as if she was still in that very room. It's making her sick and reminding her of how there's nothing left for her in this world.
"It's scary to be alone, I know."
Kyouko feels her stomach ease at remembering Mami, her former teacher. A part of her is grateful for having learned so much about witch hunting from Mami, but another part of her wants to erase the yellow haired girl from her memory. Why was the girl so damn set on being a hero of justice? Kyouko thinks it's stupid. Risking your life for people who don't even know you, don't even appreciate you, it's just stupid. There is no gain from killing familiars, so what drove her former teacher to have that unmatchable passion? She will probably never know nor understand.
"Mami has fallen. Mitakihara has no magical girl now."
Kyouko takes a long moment to process Kyuubey's words. She's holding a large portion of her feelings back when she heartlessly claims the territory as her own now, and Kyuubey isn't smart enough to see through her façade. That or he just doesn't care enough to point it out because he leaves in a rush. Kyouko does the exact same and arrives on Mami's apartment balcony.
She stops herself from entering because someone else is in there. A pink haired girl in the same uniform as Mami's school. According to Kyuubey, that girl, Kaname Madoka, had magical potential filled to the brim. Definitely a worthy apprentice for Mami and perhaps a better friend, unlike her own self. After Kyouko flips through the campus notes and reads a personal note written in the back, she feels the regret of leaving her friend all that time ago. She never did understand Mami, the real Mami. The loneliness was too much for her gentle teacher, Kyouko knew that, yet she still left. If she hadn't, would Mami be alive right now? It's just another one of the regrets she marks up on her score board right next to her wish.
"It's none of your business whether I kill familiars or not."
Kyouko narrows her eyes at Sayaka, claiming her to be an even bigger idiot than Mami. More than that, she wonders why there is someone even more stupid than herself in their decision of a wish. At least her wish was to help someone who cared for her, Sayaka saved a self-centered boy who could only see the emptiness of a half filled glass. It makes Kyouko feel sorry for the blue haired girl because she doesn't yet know the truth about the curse of magical girls. She hasn't experienced the regret that manifests from a wish never meant to be made, and somewhere deep down inside, Kyouko secretly hopes she doesn't because that pain is enough to incite death.
"Walpurgisnacht will come here in one month. What do you say to a truce, Sakura Kyouko?"
Kyouko pauses for a moment. Kyuubey was indeed right. This girl, Akemi Homura, is an irregular. How she knows these things is beyond Kyouko's thought work. It's as if Homura cares but also doesn't, like the light has died somewhere in her eyes, and Kyouko doesn't know whether she can trust the irregular or not. She agrees nonetheless perhaps due to a lack of anything else better to do. If the time ever comes that Homura double crosses her, Kyouko knows exactly how to make a counter move and that involves Madoka.
There's more to those two than either let on, Kyouko just knows. Whether Madoka plays innocent or Homura gives the silent treatment whenever Kyouko asks about it, there's a deep connection that they both hold onto so dearly, and sometimes it makes her jealous. It makes her think of her broken connection with Mami, and the connection she wants to make with Sayaka. There were so many chances to mend both, yet she let them slip by like a passing shower. She'll surely regret it later like she always does.
"You should have left it in the labyrinth. Make sure to dispose of it carefully."
Kyouko lets the words fade in silence as she carefully lays Sayaka's lifeless body on the bed. Those words are rather cold even to her own ears, and she wonders just how deep the mystery of Homura can become. It was just the other day that Homura ran herself breathless to return the lost soul gem to Sayaka, and now she couldn't care less what the blue haired girl had become. Every time Kyouko thinks she understands Homura just a bit more, the girl changes into a completely different person. That should be the least of her worries though. Right now she's more concerned about how to bring Sayaka back, that is, if it's even possible. According to Kyuubey, it isn't. Then again, how many times has that thing been honest? The deceitful incubator is hardly trustful.
Kyouko holds her soul gem out to let her magic rain on Sayaka. Just the sight of her makes Kyouko's thoughts wander to all the regrets in her life. This will be yet another one that gets marked up on her scoreboard right next to Mami's death. Just how many people has she killed indirectly or otherwise? Thoughts like this make her sick enough to want to die, and she wonders if that option is still even available to a cursed girl.
"Can we really bring Sayaka-chan back?"
Kyouko hesitates before nodding. She keeps asking herself if this is the right thing to do. Madoka is still a bystander to these events, and Kyouko isn't sure she can promise the girl's safety. She tries to calculate the risks involved in this gamble. To erase one regret, another of equal value has to be put on the line, and Kyouko isn't exactly beaming to tally up another on her scoreboard.
"Please Sayaka-chan, let's go back together."
Kyouko should know better by now, but she hasn't learned anything at all. Bringing Madoka was a mistake, and she can't undo it. Sayaka is beyond help. Kyouko knew that, yet she still wanted to try. She's in a tough spot now because she has to choose between another regret and death. To leave Madoka and escape, or fight and die. Either way Kyouko will have killed another person. That thought is enough to make her want to give up and end things here before more regrets can pile up.
"I never thought you would try something this foolish."
Homura's appearance doesn't surprise Kyouko. In fact, she's grateful because there will be one less regret haunting her after death, knowing Homura will do anything to save Madoka. Kyouko brandishes her spear, ready to throw away everything. She knows she can't come out of this fight alive, but she's still going to do this. Partly because she wants to save Sayaka to erase that regret, and also partly because she's decided that this is the end. With so many deaths piled up at her feet, she's tired of always being the only one alive to harbor these pulsing regrets.
Before anything can even happen though, her world goes black, and she wakes up on the ground of a dirty alley. Her head is throbbing, and she realizes Homura standing there holding Madoka in her arms. Kyouko pieces things together and curses at the conclusion she's come to. She curses at Homura and angrily shakes her by the collar before throwing a punch that the raven haired girl can't dodged. She's screaming with hot tears running down her cheeks. She's screaming about wanting to die and why she has to be cursed with being the only one still alive.
"Because you're a survivor. I told you this before: you're the one most suited to be a magical girl. You have no wavering sentiments."
That's wrong. In truth, her tough personality is all a front, and she's surprised she pulls it off well enough to fool Homura and maybe even herself. But deep down inside, Kyouko knows she can't reject the part of herself that secretly wishes to reach out to people like when she was young, and naïve, and free. She recalls Mami deeming her akin to a sentimental romantic once before on their long night walks. It honestly made Kyouko laugh upon hearing it, but now she can only hold those words tightly in her hands. She didn't deserve those kind words then, and thinks that maybe Homura's own fits her better now. Though she can't deny the sadness when the people she holds so dear keep dying around her. Being a survivor isn't as good as it sounds.
Kyouko shoves Homura's poker face away and starts her trek with spear in hand. Each step she takes yields that emotionless expression to block her path no matter how many times she pushes past it. Just when the irregular gives up in her stubborn pursuit, Kyouko catches the fleeting innocent pink of Madoka vanish into the tainted midnight of Homura. The spear breaks in her hand, and she knows blood has been drawn from clenching much too hard. She's jealous though the reason isn't clear. Perhaps it's because Homura was able to dispel a regret so easily, or perhaps it's because she couldn't do anything to help anyone yet again.
Kyouko plays with the thought and lets it sit on her mind as she makes it back to her father's secluded church. Nothing's changed from the broken stained glass windows to the scattered lumber. Nothing has changed at all except for one thing, and Kyouko finds it in the corner of the prayer hall behind a dirty rag hanging from the ceiling that used to be called a curtain. Her spear scratches into the wall as the life dies in her eyes just a little bit more. There's way too many tallies to even count, but only these five matter to her. It's Sayaka right next to Mami as well as her father, mother, and sister.
Her fingers run across her precious people and surprisingly, or not, she doesn't shed a tear. Her eyes go back to the battered first tally on her wall of regrets, and her spear stabs it harshly yet again. She sits on the dirty steps of the chapel and brings a chocolate pocky stick to her lips even though she isn't hungry. Kyouko is thinking and thinking very hard. She's accepted the fact that she's a survivor who is burdened with carrying the pulsing regrets of a wish never meant to be. She's accepted it whether she likes it or not, and that is probably why she is the most suited to be a magical girl. Her wish was stupid and full of nothing but regrets. It's something she will never be able to change, and yet she wonders what she would do if she had a second wish. She ponders and ponders and manages to laugh because it sounds so childish, but she thinks to herself: I wish for no wish.
-Author Note-
Quifeng here. So I think Kyouko is the most suitable to be a magical girl because she's adaptable. She changes depending on what situation she's facing. She pushes on and tries to find a way to make it work. Because of that, I feel like she only made a wish because she could and not because she wanted to or needed to. For me, her pre-wish situation seems the most normal or able to overcome next to Sayaka's. I'm sure she knows that and that's why her biggest regret is making a wish in the first place. Well, that's about it for that. Review if you can and thanks for reading.
