Homura – Dwindling Hope
Homura coolly stands in the hall, awaiting to make her entrance for her first day back at school. She's seemingly calm and collected, but on the inside, she's fighting a raging tide of emotion that she is not sure she'll win against. Because as soon as she steps inside the classroom, her heart threatens to be swept away at the very sight of her precious person, Kaname Madoka. Homura is quick to extinguish any weak sentiments though because that will only bring failure to fruition, and she absolutely cannot have that.
"Homura…chan? It sounds like a cool name."
Homura bites her lip hard enough to bleed. It's so sickeningly nostalgic in every way. The same words, the same voice, the same rose pink hair, the same red ribbon, all of it pushes Homura closer to the edge of insanity. And the minute she sees those eyes, she wants to scream. One hundred and sixty eight times. 168. That is how many times she has been cursed to gaze upon that innocent shade of pink. She hates those eyes because they don't recognize her, yet she loves those eyes because they were the first thing to ever save her.
"Who exactly are you, Akemi-San?"
Homura isn't surprised that Tomoe Mami has already become suspicious of her actions. This girl was the first of the five to become a magical girl after all. She's been present in more territory wars than any of them have. That isn't the thing that worries Homura though. It's Mami's tactical abilities that make the raven haired girl walk on eggshells. The yellow soldier of justice hardly had any flashy abilities such as Homura's time stop or Sayaka's rapid healing, yet she could best any of them in a fight.
That makes it all the harder for her to complete her goal. She needs to separate Madoka from Mami if she wishes to save the former, but she'd rather not have a bout with the latter. Somehow, Homura understands Mami's intentions though. Because once upon a time, she was the exact same, and perhaps she still is. That doesn't mean she'll hand Madoka over to Mami though. Homura will make sure to free Madoka of this curse no matter how many times it takes.
"Give that back! It belongs to Mami-San!"
Homura holds the grief seed of the sweet-toothed Charlotte in her hands as she warns Sayaka and Madoka to mind their place, less they wish for the same fate as Mami. If this were several timelines ago, Homura would have felt sorrow for Mami's passing and empathy for the tears in Madoka's eyes. She's moved past that now and sees no use for it when she can rewind time to where their yellow haired senpai is alive again. Life is nothing more than a game where Homura can revert to the last save point to start over again. The real question is how many continues does she have?
"Hey Irregular, what is Madoka to you anyway?"
Homura finds it odd that Kyouko is asking about that, but then again, perhaps it's not. Regardless, Homura gives her the silent treatment whether because she's being cautious or because she thinks that someone with no sentiment like Kyouko would never understand. Someone who only fights for themself wouldn't understand Homura's burning desire to protect Madoka from this cursed magical world. But on a deeper note, Homura wonders what exactly is Madoka to her. She can hardly find a word to describe their relationship or even begin to explain it.
"Don't act so superior, you're the same as me. We're not even human anymore! We're not even alive anymore…"
Homura says nothing back while Kyouko tries to knock some sense into the blue haired knight. It's sooner than expected, but Sayaka will turn into a witch in the next few days. It's an undeniable fact that Homura has witnessed time and time again. At first, she tried to stop it, but it soon became apparent to her that it was something unavoidable, and she stopped trying at timeline number seventy-one.
The psychotic madness set in those sky blue eyes is enough for Homura to flee in case of a new witch's birth. She expects Kyouko to follow, but knows that is highly unlikely. The fiery magical girl has always been stubborn in saving Sayaka no matter how many times Homura turned back the clock, and sometimes she wondered why, but that wasn't the important thing at the moment. If something happened to Kyouko before Walpurgisnacht, Homura could surely see this timeline ending in failure.
"Madoka has made a contract."
Homura's eyes widen with horror and a second later, a barrage of pink streaks across the dark sky toward the incredibly huge witch. Without a doubt, Madoka has made a contract. Homura could never forget that innocently beautiful color that suited her dear friend so well even as a magical girl, and the very sight of it makes Homura want to cry a thousand tears. This timeline is a failure.
She hears the gears shift and the clock hands whirring before her world goes black, and she wakes up in her same bed with her hair in twin braids. Her gaze falls upon the calendar on her wall where the date is marked one month into the past. Again, Homura has to live this same month again for the one hundredth and sixty ninth time. 169th time. The infinite loop she is caught in has distorted her sense of time immensely, and the reality that says two and a half years has passed doesn't register in her head.
A first year in high school at the age of sixteen is where she is supposed to be instead of wasting away in a loop where her mind will surely break from dwindling hope, and somewhere in the deep recesses of her mind, she wonders if what she's doing is worth it. She wonders if there is a point to any of this. The only thing she wants is Madoka's happiness, yet Madoka's happiness takes root in everyone's safety, which then translates to Homura needing to save everyone. No matter how many times she thinks about it, the chain keeps continuing until it eventually becomes a loop very much like her own life.
"Homura…chan? It sounds like a cool name."
Homura stops in her tracks and throws her cold gaze toward Madoka. This Madoka is more timid than the first, yet she still exudes the same presence somehow. The raven haired girl reaches a hand forward to caress the other's cheek gently. The latter is quite confused, and the look in her eyes gives away how awkward she's feeling. Then those words "What am I to you?" tumble carelessly from Homura's lips, and Madoka doesn't answer right away or more like she can't because she doesn't know what to say.
Her hand retreats, and she turns away from that pink hue. What exactly was she expecting in response anyway? Homura mentally curses at her moment of stupidity and finds herself leaving first, surprised that Madoka isn't the one scurrying to make an exit after such a display.
"So what's this thing going on between you and that Madoka girl?"
Homura ignores Kyouko's question and wonders why the girl always notices that and has a burning desire to ask about it in every timeline. What exactly is Kyouko expecting as an answer? Homura wonders but then doesn't have to anymore because curiosity gets the best of her, and she asks her truce partner for the reason behind the question. Fits of laughter reach her ears as she watches Kyouko clutch her sides. There's no doubt she's being made fun of right now, and it irks her slightly because maybe the fiery girl knows something she doesn't.
"What did you wish for, Homura-Chan?"
There's hesitation in Homura because this is the first time Madoka, any Madoka, has ever asked her that question. There's no way she would understand, yet Homura feels the urge to tell her everything. The words sit on the tip of her tongue waiting to spill pass her lips, but she bites them back at the last second. She searches deep inside those baby pink eyes and impulsively wraps her arms around her dear friend. Tears are silently falling from her dark violets, and she realizes only now that maybe this is more than just friendship. Something much, much more.
"Madoka has made a contract."
Homura falls in defeat at those words that have destroyed her world time and time again. This is the first time, since several dozen timelines ago, that she finds herself sobbing without regard to anything. As pink paints the dark sky once again, the screeching death cry of the witch fills the air and jolts Homura out of her daze. She runs herself breathless towards Madoka who lies half dead on the cracked pavement and rubble. Her trembling hand reaches for a near lifeless one and clutches onto it ever so desperately. How many times has she held that dying girl in her arms?
"I'm glad you're safe, Homura-Chan…"
Homura chokes on the sobs forcing their way out. This has happened so many times, yet it still breaks her heart to tiny pieces. She runs a thumb across those bloodied lips that somehow still find the strength to smile and sobs even harder at their warmth as she pulls out a handgun. The gears of time shift loudly, wrapping her in pure darkness and whipping her back in time to her bed with her hair in twin braids.
But instead of jumping out of bed and planning her next course of action, she helplessly breaks down and lets it take over her for the first time. She's tired of this, and tells herself that it's hopeless. Saving everyone is hopeless. Saving Madoka is hopeless. There's no future for her or for them, and for the first time, she feels her dwindling hope laugh as it claims victory. This is her last continue.
"Homura…chan? It sounds like a cool name."
Homura stops and prepares herself for the final act she's laid out. Confusion is written in those baby pinks that she has never once forgotten about, but that's okay because it's still her Madoka. Then for the first time in a long time, a smile graces Homura's lips, and she closes the gap between them with a hand reaching Madoka's cheek. She touches their foreheads together and breathes Madoka in like the air. She's whispering something along the lines of "thank you," "I'm sorry," and "goodbye" before slowly pulling away.
That same smile is still present on Homura's lips, but it has dulled into something more sad and regretful than happy. She closes her eyes, and a tear slips down her cheek as she pulls her handgun out. The cold end of the 9mm barrel kisses Homura's temple as shock and fear consume Madoka. The girl is panicking, desperately begging for Homura to stop whatever it is she plans to do. Seeing her beloved friend plead like so is more than enough to rattle Homura's resolve, and she feels a cloud of darkness invade her chest. She can tell her soul gem has darken from purple to black without even glancing at it. Her hand is shaking with terrible fear as she shoves the aching sobs back down her throat in order to utter her final words.
"I love you…"
Her violet eyes squeeze shut as does her finger on the trigger, and the last thing she hears is Madoka's scream. Silence fills the air, and Homura gathers the courage to slowly open her eyes. A blue tint has fallen upon everything and in front of her is Madoka frozen in time with an outstretched hand. Pain suddenly registers in Homura's right temple where she pulls the gun away, feeling the very bullet rest against broken skin. Blood trails down the curves of her face, and she falls to her knees, gasping for air she didn't know she needed.
Homura's gaze darts back to a horrified Madoka who dashed forward to try and stop her. The sobs she was holding back earlier spill out carelessly now. She leaves the handgun on the ground and goes to Madoka with a heavy heart at having failed even in this. Homura places a chaste kiss on Madoka's forehead, promising to never yield to dwindling hope again.
Her cool demeanor returns to her, and the grief has already cleared from her soul gem where the royal purple hue shines once again. Homura flips her hair and hears the gears of time shift, transporting her back to the start. She wakes up in the same room, in the same bed, in the same clothes, but takes no time to dwell in it. Timeline number one hundred and seventy one. 171. Her mind is clear of all doubts, and she's determined to save her precious person this time.
She's determined, yet something still lies dormant in the back of her mind. Something that whispers how failure will result in this timeline just like the others, but she pushes it aside because she doesn't need that now. It's not until Homura sees those baby pinks again where she starts to question if this was the right choice.
She doesn't know where things went wrong or how it even progressed this far, but she thinks that maybe the problem started in her selfishly-made wish. It's the one thing she can't rewind back to redo. That makes her wonder what she would do if a second wish were granted to her. What would she use it for, what would she wish for? She thinks about it this time and eventually comes to an answer. An answer she knows she should have wished for in the first place. And when she faces those baby pink hues yet again for the one hundred and seventy second time, 172nd time, she thinks to herself: I wish for Madoka's happiness.
-Author Note-
Quifeng here. So Homura I think has always been the one who kind of ruins everything. I don't want that to sound bad but I think it will anyway. First of all, her wish to see Madoka again. This essentially pushes kyuubey to make a contract with Madoka every time because of the increased magical affinity. Even if that is the case and Madoka turns, why does Homura just give up after that? I mean we don't actually know if Homura is doing anything to protect Madoka during the fight, but if they beat Walpurgisnacht and Madoka survives, isn't that better than nothing? Though I feel like she's supposed to die every time.
Second point, after Madoka rewrites the world to get rid of witches, Homura unknowingly ruins it again by telling kyuubey about the witch method which he can't help but experiment with the idea. Even after all that, Homura rejects Madoka's help and decides to trap her and the others in the witch barrier she created. In the end, I don't think any of it is about saving Madoka or being able to be together. It's all about: I want to reclaim those lost school days with Madoka. She developed a god complex so to speak. She just wanted that lost time back.
Well that's about it for that. I feel like that made me sound like a Homura hater. I actually don't because Homura simply made a choice and everyone makes their own choices. It's just that for a time jumper she makes a lot of bad ones. There's also one plot hole I've always wondered about: how is Madoka contract-free when Homura resets? Unless she's jumping to alternate timelines where Madoka hasn't made one yet. Well yeah that's that. Like, follow, or review if you can and thanks for reading.
