Month one
Nicky stared at the ceiling. If she stayed in bed, and didn't let the tears slip from her eyes, then it was easier to pretend that it wasn't happening. Saying that it was early days was an understatement, and yet it still felt like the end of her world as she knew it was just around the corner. And all for fucking heroin, like she couldn't survive without it, like her very existence relied on the rush of endorphins and shame that came at the end of every high.
It might not even be...that, she reasoned with herself as she tried to block out the sounds of morning approaching in the dorms. I only missed my period once. It could be anything...
She shook her head. Denial was a powerful thing; when she was a kid, she used to pretend that Paloma was her mom, as she clung to her hand walking down the street. She believed her own lies, sometimes - but store windows always told her differently and the smile would slip off of her face as she studied their differences. She couldn't pretend then and she certainly couldn't pretend now. She wished that she could blindly believe anything that seemed better than the truth. Lorna seemed to do it so easily, and even though people pitied the girl for doing it, Nicky thought that right now, it seemed like a good solution to the crushing pressure she felt.
She forced herself to stand. A little electroshock therapy didn't hurt anyone, she thought grimly as she pulled her boots on. She couldn't be bothered to shower. The lines would be too long for this time in the morning and just putting her bra on had been agony as her hands brushed over her tender chest. It felt like PMS but ten times worse as she stretched her back and started to walk towards the bathrooms.
Snagging the stall that still had a door, Nicky sat down on the toilet and stared at the graffiti covered walls. Regardless of all of her past, all of the potentially dirty needles she had stuck into her arm and the amount of women she bedded whilst here, it still made her squirm to think how many ladies had sat where she was sitting. She finished and stood, wishing that she didn't have to head straight to electrical.
Still, she forced herself to put one foot in front of the other, waving to Norma as she trudged over there. No matter how shit she felt, she wasn't going to push away the only family she had left, even if they weren't who she craved to be around. Red wasn't here, she reminded herself, casting her eyes down to the floor with a steely stare. She wasn't...she couldn't pick up the pieces this time. On the outside, she had grown used to being numb to loneliness. Filled the void with drugs and sex, ignored Marka's pleas and did whatever the fuck she wanted to. Now, she wished that her mom was here, with a cold blue stare and hands that steered her in the right directions. To yell and scream and curse until Russian words replaced the English. To hold her close when she finally cracked, tears rolling down her eyes.
Pent up emotions fight their way out as Nicky stepped into the old building with the door slamming behind her. Luschek stopped his redundant speech about the importance of fuses and stared at her. "It's obvious that someone has their red dot special. Come on Nichols - you'll be the one fixing that door." He laughed obnoxiously and Nicky rolled her eyes and wished she was on her period, despite the awful name he assigned it.
"Actually, no." Nicky snapped, pulling more plaster from the hole in the wall she'd created previously. She chipped a little away before looking up. "Why, are you? Did you think we'd synced up?"
Nervous titters of laughter bubbled from other ladies in the room whilst Chapman raised her eyebrows at Nicky's odd behavior. Whilst it wasn't strange for her to have a witty comeback, it usually didn't deliver with such a harsh bite to her voice. "You okay, Nicky?" Piper asked softly, and Nicky stared at her coldly, her attention finally pulled from the wall.
"Me?" She laughed but with no trace of amusement. "I'm fucking fantastic."
Chapman nodded. "Missing Red?" She asked, fiddling with a wire in front of her. "I get it. It can be really fucking lonely in here," she conceded. "I miss my mom sometimes. Sometimes," she emphasized.
"Sure, Chapman, but your mom was never here. You never got used to having her around. I got used to having no mom. Now I have one and she's too far away." Nicky looked to the floor. "But yeah - like I said. I'm fantastic."
Piper nodded, a sympathetic smile on her lips. It made Nicky squirm but she didn't look away. Instead she held the gaze, her eyes hardened. "I know."
The phone felt heavy in Nicky's tired hands as she waited for the call to be screened and for Red to accept it. The wait always felt like an eternity and it was weird to think about Red having to accept calls from a prison she had only just been released from.
"I wondered when you were going to call," Red said dryly from the other end. "You know I get home at five, right?" Red's voice is bright and breezy and although Nicky knew she wasn't really mad, the thought of disappointing her - again - made her crumble a little inside.
"Mhmm." Nicky hummed, her fingers entangling with the cord. "I'm tired," she whined, "and my feet and back hurt." Like a child, Nicky couldn't seem to help herself - there was an instinct to let her mother know exactly what she was going through.
Red frowned sympathetically, her hands stroking her apron as if it was Nicky herself. "I know, malyshka. Being female has a lot of...negatives," she finished slowly.
"It fucking sucks!" Nicky groaned. Red let the ghost of a smile appear on her lips for just a moment, before she heard the exhale of a shaky breath, when it quickly fell from her face and she gripped the phone tightly. "What should I do?" Nicky whispered. A sigh escaped from her lips and it physically pained Red that she couldn't reach out and hold her. "What can I do, here?"
It wasn't a secret that Red always had an opinion and never imagined that it would be wrong to share it, but this time, she stopped. It was important to her that this was Nicky's decision, Nicky's opinion. She nodded thoughtfully. "What...what do you want to do?"
"I don't fucking know, Red!" Nicky snapped, her hand flying to her head in frustration. "If I made good decisions, I wouldn't be here...and I wouldn't be, well - you know," she muttered darkly.
"Okay," Red said finally. "You've only got a year left," she said tentatively, acutely aware of how long a year sounded when you were still behind bars. "A baby..." Red smiled though there were a thousand problems with the very notion, and both of them knew it, "I'm not telling you what to do, sweetheart, but a child changes things. They do."
"Yeah. They ruin your life. You only have to look at inmates here. The Spanish girls, Diaz and Ruiz. Sophia. Marka! And she had a thousand nannies..." Nicky trailed off, her head shaking. "Marka was always very open about the fact that she didn't want me. I'm sure the human race will survive without another life-ruiner."
Red bit her lip, somewhat thankful that she wasn't with Nicky because if she had been, the urge to shake the stupid out of her might have been too strong to resist. "What about me, huh? Don't be facetious, Nicky - it won't get you anywhere with me."
Guilt instantly rained down on Nicky as she tried to not snap another sarcastic remark back at her. "I know," Nicky said quietly, and she let the facade fall for the shortest moment, "I know you're always behind me, but not everyone was." She cleared her throat self-consciously. "I guess I'm used to having to look out for myself."
Red sighed. "Nicky," she said, closing her eyes in frustration, "I know that. A thousand times over I know that. But I'm here now, and I promise I'm not going anywhere. Not even now. Not ever. Ask my boys," she said with a chuckle, "I always know what's going on with them."
Nicky snickered. "I don't doubt it." She hesitated. "A year left," she said out loud, testing how it felt to say. "What happens after, though?"
"After what?" Red said cautiously. "When you're released?"
"Yeah," she said. "Or before that. Where...where would it go?"
Red paused. "I'm not sure," she answered truthfully. "Perhaps...perhaps Marka?"
Nicky's sharp intake of breath said everything Red needed to know about her feelings and she winced. "I know, malyshka, but-"
"There aren't any buts, Red!" Nicky said angrily. "How could I do that? I'd be going against everything I've ever said about her." She almost shook as she gripped the phone. "What about you?" She demanded. "Why not you?"
"Nicky," Red said gently. "They're not going to let me have the baby. I'm an ex-con! But it's only a month or two, babies don't start to remember until-"
"I'll remember, Red," she said quietly. "And how am I supposed to know what's going on? Marka won't visit. She barely phones, and when she does it's to tell me that I'm doing something wrong. What if she won't?" Her hand flew to her stomach, still flat, but with the makings of something wonderful stirring inside, and feels sick at the thought of never knowing. She didn't even want the damn thing, but no matter how hard she tried to ignore it, strong feelings of protection fought their way to the surface. "What happens when I get out? I can't, I don't know how to look after things. I don't know the first thing," she rambled. "I'll be just like Marka."
"Nicky," Red said seriously, her voice sharp. "Listen to me. You are not Marka. You're not. Do you understand me?"
"Yes," Nicky uttered hoarsely.
"And Marka?" Red laughed despite the dire situation. "That bitch is no match for me, sweetheart. I'll make sure everything works out okay for you." Nicky managed a smile. "Nothing will stop me from ever making sure you're okay. You'll know soon enough." Red paused. "Don't worry. Whatever happens, I will make sure that everything is okay."
Nicky nodded. "I know. Listen, Red - I'll call you tomorrow. I've gotta go to bed now, but, uh...just know. I believe you. And thanks, Ma."
Red smiled. "Of course you believe me. Now get some rest and don't over do it. Don't worry about a thing. I'm going to sort it out, malyshka. Just you wait and see."
A/N:
Hey guys! I hope you enjoy this chapter...please leave me a review telling me your thoughts. :)
xo
