Nicky held her breath, the gel on her stomach startlingly real. A part of her felt like this was still a nightmare, something she would wake up from in a cold sweat, finding out that everything was okay.
"One moment." The doctor said, his voice mostly monotone but colored with undercurrents of the tiniest hint of intrigue as he prepared the ultrasound probe.
Nicky remained silent, the only noise being the hitch of her already uneven breathing and the hum of the machines in the room. It was silence, but the worst kind - a trepidation filled limbo where she held onto anything that could proffer a smidgen of hope. Nothing like the silence she had imagined enjoying blissfully when she left the hell hole named Litchfield. And then a tiny thudding heartbeat filled the room. A flood of emotions rushed through Nicky. Relief, though she wasn't sure she should be. Terror - because, well...now what?
She swallowed hard. It was hard to concentrate on the doctor's sighs and horror stricken face as she concentrated on the tiny thuds of its heartbeat. Of her baby's heartbeat. Nicky blinked back tears. The only thing that could make her feel better was Red's presence, and she knew that wasn't going to happen.
"Thank God." Nicky murmured, surprising even herself with the genuine rush of solace she found in the tiny beating of the tiny heart. If she hadn't known before, at least deep down, she knew now. She cared about the tiny life growing inside of her, and as much as she felt sick at the thought of being a mother she knew that she would do anything to protect it, even despite not knowing them yet. Despite not even wanting to think about the stupid decisions she'd made. Now that it existed, she would do anything in her power to keep it safe.
"You're around twelve weeks pregnant." The doctor said, an eyebrow raised. "You a Christian, Nichols?"
Nicky looked up and scoffed. "No. Why, you see me in the chapel lately?"
The doctor gave a small snort of laughter. "Nope. But you've been here a lot longer than twelve weeks, inmate. Wondered if you were going to claim an immaculate conception."
Nicky laughed this time, despite the shitty circumstances. It was like a weight had been lifted from her, and although she knew a shit storm was about to go down with management, she was safe on this bed. "You think Caputo would buy that?"
"If it got him out of a law suit." The doctor took his gloves off, and wrote something indistinguishable on Nicky's chart. "But I don't think so."
"You're right." Nicky sighed. "Besides, God's probably too busy building a rapture bus for the Appalachian meth heads to focus on the next savior of the Earth." She nibbled on her thumbnail, worry seeping its way in, and glanced up at the doctor's confused face. "Don't ask."
"Right." The doctor shot back. "The bleed was most likely caused by a minor infection. We can give you antibiotics to try and keep it under control, but everything looked fine with the scan, and the bleeding seems to have stopped."
"Okay," Nicky said numbly. The reality was finally hitting her, and she was responsible for something other than herself. It was a terrifying thought, but one she could take on.
"You can rest here until Mr Caputo finishes his meeting. He wants to speak with you," the doctor continued. He tapped his pen on the clipboard. "Good luck with that one, Nichols."
Nicky nodded again, swallowing hard. "I'm gonna need more than luck," she said miserably.
"Divine intervention, maybe?" The doctor said with a half smile. Despite being an inmate and having made a bad choice, he felt for her. It couldn't be easy.
Nicky laughed humorlessly. "Sounds about right."
"Twelve weeks pregnant, sir." The doctor reported, barely glancing at the notes on Nicky's chart. It was becoming an epidemic, it seemed, with inmate Diaz's child seemingly only entered the world a few months previously. Caputo groaned and waved a dismissive hand to the doctor.
"Thanks, but I can take it from here." He said tersely. The door closed behind the doctor and Caputo focused his attention on Nicky. "What the fuck, Nichols? Explain - now."
Nicky glared, a hard stare peeking out from fringed eyelashes. "I'm not talking about this." Her response came out as a defiant statement and Caputo leaned back on his chair, his eyebrows raised.
"I don't think you have a choice in the matter." Caputo said. He hesitated for a moment before narrowing his eyes. "Luschek?" He asked.
"For fuck's sake." Nicky rolled her eyes. "Why does everyone think Luschek? He's an asshole, and has breath like dead things."
Caputo nodded, conceding. "You noticed too?" He shuddered, and shook his head. "Then who, Nichols? I'm going to hazard a guess that you didn't just slip and fall. And I'm also going to guess you didn't choose the fucker based on looks, because I don't think any of them are your type."
"I slipped up." Nicky said quietly, running her fingers through her hair.
"Was it consensual?" Caputo tried to confirm. "Not that it can be, in here, but you know what I mean."
"I'm not talking about it!" Nicky repeated, shaking her head so emphatically that her curls bounced around her shoulders. "I'll talk..." she looked wildly around the room, and her eyes landed on the phone on the edge of his desk. "I'll talk if you let me call Red. For longer than two minutes," she added quickly.
"You don't have any negotiating power here, Nichols!" Caputo reminded her. "But if you talk, then I'll let you call Reznikov." His eyes fluttered to a plant on his desk. "I need to ask her a question about my cactus anyway. It just doesn't seem to be thriving..." he shook his head, realizing she had managed to make him go off on a tangent. "So go on. Spill."
Nicky bit her lip. "Am I going to get sent to max for this?" She asked suspiciously, elbows leaning on his desk. "Cause I can't go back there again, fuck that. And I can't have extra time. Please, I need to know."
Caputo held his hands up with a sigh. "I'm a reasonable man, right, Nichols? I don't want you to go down the hill anymore than you want to go. I'm trying my fucking best here, to make this a better prison. Help me out. I can't have rapist guards. And even if you say it wasn't rape, you cannot consent in here." He shook his head. "Not that I understand why you would." He gave her a pointed look.
Nicky nodded. "He came up to me. I swear," she added quickly, looking him straight in the eye. "Anderson. Said he had heard about me from max. I made some deals down there...favors, shall we say, uh, for a chemical pick me up."
"Fucking hell." Caputo exhaled forcefully. "You've gotta be kidding me. You go down the hill for drugs, and you can get them easier down there than up here?" He shook his head angrily. "The whole fucking system is corrupt. Anderson?" He scribbled the name down on a scrap of paper. "And what? You were bored? Couldn't find a desperate inmate?"
Nicky narrowed her eyes. "Are you being deliberately obtuse, or does it come naturally?" Nicky snapped. Then she closed her eyes for a moment and calmed herself down; she needed that promised phone call more than anything right now. "He offered me heroin."
Caputo ignored her insults. His jaw worked hard in an attempt to find the right words, but they escaped him every time he opened his mouth. He put down his pen and stared hard at Nicky. "Let me get this straight." He said through gritted teeth, for he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "A CO offered you heroin to sleep with him. CO Anderson." Nicky held her own and nodded. "Shit. I've been trying to get rid of that motherfucker for weeks. You get rid of one and ten more psychos take their places!"
The genuine concern in Caputo's voice made Nicky feel even worse than she already did after the morning's events. He shuffled papers on his desk and sighed. "I need to know, Nichols. Do you wish to continue the pregnancy, or terminate it?"
Nicky stared up at him. She hadn't expected to face this decision for weeks, and whilst she knew she wanted to protect her child at all costs, would protecting it include protecting it from herself? Nicky shook her head miserably, questions swirling in her mind. She couldn't be a fit mother, she thought, twisting the fabric of her shirt under the desk.
"I wanna make the phone call now." Nicky said quietly. "Please."
Caputo nodded. He wasn't inhuman and he wasn't going to make her suffer for a mistake, even if it was a monumental fuck up on everyone's part. He passed her the phone, and sat back in his desk. "I can't leave." He rubbed his eyes and took off his glasses. "You know the number?"
"Yeah." Nicky confirmed, punching it in. "Thank you, Mr Caputo."
Red had always prided herself on being able to take control of situations, of problems she faced in her life. People thought she had lost that ability, that privilege, when she was incarcerated. But they would be wrong. She'd seized that chef's hat and apron and she'd made a life for herself inside. She was respected and she was revered. She was even feared. It made her feel powerful.
Now, as she sat on a chair in Marka Nichols' apartment, she felt useless. She had no power in the outside world. She didn't even have a place to call her own, as much as she tried to remedy that. As she stewed, thinking about all the possible things that could go wrong, she was glad Marka wasn't at home. She couldn't imagine having to make small talk with the woman who was her daughter's biological mother, whilst worrying about everything that had happened to Nicky that morning. What a fucked up scenario.
She wished she could have stayed with her. Nicky's face had taken on the expression of a wild animal. A terrified, hunted animal. And all that blood...Red shook her head. She couldn't bear it any longer. And then her phone began to ring.
"Hello?" She picked up instantly, her hands scrabbling to the phone like it was a life line. Like it had been so many times before. "Who's calling?"
"Ma?" The tiny voice rang out, unsure of herself and timid. Totally unlike her daughter, her bright and vibrant, loud daughter. "It's Nicky." Like she needed to be told. "I'm in Caputo's office. He let me ring you. I just wanted to let you know..."
"Caputo? Put him on, Nicky, please," Red demanded. She needed to speak with him; she needed to make sure that Nicky wouldn't be punished for this. She only had a year left on her sentence. A year and they'd be together, and Nicky could make her life hers again. She wouldn't let it be whipped away because of drugs. Not again.
"Ma, listen," Nicky said wearily. "I heard it today."
"Heard it?" Red repeated, confused. "What did you hear?"
"I heard its heartbeat." Nicky said, a small smile finally appearing on her lips. "It was tiny and it thudded but it was there and I heard it."
"You did?" Red said incredulously. "You mean the baby's okay?"
"I think so." Nicky smiled. "The doctor said maybe an infection. I have antibiotics. But everything seems okay...Ma?"
"Yes, Nicky?"
"I have to make a decision now."
"Yes," Red sighed heavily. It had been weighing on her mind before this morning's scare. What Nicky would do once everyone found out. If she'd be okay. If she'd be hauled down to max and a longer sentence. If the baby would be okay, and if it was...then what? "You do."
"I think I need to do this." Nicky said. "I think, I think I want to do this. I saw its heart beating. I can't not. But what about me? I won't make a good mother. I can barely look after myself. Wouldn't it be protecting it if I just destroyed it before it began?" The thought made her feel sick and her fist clenched against her stomach. "I don't know if I can do either. If I can get rid of it. Or if I can look after it."
"I understand," Red said, remembering her own first pregnancy. It was in better circumstances to say the least, and she still had every one of Nicky's fears about being inadequate as a mother. "But I think you know what you want by now. I saw your face this morning. Don't do something regrettable out of fear."
"Do you think I can do it?" Nicky asked , desperately seeking approval. Validation that would only hold any weight coming from one person.
"What's the hardest thing you've ever had to do?" Red asked, already knowing the answer.
"Getting clean." Nicky said predictably. "Though I think I've failed at that recently. Why?"
"Because having this baby will be ten times harder than that. A hundred times, maybe. But I believe in you, Nicky. And you haven't failed in getting clean. You made a mistake and fucked up. You'll do that plenty in motherhood too. But...I think you can do it. And I think you'll give your child everything you should have had and more."
"If I do this, nothing will be the same again, will it?" Nicky asked.
Red laughed and shook her head despite being alone. "No, malyshka. But if you do this, you'll wonder how you ever lived without them."
"Do you feel that way about your boys?" Nicky asked softly.
"And my girl." Red said, a hint of sadness coloring her voice. "But neither of us will have to wonder that for long. Because we're all going to be together again soon. You just have to last a year more. Just a year."
"Just a year," Nicky echoed. "Just a year."
Hey dolls. I hope you're all well and that you enjoyed the chapter.
Please leave a review telling me what you thought and what you want to see.
Stay safe and have a lovely week.
- Star xo
