Month four
"It's an avocado now," Red said, squinting at her phone as she stood in Marka's kitchen. "My little avocado!"
Nicky rolled her eyes as she played with the phone cord. This month it was an avocado. Last month it was a lime. "Ma, will you stop comparing it to food? I know that's your thing, but I'm fucking starving."
"You're starving?" Red asked, her train of thought completely derailed from the pregnancy app she had made Vasily install. She pushed her glasses to rest on her head and leaned on the counter, all thoughts of Marka's lunch abandoned. "Why haven't you been eating?"
"I have," Nicky complained. She rolled her eyes and continued, "But it's like I've got a parasite or some shit. I'm always hungry." She sighed, rocked on her heels and groaned. "I'm getting so fat," she complained, pinching the skin on her stomach.
Red rolled her eyes but felt her heart breaking a little for Nicky. Pregnancy took up so much of your energy, and it was hard enough to do on the outside, let alone struggling through with no husband or mother whilst incarcerated. "You're not getting fat. I saw you last week, and you're still too skinny. Listen, malyshka. Buy some things from commissary and don't worry about getting fat. You do have a parasite, of sorts…" Red raised her eyebrows as she recalled the morning she had experienced whilst helping Vasily look for his car keys as he got later and later for work. "God knows they'll be leeching off of you for years to come."
"Thank you, Red, for the rosy life view." Nicky laughed dryly, leaning against the wall. She sighed. "So...an avocado is getting pretty big, right?" Nicky's eyes shined. As much as she tried to push it down, she felt something that resembled excitement...some sort of trepidation deep inside her. Something enormous was going to happen, and she could feel every effect of it as she stood in Litchfield penitentiary. It was also a scary thought. What would it be next month? And the month after that? It made her feel squeamish when she thought of how big it would grow to be - and, of course, how difficult it would be to push something the size of a watermelon out of her body.
"It is." Red said proudly. She glanced at her phone again, resting her glasses on her nose. "It has fingerprints already, and its heart is already beating twice as fast as yours."
Nicky let a small smile creep onto her features. Her own heart often felt like it was going to pound through her chest and it was almost a comfort knowing that it was nothing compared to how the baby's heart was racing in there. Not that she often thought of her tiny parasite as a baby. She thought of it fondly, despite the moniker, but it still brought her considerable anxiety to think about as a real yet tiny still forming human being. "Fingerprints?" Nicky echoed. Her hands rested conspicuously on her stomach, despite the fact that she still hadn't told anyone, and she laughed softly. "Fingerprints cause nothing but trouble..." she looked around.
"Only for people making their own trouble." Red laughed back. "Speaking of trouble...have you told anyone yet?"
Nicky hesitated. Red had made it clear that she thought that Nicky needed someone on her side on the inside, especially at a time like this, but Nicky felt unable to tell anyone, not even Lorna. She had tried numerous times, yet every time she opened her mouth to say it, the words remained stuck in her suddenly dry throat and she said something completely unrelated...something completely irrelevant. "No." Nicky admitted reluctantly.
"I think you should." Red said, and Nicky could see her raised eyebrow. "Tell Lorna. She won't tell anyone. And you need support, Nicky. I cannot stress that enough."
"I really don't want to," Nicky said in a whisper. Her voice was hoarse and she'd clearly spent a lot of time mulling the decision over. "I can't." Telling Lorna would make it feel more real, and it would also change their relationship. It had been the one steady thing since Red had left - Lorna needing her. She always could rely on the fact that Lorna would need her, that never seemed to change.
"I thought you might say that." Red said with a sigh as she drummed her fingers on the counter top.
Nicky paused suspiciously. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing," Red insisted innocently. "Just look after yourself, sweetheart. I'll come and see you soon, okay? I've got to go - Marka's coming and she'll want her lunch."
Nicky nodded miserably. "Of course she will."
Red exhaled heavily. "You'll be out before you know it," she said comfortingly, her voice barely above a whisper. "And then I'll make you anything you want. No matter how unreasonable...even if it's at three AM."
"I'll hold you to that." Nicky threatened, a laugh escaping from her lips. It felt unnatural to be laughing, but also like a huge weight was being lifted from her shoulders. A nice feeling, but an unfamiliar one.
"I expect nothing else."
"Ramos, deal with this!" Gloria yelled over the noise of preparing dinner in the kitchen and pulled her chef's hat from her head. Sometimes she felt like tearing her hair out after a day working in the kitchen; she didn't know how Red had handled it for all of those years. Slipping out of the steamy kitchen, Gloria quietly headed for the phones. She held a letter in her hands and scanned over it once more whilst punching in the number at the bottom of it.
After the rhetoric about accepting a call from an inmate in prison, a voice answered immediately, and it sounded expectant and bored at the same time. "I wondered when you were going to call."
"You did?" Gloria scoffed, holding the letter up. "I only got your letter this morning. I'm spending my phone call on you, so it better be good."
"Mendoza, when have I ever let you down?" Red laughed softly. It was a strange, almost comforting thing, bantering with Gloria once again. She was in familiar territory when she had been
Gloria raised an eyebrow. "So let me hear it. I'm guessing it's about your girl. I saw that shit go down at visiting. But I know better than to ask, not in here. She seems okay now. A bit out of it, but not drugs. They've really cracked down on that," Gloria revealed, pursing her lips and nodding in approval. "So spill, Red. What's up?"
"I need to have your word, Mendoza, before I tell you - do I have your word?" Red's words came out rushed and nothing like the usual, well thought out eloquence she usually spoke with. Gloria could tell this was serious, and she sobered immediately, standing straighter and glancing around to see if anyone was watching.
"Dios mio," she breathed, growing impatient. "You have my word, Reznikov. But you gotta hurry, it's the dinner shift and I left Ramos in charge."
"Didn't she almost lose a finger last time you left her in charge?" Red asked, voice dripping with contempt. Gloria rolled her eyes.
"Who needs ten fingers?" Gloria asked weakly. "Besides, it makes no difference to me," she sighed, "She's pretty bad at most things in the kitchens. All those bitches do is talk all day."
"What else is there to do?" Red shrugged. Then she sighed. "Actually, there are a lot of other things that your girls could be doing...you should be glad they're not. Anyway...back to my girl…"
"She fucking told you!" Nicky fumed as she paced around in the kitchen, empty apart from Gloria who stared at her from the box of crates she was sitting on. "She had no right!"
"She had no right?" Gloria raised her eyebrow. "She's worried about you. Moms tend to do that - I know, it's boring and annoying as hell but that's what they're there for. You know that, right? When you have yours-"
"Don't fucking say that!" Nicky snapped, her voice growing hysterical. She held her head in her hands for a moment before taking a deep breath. "Sorry, sorry. I know I sound like Lorna. For fuck's sake, I sound like the girl your people call Lorna La Loca."
"Not all of us." Gloria lied, coming to a stand. "You want a snack?"
Nicky rolled her eyes. "Red told you to feed me too, huh? What else? Keep me off of drugs? Tell me to behave?" Nicky didn't sound angry anymore, just withdrawn. She sat on a crate next to Gloria and pulled her knees to her chest. She looked up at Gloria.
"So is that a yes?" Gloria said simply, pulling down a bin of ingredients. Nicky nodded, temper no longer flaring, and bit her lip. "It's alright, you know," Gloria said comfortingly. "The first is always scary, no matter where you are. You always feel like you've made a massive fuck up, even if the little one was wanted."
"There are better places than prison to have a baby." Nicky retorted as she rolled her eyes. She rested her chin on her knees. "I don't know what to do, Gloria." She whispered into the dimly lit kitchen. "I need Red."
"She's not here." Gloria stated with a shrug as she pulled out a strawberry yogurt and slid it to Nicky. "You're gonna have to deal with this whether you like it or not, Nichols. You've got your girl Morello, you've got Red when you get out. You've got a hell of a lot more than half of these women, and they've already got three or more on the outside. At least yours won't know you're gone."
"I'll know." Nicky said quietly, thinking it through. She exhaled heavily. "Marka has to take it. I haven't even asked her yet." Nicky barked a humorless laugh. "I haven't even told her yet."
"You've got time." Gloria said, and they exchanged a glance about how ironic that statement really was. "She's your mother. She'll freak out for a bit and then she'll take it. Right?"
Nicky nibbled on her thumbnail and looked up at Gloria grimly. "I know my mom would take the baby." Nicky said, shooting Gloria a worried look. "I'm just not sure Marka will."
"Lorna?" Nicky whispered into the darkness. Her hands played with the raven hair that tickled her neck and it felt so nice to feel someone else's skin against hers. Prison could be a cold and lonely place and feeling the warmth of someone else could be a comfort when nothing else was. Wrapped up together in the dark dormitories felt like they were in their own little bubble and it made Nicky feel less alone.
"Yeah?" Lorna whispered in reply, her own mind occupied with weddings and husbands and what was for breakfast in the morning.
"I have something to tell you." Nicky said, the words barely forming. She felt sick, and she knew it wasn't the morning sickness that had mostly passed in the last month or so.
"You do?" Lorna whispered back. She snuggled into Nicky and sighed contentedly. "You're so warm. It's so cold in here."
Nicky snickered as Lorna ran her feet over her legs in an attempt to warm them. "Keep your toes away from me, they're like icicles." She sighed and looked up at Lorna seriously. "Do you promise to not freak out?"
Lorna frowned. "I don't freak out," she said defensively. "Do I?" She fretted. "I try to listen, because my mother always used to say that silence could be the loudest thing-"
"But she never shut the fuck up." Nicky finished with a smile, shaking her head. "I know."
"Oh, I've said that before?"
"Just a couple of times," Nicky admitted. It was always telling, the way girls spoke of their mothers. Would Nicky experience that as a mother one day? Would her child tell others horror stories from their upbringing? She hoped not, of course, but she could promise nothing. Another worry to add to the list, she thought, staring up at the dormitory ceiling as she tried to recoup her composure and find the right words.
"What were you going to tell me, sweetie?" Lorna steered the conversation back on track and stared Nicky in the eye. It wasn't often the blonde was serious, and she wanted to know what the matter was before she changed the subject with a joke or a witty comeback that would mean whatever it was would never be heard.
Nicky snaked her arm around to hold Lorna's hand. She placed it on her stomach and spread her fingers out so her palm rested against the gentle curve of her tiny bump. Lorna said nothing for a few moments. Nicky didn't even know if she could feel anything amiss, anything different from her usually flat stomach.
Lorna ran her hands over Nicky's hips and felt nothing strange. "What is it?"
Nicky closed her eyes. "A mistake that I'm trying to get my head around."
"A mistake?" Lorna echoed. Her hands ran over Nicky's abdomen and her eyes widened as she finally felt the tiny gentle curve. "Wait, you don't mean...?"
Nicky wrapped her hands around Lorna's and nodded. "Four months." She whispered. "Please don't tell anyone else."
Lorna stared at Nicky, her eyes shining with tears in the darkness. How had she not noticed? She scrabbled for the right words. Once again, she had failed Nicky. "What happened?" Lorna asked, her face a picture of confusion. Nicky shook her head. "Did something...did you want to?" Lorna asked tearfully.
Nicky took a deep breath. "Let me start from the beginning..."
Hey lovelies! It's been awhile, I know, but here's the next chapter and I hope you liked it. Please leave a review telling me what you thought and what you'd like to see.
Happy Sunday!
- Star xo
