Month five

Nicky sat with Luschek, rolling an unlit cigarette between her fingers. She sighed wistfully as she stared at one of her tamer former vices, wishing she could light it up and feel the smoke filling her lungs.

Luschek watched her, a throaty tobacco filled laugh spilling from his lips. Despite the laugh, he regarded her with a smile as he spoke. "You're a fucking idiot."

"Takes one to know one," Nicky quipped. "Are you referring to the fact that I'm in prison, knocked up, or a drug addict?" The list rolled easily off of her tongue and it almost made her cringe. Almost. She was having too much fun doing absolutely nothing productive with Luschek to care about the long list of things wrong with her.

"Is all of the above an option?" Luschek raised an eyebrow, his eyes twinkling with bemusement at her lackadaisical tone and the way she just came out with what she had to say. He'd always admired that about her, even when it got her into trouble; hell, even when it got him into trouble and he was cursing her name, he still admired her brass neck.

"Eh, it probably should be," Nicky conceded, turning the cigarette in her fingers. She heaved a sigh and placed the cigarette down on the table. Her left hand ghosted her stomach, the rounding curve of her abdomen feeling more and more familiar each month. She was more than half way through her pregnancy now, and it felt strange that in less time that had passed with her baby inside her, she would be meeting her child. It was a strange, sobering thought.

"Hey!" Luschek's booming voice cut through the air. His annoyance was aimed at Janae, who rocked back on her chair as she handed out tools. "For fuck's sake, don't let the newts play with the wires. I don't need another disciplinary." Janae said nothing and instead relied on an obscene hand gesture once he had turned to convey her feelings. Nicky smiled faintly.

Luschek turned his attention back to Nicky, shaking his head. "You know how many people have asked me if it's mine?" Luschek asked with a sideways glance to Nicky.

Nicky wrinkled her nose and pushed her hair back. "Ew, really?"

Luschek frowned at her before cracking a smile. "I said the same thing to them, Nichols." He laughed easily and then shifted in his seat. He scratched the back of his neck and Nicky knew that an awkward question was on the horizon. She avoided his gaze and stared into the distance whilst he worked up the nerve.

"I didn't do it because I liked him, you know." Nicky said quietly, before he got the chance to say anything. Her voice was distant and she ran her fingers over her lips thoughtfully. She didn't like how weak she sounded. She didn't like that Luschek was in a position of power over her and she was basically giving him permission to laugh in her face. To mock her about this whole shitty situation. But she still looked up at him hopefully, wishing that he could understand and not knowing why she wanted him to. "I don't know if Caputo gave you the run down. He probably did," Nicky shrugged.

"He didn't." Luschek said with a tight, reluctant smile that gave away the fact that he was lying through his teeth. Nicky nodded softly, jutting her chin out defiantly. "So why'd you do it? And with Anderson, he's an ass - you know he doesn't actually take drugs, right?"

Nicky raises an eyebrow. "Is that why he's an ass? Because he doesn't take drugs?" She laughs, her eyes wide and curious to see what his idea of logic was. They shone with amusement for the first time in a long time. "Does that make me Mother Theresa? What about you? You'd be..." she stopped. "I don't know, whoever the male version of her is." She rolled her eyes. But she knew what he meant; he had purchased and was carrying the drugs for one reason - presumably, to sleep with her. Nicky didn't know whether she was just a random pick or if he had purchased the drugs with her in mind, but the thought made her shudder nonetheless.

Her hand, that hadn't moved from her stomach, curled into a fist. She would make sure he would have nothing to do with her baby. She bit back a laugh. She didn't even know if she wanted anything to do with her baby, but she knew that she had some primal instinct to protect it, no matter what. She wondered briefly if Marka had felt the same. If she had felt scared or alone whilst she grew inside of her. It was a thought she shook off.

She faced Luschek. Despite his fuck ups and general couldn't care less attitude, he was someone you could turn to in this place. He wouldn't rat you out and he wouldn't hold it against you. Sure, he had breath like dead things and perpetually high on something, but he wouldn't bribe you for drugs and he wouldn't screw you over...unless he felt he had no other choice. Nicky cocked an eyebrow as she thought of the time he'd turned her in. But in all fairness, he had redeemed himself, mostly, and she needed someone.

Someone who wasn't Morello, who was driving her crazy as well as being bat-shit crazy herself. Someone who wasn't Mendoza, who was being a spy for Red and not doing a great job hiding it.

Nicky looked up to the sky, which looked cloudy and overcast. She closed her eyes. Only seven months left till I get out, she breathed inside her head. Seven months isn't so bad.


Red reached over for Nicky's hands despite the CO glaring down at her. "You're quiet today. What's wrong, hmm?"

Nicky glanced up and met Red's eye. "Nothing's up," she snapped. She pressed her lips together and sighed. Red's gaze didn't turn into one of anger, she just looked blank. A canvas onto which Nicky could pour her emotions. She bit her lip and hesitated for a second before rubbing the heel of her hand on her forehead. "When you were having your boys, did you feel like you wanted to protect them? I know you can't, not really, because they're not even a person yet, but - she's safe in there, I know that...what about on the outside?"

Red let a smile color her features. She ignored Nicky's question in order to ask a question of her own. "Her?"

Nicky shook her head. "I don't know. I just had a feeling…" she shrugged, a worried expression clouding her own features.

Red's thumb stroked the back of Nicky's hand. "I know you're scared. And yes, of course I felt protective of my boys when I was expecting them. I still do - of all of you," she insisted. "I had that feeling with Vasily," she smiled. "I was wrong," she said bluntly. "But I think that was mostly wishful thinking. I have my girl now, though, don't I?"

Red stared at Nicky's beaming face. It never too much for Nicky to smile, for her to give that grin or laugh that had the power to light up a room. It was clear compliments and affection as a child were kept to a minimum for Nicky, and Red, when she could, felt the need to make up for that.

"Not really. I'm in prison and you're not." Nicky's bluntness mirrored Red's previously, and it was easy to see why they were drawn to each other as they held hands across the table.

Red rolled her eyes. "Little girl, big mouth." She brushed a stray hair from Nicky's eyes away and gave a little sigh.

"Do…" Nicky stopped herself from talking and cast her eyes down to their entwined hands. "Do you think Marka felt that way about me? Before I was born, I mean? I know she must have lost it somewhere along the way….but do you think she ever had it?" It was bewildering for Nicky now she had these feelings. Would they fade? Was this simply hormonal? She had never, ever felt a maternal urge in her life. She had never seen a baby and wished it was hers. Nor, as a little girl, did she imagine herself holding babies in her future.

Red's brow furrowed sadly. Truthfully, she didn't know, and doubted she ever would. She thought working with Marka would make her hate the woman more. She thought it would answer all of her questions about Nicky's upbringing. She thought she'd stick it out for Nicky, and for the baby, but that she would hate every moment. And that simply hadn't happened. Marka was an enigma; a series of unanswered questions. She hadn't really mentioned Nicky, but she hadn't mentioned much personal business of hers, either.

"I don't know, honey," she said softly, truthfully. She swallowed hard and sighed thoughtfully. "I think, in her own way, yes."

"In her own way?" Nicky's voice was small and fragile. She barked a laugh. A self preservation mechanism. Treat things as if they don't matter, and people will think, at least to you, they don't. "Does that mean no?"

"No. But does it matter?" Red grasped at the remote possibility that she could get Nicky to say "no" but that hope was quickly dashed when Nicky's face fell into a glare.

"Actually, yeah, it does." Nicky glowered. She rested her chin on her elbows and sighed. "I doubt you'd ask that question if your mother didn't love you, and had dedicated her life trying to tell you that in creative ways." Whilst she felt Nicky was being a little dramatic, Red felt for her, she really did...maybe that's why she felt the need to lie.

"If your mother didn't love you," Red said finally, the word mother sticking in her throat slightly. "Then why would she display a photo of you, hmm? Tell me that." Red said triumphantly. She gave a weak smile that she hoped was convincing, and thought of the frames she had bought and put away specifically for a photo of Nicky to go along with the portraits of her boys once she got her own place. She sighed wistfully. If only that day could come sooner, she thought.

The frown instantly fell from Nicky's face, being replaced with a look of wonder. Despite everything Nicky had ever said about Marka, it was clear to Red that her word and opinion still had an effect on Nicky. It hurt, yes, but she needed to reassure her more than she needed her ego boosted. He eyes shone in amazement. "Really?" Nicky gripped Red's hands. "Red, you're my mom. For everything. I need to know...you'll look after her, right? When she's here, I mean. When I can't look after her anymore." Her hand slipped from Red's and fell to her stomach, where she gently cradled the small bump. She felt fiercely protective and it hurt that she had to relinquish her at the end of nine months, even if she wasn't totally sure of her feelings towards the thing.

Red's face softened. "Of course I will. There's nothing I wouldn't do for the both of you, you know that."

"Yeah..." Nicky trailed off. "But will you make a home for her? I know I'll be home before she knows it. But I'll know. Will you tuck her in? I never had that." Nicky frowned and pushed her hair back. "It sounds moronic. But kids need things like that, you know?" Her brow furrowed. "They need a mom."

"And she'll have one." Red squeezed Nicky's hand. "One of the best!"

Nicky smiled. "You think so?"

"Of course, honey," she said, with a twinkle in her eye. "After all, you learned from one of the best, right?"

Nicky laughed and it was the first genuine smile Red had seen for the whole visit. "I sure did."

Hey lovelies!
I hope you're all doing well and that you enjoyed the chapter. I know it's very heavy Nicky/Luschek but anyone who knows me knows I can't help myself with those two! Please leave a review telling me what you thought and you what'd like to see next time.
Till next time!

- Star xo