I'm not looking for love.
He tells himself when he accepts to dance with Carlos.
He likes the flirting, it is a good distraction from the numbness he feels constantly.
He likes the sex even more, because it makes him feel something. It makes him feel alive again, his skin igniting with every touch.
I'm not looking for love.
He does not tell Carlos that when he is presented with a midnight dinner after their shifts, not in so many words. He thinks he makes it clear anyway, even if it makes him feel like an asshole.
I'm not looking for love.
He hopes it's evident in the cracks he shows after he is arrested over the bar fight he started. The darkness that comes pouring out of him will surely scare Carlos away. It will make him understand that TK is really not worth his efforts. TK has had to reevaluate his worth in the past few months and he knows he is not worth it. Carlos will understand it soon enough.
I'm not looking for love.
He keeps telling himself as he maintains a tentative friendship with Carlos. For a while they don't even have sex. They just text and talk on the phone.
I'm not looking for love.
Sometimes he has to remind himself.
Sometimes the way Carlos smiles at him makes him forget anyway.
"I want there to be an us. I want to be with you, if you still want me," he whispers in Carlos' ear as they hug in front of the fire station. They're a good team, on and off the job. They click seamlessly in everything they do together. It scares TK, because this has never happened to him with anyone else and what if it is too good to be true? But he knows deep in his bones that he cannot pass this chance. He cannot let Carlos go without trying.
I wasn't looking for love.
He thinks desperately when Carlos says I love you for the first time. TK's heart speeds up, his breath itches. He does not know how Carlos managed to make him feel like this, like he wants to jump again, trust again. He feels whole for the first time in a very long time. He looks into Carlos' eyes and realizes he has definitely worn that look himself in the past but he has never seen it directed back at him.
"I love you too," he says breathlessly, taking a chance. He jumps and Carlos is there to catch him with his soft smile and tender, almost reverent, kiss.
I wasn't looking for love, but you found me.
