24 hours.
That's all she was going to get with her precious newborn. According to the US correctional system, that's all she needed to recover from her birth. That might be so, but as Nicky stared at the new life she'd brought into the world, she thought it would take a lifetime to get over the separation that came at the end.
Time with her baby had passed in the blink of an eye.
Now, at the twentieth hour, Nicky fought sleep. Her eyelids felt like they were being pulled down by weights. Every time they dared to shut, they immediately flickered back open again, fixated on the baby softly breathing in the little plastic bassinet next to her bed. Nicky reached her hand out to touch the baby's little starfish hands stretching in her sleep.
5110 hours.
That's how many hours she was going to be away from her baby on the inside. She'd counted it in the hours of sleeplessness she'd suffered in the later months of her pregnancy. Nicky choked back tears. Why hadn't she appreciated every kick to her ribs? Why hadn't she counted the hiccups? Why hadn't she taken Red's advice and spoken to her little girl, instead of feeling stupid and only whispering in the dead of night?
Nicky brushed tears away. The room was dark but the light of the moon shone in through the small window on one wall. It reminded Nicky of when she was a child; the moon felt like her only friend and ally when she was little and couldn't sleep. Marka was always unavailable and even her nanny eventually tired of reading bedtime story after bedtime story. She often spent hours staring out of her window, feeling warm and cosy in bed but utterly alone.
The baby cried at the sudden touch. "I'm sorry," Nicky said. Tears stung at the back of her eyes and she blinked them back. She trailed her fingers over the baby's forehead. She hadn't learned that little comforting touch from Marka, of course. Red had done it countless times when detoxing got too painful to bear. Nicky hoped her baby would never feel such pain. With Marka as her guardian, Nicky didn't feel much hope. She swallowed hard as the baby continued to scream. She screwed her eyes shut, feeling hopeless that she couldn't even comfort her own baby.
Light footsteps crossed the room. "It's okay, sweetie," a nurse whispered. Nicky watched as the nurse placed a gentle hand on the screaming infant. But it wasn't the baby she was comforting. Her eye met Nicky's. "First time mom, huh?"
"You can tell?" Nicky asked. She sighed, crestfallen, and tickled her daughter's tiny toes. "I've never even held a baby before," Nicky admitted.
"Not because you're doing a bad job," the nurse reassured her tactfully. "You just touch her like she's made of glass. She won't break. I promise!"
"She's so tiny."
"I know," the nurse chuckled. "But you'll get used to it. They don't stay tiny for long."
Nicky rested her hand on the bassinet, regret weighing heavily on her mind. But never for the life she'd brought into the world. Never for her baby girl. "So I've heard," she whispered.
"It's time." Bell said quietly. "The van's outside and waiting, Nichols."
The nurse from earlier that night stepped into the room. A smile was plastered on her face, but her eyes were filled with tears. A baby should go home with its mother. "Is Baby Nichols ready to go in the nursery?"
"Yes," Bell answered. The nurse looked back to Bell, and then to Nicky. Wordlessly, she took the baby from Nicky's arms.
"We'll take care of her," she said. "She's safe here. And from what I've heard, Grandma is on the way."
Nicky fought back tears. The nurse's statement did nothing to calm her fears. "She should be with me! I'm all she knows. She's heard my voice and my heartbeat for nine months. And now she's going to be hearing machines beeping and other babies crying and she's going to wonder where I am." Her voice grew hysterical.
"Please don't worry," the nurse said, fretting. "Look, she's fine."
"Please don't take her yet," she pleaded, her arms already feeling the enormous weight of the emptiness. Her eyes went to Bell, who stood unobtrusively in the corner with her arms folded. Her head was bent to the floor, and Nicky wondered if she ever regretted her career choice. "Can't I have just a little more time?" Nicky asked desperately. "Just an hour? Even half an hour."
Bell looked up, her lips pressed into a thin line. She shook her head minutely. When she spoke, her voice was raspy. "Sorry, Nichols. I wish I could." Nicky swallowed and nodded wordlessly. Her eyes went to the baby in the nurse's arms, and she reached out to touch her face. "Take a minute to say goodbye," Bell said. She reached out to touch Nicky's arm gently.
Nicky was grateful, but shook her head. She breathed in shakily, biting her lip. Her hand stroked the wispy hair on her daughter's head. "How can I say goodbye when I haven't even said hello properly yet?"
Pennsatucky glanced at Nicky through the rearview mirror. "I'll drive real smooth," she said, nodding at Nicky. "This ain't my first rodeo, right, Bell?" She nudged the CO in the seat next to her and received a glare in response. "Hey, I just meant with those hispanic girls always getting pregnant...first lesbian we've had though!"
Nicky's knuckles turned white as she held onto the door handle. If she didn't feel so numb, she would have laughed. Without her baby, though, there didn't seem a point to anything, let alone laughing at stupid comments from methheads.
"So," Dogget continued, keeping to her word and turning the corner remarkably smoothly. "What did you have?"
"A girl," Nicky replied. Her voice trembled and she shut her mouth, fearing that if she even thought about her little girl any longer she would crumble into a hyperventilating mess.
Pennsatucky nodded. "Well, if you need a name, I always liked Bonnie. That's what I named mine."
"Yours?" Nicky asked wearily. Her head felt fuzzy but she was pretty sure she'd never heard Pennsatucky mention a child before.
"Yeah," she sighed as they finally pulled up outside Litchfield. "My unborn baby." She glanced at Nicky in the rearview again. "One of 'em, at least."
Nicky looked out of the window. Her home, at least for the foreseeable, stood in front of her. It was dirty and dingy, it was full of methheads, and it felt like she was walking into the gates of hell, but she just wanted to crawl into her bed and stay there for the next seven months. As glad as she was that Red would be there for her baby, she desperately wanted her for herself.
Pennsatucky awaited a reply, and Nicky was feeling too weak to be anything more than bemused by her, so she nodded wearily. "Bonnie's a nice name."
"Nicky!" Lorna jumped up from her bunk, and ran to meet the blonde as she shuffled across the dorm. "Look at you, you can fit through doors sideways again!" She laughed easily. "So, what did you have? Was I right?"
Nicky said nothing; she felt utterly overwhelmed. She fell into Lorna's arms. "Oh, honey," Lorna murmured, feeling the wet warmth of tears on her cheek. She helped her to her bunk, and curled up with her. "Tell me all about it."
"She's perfect, Lorna," Nicky said through her tears. "She's so tiny. Her nose is like a little button. And she has blue eyes! They're just like Red's, which is weird, I know," she rambled. Tears stained her face. "I feel like there's a part of me missing. I know it sounds stupid, and I thought I'd never say mushy shit like that...but she's more important than anything. And by the time she's mine again, she's not gonna know who I am."
"Of course she will! Don't be silly," Lorna admonished her gently, brushing her hair out of her watery eyes. "You're her mommy, Nicky. She will always need you. These seven months...she's not even going to remember them. You've got a lifetime with her."
"Galina!" Marka yelled softly. "I don't care what you're doing, I have something much more important for you to do in here."
Red closed the cookery book she had been leafing through. The time had passed painfully slowly, and with every second that ticked by, her anxiety for Nicky had grown stronger and stronger. "What is it, Mrs Nichols?" She hovered at the doorway, too afraid to ask if everything had gone okay.
"Come out here, Galina!" Marka laughed. It was one of the only genuine laughs Red had ever heard coming from the woman, and it gave her enough confidence that everything had gone well. With a small spring in her step, Red walked to meet Marka in the hallway. "Galina, I have someone for you to meet."
"Oh!" Red gasped. Marka carried a carseat on her left arm, carrying extremely precious cargo. Bright blue eyes stared back at her, and she fought the urge to whisk the baby out of the seat and into her arms.
By the pink sleepsuit, Red deduced she had a granddaughter. She bit back a laugh. How twisted, that she had to pretend she didn't see this baby as her own flesh and blood, or as good as? "Isn't she gorgeous?" Marka gushed.
Red's eyes filled. "She's a beauty," Red admitted. And she looks just like Nicky, she added silently. She couldn't tear her eyes away from the baby. Instead, Red clasped her hands together. "Oh, can I have a hold of her?"
"Of course," Marka said. "The nurses said I'd need to give her a feed by the time I got her home, so you can do that if you want." She looked at Red sheepishly. "To be honest with you, I've forgotten how to do it all."
Forgotten? Red thought. She doubted if she'd ever learned. Regardless, Red was thrilled. She couldn't wait to feed her. Some of her most precious memories of her boys were the midnight feedings, just the two of them against the world. To know that she would experience that with Nicky's baby transcended any small shred of hope that she'd dared to have upon learning of her only daughter's troublesome pregnancy.
"I know, you think I never did any of that," Marka said, as if reading Red's mind. "I had a nanny when Nicky was younger, but I used to come home from work and feed her to sleep. It was time for just us." She sighed deeply. "That stopped when I met Paolo."
Red didn't need to say what she thought. It was perfectly clear, and she didn't want to ruin one of the happiest moments in her life with sad tales from Nicky's childhood. Marka set the carseat down next to Red, and she instantly bent down to take the baby out. She fussed for a moment, but settled into Red's warm and strong arms. "Ooh, hello, little one."
Marka looked at Red worriedly. "She's so small."
"Good things come in small packages," Red smiled. She stroked the baby's wispy hair, falling more and more in love with every breath the baby took. "Now, what is this little one called?"
"Parker Willow," Marka said. She smiled, but this time, it was more uncertain. "It's...different."
"So is she," Red said. "Is Marka a common name? And in all my years here, I've never met another Galina. When people speak of her, they're not going to say, Parker Willow? Which one?" Red held the baby to her chest, feeling like she had a piece of Nicky in her arms. "They're going to say, Parker Willow, I know her. And by God, trust me - everyone is going to want to know this little girl."
A/N:
Hello lovelies! How are you all?
Long time no see on this fic, I know.
But I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please let me know what you thought in a review and what you'd like to see.
Also, where is the season six trailer? I'm getting antsy!
Hope you're all safe and well.
- Star xo
