Nicky coiled the phone wire around her finger, smiling. "So she's happy?" Nicky asked - needlessly, because she knew Red would lay her life down for Parker if she needed to.
"She's happy," Red confirmed. "I took her to see the ducks yesterday. Oh, malyshka, you should have seen her. She laughed for the first time!"
Nicky didn't expect the emotional punch to the gut, but it left her feeling breathless. She didn't say anything for a moment, and closed her eyes. She rested her hand against the cold of the wall. It destroyed her that she hadn't been there for that milestone. That she could only imagine what her own daughter's laugh sounded like. She swallowed.
"Oh, wow, ma…" Nicky stammered out. Her fingers curled around the receiver, her knuckles turning white. "That's...that's really great."
Red hesitated. In her excitement, she'd forgotten how Nicky must have felt about missing out on all of this time with her baby. As Parker grew, Red saw more and more of Nicky in her. She was a harsh reminder to everyone on the gaping hole in her life. "You know, Nicky," Red said softly, glancing to Parker asleep in her crib on the other side of the room. "I missed Vasily's first steps. I missed Yuri's first word. Maxsim, well...I just about missed his first everything, running around after two toddlers and running the market."
"It's not the same," Nicky whispered, fighting tears.
"No," Red conceded. "It's not the same. But Nicky, just remember: you are going to have a lifetime of laughs with her."
Nicky brushed away a tear and nodded. In the last few weeks she had made the conscious decision to focus more on the positive, because if she didn't, she'd feel there was nothing worth getting up for, not without her baby in her arms. "So...she likes ducks?"
"Mhm," Red laughed. "Just like her mama, so I hear!"
Nicky stopped. She blinked away the tears. "Did Marka tell you that?"
Red smiled. "Yes. She wasn't on the walk - that was just me and little miss Parker. But I told her when I got in and she laughed. Apparently you loved the ducks as a little one too."
Nicky sighed. "I always used to beg her to take me to feed the ducks." Nicky thought back to years ago in her own childhood. Would she ever look at Parker and feel as little as Marka felt? At the moment, her heart burst with love whenever she thought of her baby. She was still worried that it was just hormones left over from the pregnancy, and that in time she would look at Parker with the same apathy that Marka displayed when she looked at her. The thought of feeling so cold towards her daughter, her own flesh and blood, made her stomach churn.
"And?" Red said after a moment of silence.
"She never did," Nicky said. "Paloma took me sometime soon afterwards, I kept bugging her about it...if Parker asked me to see the ducks, I would take her." Nicky paused, and her voice faltered. "I wish I could. But...you'll take her, won't you? Whilst I'm not around?"
"Oh, Nicky," Red sighed. She felt her own eyes filling with tears. "You know I will."
"Thank you, Red...I know she'll be safe with you." Nicky glanced around her at the growing queue for the phone. Nicky exhaled through her nose. "Okay, ma, I've gotta go. I love you. Kiss Parker for me, won't ya?"
"Always, honey. I love you too."
Red placed the phone down with a heavy heart. It had been a couple of weeks since she'd even been able to visit Nicky, and being away from her was killing Red. She could only imagine what it was like for Nicky, being away from her tiny baby. When she had newborns, wild horses couldn't have kept her away from them. She would have walked over hot coals for them. As would Nicky, she was sure. But the prison system had a lot to answer to and no amount of wild horses or hot coals would reunite Nicky and Parker, as much as Red wished she could make it all better.
Red walked over to the crib. A pair of big blue eyes stared up at her. Red reached down and Parker grabbed her finger, smiling up at the face she'd grown to know the most in her short life. "Come to babushka," Red said softly, picking her up. She took her over to the rocking chair, unable to fight smiling. She looked so much like Nicky.
The baby babbled happily. Red nuzzled against her head, laughing as the baby looked up at her, bemused, with her blonde hair wild. "You look so much like your mama."
Red started as the door to the nursery opened. Marka offered a self-conscious smile from the other side, and Red immediately stood.
"Oh, Ms Nichols," Red said, suddenly flustered. It wasn't like her to get panicked, but the phone call with Nicky had made her lose track of time. She should have had dinner ready by now, it was always ready and waiting by the time Marka returned.
"Don't get up," Marka said. She gently set her purse down on the change table by the door, slipped her heels off, and padded over to Red and Parker. "She looks so peaceful."
"She does," Red murmured. "The nanny had to leave a little early….dentist appointment," Red said. "I'm so sorry, Ms Nichols. I forgot all about dinner with this little one to distract me."
"Yes, Audrina called…" Marka trailed off, a faint look of irritation crossing her features. "And call me Marka, I've told you, Galina!" She smiled. "I'm sorry to leave you with Parker. I know I should have come home, but I had meetings all day...she said you were fine with being left with her."
Red smiled. "I think we managed. Except for dinner, that is."
Marka waved a hand. "We'll order dinner. You'll stay for dinner, won't you, Galina?" There was a slight desperation to Marka's voice, and Red knew she hated being in sole charge of the baby. Red loved nothing more than spending time with her granddaughter, and every smile she rewarded her with was enough.
"Of course I will." Red stood and placed the baby in the crib, stroking her cheek gently.
Marka hesitated before turning to leave the room. "I heard you before I came in." Red swallowed. She hoped Marka didn't mean her using the word babushka. Her heart thudded. Marka walked over to the crib, standing on the other side to Red. Her eyes crinkled as she smiled. "She does look like Nicky, doesn't she?"
"The spitting image," Red smiled. "They're both beautiful."
"Yes. She takes after my mother," Marka sighed. "A bitch by all accounts, but a beautiful one."
Red laughed. "Girls and their mothers, hmm?" She shook her head. "It's never simple, is it?"
"You could say that." Marka stopped. "I have a photo of Nicky, she looks exactly like Parker now...it's in an album somewhere. Gathering dust, probably." Despite her melancholy, Marka smiled. "I should put it up somewhere, next to one of Parker. I think she'd like to see it when she grows up."
"I think Nicky would like to see it, too," Red said softly. "I think maybe…I think it's what she needs to see. And maybe she would have liked to see it when she was little too." Red remembered the conversation she'd had all those months ago when she'd defended Marka by saying she had a picture of Nicky displayed. It had been a lie, but one to spare Nicky's feelings, and she was sure Nicky would remember. Red desperately hoped the little lie that had made Nicky light up could be true.
Marka nodded wordlessly. Letting go of the crib, she looked at Red. "I'll dig it out after dinner."
Nicky flipped through the pages of a baby book, rubbing her forehead tiredly. "There's so much to know. Did you know that their eyes can change color, at like any time?" Nicky marvelled. Then she sat back, deflated. "That means I could see her one visit and she'd have blue eyes like now...and then the next, she could have green. Or brown, or anything. And I won't know."
"Oh, I like her blue eyes," Lorna added less than helpfully. "She's like a little Taylor Swift with her blue eyes and blonde hair!"
Nicky rolled her eyes, but brushed Lorna's leg with her foot affectionately under the table. Lorna smiled passively and took Nicky's hand.
"Everything will be okay, honey," Lorna said, playing with Nicky's fingers. "You don't need book smarts to be a good mom. That kinda stuff comes naturally."
Nicky forced herself to smile even though she didn't believe her. Lorna was trying, and that's all she could ask from her crazy kind of best friend, kind of lover.
"And you're a great mommy already!"
Nicky scoffed this time. "My baby is miles away from me. I'm a fucking stranger to her! How in the fuck am I good mother?" Nicky shook her head. "I'm worse than Marka. Who'd have thought it possible!"
"I don't wanna sound like Bryan Adams," Lorna started patiently, and Nicky wondered where the hell she was going with this. "But everything you do, you do it for her!"
Nicky couldn't help but laugh. It was more of a snort, and she wasn't sure if she was laughing or crying, but she did feel a little better. Lorna ran her hand through Nicky's hair. "She's so lucky to have you," the brunette whispered. She leaned on Nicky's shoulder.
"But she doesn't have me," Nicky insisted. "I'm not there for her. I've never been there for her. Her whole life is sans me."
"Listen, Nicky...my mom was always there. My fucking god, was she always there! Could never get a boyfriend through the door…" she trailed off. "But she was never there for me. She was just...there. She was there but she'd checked out. The lights were on but nobody was ever home, you get me?"
Nicky wiped her nose on the back of her hand, nodding. She knew what having an absent mother was like. But unlike Lorna, she had found a real mother in Red. She had to pinch herself sometimes to remind herself how lucky she was. Even if she didn't feel like it, she was one of the lucky ones.
Lorna inhaled, finding all the old memories hard to swallow after pedalling so many lies for such a long time. "You know, Nichols...you're the first person to really be there for me. Parker's lucky to have a mommy who loves her so much." Lorna hid the tears welling in her eyes. "And before you know it, you'll be back with her."
Nicky noticed every nuance in Lorna. It had come naturally, like everything else with her. She brushed some stray hairs from Lorna's face, giving her a better look at her expression. "What's up, huh?"
"Nothing…" Lorna tried to smile. "I'm so happy for you and Parker that you'll be together soon. I'm just...I'm gonna miss you, Nicky." Her voice broke, and tears rolled down her cheeks. Nicky couldn't help but smile, a wistful, indulgent, fleeting smile.
"We've still got months left together," Nicky comforted her. The words stuck in her throat. As much as she loved Lorna - because she really fucking loved her - she loved Parker more.
Lorna knew Nicky was only saying the words to comfort her. But maybe it was her turn to comfort Nicky, because somewhere she found the strength to squeeze her hand. "It'll go by so fast," she whispered.
As Nicky looked into Lorna's eyes, a message over the intercom caught her attention. "Nichols to Caputo's office, Nicole Nichols - is that really the name…? Okay...Nicole Nichols to Caputo's office."
Nicky rolled her eyes, but gave Lorna a worried look. "I guess I'll be back in a few. Wish me luck, Morello."
Lorna waited till the last possible moment to let go of Nicky's hand. "It'll be fine," she lied, her forehead wrinkling.
Nicky walked confidently to Caputo's office, the baby book under her arm, and tried not to look terrified. She knocked on his office door as she approached and he immediately called out for her to come in.
He eyed the baby book under her arm approvingly. "Making good use of your time, I see," he nodded. Nicky nodded back, hanging back. "Sit down, please."
Caputo set his glasses down on his desk and waited for Nicky to sit down. When she did, he smiled at her. She had to resist the urge to recoil; seeing Caputo smiling was a weird and an unsettling occurrence. But she pushed through the uneasiness - a smile was better than yelling and being sent down to the SHU, which always felt only a whisker away.
"Good news. You're eligible for early release, Nichols."
A/N:
Hiya lovelies! September is well and truly here and I'm loving it. How are all of you?!
I hope you enjoyed the chapter; please leave me a review telling me what you thought.
They really do inspire me to keep writing and update faster.
Hope you're all doing wonderfully.
- Star xo
