Nicky's leg bounced in the back of the cab. Raindrops rolled down the windows and Nicky smiled - it felt nice to be in this little bubble, away from prison drama and lockdowns and arbitrary pat downs. She was safe here, albeit a little uncomfortable as she slipped down the polished leather seats, travelling slowly back home. Home, the place she thought she would never return to; it was a strange, unsettling feeling as she started to pass old haunts and remember things she hadn't thought about in years.
After what felt like an endless journey of worrying and fretting about all the things out of her control, Nicky cleared her throat. "Just turn left here," she said softly. Ahead was the house she hadn't been to in years and that had never been home, not really, but that now held the thing that was most precious to her now - her daughter. "Could you park at the top of the street? I just want to walk for a bit."
The driver nodded at her in the rearview mirror. Marka had booked the cab and paid for it in advance, so Nicky only had to worry about actually working up the nerve to knocking on the door. She felt fifteen again, coming home after running away for the umpteenth time.
The door opened before Nicky even managed to drop her hand, and Marka stared at her from the other side. She looked so much older than Nicky remembered, and the blonde offered her a small smile. It wasn't easy, but she was willing to try. For Parker.
"Nicky," Marka breathed. "Come in, darling. It's freezing out there. Look what the rain's done to your hair."
Nicky fought the urge to roll her eyes. She looked past Marka to see Red standing in the hallway, watching the scene unfolding. Nicky couldn't help herself - she rushed into Red's arms, burying her nose into Red's shoulder. She smelled the same; of cooking, and of home. It was a strange feeling, not being yelled at for touching another person. Nicky relished it, and held on for far longer than she meant to.
"I missed you," she murmured into Red's ear.
Red was acutely aware of Marka's eyes burning a hole into the back of her head, and gently prised Nicky off of her. "You're so welcome," Red said loudly, making a point to smile at Marka. "But you don't have to thank me. I was happy to bring Parker to see you."
Marka looked worriedly at Nicky. Nicky's heart soared at her daughter's name. "I was busy at meetings. You understand that, don't you?"
Nicky didn't comment, so Red filled the silence. "Parker's asleep. We could wake her…?"
Nicky shook her head minutely. "No," she said reluctantly. She didn't want to admit it, but she was nervous to see her daughter again. Essentially, she was a stranger to her own baby. It killed her, and she couldn't bear the thought of Parker crying because she didn't know who was kissing her. "She needs her sleep. I don't want to upset her. She'll wake up."
"I made lunch," she announced. "Why don't you go and enjoy it? It will give you two a chance to catch up. I'll make myself busy."
Nicky threw a pleading look in Red's direction, but if Red caught it, she didn't react. Marka was feeling the same anxiety at being left alone with Nicky, and quickly shook her head.
"Please, Galina," Marka said, sweeping her way into the dining room as Red and Nicky followed numbly. "Sit down with us. You've helped raise Parker, you more than deserve to celebrate with us."
Celebrate. The word made Nicky's lips quirk into a smile. In a strange way, her biggest mistake - but greatest achievement, of course - had only served to bring Marka and her closer. Of course they would never have what other people had; what Nicky craved to have with Parker, in the future, but Parker's arrival made the two come together. It might not have been through choice, but maybe it wouldn't be so terrible.
"I'll grab our plates, then," Red said, a smiling creeping onto her face. She subtly winked at Nicky as she turned.
"Let me help you," Nicky said. She smiled tightly at Marka, who didn't comment as she unfolded the napkin on her lap. She scampered into the kitchen after Red. It was unnerving, watching Red doing what she did best but in such an unfamiliar setting.
"I've missed this," Red said, as she passed Nicky cutlery to lay on the table. Nicky smiled, tapping a fork against the countertop.
"Me too," the blonde admitted. She stole another hug, then quickly pulled away. Her nose wrinkled, and Red was instantly reminded of Parker. "It's weird seeing you and Marka being buddies."
A smile played on Red's lips. "She's not my buddy," Red laughed. "She's my boss, honey."
"Well, I think she likes you."
"Is that so?" Red raised her eyebrows, dishing up steaming vegetables. Nicky breathed in appreciatively. It had been a long time since she'd eaten truly fresh food, and the smell was almost irresistible. Nicky reached out and sneaked a piece of roasted carrot. Red pretended not to see. "How do you tell?"
"I can't," Nicky said, swallowing her mouthful and going for another. Red swatted her hand away. "But if she didn't you'd know."
Red nodded, passing Nicky a plate to take into the dining room. "I think you're right," she smiled. "Here. Take these two and put them on the table. I'll bring this one and then get the wine."
"Wine?" Nicky raised her eyebrows. "Is that for me too?"
Red flashed Nicky a warning look. "I think you'd better stick to water, don't you?"
Nicky rolled her eyes but nodded, saluting in jest. "Okay, boss!"
"I'll be through in a moment. Go sit with Marka. You two need to get along, for-"
"Red, I know," Nicky interrupted with a sigh. "For Parker. I won't blow it."
"I know."
Marka pushed the food around her plate, clearing her throat. The silence that had ensued was awkward for everyone, and Nicky was almost relieved when cries echoed through the apartment. Her face brightened and she scraped her chair against the floor, not even wincing when it dragged across the floor. She dashed across the corridor to Parker's room and switched on the light. The baby screamed louder at the brightness and Nicky cringed.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart," Nicky soothed, walking over to the crib. Parker stared up at her with watery blue eyes, her little face blank. Nicky reached into the crib. When Parker shrank back from her touch, she swallowed hard. She'd anticipated it being hard, but she hadn't anticipated the punch to the gut when her little girl didn't want her near her. "It's me, mommy," Nicky continued, staying upbeat. She pulled Parker out of her crib, holding her close. "Do you recognize me now, hmm?"
Nicky rocked the baby. It felt natural but uneasy as she tried to make her arms a steady cradle for her child. When she kept screaming, Nicky's brow knitted together. She'd never done this at visitation, when all the new sights and sounds provided adequate distraction. And when Red was right there at the other end of the table, Nicky thought.
Her cries grew shriller and more hysterical, and Nicky bounced her way into the dining room. Red looked up from her plate. Clearly, the crying hadn't disturbed her to the point of concern. Marka did the same, but a worried expression marred her pretty features.
"She won't stop crying," Nicky said, looking dangerously close to tears herself. Red offered her a small smile, but didn't interfere. Her own mother hadn't been around much when her boys were small, but when they visited Russia, she'd always hated it when her mother jumped in at the slightest cry she couldn't quieten. Despite what some people say, Red had found that mothers don't inherently know what's wrong with their baby. It comes with time and experience. She wanted to give Nicky that time.
Nicky's fears far surpassed any maternal doubts Red had ever had. She'd been a natural, but Nicky had been robbed of that chance from the beginning, and it was like starting from scratch again. She bounced Parker in her arms, a worried frown painted over her face. "She doesn't recognize me."
"Of course she recognizes you," Marka said bluntly. "Babies always recognize their mothers, honey."
Red was surprised Marka even comforted Nicky, pleasantly so. But Nicky's scoff showed that she saw it differently; a farce, if there ever were one - Marka giving parenting advice. Yeah, right.
Nicky glared as the screams grew louder and Parker arched her back. "Is that why I called Paloma 'mommy' until I was four years old?"
Marka's face turned scarlet and she dabbed at her mouth furiously with her napkin. "Nicky, please," she said desperately. "You probably heard her daughter calling her that. Parker knows who her mother is."
Nicky didn't care about her childhood angst anymore. Her main focus was the screaming child in her arms that she seemingly couldn't comfort. "Will you just take her, please," Nicky said, equally as desperately.
Marka stood and held her arms out, but Nicky shook her head angrily. "Not you," she spat, the cries making it impossible for her to be even the slightest bit diplomatic. There was something about Parker's cry; perhaps it was animalistic, or maternal instinct, but she'd always been able to ignore other crying babies in the street. Now it was her own, the sound made her physically ache, and it broke her not being able to know what was wrong.
Nicky passed Marka and handed the baby gently to Red, who gave a concerned look to her daughter. Nicky was past caring. Her sole attention was on Parker, and relief flooded her features as the crying slowly began to subside.
But Marka wasn't done.
"How can you say that? You barely know the woman!" Marka flushed and turned to Red. Marka being flustered threw Red off; she looked so much like Nicky when she was angry. "I'm sorry, Galina, of course I know you're wonderful with Parker. But my daughter always seems to think the worst of me. She trusts you over me," Marka said, her eyes misting. "I'm her mother, for God's sake!"
Red was watching as the look in Nicky's eyes grew colder. Her grip tightened on Parker. She noticed the way Nicky was grinding her teeth. And she willed her, inside of her head, not to say anything. But the rage that consumed Nicky had taken over, and deep down, the older woman knew that a shitstorm was about to go down. All she could do was hold her granddaughter close to her chest, and pray to a God she didn't believe in that things wouldn't be as bad as she expected.
"You're not my mother! Red is!"
"Who is Red?" Marka flung back, her face a picture of bewilderment. "Do you see what I mean, Galina? Listen to her! Can you imagine if your daughter spoke to you like that? She probably has more respect!"
Red tried not to react, despite the fact that her daughter was the exact one Marka was hurling insults at.
The fury in Nicky's eyes subsided as she looked at Red. She knew that she was the daughter Red had spoke about, seemingly at length, but couldn't stop herself from spilling the truth. "I'm sorry," she mouthed to Red.
Red opened her mouth, trying to defuse the situation. "Nicky-"
It was too late for niceties.
Nicky huffed, glaring at Marka. "Are you fucking stupid?" And then she pressed her lips together, glancing at Parker. She hated swearing in front of her baby, and the guilt that instantly rained down on her made her promise not to do it again, but the anger still burned. She pointed to Red. "She's Red!"
A/N:
Hi lovelies! Hope you enjoyed the newest chapter. I haven't updated in forever.
This update is long overdue, but my excuse is that I'm attempting NaNoWriMo this month!
*ignore the fact that I haven't updated since before November please lmao*
Please tell me what you thought in a review.
Hope you're all safe and well!
- Star xo
