A/N: To the guest reviewer: Parker is around 5 months old.
Just before I posted the chapter I had tweeted about always forgetting her age, and had to work it out to answer your question - so if I can't keep track of it, no wonder you can't! Haha. Hope that clears it up. If you were asking because the timeline seems off then that is probably my bad calculations. Hopefully not, though. ;)
Hope everyone is well. Also, I just realized - this fic is two years old, today! Happy birthday Midnight Lullabies lol.
Please leave a review, I appreciate every single one!
Star xo
Red's mouth was set in a hard line. She was having a hard time translating what was coming out of Nicky's mouth to the little girl on her lap.
"Of course you love her," Red insisted sharply. Her arms encircled Parker, providing a shield from everything else. She planted a kiss on the blonde curls on Parker's head. "Don't say things like that in front of her."
Her reaction did nothing to soothe Nicky's fears. The way her lip curled into a snarl, the way she pulled Parker away from her like she was poison…
Red looked utterly bewildered. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. It was only then Nicky realized how different Red looked from usual. Her spiky hair had softened, red waves falling down to her shoulders. Deeper frown lines marred her skin, compounded by her confusion in the moment.
Parker began to fuss on her lap. Red absently rubbed her arm in a half attempt at comforting her. She had experienced the baby blues, but this was something else entirely. This was foreign, unknown. This was scary. Even with her first baby, Red hadn't flinched. She was a natural mother, just like her own was. Perhaps she'd prepared herself better. Or perhaps it was just blind luck that she hadn't appreciated. Either way, the older woman thought, I'm out of my depth here.
"She's cold," Red said after a beat. "Let me put her down her a nap, then we can talk."
She didn't bother to ask Nicky if she wanted to do it; she knew what the answer would be. Instead she held Parker close, wanting to protect her from the harsh words her mother was hurling at her. Nicky wiped at her eyes, wishing she'd just kept her mouth shut. Nothing good came from talking. It had happened her whole life.
She was transported back to the last time she'd admitted something to Marka. The very last time.
"Of course you're going to prom," Marka said. She snapped her purse shut as she swiped her credit card at the checkout. "You'll look gorgeous in this dress. And don't worry, darling. We can sort out that hair."
Nicky huffed. "That's not what I was worried about."
"Then what?" Marka asked. She sighed, turning to her daughter. Nothing ever came easy with her. It was like getting blood from a stone sometimes. The fifteen years they'd spent together as mother and daughter had done little for their bond. It was practically nonexistent.
Marka turned to the store assistant, smiling as she handed her the dress in a bag. "If you tell me, maybe I can help."
Nicky's chin jutted up as she considered. She crossed her ankles as they walked out of the store, trying to focus on anything but what she wanted to say. "I don't wanna go to prom with Jude," she murmured, her cheeks flushing fuschia.
Marka raised her eyebrows, tittering. "I don't blame you. He's…" Marka searched for the right words. "Well, let's just say he's a little rough around the edges."
"That's not what I meant," Nicky mumbled. She was even too preoccupied to make a snide comment about Marka's attempt at being nice.
"How about Andrew?" Marka continued, running her hand along a rack of clothes in the next department store she'd wandered in to. "He's cute, hmm? And his mother is the president of my country club, you know."
Marka held up a sparkly bolero. "How about this? You'd look so grown up."
Nicky cleared her throat. "Fine," she said, her eyes casting heavenward. "But listen, mom, I don't…" she chewed on her lip. "I don't wanna go to prom with a boy, period." She hesitated, then said, "I wanna go to prom with Jenna."
Marka blinked. "But she's a girl."
"I know," Nicky said, scratching the back of her neck. Worry flashed in her brown eyes. She dropped her gaze to the floor. "I know."
Marka stared at Nicky for a moment before the penny dropped. She paused for a moment, then nodded. "I'll tell Andrew's mom to get him to wear a silver tie," she said, the only giveaway to her feelings being the blotchy red patches forming on her chest. "That way you'll match."
She almost expected it from Marka now. But Red? No. She'd never expected it from Red.
"Talk about what?" Nicky said, tugging at her sleeves. Clamming up was something she'd grown accustomed to. And though she'd never had to do it with Red, she did now. "There's nothing to say."
"I've got to talk some sense into you," Red snapped. "That's what."
The redhead left in a cloud of perfume and anger, leaving Nicky behind her. Nicky swallowed hard, holding her chin up. Her bottom lip wobbled. Red had always been someone to rely on. Ever since that first night when she'd fallen into her arms, she'd felt like she had finally found where she belonged. Found her clique, her pack, her home.
Now she felt more lonely than she ever had in her life. Somehow it was harder now. Harder now she knew what it felt like to be loved, to be cared about. Having it whipped away was cruel, even more so than if she'd never experienced it in the first place. Nicky stared at the table cloth until it blurred.
She didn't blame Parker. When she said that her baby was the best thing that ever happened to her, she meant it. But now everything was changing, and not for the better.
Before she could change her mind or think it through, Nicky grabbed Marka's purse from a hook on the door. She had a number of purses, some for going out, some for work, but they all had credit cards and cash in them. She sprinted to the front door with it under her arm.
In the nursery, Red leaned on the changing table. Her heart was thudding, ringing in her ears. She focused her energy on changing Parker. Almost on autopilot, she put a clean diaper on her before wrangling her into a onesie.
"Your babushka has just fucked up big time, Iva," Red sighed. She drummed her fingers on the change table as Parker blew raspberries up at her. She planted a kiss on the baby's head and then picked her up, rocking her in the crook of her arm.
Tough love was her default, but it rarely worked with Nicky. How could it? Red closed her eyes for a brief moment. She hated admitting she was wrong, but she hated seeing Nicky so upset even more.
"Your mama does love you," she continued. She ran a finger across her jaw worriedly. "I should never have yelled at her. I think she needs reminding that people love her, too."
Red placed Parker down in her crib. Switching on her white noise machine, Red slowly backed out of the room. She flicked the light off and eased the door shut.
Red shuffled to the kitchen. "Nicky, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…" she paused, looking at the empty kitchen table. She looked around the room. "Nicky?"
The cab driver looked at Nicky in the rearview mirror. "This really the stop you want?"
Nicky looked out of the window, her brows knitting together in apprehension. She nodded after a beat. "Yeah. An old haunt of mine, if you'd like."
He glanced at her. "I'd take you to hell in a handcart if you're paying, Miss."
Nicky let herself smile. "Trust me, this isn't far off hell." She stretched her legs as she exited, reaching through to swipe her credit card. He nodded at her approvingly and gave her a small wave as he drove off.
Standing in front of Litchfield was a strange feeling. Over the last day or so she'd come to realize that 'free' wasn't a place. It was a state of mind. And now she felt about as free as every single prisoner in there.
She sighed inwardly. The parking lot was stuffed to the brim with cars, all patiently waiting for their owners to return. Nicky tapped her foot on the tarmac, peeking at the time on her phone. She knew there would only be a few minutes until a shift change, but she didn't know who would come spilling out of those doors.
She waited.
After what felt like an eternity, a trickle of guards came out of the door. She strained to see who she was looking for, but failed. A second or so later, the second best thing arrived. Scruffy beard unshaven and unkempt, he stumbled to his car. Nicky wondered if he was sober. She doubted it.
"Luschek," Nicky called, keeping her head down but jogging over to him.
He raised his eyebrows, hand instantly rubbing at his neck. If she was trying to be inconspicuous, her mess of copper curls were betraying her. "Nicky?"
"Who else?" she asked, holding her hands out. "Listen, I need a favor…"
Luschek stopped short. "I don't like the sound of that."
Nicky laughed. "No-one ever does." She paused, then continued before she lost her nerve. "I've been inside a long time. All my dealers are locked up or dead. I just need…"
"No fucking way," Luschek said. He looked at her in bafflement. "You got out like two days ago! What are you even doing here?" He looked behind him, seeing people beginning to stare. He grabbed Nicky by her elbow and steered her to his car. Sliding into the driver's side, he waited for her to close the passenger door.
"I'm not asking you," Nicky said reproachfully. "You'd smoke it all before I even got it." She forced an exhale through her nose. "I only know one person who can get their hands on the good shit," she confessed. Her gaze fell to the security door. "I know they hired Anderson again. I heard."
Luschek looked at her. "You want to score from Anderson?"
"I know it sounds bad, but-"
"Bad?" Luschek guffawed. "You sound like you've lost your fucking mind! He's a piece of shit. He assaulted you!"
Nicky rolled her eyes. "I can handle myself. And it wasn't really assault, you moron. It was a...mutual agreement."
"What about your baby?" Luschek continued, ignoring her. "Addicts mess up their kids. You wanna be like fucking Diaz? That's what happens. In twenty years you'll be back here with Parker by your side."
Nicky pressed her lips together. "You remembered her name."
Luschek rubbed the stubble on his chin as he felt his cheeks heating up. "That's what you got from that?" He shook his head.
"Is he here or not?" Nicky asked.
Luschek narrowed his eyes. "I don't know who told you he was back, but they were lying."
Nicky's hopes fell, but she saw him twitch out of the corner of her eye. Turning round to see what he was looking at, she heard him groan. Anderson was leaning at his window.
"Fucking liar!" Nicky fumed. "I told you, I can handle myself."
Anderson smirked. "Trust me, Joel," he said, raising his eyebrows. "She can handle herself." He turned to Nicky. "You look…"
"Fat," Nicky raised her eyebrows. She usually loved the way her body looked, but she had to admit that nine months of pregnancy had taken their toll.
"That's okay." Anderson chuckled. The sound and sight of him made her skin crawl, but if she wanted a favor from him she had to play the long game. "I like a little extra meat on the bones."
Luschek rolled his eyes, shifting in his seat. Nicky had to admit she was finding the whole thing a little much, too. But she punched him in the leg to shut up, and focused her attention on Anderson.
Nicky shrugged. "It's only temporary. You know. Nine months on, nine months off."
Anderson nodded. "Didn't think that counted for abortions."
Nicky's brow furrowed. "Abortions?" she echoed. "What are you talking about?"
Luschek looked between Nicky and Anderson, his head ducked and eyebrows knit together. They both looked at him.
"Caputo, he said you'd had an abortion. That's why I'm back. No proof, you know?" He trailed off as Nicky didn't look any the wiser. "You did get one, right?"
Nicky froze. All thoughts of drugs were suddenly out of her system and she couldn't fathom what she had even been doing out here, not when her baby was at home. She locked eyes with Luschek, suddenly stricken.
"Of course she did," Luschek stammered. He looked at Nicky, widening his eyes. The message was clear - do you really want this asshole around your baby? "Right, Nichols?"
She didn't. Of course she didn't.
Nicky nodded. "Yep. Yes, of course I did."
Anderson rubbed his hand along his mouth. Their lies were transparent, and the anger was mounting in him. "You fucking liar. Come on, man. Luschek, tell me the truth. This whore had my kid, didn't she?" His face was burning crimson. "Didn't she?!"
Nicky pulled at her hair. She'd ruined everything. Her heart thudded underneath her thin shirt, and she looked at Luschek for reassurance he couldn't give. Parker was just a baby; an innocent. All throughout her pregnancy, Nicky had been relieved that Anderson hadn't been obsessed like Mendez had been with Daya. That he knew about his baby, but was willing to walk away. She was sad for Parker, but fuck, she was relieved that he wouldn't be around. He was a disgusting human being.
Now...she'd been wrong. And now she'd ruined it, all for a fix. She screwed her eyes shut, hating herself. It was in that moment that she felt the fierce need to protect Parker. To be with her baby. Is this what it took? She asked herself. To realize that you do love your baby?
Nicky's eyes bulged. She was desperate to fix the mess she'd made. "I didn't!"
"Where is it?" Anderson demanded. "Where's my kid?!"
Luschek said nothing but turned the key in the ignition. He shook his head as he put the gas to the floor, reversing out of the parking lot. He turned to Nicky. His voice was terse when he spoke, his eyes hard. "I'm taking you home."
