Nicky turned to Luschek as he cut the engine, unbuckling her belt. "Do I have to go inside?"
Luschek rubbed the stubble on his chin. "No, but I'd have thought jail time would have swayed you against imprisoning yourself in this shit tip of a car."
The car ride over there had been lengthy and it had given her time to reflect on the whole situation. As reluctant as she was to go back in and face the music, she'd made up her mind on what she was going to do going forward. She let out a sigh. Though it might have seemed strange to some, facing this situation left her feeling weirdly calm. The anxiety she couldn't shake wasn't there now.
"Mm," Nicky agreed, kicking a tin of Coors light out of her way in the footwell. Pulled out of her thoughts, she remembered who she would have to face once inside. "They're gonna be pissed."
"Are you surprised?" Luschek wondered. "You didn't even need a fix. You just needed a reason to hit self destruct. Self sabotage," he said, tipping his head in her direction.
"You been reading self help books?" Nicky scoffed.
"Maybe," he said. "But I know you, Nichols." He ran his fingers through his hair, raising his eyebrows. "I know you."
Nicky put her key in the door and quietly slipped Marka's handbag back to where it was supposed to be before anyone noticed. As soon as she'd taken her jacket off, Red was in the doorway, Parker in hand.
Despite Red's glare, Nicky smiled as Parker babbled to herself. She grabbed fistfuls of Red's hair, laughing maniacally to the point where Red couldn't hide her smile either.
"Nicky," Red finally said, relieved beyond belief. She crossed the room and pulled Nicky in. She breathed in the scent of her hair, the warmth of her embrace. "I'm sorry, honey," she breathed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things. Plenty of women get like this with their first."
Nicky pulled away, looking at Red with watery eyes. To know that Red didn't think she was some kind of monster was intensely relieving. "I didn't mean it," Nicky whispered. She gently took Parker from Red, and though her anxiety rose from simply holding her baby, she fought the urge to pass her back. Instead, she planted a kiss on the little girl's curls and held her close. "I do love her."
Red nodded. She still didn't understand what Nicky was so anxious about, and she still didn't know the solution to all of her girl's problems, but this she knew. "I know you do."
Nicky rocked on her heels.
"Spit it out," Red said bluntly. She twisted a curl of Nicky's hair around her finger.
Nicky raised an eyebrow. "Hmm?"
"You have something to say. You've got that look on your face, I just know it." Red pressed her lips together. "What have you done?"
Nicky swallowed. "Is Marka in yet?"
"Yes," Red said. She quirked an eyebrow up. "You'd rather talk to her?"
Nicky shook her head, but a smile played on her lips. She could sense a little jealousy. "No. I need to talk to you both."
Nicky sat back after explaining. She left out a few key details, such as going there to get a fix, but most of the story was complete. Her fingers raked through Parker's hair as she tried to avoid the gaze of two mothers staring down at her. For what seemed like the longest time, neither of them spoke.
And then Marka did.
"None of this is unfixable," she said finally. Nodding, she brushed some hair out of her eyes. "Don't worry darling. Let me just...let me call my lawyers." Marka paused, blinking as she tried to gather her thoughts.
Red stared at Nicky, finding her actions incomprehensible. Although Nicky hadn't said why she had gone to Litchfield, Red had a good idea of why. She let out a trembling breath. The consequences of her stupidity were enormous. And it wasn't just about her anymore - she had Parker to think about now.
Marka nodded again, coming to a stand. "It's okay. Everything will be okay," she repeated, as if trying to convince herself. Her eyes settled on Parker and she felt tears stinging at the back of her eyes. The thought of that man around her granddaughter made bile rise in her throat. "If he even thinks about contacting you, he will be locked up. I'll make sure of it."
"No," Nicky said. She rubbed circles in Parker's back. "I know you won't understand, either of you..but I can't keep Parker away from him."
"Of course you can," Red said. "You're underestimating the strength of a good lawyer."
"That's not what I meant," Nicky continued. She didn't look up. "I don't want to keep Anderson away from her. He's her dad. She deserves to know him."
"He raped you!" Marka exclaimed. "How can you possibly say you want Parker to be around him?"
Nicky rolled her eyes. "It wasn't real rape," she said defensively. "You know that. You're just using the word for dramatic effect."
"And you're deflecting!" Marka said. "He sought you out in your most vulnerable moment and held up drugs like a carrot on a stick. He assaulted you." Marka covered her eyes with her hand and sat down at the table. "You're a mother now, Nicky. Can't you see this from our point of view?"
Red looked up. Marka's use of the word "ours" came as a pleasant surprise. But Mrs Nichols was right; Nicky was theirs. And Red would be damned if Nicky threw away her life due to how she was feeling in this hormone fuelled moment. The redhead nodded, her own brow creased worriedly. "Marka's right, Nicky - why don't you sit down and think about this for a moment?"
"No," Nicky replied instantly. Her face was set in a thunderous expression. "I'm not keeping Parker from her dad." Her mask slipped a little as she continued, "I wanted to see my dad so bad when I was little. And I know no matter what he did, I still would have wanted to."
"There's a difference between being a bad parent and a bad person," Marka said. "Your father wasn't a bad person. He might not have been the father you wanted, but he wasn't evil!" She chewed the inside of her cheek. "This man, this animal, he is! You cannot allow him to be around Parker. I'm sorry, Nicky, but you are acting like you've lost your mind."
Nicky's eyes hardened. She was getting sick of hearing that today.
"I don't want Parker to feel the way I do," Nicky said, guilty eyes flashing to Marka. "Maybe if you'd let me see my dad, this wouldn't be happening! If you'd been a better mother, none of this would be happening at all!"
Nicky set her hands down on the back of a chair at the kitchen table. She looked to Red for support, to tell her she was doing the right thing - but Red only sighed.
"No," she agreed, reaching out for Nicky's hand. "But you wouldn't have Parker now, either." She rubbed her thumb against the back of Nicky's hand. "Let's just talk, hmm?"
"No," Nicky said, tearing her hand away. "I don't want to be the reason she doesn't have a relationship with her father."
Red stood, opening her mouth to argue, but Nicky cut her off before she got the chance.
"I'm done talking." Nicky threw up her hands, storming out of the room with Parker. The only positive, Red bargained, was that she had actually taken her daughter with her.
Marka sat at the kitchen table, her head in her hands. Red hovered by the door. She was torn - follow Nicky or stay with Marka? She hated to say it, but she agreed with Marka. Suppressing a sigh, she too slid down at the table.
The resentment still festered under the surface with her, but she didn't like throwing the past back in her face. If having Parker had taught her anything, it was that being a perfect parent was a lot easier to do before you had kids. She had made too many mistakes of her own to have a leg to stand on, anyway.
"She has to make her own mistakes," Red said finally. And, despite knowing she probably should bite her tongue, she continued. "Maybe this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't kept her father away."
Marka waved her hand. "I didn't keep Les from Nicky."
"What?" Red said. Her brow knitted together and she gestured for Marka to continue.
"How could I tell my five year old that Daddy isn't coming to her sixth birthday party, or any other one for that matter? How can you tell a thirteen year old that her father doesn't want to go to her father daughter dance? How can you tell her that you know it's his weekend, but he's in France with the secretary who used to help her with her homework?" Marka shook her head. She rested her chin on her hand. "I couldn't do it, Galina. I just couldn't break her heart."
Red reeled from the information. "But she hated you for it."
Marka nodded, sweeping hair from her eyes. "She hated me anyway. What did it matter?"
Marka took a large gulp from the glass in front of her. Wine sploshed out onto the table, and whilst Red fought the urge to wipe it, Marka barely seemed to notice. She slammed the glass down with a sigh. "She never thought much of me anyway. But you know," she said wistfully, "Nicky loved her Dad. Always did."
Red stared at Marka. She heaved a breath. It mattered, she thought. It mattered so much. "You need to tell her."
Marka rubbed at the nape of her neck. "She won't listen to me."
"Maybe not, but she'll know. If she goes ahead anyway, then that's on her. But she needs the full story, Mrs Nichols. She needs to know."
"It'll be too much for her," Marka insisted. She played with the stem of the wine glass, spinning the crystal glass like it was cheap plastic. "She's fragile right now. She's not coping well."
"No," Red admitted reluctantly. She hated to collude with Marka, to say that her girl was struggling. But she was, and for Marka to have noticed, even without knowledge of this morning's events, she knew it had to be bad. Red shook her head. "If you thought that, why haven't you said anything?"
Marka let out a hollow laugh as she stood. As she pulled another bottle from the cabinet, she shook her head. "Who am I to tell her that?"
"She lied earlier," Red said reluctantly. "When she said she went to pay Luschek a visit. She went to get herself a fix."
"I know," Marka said.
"You do?" Red looked up in surprise. When Marka offered her a glass of white, she didn't refuse. She sipped from it, closing her eyes and letting herself get lost in the taste. When people said money can't buy taste, they clearly hadn't had this wine.
"Of course I do," Marka said, taking a large swig of her own. "She doesn't like to think so, but I know her. I noticed as soon as I walked in the door that my bag was gone."
Red's brow knitted together. "You didn't say anything."
"It's not the first time," Marka said wryly. "But nothing was missing. My credit card might be maxed out, but the bank hasn't called."
Red nodded slowly. "She hasn't taken anything. You can see it in her eyes."
"I know."
"She's through the worst of her addiction," Red said, taking another gulp of wine. It was blurring the edge of her anger and worry nicely.
"Her addiction is hurting herself," Marka said. She pursed her lips. "This smacks of hurting herself to ge back at me."
"You need to talk to her," Red repeated.
Marka closed her eyes for a moment, drained her glass, and then stood. "Wish me luck."
Marka knocked on Nicky's door hesitantly. She waited for a reluctant, "come in," before easing the door open.
Nicky's face fell when she saw it was Marka and not Red, but the older woman smiled anyway.
"Can I sit down?" Marka asked, gesturing to the bed Nicky was lying on with Parker sitting on her stomach. Nicky nodded. "Now, I don't want to fight with you, Nicky."
Nicky huffed. "I don't wanna fight with you either."
Marka sat. She played with the small stuffed elephant Nicky must have taken from Parker's nursery, her own from childhood. She smiled. "You used to love this thing."
Nicky watched warily. You used to love me, she thought. Instead she reached for the elephant and tucked it down next to Parker.
"Red thinks I should tell you something," she said slowly. "But it can't be taken back once I say it."
"Say it then," Nicky encouraged. If she didn't, she would only spend forever wondering now.
"I want you to know I'm not saying this to hurt you. I just...I need you to know this. Before you make your decision on Anderson."
Nicky nodded, her uncertainty building.
"I…" Marka struggled for the words. "I didn't keep your father from seeing you. He just…left one day. And I guess...I guess he didn't want a part of me with him when he did."
Nicky blinked. Her head tilted ever so slightly. "What...why? Why are you lying?"
Marka bit her lip. "I'm not lying."
"He left you, not me! He loved me," Nicky insisted. "You were always talking about how much you hated him. You made us go to Paris with Grandma the first Christmas you divorced, the Christmas he was supposed to spend with me!"
"I know," Marka said, closing her eyes. The memory was still raw even after all of these years. "We went with Grandma because your bags were already all packed to go to your father's."
"And?" Nicky demanded. "What happened?"
"And…" Marka exhaled. "And your father was in Cancun with his new wife and their newborn."
"Their...newborn?" Nicky echoed. She looked up at Marka and saw the pain evident on her own face. It was in that moment she realized she was telling the truth. It cut through her like a hot knife.
But anger was easier to deal with than pain. "That didn't give you a free pass to be a shitty mother! You should have tried harder! Instead you pushed me away, got me a nanny...you worked every day, all day!" Nicky insisted, flustered.
"You think I wanted to be at work all of the time? Of course not. I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to be the perfect mother. I wanted to be your mom."
Nicky shifted position to face Marka. "You didn't have to work so much. You had two fucking apartments when you were dating Paolo. And I wasn't invited to one of them!" Nicky looked down at her daughter and wondered how Marka could have done that to her.
"I shouldn't have done that," Marka said softly. She swallowed hard, her fist balled up by her side. "But it wasn't a good relationship. You were better off not seeing it." Marka sighed. "And me. I was a mess for years after your father left. He didn't just leave you. He left me too."She hesitated. "And if it makes you feel any better, Paolo cheated on me."
Nicky hid a smirk behind Parker.
"But you are not me, Nicky." Marka let out a sigh, pushing her hair back against her head. She tentatively reached out for Nicky's hand, and her heart squeezed when her daughter didn't pull away. It must have been at least twenty years since she'd last held her hand like this. "You're better than I am. And you have Red...and me, if you want," she said, clutching at straws.
Nicky blinked back tears. "I'm not," she said, wiping at her eyes. "I was in jail for the first five months of her life. And now I still can't do anything right." She licked her dry lips. "I'm just trying to do everything right. I don't want her to hate me when she grows up. I'm a shitty mother too. And her dad is worse than Les."
Marka fought the lump forming in her throat. "She will love you just as much as she does now," she said. She reached out to touch Nicky's curls, regret pooling in her eyes. "Who wouldn't?"
Nicky looked down. Her mother's touch was foreign, as much as she hated thinking about that fact. She kissed Parker's head.
Marka stroked Parker's button nose. "I know I could have been a better mother. I...I should have been a better mother." Marka paused to inhale a shaking breath. "I can't turn back the clock. But you've barely started."
Nicky looked up.
"And I'm trying now, Nicky. Please let me help you. Don't let him into her life to spite me. She doesn't need him. You never needed a man, did you?" Marka let a faint smile cross her lips.
Nicky looked from Parker to her mother. And though confusion and mixed emotions swirled inside of her, after a moment she nodded.
"You won't let me down again, will you?" Nicky's voice was unnaturally quiet.
Marka hated that even her own child couldn't trust her. That her little girl, who had once been as in love with her as Parker was with Nicky, was trying not to hate her. She wouldn't promise. She had broken far too many in the past; mostly to herself. But this time...things were different. Nicky had a new understanding...and Red was here to soften her own shortcomings.
Marka nodded. "I will not let you down."
A/N: Hey! I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Thank you for all of the reviews, they make me happy. Let me know what you thought and I will try to update soon. Hope you're all well!
Star xo
