Marka sifted through a pile of mail as she poured herself a glass of orange juice, pushing unstyled hair back out of her eyes. The aroma of bacon wafted through the apartment as it sizzled on the grill, mingled with the scent of expensive coffee as it brewed in the machine. Lazy Saturday mornings were something Nicky had always wished for as a kid. Now, with Parker and Red, she finally got to experience them instead of the rushed dash to Hebrew school for Nicky and to work for Marka that she had as a kid. Even Marka had taken Sundays off now, preferring to spend them at home with her family. It had only been through her mistakes, she had told Nicky one morning as she announced she wasn't going to work weekends anymore, that she had realized the importance of being at home when children were tiny. She wouldn't repeat history with Parker.
Nicky looked up from the floor, her impromptu puppet show for Parker coming to an end as she craned her neck to look at the mail. She watched Marka's expressionless face as she flicked through each letter. For all her faults, the woman had the perfect poker face, and her features were completely unreadable.
"Anything there for me?" Nicky asked, her voice rising hopefully. Parker looked up as she heard the uncertainty in her mom's voice.
"Mm," Marka said, waving one in the air playfully. Her eyes shone mischievously as a smile tugged her lips upwards. "I wonder what this could be?"
Nicky took the letter with shaking fingers. She turned it over in her hands, licking her lips nervously. At the moment, she had more hope than she'd ever had in her life. Hope that things were finally going well, hope that the future could continue on the upwards slope she'd been slowly building. If she opened it and was rejected, all that hope would be gone. She could barely look at it. The thought of being a disappointment again was almost too much to bear.
"Do you think this is it?" she asked. She looked to Marka, then to Red, who was carefully cracking eggs into a pan. Nicky ripped the seal open and then held it in her hands, rocking on her heels. "If it is," she continued, worry flashing in her brown eyes, "do you think I got in?"
Red reached out a hand and rubbed Nicky's arm encouragingly. "Only one way to find out!"
Nicky tore open the envelope with trembling fingers. As her eyes scanned the words, they were filled with tears, and though she blinked them back, some managed to spill onto the letter. Marka exchanged a dark look with Red, who immediately turned the heat down on the pan and rushed to Nicky's side.
"Oh, honey," Red said, tucking a strand of blonde hair behind Nicky's ear. "It doesn't matter. You can apply again next year, or maybe you could try a different school..?"
Marka threw the rest of the mail on the table, her brow furrowing. She looked to Nicky with confusion in her eyes. "No, this isn't right! You put all the work in, did everything they asked...what have they said? We can fight the decision, sweetheart."
Parker looked up. Her own expression matched Marka's; confused and worried about the situation. Nicky wiped her cheeks off and bent down to scoop her up.
"It's okay, babe," Nicky said, blinking to compose herself. She brushed her cheek against Parker's curls. She made an attempt to smile for her little girl, and Parker pressed her hand against Nicky's wet cheek.
But out of Parker's eye-shot, she shook her head at both Marka and Red, and then pushed the letter towards them. Both pairs of eyes began to scan it, and a heavy realization dawned.
"Well…" Red said, the first one to speak, "that's a good thing, isn't it?" Her voice was gentle, and she took the letter from Nicky's trembling fingers to stop her from reading it over and over again. "Your lawyer wasn't even sure he'd get any time."
Marka folded her arms. "Even a thousand years wouldn't be enough for him. Not after what he did to Parker. He deserves to rot in there for life."
Nicky nodded in agreement, feeling weak. "It's a start," she said simply, taking the letter from Red and ripping it to shreds. "You think he'll be popular in there? A CO and baby abuser? I doubt it." Her lips brushed against Parker's forehead. "She's the only thing that really matters. And she's right here, and she's safe."
Yet she chewed on her lip, not making eye contact as she wiped her nose. Marka and Red still looked worried, so Nicky continued.
"I'm not upset for him," Nicky explained, rubbing her finger along her bottom lip. She nodded in Parker's direction. "I'm just...I'm sad for her, you know?" Nicky stared at her daughter, fighting the conflict in her mind. "Of course I want him to rot...but I don't ever want her thinking that she's not good enough for that piece of shit."
She could finally understand why Marka had lied to her as a child, why she had spared her feelings whilst throwing herself into the firing line. It had all been for her.
"No mother wants that, Nicky," Red said softly. "But she doesn't need him. When she has you, what could she possibly need him for?"
A few months ago, Red might not have believed that, even if she would have reassured Nicky all the same. But now, she wholeheartedly believed that Nicky was Parker's best advocate, and the best mother she could be. Seeing Parker so unwell had snapped Nicky out of whatever funk she had been in, and Red had never felt so relieved.
"What am I gonna tell her?" Nicky continued, anxiously glancing at Parker. "When she asks about her father, what the fuck can I possibly tell her?"
"The truth," Marka said, uneasiness etched on her face. She took the shredded paper from Nicky's grasp, threw it in the trash, and watched it fall like confetti. Yet no-one celebrated this almost victory, and their lazy Saturday morning was suddenly tainted. "It's the only thing you can tell her."
"What would you know about the truth?" Nicky asked, exasperation clear in her tone. "Les walked out on us, and you let me blame you! What if Parker blames me?"
"She won't." Marka flushed, blinking at the harsh criticism. "And I only did that to-"
Nicky sat down at the table, waving her hand. "I know," she sighed, closing her eyes. "I know why you did it." She scratched at the hives that were appearing all over her chest. "And I get it now. I do," she said finally, looking Marka in the eye. "You did what you thought was best...for me."
"I did," Marka said quietly.
"Now I'm older, I appreciate it...I do." Nicky breathed in. "But how can I tell her what her own father did to her?" Nicky shook her head, bouncing Parker on her knee. Stress had taken its toll on her, and she was struggling to keep it together.
Red sat down next to Nicky, crossing her legs and leaning towards her. "You find a way," she said simply, chucking Parker's chin gently. She shrugged, not uncaringly, and looked at Nicky straight on. "You just do."
Nicky looked to Red. "You don't think she'll hate me for it, do you?" Her voice was barely a whisper. "I've fucked up so many times already, and she's not even one yet."
"Oh malyshka," Red said sadly. She took Parker from Nicky's arms and pulled both of them into a tight hug. "Of course she won't hate you. You did alright without a father, mm?"
Nicky pulled away from the hug, a quizzical look on her face.
"Aside from the prison stint and drugs, I mean," Red said, hiding a smile. "Look how you've turned out now. Raising a happy and healthy baby, well on your way to being a law student, and making up for lost time." She looked at Nicky, who finally offered up a hint of a smile. "Let's salvage what's left of our Saturday morning, hmm?"
She stood, and setting Parker down on her play mat on the floor, turned back to breakfast. Everything was ready, she just had to plate up. She started to do so as Marka began to talk.
"We're all proud of you, Nicky," Marka interjected. She pressed her lips together, and as Red looked at her, she only saw Nicky in the way she scrunched her nose. She nodded at Nicky. "I know I didn't say it enough when you were small," she conceded, a small sigh escaping. "But I am proud of you. Look what you've made of yourself. And that's without your father's help whatsoever."
"I haven't been the easiest person to be proud of," Nicky said. "But I'm not that person anymore."
"I know," Marka said lightly. She turned to Parker, running her fingers through the curls on her head. "But now you've got who looks up to you."
Nicky watched. It was always hard for her to watch Marka and Parker. In a way, she loved watching them; there was no doubt in her mind that Marka loved Parker with everything she had, and Parker adored Marka, there was no denying that. And she was happy that they had that relationship, rather than bitter. Yet there was still a part of her that wondered why she had been so unlovable to Marka. Why affection came easily between them, and why Marka couldn't help the smile when she looked at Parker. It stung, as much as she hated to admit it. There was a lull in the conversation, a small silence that no-one was particularly inclined to fill, before Nicky continued.
"Would I be a hypocrite if I said I wanted to see my dad again?"
Red looked up in surprise. She set a plate down in front of Marka and then turned to Nicky before sitting down herself. She took a quick swig from her coffee, sighing appreciatively as the warm liquid slipped down her throat. "You do?"
Nicky nodded. "I think I need to close that chapter of my life, you know? Otherwise it's just hanging over my head like this huge black cloud...I need to ask him why."
Marka nodded thoughtfully, chewing on a piece of toast. "I think I understand. I think you should visit him. You know, I think I have his address around here somewhere...When he first left, I wondered the same. I even asked him."
"And?"
"And...he didn't know," Marka said, blowing air up to her face. She looked as lost for words as Nicky felt. "Maybe he does now."
Nicky speared a piece of bacon with her fork, nodding. "Maybe so."
"Are you going to take Parker with you?" Red asked as she finished rinsing another dish. She leant on the kitchen sink, suds climbing her arms, and watched Nicky battle with her answer.
"You know," Marka said as she sipped her coffee, "the cleaner is coming at eleven. You don't have to wash up. She'll put it in the dishwasher."
"I know," Red said as she scrubbed the oatmeal from Parker's plastic bowl. Doing the dishes helped clear her head. Throwing things in a dishwasher wouldn't have the same effect, and waiting for the maid to do it didn't sit right with her. She raised her eyebrows at Nicky expectantly.
"I don't know," Nicky admitted. "What if he doesn't want to see me? I don't want Parker getting upset."
"Mm," Red said with a slight nod. She doubted it was Parker who would be getting upset, but she humored Nicky. "Maybe go on your own for the first time? Or...take one of us?"
Marka looked stricken at the idea of visiting her ex husband again, but to her credit, said nothing. Instead, she focused on Parker, who was beginning to grow restless on her mat. She picked the baby up, letting her grab at fistfuls of her hair.
"Would you come with me, Red?" Nicky asked. She looked to Marka. "And...would you take care of Parker for me? She misses you when you're at work." It was the truth, but also a little something to soften the blow of not being asked to join them.
"Of course I will," Red said. "When do you want to go?"
Nicky grabbed her purse from the sideboard. "No time like the present."
Dust flew into the air as tires screeched over a gravel driveway. In the back of the cab, Nicky and Red exchanged a glance of apprehension. Partly for what awaited Nicky on the inside of the lavish home they'd pulled up outside of, and partly due to the fear of facing another journey back home with New York's worst cab driver.
Nicky steeled herself for getting out. Her hand hovered over the handle, and then she turned to Rd. "Do you mind waiting in the cab?"
"Are you sure?" Red asked. She frowned at Nicky. "I thought I was here to support you."
"I don't think you'd like Les very much," Nicky said, rolling her eyes. "I don't think I'm going to be in there very long. I just...I missed this, you know? Just us. The dream team," she laughed. "Spock and Kirk."
Red pinched Nicky's cheek. "Let's go for ice cream when you get out," she suggested. "You can tell me all about it."
"I'd like that," Nicky admitted. "I love being with Parker, and Marka's even growing on me...but I've missed us. That sounds so corny."
"Noo," Red laughed, planting a kiss on Nicky's forehead. "Who can blame you? I'm stellar company."
"Compared to what I'm about to go into," Nicky muttered darkly. "You're the best."
"Go on," Red encouraged. "I'll be waiting for you. I'm always waiting for you, hmm?"
Nicky braced herself for the worst possible outcome as she rang the doorbell. She heard a dog barking, a man yelling, and then finally the turning of locks. When he opened the door, she instantly recognized him. Older, grayer, and with lines on his face, but still himself all the same.
He didn't seem to have the same thought. His brow furrowed, and then realization dawned. "...Nicky? Is that you?" He peered down at her, then grabbed her shoulders. "It is!"
He stepped aside to let her in, and took a good look at her in the light.
"Prison food can't be good for the figure," he noted, raising his eyebrows. "It's okay. Your grandmother carried a few extra pounds and she had three husbands." He sounded almost proud.
Nicky stared at him, expressionless. That's what was running through his mind after not seeing his daughter for more than ten years? For the first time in what felt like forever, she was speechless. It also dawned on her that he had known she was in prison, yet hadn't visited her once there, either. She couldn't choke down the hurt.
"Mm," she said finally. "What a relief - some poor schmuck will take on the heifer that I've turned into. And if I'm lucky, multiple failed marriages are in my future. Like father, like daughter, I guess?"
"Nicky…" he sighed. "You should come in properly."
He turned away from her and led her into a dining room. Family photos lined the perfectly wallpapered walls, and Nicky noted her absence with a withdrawn acceptance. She hadn't expected anything different, yet it was still like a punch to the stomach. He sat down on one side, and encouraged her to sit on the other. She did, and was faced by a canvas print of a baby directly in front of her. It spurred her on.
She hadn't intended to be combative and rude but she couldn't stop herself now - the floodgates had opened. She swept her hair back out of her face, staring at her father with the steely eyes she had gotten from him.
"Oh, and I'm a single mom, too, before I forget. Another stumbling block, I suppose?"
She yanked her phone from her pocket, and showed him the lock-screen. Parker stared up at them both, a mop of blonde hair taking up most of the screen and her cheeky grin lighting it up. Despite her anger, a small smile skimped her lips, and when she spoke, her voice had lost its sharp edge.
"That's Parker. She's seven months old."
"Oh," he said, his brow creasing as he studied his granddaughter. "From what I'd heard from your mother, I thought you were...you know," he said, his face flushed as he trailed off.
Nicky locked her phone, swiftly sliding it back into the pocket of the skinny jeans she could finally fit back into. It was the fact that she was finally happy with her post-baby figure that made the previous comment sting all the more.
"Gay?" Nicky filled in bluntly. Without apprehension she nodded; whilst uncomfortable around her absent father, she wasn't ashamed of who she was, and apart from the whole junkie side of her, she never had been. "I am."
Her father sat back in his chair, nodding. He stared at her, taking in the daughter he had missed growing up. While Nicky waited for him to say something heartfelt, he waited for her to say what she wanted from him. It bugged her that he didn't even comment on how gorgeous his granddaughter was. Like herself, he had no time for her.
"You know, Nicky…" he sighed, rubbing the stubble on his chin. "I never left you. I left your mother."
Nicky cleared her throat. "You didn't visit."
"I paid child support every month. You didn't go without, did you? Privately educated, dressed in clothes from Bergdorf's, horseback riding lessons every week…"
"Father daughter dances without the father, a barely present mother…" Nicky finished. "Marka always had money, with or without you. You shouldn't have bothered."
"You were better off without me, sweetheart. Your mother had it covered. But now you're older, well, maybe now's the time to fix everything up?" he suggested. "I know I messed up, Nicky, but everyone makes mistakes. I'm a better man now. And you didn't turn out so bad, in the grand scheme of things."
Nicky swallowed. "Were you even gonna tell me about your other kids?"
Les raised his eyebrows. "Marka finally told you, then. There's only the one. A sister, Sammi." He paused. "And before you ask, yes, we still talk. She's six years younger than you are. I don't know if it'll help, but I didn't plan for her."
"It doesn't," Nicky muttered.
Les shrugged. "She's a teacher, God knows why. She lives in Minnesota now, again, God knows why."
"Got any kids?" Nicky asked. As far as she was concerned, she didn't have a sister, but curiosity still nipped at her heels. Maybe if Parker had cousins, it would be different. Maybe.
He shook his head. "She doesn't want to strain the earth with more children," he said, his brow furrowing. "Your generation. I will never understand."
Nicky rolled her eyes. If anything, she was beginning to see that she hadn't missed out on him much when she was a child.
"She didn't even want to go to law school like I told her to," he continued, nonplussed by Nicky's annoyance, and shook his head. "It's where the money is at."
Nicky sat up. "I applied to study at the New York Law School," she said enthusiastically. "I'm still waiting on my letter to see if I get in, but Marka doesn't see why I shouldn't."
Les looked impressed for the first time that day. He leaned forward. "You did?" he asked. "I have a few pals there. They used to be big shots, now they teach…" he raised his eyebrows. "I could put a good word in."
Nicky nodded. As much as she hated accepting help and assuaging his guilt for years of estrangement, she wasn't about to cut her nose off to spite her face.
"You're not gonna turn into a bleeding heart good-doer lawyer, are you?" He asked, narrowing his eyes. "One of those daughters is enough."
"Cross my heart," Nicky said, bemused. She'd been in her father's company for less than thirty minutes, yet it had been a rollercoaster. She couldn't lie, he had done nothing to ease her anger or pain at being abandoned. Having Parker had compounded her belief that she would never leave her child, yet the visit had scratched an itch of sorts.
"Listen, Nicky," he said, coming to a stand. "I hate to cut this short, but I've got a big meeting. But don't worry, I'll put that good word in."
Nicky stood too, curling her fingers around her bag uneasily. He would never be the father she wanted, or the one she needed as a kid, but it was a start.
"Don't be a stranger, eh, kid?" he said, patting her back. He led her to the front door, and as he opened it, reached into the pocket of his blazer. He produced a wad of dollar bills, and pressed it into Nicky's hand. "And get something nice for the little one, hm? Tell her Grandpa says hi."
Nicky looked at the money, then at her father, and offered him a strained smile. She wanted to say, 'why change the habits of a lifetime?' Instead, she nodded. "Of course not."
She wouldn't tell Parker about her grandpa. If he wanted a relationship with her, then he would have to step up himself. She would spend some of the money on her and Red's ice cream date, and the rest could be thrown into Marka's change jar. That little girl couldn't be more spoiled if Nicky tried.
As Nicky slid into the back of the cab with Red, the older woman's eyes twinkled. "So...you don't look pissed," she said, trying to be positive. "He wasn't a total ass, then?"
"He kinda was," Nicky said, shrugging as she buckled herself in. She tossed her hair over her shoulder, and was surprised herself at how okay she felt after the meeting. She'd expected to feel more...yet she didn't.
"But?" Red prompted, sensing she wasn't done.
"But I realized I have everything I need already, waiting at home for me."
Red smiled, kissing the top of Nicky's curls. "I think you always knew that."
"So...what do you say to ice cream?" Nicky asked. Her brown eyes shone not with tears but with excitement, and Red squeezed her fingers tightly.
"I say two scoops and extra sauce," Red said. "For you too," she said, poking her in the ribs. "You're getting too skinny."
Nicky laughed. "You know, Red, you always know just what to say."
Red pushed Nicky's hair out of her eyes. "Mothers always do," she winked. "One day, you'll see."
A/N:
Thank you for reading. This chapter was a long time coming, so I hope you liked it, and I'm sorry it took so long to post. Obviously it is not the last chapter, as a few of you requested a couple of last things wrapped up, so I hope you enjoy the last few chapters and are happy with the mini extension lol. Please leave me a review letting me know your thoughts. I appreciate them all, and thank you for all the reviews on the last chapter.
Hope you're all doing well.
- Star xo
