"TW self harm and anxiety

Eilidh is a Scottish name pronounced like Hayley without the H so like Ay-lee

"Mum where's my shoes?" 15 year old Chloe shouted.

"Where did you put them?" Ange had asked

"Well if i knew that then I would know where they are!" Chloe replied

"Have you tried the shoe rack?"

"They're not there."

"Under the kitchen table."

"No."

Chloe came into the living room. "I can't find them anywhere." She looked like she was about to cry.

"Chloe it's okay. Don't worry let's find your shoes. They can't have disappeared. You can wear your boots if it comes to it. Let's look for 5 more minutes and I'll give you a lift." Ange got up to look for Chloe's shoes but when she came back in to the living room Chloe had tears welling up in her eyes. "Chloe, it's okay. I've got your boots, it's not worth getting upset over. Come on, let's get in the car. Let me just grab my bag from upstairs.

Chloe put her boots on even though her legs felt shaky. She felt weird, sick almost but her head was spinning too. She felt like she wasn't in the room. She sat down on the sofa but the weird feeling was getting more intense. Her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest, it was going too fast, too fast,too fast. She clutched at her chest as her breathing quickened. Was she having a heart attack. Surly that would explain the pain in her chest. But she was a healthy teenager. Old people had heart attacks. She realised she wasn't breathing right, just like her heart it was too fast,too fast, too fast. Her head started spinning more and all coherent thought left her brain. Other than the fact she thought she was going to die.

Ange came downstairs and was shocked to see her teenage daughter struggling to breathe and scratching at herself. "Chloe love? Are you okay?" No reply. What the heck was happening to her wee girl. "Chloe?" Still nothing. She was having a panic attack Ange realised but all her medical knowledge left her. It was different when it was your own child rather than a patient you barley knew. She went over to Chloe and grabbed her arms to stop her scratching.

Mum was there. Chloe sensed. She couldn't see her because everything was black. Were her eyes closed? She wasn't sure, mum was saying something but Chloe's brain couldn't make sense of the words right now. Mum had taken her arms and was stroking her thumb over Chloe's hand. Chloe's thoughts were becoming clearer but she still couldn't breathe and everything was too fast, too fast, too fast.

Ange wanted to know what this was about. Wanted Chloe to be stood at the door with her school bag like she'd left her less than two minutes ago. But Ange started to remember what to do. She let go of her daughters hands and put them on her cheeks tilted Chloe's head up until she could see her eyes. She would never touch a patients face of course, but this was her Chloe. Distressed and scared. "Chloe darling can you look at me. Right at my face, good girl. I want you to try and breath with me in and out. In and out, in and out.

Mum was asking Chloe to slow her breathing and breath with her but she couldn't. It was still too fast, too fast, too fast. Even when she was trying to breathe in it was coming in short sharp gasps. How could she cover how to breathe for goodness sake. She's been doing it fine since the day she was born. "Can't breathe." She said in gasps to her mum "help" almost whispering.

"Darling you can breathe, I'm helping you. In and out, in and out, in and out." Ange had never seen a panic attack this bad. Or did it seem more intense because it was her daughter. She wasn't sure. "See your doing it, your slowing your breathing. Good girl. Blow all your breath away like a big bubble. Now breathe in while I count to three okay. 1..2..3 and hold it 2..3.. and out for five 2...3...4..5"

Chloe still couldn't do it. She understood what her mum was saying but her brain couldn't get her lungs to slow down.

"Keep trying Chloe, keep focusing on me. Focus on mummy. In 2..3 hold 2..3 out 2..3..4..5" Chloe was calling down slightly but it was taking a hell of a long time. Ange was surprised she hadn't fainted due to lack of oxygen.

It was working, Chloe was focusing on her mum and her breathing started to slow. So did her heart. She felt less dizzy and she dissolved into tears and fell forward into her mums embrace.

"Oh Chloe it's okay, you're safe. I've got you. Mummy's got you." Ange helped Chloe back onto the sofa. "What happened to me?" Chloe asked her mum. "I think you had a panic attack darling. I'm not letting you go to school today. Let's get you a drink." She quickly ran to the kitchen and filled a glass from the tap. Rushed back and gave it to her daughter who took a sip and whispered "thanks."

"Are you ready to talk or shall i ring school and work first?" Chloe shook her head. "Ring them"

"Will you be okay here if I used the phone in the hall?" Ange asked and Chloe nodded.

Chloe could still hear her mum from the hall

"Hello. I'd like to report an absence. Chloe Goddard won't be in school today...she's unwell...I'm not sure if she'll be back tomorrow...ok thank you, I'll ask her. Goodbye."

"Hi, Shelly. I'm really sorry but my wee girl isn't well...yes her name's Chloe that's right. Yeah so sorry to leave you in the lurch but I've got to stay home with her...thank for understanding. Bye."

"Ok Chloe," Ange said walking back into the living room. "Don't you worry about school or work. It's all sorted. But I'm worried about you. Has anything like that ever happened before?"

"Not so bad. I've got a bit shaky and scared but never like that." Chloe whispered.

"Do you know why you felt like that?"

Chloe shook her head "I had a maths test at school and a timed essay in history and then I couldn't find my shoes then I started to feel weird..like shaky and sick and dizzy...like lightheaded. And then my heart was beating too fast and then I couldn't breathe." Chloe tried to explain.

"And there's nothing else worrying you?"

"Nothing out of the ordinary." Chloe replied.

Chloe spend the day mindlessly watching TV, and drawing, which always helped her relax. She was still a little bit shaky but her drawings were still good. At 3.45 the doorbell rang, and Ange went to answer it. It was Chloe's friend Eilidh "Hi Ange, is Chlo okay? I brought some of the worksheets from school. I know she's poorly but I know she wouldn't want to fall behind. Can I go say hi?" Eilidh asked.

"Let me go and see if she's awake?" Ange asked. She popped her head into the lounge where Chloe was who shook her head.

"Sorry Eilidh, Chloe's sleeping." Ange lied "thanks for the school work."

"Shall I knock for Chloe on the way to school tomorrow?" Eilidh asked since they often walked too and from school together. Since Fiona had dance most days after school and Sophie lived in the other direction.

"Thank you Eilidh but I'll give Chloe a lift tomorrow if she's feeling better."

Chloe spent a lot of the evening in her bedroom doing the schoolwork Eilidh had brought her. She was a very committed student. Ange was proud of how well she did in school but sometimes wished she'd allow herself a break. "Chloe darling, it's almost 9 o'clock. Why don't you have a shower, and an early night before school tomorrow."

"Okay. I still need to finish off the geography, and I don't think my French was the best. But my geography teacher Mrs Galbraith won't mind if I've been unwell and I don't have French until Friday. So I can always redo it before then."

Chloe couldn't sleep. She's had a nap earlier in the day, exhausted after her panic attack. She just lay in bed staring at her digital clock, watching the minutes change. She heard her mum going to bed at about 11. But still she lay awake. Around 2 am she started to panic her alarm would be going off in 5 hours for school. She started to feel a bit shaky. Like she had earlier before her panic attack. She didn't want to wake her mum. She had work in the morning. She knew there was only one solution. She crept down to the kitchen. Only turning one one of the three lights. She knew the sharpest knives were in the dishwasher. As she opened it a fork clattered onto the floor. She froze but couldn't hear her mum so continued. Pulled out the drawer and found the sharp knife. She was looking out of the window tears in her eyes. And pulled up her t shirt. "NO CHLOE NO!" She whipped around to see her mother. She paused eyes wide like a deer in headlights. Ange stepped towards her and Chloe took a step back. "Chloe, I'm not angry, no one is in trouble but can you please put the knife down. Chloe, please. Just put it on the table." Chloe looked unsure but placed the knife down. As soon as she had her mum enveloped her into the biggest hug. "Darling, I love you." She said because she didn't know what else to say. She sat her daughter down on the sofa and got her a glass of water. "Why didn't you wake me darling."

"Because you have work in the morning." Chloe said in a tiny voice.

"Oh, Chloe. My work is never more important than you. Never. I mean that. Okay promise me if you ever feel anxious or scared in the night you come and wake me and we work it out together."

"I'm sorry, I just started feeling shaky again like earlier and I didn't want to wake you and I know that when I cut myself I feel better and I was scared and worried and I didn't know what else to do.." Chloe started to panic.

"Chloe, calm, take a breath."

Chloe sighed and closed her eyes.

"You're exhausted aren't you hey?" Her mum asked "why don't you finish that glass of water and you can come and sleep in with me and we'll not worry about school or work tomorrow. I'll text my boss now and ring the school in the morning. But let's get you to bed."

Chloe slept in the next morning and continued with her schoolwork, tv and drawing. Eilidh dropped off some more schoolwork but Chloe still refused to see her but Ange gave some of the completed work to be handed in. In the evening Chloe was sat on the sofa next to her mother "mum, I don't think I can go to school tomorrow. I'm still doing my schoolwork, I do it better here than I do at school. I just can't go in. I can't." She said starting to cry.

"It's okay. I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to. Can I ask Gran to come over and watch you tomorrow. You are far more important than work but it would be good for me to show my face for a few hours. Will you be okay with your Gran?" Ange asked and Chloe nodded her head.

The next day was friday Chloe continued with the schoolwork Eilidh had dropped off, did some drawing and watched TV snuggled on the sofa with her beloved Gran. Her mother arrived home at about 1.30pm since she'd gone in early. Gran had cooked them a delicious lunch but Chloe barely ate any of it. "Do tho think she's okay?" Ange asked Gran when Chloe went up to continue her schoolwork

"I'm not sure." Gran sighed.

"I might talk to my colleagues at CAMHS, that's child and adolescent mental health services, see if I can get her an appointment." Ange said and Gran nodded in agreement.

At 3.50 Gran had left there was a knock at the door and they both assumed it was Eilidh "tell her I'm sleeping or in the bath or something." Chloe said. "Hi Ange. Where's Chlo-bow?" It was Fiona. "She's in the bath." Ange said. "Then I'll wait for her." Fiona said boldly walking in. "I don't care if she makes me sick I want to see my bestie."

"Well you've got a weird bath!" Fi smiled when she saw Chloe in her pyjamas sat on the sofa and went over to hug her. "I thought you were Eilidh." Chloe said. "And shouldn't you be dancing?"

"I am usually 'Miss Fiona' to a bunch of baby ballerinas on a Friday night but I haven't seen you in days plus the primary school we practice in has parents evening tonight."

"You two okay?" Ange asked Chloe.

"We'll be fine." Chloe said to her mum smiling. Thank God for Fiona, Ange thought. It was the first time she'd seen Chloe smile in ages. "Ok girls. I'll be in the kitchen if you need me. Shall I make you a hot chocolate each?"

"That would be great mum, thanks." Chloe smiled.

When Ange brought the girls the hot chocolate in Fiona was doing highland dance around the living room while Chloe was sat on the sofa trying to copy the arm movements laughing. "I'll make a dancer out of her yet." Fiona joked to Ange. Ange smiled because hearing her wee girl laugh had made her day. "How do you get the energy for all that jumping" Chloe asked

"Irn Bru and fruit pastilles mainly." Fiona joked.

Ange had hoped that seeing Fiona might have lessened Chloe's school anxiety but on Sunday night she was still in tears refusing to go in. Ange was worried and decided to arrange a meeting with Chloe's head of year for the Tuesday when neither her or Chloe's Gran were working. She still didn't want to leave Chloe alone after the near Miss with the meat knife the other night.

"Hello Mrs Goddard." A pinch faced woman greeted Ange at the school reception "my name is Mrs Cairns the school attendance officer."

"It's Miss Goddard." Ange replied tersely. She already didn't like this woman. She'd assumed she was married and why was she seeing the attendance officer, Chloe wasn't skiving she was unwell. "If you come to my office we will meet with Chloe's head of year Mrs McMillan."

"Good Morning, it's Miss Goddard isn't it?" Mrs McMillan asked as she shook Ange's hand and motioned for her to sit down. She was in her fiftys with short bobbed dark hair and wearing a smart suit. "I'm Camilla McMillan. Chloe's head of year. I'm afraid I don't know your daughter terribly well since I don't teach her but since the self harm incident I have been keeping a bit of an eye on her. I understand you have some concerns about Chloe not wanting to come to school?"

"Usually in this instance, myself or one of the other members of staff on the attendance team would come to your home in the morning and accompany Chloe to make sure she got to school and wasn't playing truant." Mrs Cairns said which infuriated Ange. But she kept her cool. "As I explained on the phone to the receptionist. Chloe isn't playing truant. She's having anxiety issues which seem to be centred around coming into school."

"Anxiety issues?" Mrs McMillan asked.

"Panic attacks, severe panic attacks" Ange clarified.

"Well she needs to come into school." Mrs Cairns said. "We need to decide what action is necessary. Could it be that Chloe is faking her 'anxiety issues' as you called them so as not to have to do her school work?"

"I'm sorry." Ange said unable to keep her cool "but I don't want you in this meeting. Have you ever even met my daughter? She's been doing all her schoolwork and giving it to her friends to hand in. Rather than focusing on punishing daughter perhaps the school needs to focus on why the thought of coming to school is causing my daughter to have panic attacks. Plus I'm a doctor. I know what a real panic attack looks like."

"Okay, I think we all need to calm down a little." Mrs McMillan said calmly. Thank you Mrs Cairns but it seems that you're not needed here. "Could you please find Helen Galbraith, and send her here" Mrs McMillan asked and Mrs Cairns left. "I think the point you made about us not really knowing Chloe was an important one. Helen Galbraith is a member of our pastoral care team as well as Chloe's Geography teacher. "I'm really sorry." Mrs McMillan said "I should have realised that mental health issues may be involved. Mrs Cairns is still of the mindset that any mental health or emotional issues are excuses." The door opened and a woman a little older than ange came in. She was wearing smart trousers

and a knit jumper she has dark blonde hair past her shoulders and a warm open face.

"Hello Dr Goddard. I'm Mrs Galbraith, Chloe's Geography teacher. Or Is it Miss Goddard I remember Chloe saying that you're a surgeon."

"Miss Goddard"

"Mrs Cairns briefly mentioned that Chloe was having panic attacks about school?" Mrs Galbraith asked

"Yes that's right, and I can't send her into school when she's that distressed. It's not fair on her or on you as a school to have to manage her mental health."

"Okay, but we need Chloe in school. I'm not worried about her schoolwork Eilidh McLaughlin gave me a wonderful piece of work she'd done about globalisation, but for her development and social skills and fun." Mrs Galbraith said. Ange already liked this teacher she seemed so sensible and kind.

"The longer she stays off school, the harder it will be for her to come back." Mrs Macmillan said.

"Perhaps we could do a sort of phased return. She could come in, just to my office and do some work their with a friends. She sits by Eilidh in Geography but I see her round the school with Fiona Robertson. Will you and Chloe be at home this afternoon?"

"Yes why?" Ange asked.

"I don't feel we should be making all these decisions for Chloe while she's not here. However one thing I think we should definitely tell her is that if she feels anxious at school she comes down to my office. If I'm teaching she can do her work there or if she needs support. Mrs Edward the head of pastoral care and Miss Mullen have offices there and it's likely one of us will be there at least."

Ange was delighted, a proper plan was in place for Chloe and she would be supported by the most lovely teachers. Chloe managed the phased return well but over the next few year spent many days sat in Mrs Galbraith's office.

Ange still saw Chloe as that tiny, slim teenager a lot of the time. Often forgot she was a fully grown woman. But one thing was for sure Ange would fight tooth and nail for Chloe. Whatever it took.