Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am to a spiritual level beyond material possessions. Therefore, I must borrow everyone else's.
Fix of 15x18 "Despair" ending. Probably been done 10,000 times by now, but I want it out of my head. I'm going to start at the end of Cas's speech, because we all know it by now, and it's heartbreaking, and it saves me some typing. And some crying.
Let's Make A Deal
The room with thick with tension and despair and… feelings. It was overwhelming. Dean had trouble assembling enough of his thoughts after Castiel's emotional dump. Dean's eyes were tearing; his throat was tight. "Why does this sound like a goodbye?" he managed.
The smile didn't leave Cas's face, his eyes never left Dean's. "Because it is."
Dean inhaled ungracefully. He hadn't realized that he had been holding his breath. Before Dean could get a word in, Cas continued, "I love you."
Dean shook his head. "Don't do this, Cas." Before Dean finished his sentence, a foreign noise erupted behind him, like squishing of wet towels. He turned and saw black ooze erupting from the bricks in the dungeon walls. Dean heard Cas take a step forward. Billie banged again on the door. The warding flashed but held [1].
"Cas…" Dean started.
Castiel took another step and put his bloody hand on Dean's left shoulder. "Goodbye, Dean."
"What - " Dean started again, but he found himself flying to the wall, hard enough to travel quickly, but not hard enough to hurt him. Another bang to the door. Dean regained his senses to see a black portal open, spinning, flowing. Instinct took over and Dean half-crawled, then sprinted to place himself between his best friend and the ominous black oblivion hole. His back was to Cas, half bent over arms out, shielding the Angel. "Wait! We have a new deal for you!" he screamed.
"Dean! What are you doing?" Cas yelled.
Dean ignored Cas. "A better deal!" Streams of black goo reached out toward the pair, and Dean attempted to block it at ever turn. He pushed Cas back toward the wall of the dungeon.
"I said that I would go willingly!" Cas argued.
Dean gave the Angel a side eye over his left shoulder. "You think you're the only dumbass in this family that gets to renege on cosmic deals?!" [2] Cas tried to move around him, but Dean's hand clasped on Cas's wrist. "Stay, please." Dean pleaded and stared into his eyes. Cas stopped. Dean didn't let go. The door banged again.
The goo retreated then reformed closer to the opening in the wall, reforming into a humanoid form. At last the black goo melted away into colors of –
Dean raised an eyebrow. "Meg?"
The Empty, in the demon Meg's form with the bleached hair Crowley gave her, shook its head. "Squirrel. Still not the smart one, are you?"
"It's the Empty, Dean," said Cas. "It likes to use people from my memories to taunt me."
The Empty nodded at Dean. "Now step out of the way, genius. I've come for my Unicorn."
"Unicorn?" Dean rolled his eyes. The door banged. "Listen, hear that?" The Empty cocked Meg's head. Dean continued, "Who do you want more? Castiel? Or Billie?" The Empty turned toward the door with the glowing warding. Now Dean had its attention. "Billie, the one who lied to you about her plans – "
The Empty didn't turn from the door. "She made it so LOUD," it screamed in agony, holding the sides of its head.
"So, new deal: you give up this happiness bullshit deal with Castiel, and we'll go take the warding down, and you can have Billie."
The Empty turned its head back to the Hunter and the Angel. "Oh, no. I don't think so. Why have one, when I can have both?" It smiled painfully.
Dean put a smile on his own face. "You won't get both. Cause if you don't agree to this deal, I'll walk out that door, and Billie will have no reason to come in here." Another bang.
"Dean, no –" Cas started, but Dean ignored him.
The Hunter spoke to the Empty over the Angel. "And by how close your standing to that black hole on the wall, I'm guessing you won't be able to reach her out there."
The Empty kept smiling. "I'm immortal. I have patience. That warding won't last much longer. I'll wait for her to come in, then take her, then him."
Dean shook his head. "And me."
"DEAN!" Cas exclaimed. But all Dean did was move his hand from Cas's wrist to his hand. Cas looked down questioningly as Dean interlocked their fingers. It was a strange feeling, not unpleasant, but strange. The bang on the door brought his attention back to the present situation.
Dean continued, "You want him, you take me too, 'cause I'm not letting go! And if you thought Cas was annoying. Well," Dean chuckled, "he's got nothing on me."
The smile faded from the Empty's face. It stared through Dean, through Cas, and through Cas's memories it had usurped from his mind. "You aren't joking."
"Hell, no, Princess. And I know all the words to 'The Song That Never Ends'." The door banged again.
The Empty stepped closer to Dean, a tether of black goo keeping a connection between the Meg construct and the portal. "You know, he'll still be mine, in the End. Never yours. Mine for Eternity."
Dean nodded. "But that isn't now. And he'll have his happiness."
Cas raised his eyebrow, wondering what that meant. Dean squeezed his hand. BANG!
The Empty smirked. "Will he now?" They stared each other down. "Fine. Deal."
Dean nodded. He wanted to release the tension in his shoulders, but he was still standing between this weird cosmic being dressed up as a demon he hated and the Angel that the being wanted to consume. "Come on, Cas." Dean kept his face and body turned toward the Empty and the two backed up out of the dungeon into the archive room. They stood behind the door. Dean nodded, and with the hand Dean didn't have in a death grip, Cas pulled out Dean's knife, reached over and scratched the blood warding.
The door flew open, hiding Dean and Cas behind it. Billie took a step forward. The Empty smiled. "Hello, partner. Miss me?" Meg melted into a tornado of black ooze and shot out to Billie. Billie didn't even have time to react before she was covered in goo. Dean blinked, and they were gone. He tentatively took a step forward and looked back towards the dungeon wall. It was solid.
Dean exhaled and released the tension he was holding though his body. He let his head fall back and slowly turned around to face Cas, relaxing but not letting go of his hand. "Just what did you think you were doing? Making a deal like that?" he snapped.
"I did it to save Jack soul! So he wasn't stolen into the Empty." Cas squinted and tilted his head. "Would you have done it any different?"
Dean didn't reply. He shook his head, looked at his shoes, and rubbed his face with his free hand. "You're still a dumbass." Dean leaned his head back again against the shelves and slid down to the floor. Cas did likewise and sat across from him.
"What about you?" Cas snapped. "I was at peace with going to the Empty. You need to keep fighting. You are important!"
"And so are you! Dammit, man! Just stop. Stop thinking you're … expendable."
"But, Dean –"
"Don't 'But, Dean' me." Dean interrupted. He sighed and looked up at the ceiling before his eyes settled back on Cas. "You know the one thing that frightens me more than this," Dean holds up their hands, still interlocked, "is the thought of trying to live without you. Again."
Cas tilted his head, confused.
"I'm sure Sammy told you, but I – I wasn't really living this last time." [3]
"Sam didn't say much of anything about the time I was gone, unless it was about Jack."
Dean raised an eyebrow. "He didn't?"
Cas shook his head. "Why? Does it matter?"
"Yes, it matters. You matter!" Dean breathed in deeply. He was tired in every way imaginable. Too tired to push things down again. "Cause you're my happiness too." Dean raised their hands to his lips and kissed Cas's hand. Cas's eyes grew wide. Dean lowered their hands and looked away.
"But, I, this," Cas squeezed their hands, "frightens you?"
"Yes," Dean said with his face toward the empty room.
"I don't want to frighten you." Cas loosened his grip and tried to pull his hand away. "I understand that you don't feel the same way –"
Dean shook his head and didn't let go of Cas's hand. "It's not that. That's not … You are important to me. And I don't have the greatest track record with romantic relationships. I mean, the last one I had, they were kidnapped and possessed by demons, and I made you erase their memories." Dean sighed. "I know I'll mess it up. Happiness isn't in the cards for me. And I'd rather not have the dream than live my life without you."
"No offense, Dean. But you seem to do a good job of pushing me out of your life as your best friend, too."
"I'm messed up. I know." Dean looked up at the ceiling and shook his head. "I don't know."
"Which is it?" Cas asked.
"Look. I'm not ready to … order a pizza or anything, but…" Dean smacked his lips together as he formed the words "…if being with a screw-up like me would make you happy, that makes me happy too." He tried to block the blush he felt creeping up to his cheeks with a smirk. "But I seriously have to question your sanity and taste."
"I can't say the same, Dean." The corner of Cas's mouth turned up. "I have been told on numerous occasions that I have sex appeal."
Dean kept his face turned up, but scanned Castiel's body out of the corner of his eye and chuckled. "They were not lyin'."
Cas smirked wider; Dean caught his eye as he brought his head down. They stared for a time that would have been uncomfortable for anyone else in the room, but it felt natural to them. Eventually Dean leaned his head back again and closed his eyes. The phone in Dean's jacket started to vibrate. The Hunter ignored it.
"Dean, your phone," Cas said, wondering why he didn't answer.
"Ssshhhh," said Dean, not opening his eyes. "I just want to enjoy this for a minute more. Forget about all that Big Bad Chuck stuff going on outside, okay?" Dean squeezed Cas's hand again. Cas smiled and squeezed back.
The phone stopped vibrating. The only sound in the room was their breathing. Dean concentrated on the feeling of Cas's warm hand in his own. It felt right. He felt relief, hope, faith in them: Team Free Will 2.0. They could do this: together.
Cas's voice broke the silence. "Dean!"
Dean's eyelids shot open upon hearing the alarm in Cas's voice. He squeezed his hand reflexively, except there was nothing there anymore. Cas's face blurred into a black and beige dust and disappeared. "NOOOO!" Dean screamed and lunged for the place Cas was sitting moments before, but it was empty. Dean's mind raced chaotically until footsteps approached behind him.
"I'm glad I came to see that personally." Chuck's voice sent chills down Dean's spine. "Epic."
Dean clenched his jaw and fists and turned to attack the squirrelly Deity. Of course, he didn't move more than an inch before Chuck froze him in his tracks. Chuck continued to talk as if Dean hadn't tried to move against him. "You know, the first time I resurrected that spanner Angel, it was out of shear curiosity. Not only did you two change something I had already written, but you came back to look for him. I mean, you knew Archangel versus Angel wasn't even a fight, but you had some weird hope that he was still around and not in bits and pieces over my living room.
"Then, with his new found life, Castiel judged me. Me. For how I was running things. Well, I couldn't let that stand. If he thought he could do better, let him try: gave him a level-up to Seraphim, some delusions of grandeur. See how that worked out for him. I appreciated you fanning the flames on that one: New sheriff in Heaven, ha! He made it farther than I thought he would.
"Then that last time, Castiel was right about my motives. Resurrection was his punishment." Chuck laughed. "And now, it's your punishment time. Have fun!" Chuck waved and left Dean alone on the floor of room 7B.
Dean's phone vibrated again. He pulled it out of his pocket this time: Sam. He couldn't even think about answering. He set the phone on the floor and put his head in his hands. The vibration was the only other sign of life in the room.
[1] Differs from canon here.
[2] Referring to episode 12x09 "First Blood" when Castiel broke Sam and Dean's deal with Billie by killing her.
[3] Referring to Dean's grief of episodes 13x01-13x05.
