~revised~
Chapter XLIX
Doctor
"So, a Torchwood Facility then. Again," he heard Mira say.
He lifted his head and watched her walking around the console.
"I wonder who's their new leader," she continued. "We should keep an eye on them. A close eye."
"Why?" he asked and flipped a few switches. Not that he didn't agree with her, but he was curious about her motives.
"Why? Do you think I want a bunch of paranoid xenophobics to lead humanity into space? To build some new British Empire? Certainly not. I mean, since I'm staying here for- well, a while, I don't want this to happen. Nothing against the Brits, I like them, really, I do. But well, you get the point, don't you?"
"But a Human Empire would be fine?" he asked and watched her closely. Had she really accepted that she had to stay here now? She had tried to pull herself together since Donna had appeared in the TARDIS, but it had been just that, an attempt. Not even a particularly good one.
"Depends. As long as it's not led by a bunch of xenophobic warmongers, I guess I would be fine with it. I mean, it's high time for them to overcome their quarrels, don't you think?" she replied and eyed him intently, as if thinking about something. "You know what happens to mankind, don't you?"
"Yeah, of course," he said and stared back at her. He knew where this was going. "Do you really want to know?"
"I-" she sighed. "I don't know. Maybe... Just, will they survive?"
"Oh yeah, they will. They so will," he smiled at her. Yes humanity would make it for a while. "They'll spread all over the galaxy, mingle with other species, evolve, leave Earth, find a new one-"
"What!? Leave Earth? As in: leaving it completely?"
"Yeah... As said, there's New Earth and-"
"Why? Why would they do that? Will it be destroyed?"
"Well, in a few billion years when the sun explodes, but they'll leave long before that. It was quite a sight, but unfortunately I can't take you there, I've been there already..."
"Quite a sight? You've watched the end of my homeworld? Great," she said and crossed her arms, obviously forgetting about the fact that it wasn't actually her homeworld.. "But why? Why do they leave before that?"
"Don't know. They just do. It was a bit overcrowded, a bit polluted, but-"
"So they just left it? Their own homeworld? How can they do that?"
"Well, as said, they've found a new planet. New Earth, it's lovely, really, it is, with apple grass and New New York- Well, technically it's New New New New- anyway. Do you want do see it?"
"What?! No!" she said and shook her head in disbelief. "Maybe Torchwood's exactly what they deserve then. Next you tell me that they forget where they came from, don't they?"
"Well, eventually...," he said and rubbed the back of his neck. He wasn't sure he really liked where this was going. Of course he could understand how much one could be attached to one's homeworld. He missed Gallifrey every waking second. Oh, he really had avoided setting foot on it when he was still able to, but now he wished for nothing more than to see this old planet again.
She didn't reply, just sat down on the jump seat. Slowly he walked over to her and sat down beside her.
"They just moved on," he said gently. "They survive, isn't that what matters? Everything ends, everything has its time and place. Things change. They'll live on, just somewhere else."
"Everything ends? That's it? What about fighting for what's important?"
"They leave because they want to. Obviously Earth wasn't as important to them as it's to you."
"Obviously," she said and he could hear the bitterness in her voice. "It's not just me," she continued after a moment of silence. "We would never leave Earth. We would do everything to protect it."
He looked at her from the side. She didn't sound utterly convinced by her own words. It wasn't that he didn't believe her. Sure enough, she and her friends, who were like her, would do everything to
protect their home. But without them, humanity would probably not be that attached to Earth.
Actually, it happened quite often that a species ventured out into space, only to eventually forget where they came from.
At least if their not led by a bunch of immortals, he thought. Even for him it was hard to imagine seeing everything around himself change, evolve, with him staying more or less the same. Seeing new generations growing up who wouldn't care much for the past, even more so if that past was a thousand years ago. For them it was ancient history, for her something she had witnessed it with her own eyes.
It had been different with his people, as they were all long-lived like him. And, no matter how long-lived one was, there was no escape from time. Even if one managed to survive, finally everyone would die of old age. Even he himself. That was what really set her and him apart from each other.
"What?" she asked eventually, turning her head to him.
"Hm? I didn't say anything-"
"You're staring at me."
"Do I? Really? Nah..."
"Whatever," she replied and rubbed her face. "I'm going to bed. Good night."
"Night," he said and watched how she left the console room.
Mira
She had taken a shower and tried to sleep, only to find herself in a weird dream, running through endless corridors that looked like the ones in the TARDIS. She knew she was looking for her father, because there was something really important to tell him, but no matter for how long she followed these corridors, she never seemed to get any further. Doors closed behind her, others opened, but didn't really lead anywhere. It felt like running in circles, and finally she woke up, drenched in tears and completely disorientated.
She went under the shower again, put on a black, knitted, knee-long dress, some black, woollen stockings and flat shoes and went to the library. Fortunately, the Doctor wasn't there. She didn't think she looked as if she had cried any more, but who knew what he was able to recognise. She just wasn't feeling like talking about it.
As she wandered along the shelves, she realised that the TARIDS felt emptier than before. Rose was gone, and even when she had been in her room, her presence had somehow filled the old time ship. Probably because the TARDIS had been aware of her because she was psychically connected to all her passenger.
She stopped and listened for a moment to the feelings she got from the TARDIS. She didn't seem to be particularly sad that Rose was gone; rather indifferent. She was missing her slightly, but at the same time she seemed to have known how it would end.
Of course she had, she suddenly realised. The TARDIS was a time machine and a sentient being. If the Doctor was able to see time-lines, the TARDIS must be as well - maybe even better than him.
She continued to walk the shelves, not really sure what she was looking for. Suddenly, she stood in front of a whole shelf filled with similar looking books.
"Complete History of Mankind" they were saying, covering a range of fifty years each, starting far in the past and going on far beyond the seventieth century.
She hesitated for a moment. She was indeed interested in that topic but... At the same time, she didn't want to know; she didn't want to get familiar with a history that wasn't hers. And most of all, she didn't want to get more accustomed to this universe. And by getting into human history, it would become a lot more real. But, after some moments, her curiosity got the better of her, and she grabbed "Complete History of Mankind, 2050 – 2100"
She was weighing the book in her hands whilst she was thinking were to go next. It was heavy and old looking, and she wondered when it had been written. Or when it was going to be written, who could tell things like that when travelling with a time machine.
Suddenly, a thought crossed her mind. It was a daring thought, some might have even called it megalomanic. Well, most people actually, and probably they were right. Maybe she should try the same thing here her father had done on Earth ages ago. Maybe there was a way to unite mankind and lead them out into space. Without them forgetting about Earth. Well, she didn't have an Arkon explorer ship and superior technology, but she had the knowledge of almost sixteen-hundred years. She knew the science from her universe. And, most of all, she had time. She would easily outlive anyone who would get in her way. She could make up plans spanning over centuries and work on them for the same amount of time.
As the thought was forming in her head, her gaze fell on the books again. History was already written, wasn't it? But hadn't the Doctor himself said that time could be rewritten? Probably she should ask him, but then he would want to know why she was asking. And there was no way she would tell him about her idea. And right now, it was just that. A thought, an idea. Something she should push aside instantly. This wasn't her personal playground for her ambitions. Plus, she never really had had the ambition to rule. She had always been satisfied with the role as an advisor. She hated to make decisions, and above that, she wasn't really good at it anyway. And that didn't mean the small, simple, fight-or-flight decisions, but the big, major ones that could influence the fate of a whole species for centuries to come. Sometimes even decisions where there was no good and bad choice, but only bad ones. Aside from that, she really wasn't a leader. She could do it if she had to, more or less, but she had never liked it. Anyway, the Doctor certainly wouldn't approve of it. Most likely she would fail miserably anyway and end up in some Torchwood laboratory. So no point of going further into all this 'time can be rewritten' thing. At least not right now. The top priority now was Torchwood, they already had agreed that they should keep an eye on them, and maybe she should focus on that for now.
Almost without thinking, her steps led her to the observatory. She liked the place, even though she hadn't quite come to terms with the strange and foreign universe above her head. It was the tranquillity, the timelessness of this place, the antique look of it that she found comforting.
She was very well aware that the Doctor most likely would pop up here sooner or later, but she didn't want to sit in her room now. And it wasn't that she was actively avoiding him. Not really. A bit maybe. But only because she still wasn't completely sure what there was between the two of them. Plus, it seemed there was almost nothing she could hide from him when it came to her feelings. Normally it was the other way around, had been like that for all her life. With him, she was completely unaware what was going on in his head and she had to rely solely on her normal senses; a rather uncommon territory for her.
Once in the observatory, she went over to the sofa, put her shoes off, sat down in the corner and wrapped herself in the soft, TARDIS-blue blanket. Then she looked at the book in her lap. She ran her fingers over the embossed title and traced along the delicate, golden lines on the dark red linen cover, but she couldn't bring herself to open it. Instead she was thinking again about the idea that had crossed her mind. It was madness, complete and utter madness, and yet she couldn't get it out of her head. It was something to focus on, something that, in a way, belonged to her, unlike any other thing around her. Nothing, neither the clothes she was wearing nor the room or her bed, was hers. But there was simply no way that she could mess with humanity's history in this universe. But there was nothing wrong with thinking about it, wasn't there?
She was just about to put the book aside as the door slowly opened and the Doctor entered the room, one hand in his pockets, with the other closing the door.
"Oh, I thought you were sleeping?" he said and collapsed on the couch next to her, leaning on his side so that he looked straight at her, his one arm on the back of the couch.
"I was," she said and finally put the book aside.
"Oh, human history," he said and pointed at it, "Interesting stuff. A bit dry from time to time, and sometimes it repeats itself, but apart from that... Interesting. You still look tired."
"Thanks!" she said and raised a brow.
"You're welcome," he said with a cheerful smile that quickly turned into a frown. "What for?"
"Never mind," she said and chuckled. Aliens. Although, he definitely had a sense for human irony and sarcasm, it only seemed to be a bit selective. "Yeah, it definitely has a tendency to repeat itself. At least in my universe. Just the scale of things changes. They were fighting each other on Earth, and later, when the Empire was about to fall apart, the human colonies started to wage war against each other again. Sometimes I have the feeling they will never learn. At least not for very long." She turned to her side as well, so that they were facing each other now, and wrapped herself closer into the blanket, her one hand resting on the couch next to his.
"Oh, I might say, a few generations is quite long for them, isn't it?"
"Maybe that's so. But they still could grab a history book and see that all their mistakes have been made before." She paused and studied his face. He had freckles. She had never consciously noticed that. "Well, it's not that they won't learn at all," she continued. "I guess it's just how humans are. Striving for independence, trying to live on their own, and such... Maybe they should finally learn about the waging-war-part. Or maybe we tried to keep the colonies under the rule of the Empire for too long. There are always two sides involved, at least."
"There I thought the Solar Empire was a good time?"
"It was. And it worked for a very long time. It's just... I hate endings. Even more so if it's a bad ending. And changes. I really do hate it. And if it was for me, the Empire could have went on as it was, until all eternity. Never changing, ever."
"Sounds a bit boring to me," he said thoughtfully.
"Yeah. But at least I wouldn't have to worry about the future if nothing changes. With change comes loss, and that I hate even more. No matter what it is. Friends, my home, my-"
"Oh, speaking of home," he suddenly interrupted her and almost made her jump. He reached into one of his pockets and produced a key, hanging on a silver chain. "I just remembered I haven't given you a key to the TARDIS yet. I just thought, as you're living here now, you should have one."
He handed it over to her. It looked just like a normal key – one she hadn't seen for ages, because everything was working now with electronic locks, secured by brainwave scanners, but back in her youth they had had keys like this one. But as she touched it, she could actually feel that it was no ordinary key.
"Thank you," she said with a soft smile and hung it around her neck after taking a long look at it. "Really, thank you. I guess I'm a bit less homeless now, aren't I?. So, we're flatmates now? Sort of?"
"Yeah, I think so," he said and smiled at her. Oh hell, these beautiful wrinkles around his eyes when he was smiling. He actually did smile a lot, and it was as if his whole face lit up, even though the look in his eyes remained somehow sad most of the times. Maybe it was because they were so big and dark, but she knew that wasn't the only reason. And she hadn't forgotten about the look on his face back on Earth, when he had drowned the children of the Racnoss. There had been something dark in them, something unforgiving.
"Do you worry a lot about the future?" she asked. "I mean, with a time machine, you can easily go and see. How about your own future?"
"Can't cross my own timeline. And why would I spoil all the fun?"
"Fun? Really?"
"Yeah. Maybe... Just maybe, and that's only a wild guess - you're worrying a bit too much?"
"Oh, don't you say!" she said in fake surprise with a lop sided grin. "Guess what, I've heard that before."
"No!" he said, equally faking surprise.
"Yes! Someone once said to me, why worry about the future? It'll happen anyway, whether you worry or not. So you could easily stop."
"Sounds like a wise person to me."
"Yes. Yes he was," she said quietly.
And that hadn't been the only thing he had said to her. He had taught her so much about living in the here and now, and that it was so much better to enjoy the things they had and the time they could spend together, even though knowing it would end for certain. She would grieve anyway when these times were over, so wouldn't it be better to have memories of good times instead of living on with regret about staying distant from him out of fear and anticipation of the future? And he had been right. She had been heartbroken when he had died, and she still was in some way. But now she could find comfort in the memories of their time together instead of living in regret that she had never given their love a chance.
Strange that she had to think about it right now, when she was sitting here with the Doctor, his face so close to hers and his deep, dark eyes focused on her. She felt as if she could drown in them, and forget about everything else. She remembered the short moment their minds had almost touched, just before Mickey had interrupted them. Well, it had been slightly more than almost – but it had only been skin-deep. Suddenly, she was longing to feel it again. The presence of his mind against her own, or, more likely, in her mind this time. To really see him, get to know him with all her senses – not only with her somehow limited, normal, human senses. Even though she still couldn't sense his emotions, there seemed to be something between them right now; a certain kind of tension. Or was she just imagining it?
At the same time, she suddenly felt guilty. Here she was, all alone in another universe and instead of looking for a way back she was thinking about her private feelings. It really wasn't the most appropriate time for that, was it? She had to stay focused, instead of...
Thinking about kissing him again. Dammit, she didn't even know if he was into human women. Well, there had been certain hints that maybe he was – but nothing to be completely sure.
For a moment she wondered why the situation seemed to be so intimate now. They had been alone in the observatory before, but it had been different. They had never just looked at each other like that, without words. Then she realised what had changed. Rose wasn't here any more. Rose had always been on their minds in some way, even if she had been in her room. Well, at least she had been on hers. Her presence had lingered in the TARDIS, filled the rooms and had been standing between them like an invisible wall. Talking about Rose had been a welcome distraction for her. Now they were all alone in this huge ship with nothing to hide behind, and with realising this, her heart started to race. Great. She suddenly felt like a teenager who was alone with her heartthrob. Hopefully she wasn't blushing right now. Wait. He could hear her heart, couldn't he? Oh hell. And as if that wasn't enough, she felt a light touch on her fingers. She looked down at her hand and saw his fingertips touching hers. A moment ago that hadn't been the case, she was sure about that.
"What?" he asked softly and made her look up again.
She almost forgot to breathe as she saw the look in his eyes. She had seen it before – just after he had removed the block in her mind he had built there to protect her from the agony of the Cybermen. Even though his eyes looked so utterly alien now, she could see the loneliness and longing in them. It was a gaze so intense, it sent a shiver down her spine.
"What 'what'?"she asked, feeling as awkward as she hadn't in a very long time. He certainly could hear her heart, she knew it. It was pounding in her ears so loud that no one would have been able to miss it.
"You look scared."
"Do I? I-" He was right. She was scared. But not of him. It was the whole situation. Not knowing what she wanted. No. She knew exactly what she wanted, and that scared her. She could feel that it was getting out of her hands, that she was about to leave safe territory.
"Yes, you do."
"Oh, well... no. It's just...Uhm. I- I always look a bit scared. It's just how my face looks. I'm just- you were right. I'm tired," she stumbled and pulled her hand away from his. "I think I'll try to sleep a bit more."
"Yeah? Okay," he said, trying to sound indifferent.
But she knew that tone in his voice by know. Nothing was okay. But she really couldn't, she shouldn't, stay right now. Their relationship was fine as it was. Companions, nothing more. It was working. She didn't want to risk it for something new that maybe wasn't even there. Probably she really was just seeing things, and would totally embarrass herself. Even if not, taking a step forward now meant there was no turning back. It could destroy everything if it went wrong. She freed herself from the blanket and stood up, carefully avoiding to trip over it again.
"So, good night then, again," she said and smiled awkwardly.
"Night."
She walked to the door, feeling his eyes in her back, and she only noticed when she had almost reached her room that she had completely forgotten to put on her shoes.
Ronin Kenshin, 10th Squad 3rd Seat, oXxgeorgiaxXo, bored411: Thanks for your reviews :-)
Falling Right Side-Up: I actually was thinking that something like that might come up in a review. I was thinking myself that my OC was not much more than some sort of side-kick in that episode. It was really hard to get her in it at all, because it is so centred around Donna, so hopefully that was just a problem of that particular episode. (I really do like that episode, but it isn´t an easy one to write an OC in)
And yes, there's a lot of dynamic missing with Rose gone, but I'm quite optimistic that I'll find a new one with Martha. Certainly not the same jealousy sort of thing, but something else :-)
What I wanted to say: I share your thoughts and I'm aware of the problem. :-)
