Stalled by AkaneRei
He was so goddamn pathetic.
Some fucking commanding officer he was. He couldn't even command his own tongue to work properly.
Seven years. Seven years and he's still in the same position as he was back when he first met her. It would be funny if it weren't for the fact that it was his own pathetic life that seemed to have stalled when it came to this. When it came to her.
"Congratulations, Jean," she had said."You deserve it."
There was genuine sincerity in her words. An acknowledgement of his accomplishments over the past years while working with her in the same team. All he had to do was respond the same way he had done to all the rest of his squad who'd given similar sentiments. Hell, a brief nod would have sufficed. Maybe some of that bravado that he's known for. Anything at all but what he actually said.
Instead, he'd stared at her newly coiffed and very short hair and said the first thing that came to his head...because the gods hated him. He was Jean Kirstein and she was Mikasa Ackerman, after all.
"Your h-h-hair," he'd stuttered, a sense of deja vu overcoming him as his eyes trailed the ends that curved around her face. What the hell happened to it, he'd thought. But he kept that part to himself, Thank fucking Sina for small favors. "It's beautiful," he finished lamely, because even after all these years and no matter what the length, it was still the truth. He'd never seen anything close to it.
Connie snickered next to him while Sasha gave him a knowing grin. Eren rolled his eyes before standing up to leave. Jean would swear that even Captain Levi gave an exasperated snort. Only Armin had thrown him an almost pitying look and Jean mentally kicked himself in the ass.
She had given him a sidelong glance and a quick "Thank you," before following Eren out of the mess hall. He can't even blame her for what seemed like a clumsy attempt to escape his presence.
Thank you.
As if they were back to being twelve. The sense of history repeating itself was strong.
He groaned and slowly began to carefully beat his head against the table in front of him.
"Oi," Captain Levi called out from the head of the table. "What are you still doing here? Don't you have a squad to get to know?"
"Give him a minute, Captain," Connie mouthed in mock sympathy.
Jean winced.
There would be days, weeks and months even, when he could converse with Mikasa Ackerman like any other soldier. Talk coherently to her and even berate her for her blind loyalty to one Eren Yeager. But every so often, he'd notice something new about her (like how her eyes gleamed with pride for him after hearing about his promotion) and all his rational thought seemingly goes to hell and he's left floundering not to sound like a complete idiot.
"Tsk," his Captain muttered under his breath. Soon to be his former captain, that is. "Get a move on, Kirstein," he ordered.
He turned his head to stare at Humanity's Strongest Soldier and wondered whether Captain Levi was referring to his lack of progress towards meeting his new squad or Mikasa.
Not that it mattered.
Either way, he wasn't sure which one he was the least prepared for or more ill equipped to deal with.
Looking up at the space where he last saw her retreating back, he shook his head.
Who was he kidding?
He'd rather tackle on his new mantle of leadership any day than figure out what to do with Mikasa.
"Just when I thought you were over this," Connie's voice drifted to him and he felt his comrade's arm swing around his shoulder in commiseration, "you open your mouth and prove me wrong."
Jean gave him a fulminating glare.
"I think it's sweet," claimed Sasha, shoving Connie out of the way and sliding next to Jean. " Hopeless," she said, almost apologetically, "but sweet."
He groaned in frustration and got up. He didn't have to listen to this. He had a squad to sort out and the day wasn't getting any younger. In a few hours, everyone would forget about his momentary gaffe and all will be back to as it were. He took a deep breath.
"Jean-" Armin started.
He held up his hand and made the move to leave the table. He didn't need Mikasa's friend telling him how hopeless he was. He fucking knew how hopeless he was. Mikasa was never going to see him that way. Care for him the way he wanted her to. Look at him with even half as much devotion as she did Eren. And as for him, Jean just didn't think it was even possible for him to shake her off. He'd been in love with her before he even knew he was capable of it. And by the time he realized it, it was too late. There was no going back.
He left the mess hall with as much dignity as he could muster, his ears burning as Armin's admonishing words to Connie drifted back.
Great. Just great.
