Chapter LVI
Mira's POV
She woke up some hours later, not entirely sure where she was – the bed didn't quite feel like the ones at ships of the Fleet, but neither did it quite feel like the one in her flat in Terrania.
It wouldn't be the first time for her being quite confused about her whereabouts when waking up, and after some moments she decided she must be on some space ship. There was a quiet constant noise, that wouldn't be there in her own flat. But she could quite well enjoy the feeling of actually being at home and having a rare day off for some moments longer.
It was not a second later that a light presence in her mind made her suddenly realise that she was neither at home on Earth nor in some space ship of the Fleet; waking her up completely with a start. The slight tingling she was feeling in her head was the everlasting presence of the TARDIS.
And not only did she realise where she was, but also what had happened in the last hours.
Hours?
She opened her eyes whilst turning around to have a look at the alarm clock next to her bed. The numbers on it told her nothing, because she had no idea when she had fallen asleep. It had been a weird sleep; full of even weirder dreams. But at least the excruciating headache was almost gone. It hadn't been that bad for years now and she was still slightly frightened by the intensity. It had gotten really, really bad after she had been sick, and everything she was remembering after that was somehow foggy. She couldn't quite separate what had actually happened and what she was only imagining.
Oh hell.
She finally got up, still feeling slightly shaky, and went to the bathroom. A shower would help her to sort her thoughts and figure out what of it she had been dreaming and what not.
Unfortunately, it didn't quite turn out as she had hoped. As she was standing under the hot water it dawned on her that more of the things she was remembering had happened, and almost none were dreams. She had been certain about the fight she had had with the Doctor – and that she had almost told him what she had done. Not that it really mattered – as she had said, it wasn't a secret.
Later, after she had dried her hair and put on some fresh clothes, she was standing in front of the mirror, tucking her hair into a knot on the back of her head. As she looked at herself she couldn't help but to think about the days they had been lost in the Andromeda Galaxy.
How young she had been back then, barely hundred and fifty years, but she still could remember it as if it had been yesterday. She lowered her head and closed her eyes, unable to stand her sight in the mirror, but it only brought up the images of the blazing inferno again, an inferno that had been her fault. Well, it hadn't been her doing alone, but she had played a leading role in the project. Together with Dr. Arno Kalup, an expert on the field of Hyperphysics. He had been brilliant, but he wouldn't have been able to achieve it on his own. Not in such a short amount of time, and neither wouldn't she herself. Of course, they hadn't meant to cause such devastation, and she had asked herself ever since how she could have been that blind. Why hadn't she foreseen what would happen? How could she – they – have been so arrogant to believe they could play god? It had been right in front of their eyes, but still they – she – had believed she had all under control.
And yet – even though those days had been some of her darkest – it had all been for a reason. That didn't make it any less wrong, but everything had fallen into place. Who knew what would have happened if they hadn't done it. Just with Skaro, maybe it didn't justify her actions, but not doing it could have proven even worse. But still, it haunted her, rightfully so. Maybe that was the punishment for what she had done. She had tried to talk to Kalup a few times about that, but he had been stonewalling on that topic. She could feel that he himself had been far from being at peace with it, how it was eating him up, but still he had refused to talk about it, until the day he lost his life due to an act of sabotage.
Yet, she had carried on somehow, as she had done countless times after that. So no reason to give up just now, even though it all seemed so completely random to her with nothing at stake other than her personal fate, just a cruel coincidence with the potential to shatter her whole view of the world, everything she so desperately believed in.
But there was nothing more than keeping it together and carrying on, was there? Now, after she had had some sleep it seemed even possible doing so, at least for a little longer. Now all she needed was a coffee. And having a smoke. She war really craving for a cigarette now, although she doubted that she would find one here. Plus, she would never even dream of smoking inside the TARDIS, and hopping out for a smoke would be rather difficult in open space.
Doctor's POV
He had spent the last hours with tending to his ship and thinking about the last hours. Or, better said, the last days and weeks. At least he had made a serious effort to do so, but he was still far from acknowledging what was going on. Of course he already knew it, as he always knew almost everything. Every time he was missing things – which, obviously, happened quite rarely - he didn't actually miss them, his mind was just occupied with other stuff. Or he simply didn't want to see them. But that on the other hand didn't mean that he never had some moments of clarity. Moments when he realised how lonely he really was, spending his times travelling. Of course, there were is companions, but they only stayed with him for such a short time. Apart from that, they weren't like him, not even remotely. They stayed with him for a while and then returned to their normal lives, finding someone equally normal to share it with, forgetting all about him. Well, at least that was what he was thinking, but Sarah had made it quite clear that she had never forgotten him. Which made it even worse in some way.
And then he had lost his homeworld, his people, his family, his friends, everyone. Not even Rose, despite pulling him out of his self-imposed isolation, could fill this hole. He had believed for a while she could, but it had only been wishful thinking. He couldn't give her what she had wanted, and neither could she. But, after all he had done, being alone was what he deserved, and he was fine with it. Fine as in: He had arranged himself with it.
It could have went on like that for ever, if it was for him, if he hadn't met her. With her strong urge for independence, always speaking her mind, trying to never give up – he was only hoping that clinging to her independence like that wouldn't be her downfall one day. No one could deal with everything on their own.
He couldn't even be mad at her for what she had tried to do on Skaro. It was wrong in so many ways, and he didn't agree with it, but he could understand her motivations. The Daleks really were a threat to all life in the universe, not only to his people but to humanity as well. And – he of all should now that – fighting in a war could really change one's perspectives. And who knew how many wars she had fought in her life. He doubted she would ever tell him what - as she had put it - had made it into every history book. Apart from that he still wasn't completely sure if she would really have destroyed Skaro.
Now he found her in the kitchen, looking up from her cup of coffee as he entered.
"Hi," she said and tried to crack a smile.
"Hi," he replied and sat down opposite of her. She looked quite back to normal, with her hair neatly tucked together, and instead of a black shirt she wore a light grey one which matched the colour of her eyes and made them shine even more. Only the slight black circles around her eyes and a fine line of sorrow between her eyebrows were giving away that maybe not everything was completely all right. But at least she was eating something, he thought, and took some fries out of the bowl on the table. The plate in front of her was still almost full, but well, at least she was trying.
For a moment they both remained silent whilst she was throwing a somehow evaluating glance at him, making him feeling slightly guilty. Had he gone too far with putting her to sleep like that? Well, she hadn't really protested, so...
"Thank you, I guess...," she finally said, her eyes fixed now on her coffee. "I mean, for staying with me and – you stayed with me for a while after I was sick, didn't you?" she asked and looked up again, now a puzzled expression on her face.
"Yeah... Yeah, I stayed for a bit...," he replied as innocent as possible, rubbing his neck. Maybe he was lucky and she didn't really remember what had happened. "Couldn't leave you on the bathroom floor, could I?" He tried a friendly smile and saw how she slightly blushed.
"Well, yeah. As said, thank you."
"Do you have often headaches like that?" he asked. Well, it had been the first time since she was here, and, being completely honest, he mostly didn't want the conversation to revolve around him, his previous regenerations, his age, and what the Beast had said.
"Nah, not really. Sometimes," she said casually and grabbed some fries.
For a moment they were eating in silence. It was an awkward, loaded silence, and he knew exactly what she would say next. He shouldn't be wrong.
"So," she began to speak again, "You said you would answer me some questions, respectively do some explaining."
"Did I? Really? Well, there's not-" He suddenly stopped as he saw the look in her eyes. "Well, maybe I did. I've already told you that- this process- And you've met my former self, so-"
"Yes, but- How much do you change? I mean, he- you clearly were a lot different. Not only because you were so much younger. Oh and, by the way - how old are you really? How often did that happen anyway? And, if you look so different on the outside, how does it affect the rest of you? Your personality, your memories, your-"
"Mira."
"Sorry," she said and looked down, whirling the coffee in her mug.
"You don't like it, do you?"
"What?" she looked up in confusion. "Like it? Like what? You changing completely in an attempt to escape death? I don't think it's about liking it or not. It's normal for your species, isn't it? It's just a part of who you are. And frankly, if I would have known about it I most likely would have recognised you. I just so didn't expect it. I'm just- I'm just trying to figure out how much you've changed. What of your former self is still here, and what not. Some of it obviously is still in you, because even though I might not feel your emotions as I do with other people, I still see more than meets the eye when I look at you. But some parts are d- uhm.. gone, replaced by something else."
Oh, did she even know how dead on she was right now? She was about to say dead, not gone. Some parts of him did die indeed, every time he regenerated. He didn't particularly like that part, even though sometimes he was glad to be someone new, but this time he really dreaded the moment he would regenerate. It actually was like dying, in some way. Plus, he didn't have too many regenerations left. But there was no need to worry her with that.
"Well," he started, rubbing his face, then his neck before suddenly realising that she could probably read his gestures just as he could read hers. He put his hands down and continued, "I'm now sort of my tenth regeneration? When I was on Skaro with Romana, I was in my fourth regeneration, to answer your question. And yes, my memories stay intact, more or less. At least they're supposed to, but this whole process could be a bit... dodgy. Well, I think I'm not missing any memories, but sometimes they get a bit shaken up for a few days."
He decided to spare her the stories of his various regenerations, not recognising people, falling asleep for hours or even days, forgetting how to pilot the TARDIS, and how he ribbed one of his scarves to use the yarn in an attempt to not getting lost inside the TARDIS after regenerating into his fifths regeneration.
"And you're right, I was different back then," he continued. "Basically, my personality traits are supposed to stay the same, but the balance of them can change..."
Quite dramatically.
"But well, as said, sometimes it can be a bit dodgy, and well- Anyway." He watched her closely, and she didn't seem to be particular happy.
"What?" he finally asked as he couldn't stand her being silent anymore.
She sighed and watched him for a few more moments. "I don't know. I'm just trying to imagine how it is to change in that way for ten times in about a thousand years," she finally said, before simply looking at him again. "Maybe I was hoping to find someone who was forced to live with himself and all his flaws and good and nasty personality traits for just as long as I am," she added after some moments, smiling slightly, obviously attempting a joke.
"And there I thought you don't like changes," he said and tried to smile as well. "Now you made staying the same sounding almost a little bit boring."
"It's not about liking changes or not. I just find it hard to deal with them, sometimes," she said, suddenly all serious again.
Okay, at least that was honest, he thought. Fair enough. At least she didn't seem to be afraid of the fact of him changing. So she wouldn't react like Rose did, because she hadn't recognised him any more. But there still was the fear growing in him that she wouldn't like him any more when he changed again.
"Well then, I'll try not to 'die' then," he said, being afraid that it actually sounded less light hearted as he wanted it to. "Oh and, by the way, the TARDIS has picked up some plasma coils around Royal Hope Hospital. I think we should go investigating, what'd you say?"
10th Squad 3rd Seat, NeoMulder, bored411: Thanks for reviewing :-)
