Chapter LXVII

Mira's POV

The Doctor had wanted to bring Martha home immediately, but she had objected. In her eyes it would have been absolutely negligent to bring Martha home right now - after everything that had happened - where she had no one to talk to about it. Not only had she been kidnapped, but had also witnessed the death of a gigantic face, not to talk about the skeletons all around her in the upper-city. And, on top of that, the Doctor had just told her that a war had killed all his people and destroyed his homeworld. She had no doubts Martha would be able to deal with it, but first she needed sleep, something to eat and maybe a few hours to gather herself. After that she would accept whatever the Doctor wanted to do; bring Martha back home or let her stay, and finally he had agreed. Of course they hadn't had that conversation in front of Martha – she had sent the girl to her own room to have a shower and have a few moments for her self.

Now she was on her way to the library where Martha was waiting now with some tea, toast, jam and eggs balancing on a large tray. But when she arrived there Martha was lying on one of the soft couches and sleeping soundly. She left the food on the coffee-table, covered Martha with a blanket and went out again as quietly as possible. Outside of the library in the long, empty, and somehow ever changing corridor, she stood for a moment and thought about what to do next. They had to talk, that was for sure. She absolutely didn't feel like it, but on the other hand she had never been someone to avoid a confrontation. Sure, she had gotten more reasonable and less short-tempered over the years, maybe even a bit too much of it – at least sometimes. But it was all clear by now, wasn't it? It had been her fault that Martha had still been here and kidnapped in the first place, and she had agreed to bring her back to Earth, if the Doctor wanted to do so.

Apart from that she still had to think about what the Face of Boe had said. Had he talked to the Doctor as well? And if so, what had he said to him?

Hopefully nothing.

Had it even told her the truth? The Face of Boe obviously knew her, but why would she tell him things like that? And when would she do it? Would she still say it, now that she knew of it? Say that the Doctor was a liar, manipulative, and she would still trust him? Did she trust him? Well, to an extend. She trusted in his knowledge, his abilities to pilot the TARDIS, and things like that. But, on the other hand, she had allowed him in her head as she had been lying in bed with the worst migraine for the last decade. By now she remembered very well what had happened; but she had tried to convince herself that she would have agreed to everything to make the pain stop, that it had nothing to do with him in particular.

She just wished she could ask her father for advice. Or talk with Roi, her half-brother about it. She missed them badly, even more so at moments like this one. She was absolutely tired of doing and deciding everything on her own and having no one to talk to. Sure, she knew she was able get along on her own, she had done it countless times before. Sometimes she had been wrong, but overall it had worked out. But that didn't change that she was incredibly sick of it. But the Doctor was certainly the last person she would talk to about her feelings - feelings towards him.

Apart from that, what had the meaning of all that talking about wrong path been? What did the Face of Boe know? If he really knew her, he would also know that she had always made it somehow.

But then he would also know about her deepest fears, know how much she dreaded the moment she wouldn't be able to pick herself up again because she had tested her luck and challenged destiny one time to many. She had no idea when that moment would come; but it was inevitable, that much she was certain of.

Well, back to the problems at hand - she couldn't hide nor stand in front of the library forever – so she decided to finally go up to the console room. Most likely he was there, and then they could discuss whatever there was left to discuss right away.

She saw the Doctor bent over the console with his back to her. She was a quiet walker and often startled the people she was approaching, but with him she was almost certain he had heard her.

"She's sleeping in the library," she said quietly.

"Fine, yeah, she must be tired," he murmured without turning around.

"So, next stop is Earth then, isn't it?"

"Yupp."

He still hadn't turned around, but pretended to be busy with the console.

"What?"

"Nothing," he replied.

"Fine. You want an official apology? Yes, it was my fault that I tried to convince you to let Martha stay. If it had been for you, she would have been back on Earth. So, essentially, you can blame everything that had happened on me. I'm sorry."

She hoped that was it then, but of course, that would have been far too easy.

"So, why did you do that in the first place?" he said and finally turned around to her. Although, she wished immediately he hadn't done it, after seeing the reproachful look he gave her. "After you basically convincing me how dangerous it is to have someone else on board, as you did with Rose?"

"Because – Because she wanted to stay," she said, knowing exactly how lame that excuse was. But telling him the truth was not an option. "I.. I don't know. Maybe she reminded me of myself. I.. Damn it, I know very well that it was wrong now."

But you didn't have to agree, did you? And you did.

She bit her lip to prevent herself from saying it. Short-tempered, anyone?

"Oh, I see. She reminded you of yourself? So, that's it then?" he asked and stared at her out of deep, dark eyes, arms crossed and leaning against the console.

So much for an easy way out.

She observed him carefully, trying to figure out what he had meant. So the Face of Boe did talk to him? Or was he simply still angry at her? No, it was about something deeper, more fundamental now. Right now she felt like standing on thin ice, very thin ice, sliding and struggling to neither slip nor cause it to crack. She was used to having control over situations like that thanks to her psychic abilities, but now she experienced a total loss of control; something she hardly knew and deeply hated. She simply had no idea what he was up to and dreaded that every move she would make now could lead into disaster.

"Yeah, that's it," she said slowly. Well, who was the liar now?

"Fair enough," he said and spun around again. "Think that's all I can expect when you're still accusing me of having trust issues. And there I thought you at least tried to forgive me for what happened on Kroptor," he added as if talking to himself.

"What?!"

As he didn't reply, she walked around the console to face him again.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she tried it again.

"You said I have trust issues," he said and looked up shortly. "'Don't make me responsible for your bloody trust issues.' I think that were your words ," he added without looking at her again, pressing some buttons on the console. "Just wonder who of us is actually having trust issues here."

She stared at him for a second before taking a deep breath as if to say something. But instead, she just exhaled and leaned heavy with her arms on the console, opposite of where he was still standing, her head hanging down. So that was it. She had – once again - said something whilst being enraged and furious, something that had hurt someone, without her wanting to. Well, maybe she had wanted to hurt him, if only for a second, but certainly she had not wanted to hit him like that and she had not thought about it like he obviously had. It had nothing to do with Kroptor, but simply with him having no trust in her abilities to handle situations like that.

"I...I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that," she finally said quietly.

"No?" he said, looking up again, this time his eyes stayed at her.

"No! I didn't even think about Kroptor. I was angry, and when I'm angry I say things I don't mean, and-"

"So you didn't mean it or you didn't mean it like that?" he interrupted her.

For a moment they just stared at each other, and she suddenly felt a bit like she had felt back on New Earth, just after she had walked away from him. Had she destroyed everything with a few words, spoken in anger? But at the same time, she didn't really want to take it back. She felt belittled, not taken seriously, and now blamed for everything that went wrong, even though she had tried to remedy it. Tried and been hold back by him. And now he was obviously in for hair-splitting.

Well, don't throw bricks when living in a glass house.

She was quite good at hair-splitting herself, remembering how she had actually forced him to say what exactly he was apologising for after they were on that clock-work spaceship. This time she was the one who wouldn't get off the hook that easily.

"I didn't mean it like that, not like you obviously understood it. But I don't see why I am to blame for everything that went wrong, with you not even giving me a chance to stop them!" She stood up straight again, her arms crossed as well now. "No, instead you think you can play hero, drag me out of the way and stand in front of that gun yourself! Do I really look like jumping in front of a loaded gun, hold by someone ready to use it?"

"Well, next time I'll certainly take my time to consider it," he replied angrily.

"As if it would take you, of all people, that much time! And that's exactly what I mean, don't consider it, just trust me in cases like that one!"

She realised she was now sounding just as angry as he did, but she just couldn't help it; she did not even want to. At the same time she hated herself for getting so emotionally involved every time they were of a different opinion. Nothing against getting emotional and having a decent fight every now and then – but, alone due to her age, she was used to prevail – there were only a few people, namely the others who were like her – who could hit back and stand up to her. And now there was him.

But this time he didn't hit back – he only stared at her and she could see how his face changed. From fury and anger it softened and suddenly she could see that incredible alien expression in his eyes again she had already seen there a few times before. Only ever when they had been alone, and the first time after he had removed what ever he had done in her mind to block out the emotions of the dying Cybermen. Was that his real selfshe was seeing? Had he ever looked at another human like that? Rose maybe? She couldn't be certain, by no means, but she could hardly imagine he had. Would they have even been able to see it? Suddenly she understood how hard it must be for him to deal with those young and often so clueless humans all the time, to hide so much of himself, without the prospect to be with one of his own kind ever again.


Doctor's POV

He knew that she was waiting for an answer, and probably was only one step away to throw more accusations at him. Well, in some points she definitely was right. They had both messed it up. And a part of him was so relieved that she obviously wasn't referring to what had happened on Kroptor, that his anger already faded. Probably she had really said it out of the moment, because she had been angry. He really wished to be able to believe it, yet he wasn't entirely convinced. He was still considering what to say as he saw how her face slowly changed. All the anger vanished, and a second later he realised she was only reacting to how his own expression must have changed.

Well, she definitely tried to keep up the angry look, hands on her hips and her head held high, but he could see it working behind her eyes. Yes, he would rather stand in front of a gun himself, any time. With pointing that out she had brought it to the point. Back on New Earth, when pulling her behind him, he had realised how empty his life would be without her. He had wondered from time to time if he only was drawn to her because she was the only one in a very long time who could understand him; to whom he could actually talk to, and, above all, not only talk to like he could with other humans. Wondered if it really mattered who she was – if he would still be drawn to her if she would be completely different? Was it just because she was the only one he actually could relate with? But did it really matter? Maybe it was the case and it was only because there was no one else, maybe not – same difference, wasn't it? Either way, he couldn't say why or how, but all he wanted to do was to be with her.

He had even slept for a little while when he had hold her in his arms in the observatory. He could hardly remember when he had done that the last time in the presence of a human. Well, he had done it, when he had just regenerated or been inflicted in some way, but that didn't count.

"What?" she asked eventually, still staring at him, the look on her face becoming increasingly confused. She had not changed after leaving New Earth and taking care of Martha, her hair was still braided and the shorter strands around her face curly and frizzy from the rain. He had the sudden urge to touch it, to brush aside one strand that was about to fall in her face. Good thing he was standing on the opposite side of the console, most likely she would be more than irritated by that now.

"I-" he started and looked down for a second, his hands in his pockets now. He was anything but certain about what to say next. That he liked her and didn't want to lose her?

Oh for goodness sake, humans and their need for talking.

There were things he just didn't want to put in words. Things he didn't want to speak out loud, because words could only ever be a stale and poor substitute, and most often came out wrong anyway.

"I don't want to lose you," he finally said simply and looked up again.

She blinked at him once, twice. He knew by now that she always did that when she couldn't believe what she had just heard. Well, at least it didn't seem like his words had come out wrong this time.

He watched her face as she didn't reply, trying to figure out what was going on in her head. Was there a hint of fear in her eyes? Fear of what? Him? No, she had proven more than once by know that she wasn't afraid to stand up to him. Most of all she seemed to be uncertain now – and young and self-conscious, and slightly shocked.

All that lasted only for moments before her face became unreadable again.

"Then better don't let your emotions get in the way again, or it will get us both killed," she said flatly before turning around and leaving the console room without looking back, being all Major of the Solar Fleet again.

And even though he should have every reason to be down now, he somehow wasn't; at least not as much as he would have expected by being left flat like that. But he had the feeling he knew her at least a little bit by know, and her reaction hadn't come completely out of the blue. If his words wouldn't have affected her, if they wouldn't mean a thing to her, she wouldn't have reacted like that.


Sorry for that late (and rather short, but I guess everything that has to be said had been said) chapter. (And even if it may not look like, there's actually some progress in this chapter ;-) ) I'm currently facing the next removal and I'm slightly overtired, both thanks to my ***** neighbours from hell, so probably the updates may be a bit late for the next two months, at most.

Babypanda468, heroherondaletotherescue, 10th Squad 3rd Seat, bored411, Julia N SnowMiko, NeoMulder, Angie2274: Thanks for leaving a review :-)