Azula The Sacrificed
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Azula was dead. At least, she was pretty sure she was. She had never actually died before, so it was hard to be sure.
But it was the only thing that made sense.
She had been summoned by Father.
Grandfather had ordered her death.
She couldn't remember what happened after that.
So, she must be dead, right?
After all, why else would she be staring at her own corpse?
It was a rather numb experience, seeing her body clothed in ceremonial robes and lying upon the altar as the Fire Sages said their prayers. She couldn't hear them, not really, but she got the jist: Daughter of Ozai and Ursa, Fourth in line to the throne, stolen too early from their lives, may Agni guide her soul, etc.
This...also made sense, she guessed? This was why they burned their bodies, so the souls could go free and be guided by Agni's grace into the afterlife. Her body wasn't burned yet, so of course she was still here.
She didn't want to die, she had been very scared about that. But now that she was dead, it all just felt kind of...empty. She was here, and there was nothing that could change that.
Still, she wished the stories had told her what to do, exactly, while waiting for her body to be purified in the flames.
The sages lit her pyre and she was surprised that she didn't feel the need to wince. Maybe the empty feeling was a blessing, allowing her to not be so mortified over watching her former vessel burn away into ash.
She examined the mourners while her body burned. There was an assembly here to pay their respects, but none of them knew her. To the side of the altar was her family.
Her father looking as grim as ever. She expected nothing else...even if she hoped there might have been some regret in his eyes, some sign that her loss meant something to him.
Her grandfather was here. She supposed it would be improper for the Firelord to miss the funeral of his own granddaughter and namesake. Even if he ordered it. He looked as impassive as ever, as if it were a waste of his time.
Her uncle wasn't there. He was still probably marching home from Ba Sing Se. Maybe...maybe she'd say hello to Lu Ten for him, when she was done here.
Her mother...Azula glared pleadingly, mouth upturned into a scowl as her eyes burned. Her mother's head was bowed with a maternal look of sorrow. But that was it. No tears for her? Did...did her mother really think it was good that she was dead, under that mask, that the monster was dead? Or was she containing grief for a state event, no matter how personal? She didn't know and she didn't care which it was, she just...she just wanted to know for sure if her mother ever truly loved her!
Her desperate eyes looked to Zuko. Ty Lee and Mai were not here, that she could see. All her soul's pleading fell on her brother, but she couldn't see his face. He was looking away. He loved her, right? He was sad she was gone, right? He...he hadn't been just saying that to get her out of his hair, right? Zuko wasn't like that! He wasn't like-
He wasn't like her.
He wouldn't...he wouldn't smile at the death of a sibling, like she had when she thought her death sentence had been his instead. Even if he had every reason to. He wasn't her. He wasn't
She stopped trying to see his face and bowed her head. She didn't deserve to see whatever her brother felt now.
She let out a scream of surprise as she felt herself tumbling and twirling as her world grew darker.
She groaned as she picked herself back up. She didn't feel numb or empty anymore. She felt whole in fact. Sadness, disbelief, pain, discomfort, all of it.
Had she passed on? Was this Panasloka, the eternal realm of Agni's favored children?
Why was there so much sand though? She knew deserts could get hot, but she never heard the stories saying anything about san-
Her eyes widened as she gasped before instantly regretting it. She coughed as she crawled back, trying futilely to get away from the grey substance that was coating her clothes and hands, that choked at her throat. She crawled until her back hit a wall, curved and smoothed. She looked up as terror began to overtake her, seeing she was in something almost oval shaped made of a very polished and fine material.
She shakily looked down at the greyness that threatened to swallow her whole and knew what this was.
This was the stuff of nightmares, the story parents told foolish children so that they might...behave. Be good children.
The Penance of Ash.
The legends say, that if Agni found a soul unworthy, he would ban their souls from his domain- and from reincarnation, for those of the faith that believed that extended beyond the Avatar. Instead of passing on, a soul was bound to their ashes until Agni might deem their penance served. For those of the upper classes, this meant being trapped within one's own urn.
To never feel the sun. To never know anything but the taste of thier own ashes and to remain in a darkness illuminated only by their own pitiful soul. To only hear what was spoke to them, if they were ever visited.
Azula panted with tears in her eyes. She couldn't catch her breath. She was dead, she shouldn't need to breath, but Agni's judgement meant she still felt like she did. So that she would always taste her own ashes. Agni had declared it, she was unworthy. If reincarnation, second chances really existed, even those were stripped from her now.
"I'm sorry!" Azula cried out to the lid, knowing none could hear her. That no one would want to. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" she wailed out helplessly, rocking herself in a pit of her own remains.
She thought back, racked her head around for what she could have done to offend Agni himself so greatly, but what did she know about goodness? Of being worthy and unworthy? After all, even her mother knew she was a monster.
Maybe...maybe that was it? Maybe Agni had seen it too, whatever vile thing inside her that made her like she was. Maybe it was because she was so horrid in spite of the gift of blue fire and great potential He blessed her with. Perhaps her wickedness was a personal affront to Him for tainting His blessings?
Her cries turned quiet as she contemplated this. Perhaps it was better this way. There were many tales of monsters being sealed away, in jars and in caves, left to rot where they could trouble no one ever again. That seemed fitting for her, the little monster that was slain before she could grow too dangerous, her soul sealed with her ashes, deep in the Dragonbone Catacombs.
She'd just stay here then. Forever.
Maybe Zuko would visit her.
Just once.
"Azula!"
End of Dream
Her eyes shot open as she instantly sat upright,
She was alive? Yes, yes, she was. This was the infirmary. She was sitting on a bed. And after a quick inspection, there wasn't a corpse of herself in the bed, so she wasn't a ghost. She could feel the blood pumping through her heart, the fire in her veins that surged with life, and the delicious air moving in and out of her lungs.
She was alive, she was okay, she was- not injured in the slightest?
Why was she here?
"Zula!"
The slurred call of her name brought her attention to the only other person in the room right now: Zuko. Why was Zuko here? Why was his head covered in bandages on one side? Why was he sweating and rolling around in his sleep in pain? Why did he sound so delirious? Why was he calling out to her like that?
Why Was She Alive And Zuko Injured!?
Memories flooded back to her. Zuko. Zuko had saved her from Father. Or tried to, since Grandfather didn't really want her dead? That part was fuzzy and, frankly, unimportant.
"Azoola," Zuko sniffled in his sleep, looking like he was ready to cry as he slurred the name more and more.
She was scarcely aware of her own legs as they flung her out of bed, moving to his bedside before she even realized she had crossed the distance. She hesitated, staring at his distressed form. What now? What should she do? What would help?
She didn't know. She didn't know how to help. But as he groaned again, she knew she had to do something.
Careful and uncertain, she reached her hands out towards his. She hesitated for a moment before grasping his hand in both of hers, fingers curling around the palm in what she hoped was a comforting squeeze. "I'm here, Zuko, I'm here," she whispered softly.
Zuko stilled, his one uncovered eye trembling, weakly opening. His eye was glazed, but he was looking right at her. "Az...Azula?" he asked, eyebrow scrunching, face twisting as he forced himself to not fall back to sleep.
Azula nodded before giving him a trembling smile. "Y-yes, it's me, Brother. It's-" she stopped in midsentence. Things wouldn't be fine. Their father was gone after trying to kill her, Zuko's eye must be hurt bad, and Agni only knew what else would go wrong.
"Are you...alright?" Zuko asked, concern bleeding through.
No, she was not alright. She would never be alright. There had never been anything alright about her. But that wasn't what he meant. "I'm fine," she assured, and told herself it wasn't a lie. She wasn't physically hurt.
She almost broke as she saw him smile in relief, releasing whatever hold he had over himself that kept him conscious, falling back into some slumbering realm.
Azula felt tears swell in her eyes. Zuko woke up, just to find out if she was okay. Her, after everything, after he might have lost an eye saving her. He didn't deserve that. Why couldn't it have been her that was hurt and scarred? Why Zuko?
She stood there long after her legs grew tired, but she ignored them and stayed right where she was.
"I promise, Zuzu, I'll be a better sister."
Elsewhere, Azulon was having a conversation he had been steeling himself for. Or he had been, before Zuko had got involved. He didn't need to guess how they knew, but of all nights for little princes and princesses to be spying on the throne room, it had to be this one?
That did nothing to lessen the blow he had received. It was not one of the flesh or words, but of the soul.
Such was the look in Ursa's eyes. How her face could be a carving of fragility and sorrow, but her eyes screeched with a rage like a mother armadillo-bear. If he were anyone else, he might be truly intimidated. But all he felt was regret.
"Father, what has happened?" she asked, her voice soft but her words carrying the weight of thunder. "My husband is missing, I hear my children are injured and the guards will not explain what has happened."
To anyone else, this would look like a lost and confused woman, a wife desperate for answers and a distraught mother. She wasn't. She was a jackal-lioness, sniffing for blood. And so he did not treat her like a fragile woman, but a beast to be appeased. "Ursa, my dear. Do you know why I married you to Ozai?" he asked in a calm, stern voice.
Ursa's mask cracked and she looked at him with confused impatience. "What does that have to do with this?" she asked, barely keeping her tone in check. "Is Ozai claiming some failing on my part?"
"Humor me, my Honored Daughter," Azulon requested simply, not backing down. Technically speaking, she was no match for him. But that implied that Azulon would raise a hand to the mother of his grandchildren.
"We both know why, My Lord," she answered, letting the lack of familial titles be her own warning. "We know who my grandfather was."
Azulon nodded in acknowledgement. "Yes, but did you ever wonder, why Ozai instead of Iroh?"
Ursa paused, and he believed she had an inkling of what this meant. "I presumed it was out of respect for Iroh's beloved wife. And because your second born still lacked one."
Azulon hummed his acceptance. "All these are true, but not the true reason. I considered that marriage to Iroh would have been kinder to you both. You a companion, and he one who might cherish you, if not so romantically," Azulon confessed, taking a breath. "We both know very well what Ozai is like, Ursa. I believed that one such as you in his life would temper him, and his ruthlessness. That having his own family would rid him of his rashest and most irresponsible traits."
"I apologize to have failed on that front, Father," Ursa said, and he knew she meant it. At least somewhat. They both knew that nothing could change Ozai now, but neither of them had been devoid of wishful thinking. "What did my husband do?" she asked, and he could almost believe she was acting as a dutiful wife and not a mother ready to forsake everything, even her husband, for her children.
Azulon didn't answer for a moment, looking off instead toward the Fire Throne. Unlit, but he could distinctly see where the damage had been done. "He requested I make him the Crown Prince."
The words didn't process in Ursa for a moment, but when they did, it was like a blow of lightning. "No, he- so soon? Now?" Ursa muttered in disbelief, her mask in shambles at the revelations. "The fool."
"Indeed," Azulon agreed, glancing back to her.
Ursa looked to him again, and when their eyes met, he wasn't sure what was in her gaze anymore. Was that hatred or fear she was hiding? "What did you do?"
Ah, of course; Both. "I gave him one last chance, to prove he wasn't beyond hope of understanding what it meant to be Firelord," Azulon answered solemnly. "I told him he would never have the throne if he did not learn the same pain as Iroh for his transgression."
Her eyes went wide and they steeled. She said nothing, yet demanded everything with her look.
"I told him to sacrifice your child."
A slap echoed throughout the room.
Azulon rose an eyebrow as Ursa's hand slammed into a pillar, her nails cracking against the polished material. "I wouldn't have begrudged you if you slapped me, Ursa."
"Father, please tell you did not mean to-" her voice was all but a hiss, like some viper ready to poison his blood.
"Calm, Daughter. I never desired to trim the royal bloodline. I only wished to see if Ozai truly was capable of it. If I could see that he couldn't be trusted with his own children, I could never trust him with the fate of the Fire Nation," Azulon promised. "He failed, obviously. For that I stripped him of all he was."
"Everything?" Ursa asked in surprise. "Not just exile, but-"
"Ozai lives only as a man with no title, family and ally to no one, that is to be considered an enemy in all lands of the Fire Nation," Azulon vowed softly. "You never asked which child I ordered."
"Does it matter?" Ursa asked with a glare, even as Azulon smiled. That was enough to shock her out of glaring.
"It did to Ozai," he answered with a disappointed headshake. "He accepted it when he believed it was Zuko, but tried to offer him up when I told him it was Azula's blood to be spilt. And every excuse was of her worth, her potential as an asset and a weapon. Not for an instance did that man ever say anything remotely to mean "You can't ask me to kill my child,"" he said, looking to Ursa with a sorrowful look...and bowed his head. "I apologize, Ursa. For so many things."
Ursa stared in disbelief at the Firelord before recollecting herself. "I...don't know if I can forgive you, Father...but I am grateful that you are not your son. And that my children are alive," she answered as Azulon raised his head, accepting that offering ."Azula?" she repeated, scowling as he nodded. "The guards said it was Prince Zuko that was injured?"
Azulon almost smiled again, and it was almost pride. "I had Yuyan Archers standing by to stop Ozai at the last moment. For I know better than most that saying and doing a deed are two different things. But in the surprise, Zuko was struck by Ozai's fire, believing he was saving his sister after he snuck into the throne room," he explained.
In that moment, Azulon could see that Ursa was being ripped apart by astounding pride in her son's bravery, murderous rage for the danger her children had been in, and unstoppable grief for whatever suffering they both had gone through. "Will he-?"
"He will live, Ursa," Azulon promised firmly. "The doctors say he will be scarred on one side of his face. His eye...we will only know in time."
Ursa was silent, even if Azulon swore he could hear something raging within her. "What happened to Ozai? Why are the guards looking for him?" she asked, steel infesting in her voice.
"Ozai escaped in the chaos," Azulon stated, amending the truth for now. They could address Azula's display of power another time. "He tried to kill them both. As a mere distraction."
"...How could you let this happen?!" Ursa hissed out in a wrathful whisper, her glare refusing to recede.
"Because I am an old man, Ursa," Azulon answered in a hard yet remorseful voice. "An old man who is trying, and perhaps failing, to get his affairs in order before Agni extinguishes my worldly flame."
"May Agni spit on your-!" Ursa bit back the curse, swallowing it. "I'm sorry, My Lord."
"Don't be, Ursa. Nothing we say leaves this room tonight," Azulon promised, turning away with a pause. "Go, Ursa. Be with your children."
She was gone before the final word even left his mouth.
Ursa knew she should be relieved: Her children were alive, Ozai was gone, the Firelord was on the side of her and her children. But all she felt was hate now. The unique, rich hatred only a mother could feel for whatever had threatened her children.
The guards at the door said nothing to her. They had taken one look at Fire Princess Ursa and deemed it best to not say a word, lest they keep her from her son and daughter for another instant.
When Ursa entered, the image that greeted her both froze the blood in her veins and warmed the heart in her chest. Zuko laid there, his princely face wrapped in bandages that concealed his left side. He was sleeping so peacefully though, as if this was all a nightmare. And next to him stood Azula, her hands holding one of his, her stare lacking all malice and cunning. Now her eyes contained only sadness and sorrow as she gazed upon her brother's injured form. They were not Princess Azula and Prince Zuko right now, but a terrified sister watching over her injured brother.
And Ursa was their mother, and their only parent now.
Azula flinched, going stock-still as she felt it. Two warm arms folding around her into an embrace, pulling her softly against the royal robes clothing another's form. She looked to the side in shock, already knowing who it was, who it only could be that might dare to hug her. "M-mother?" Azula whispered, her voice shaking more than she thought it would.
Why was she hugging her? Zuko was the one laying in the bed, injured. Because of her.
"My baby girl," Ursa whispered, her hand rubbing through Azula's hair soothingly. "Are you alright?"
Azula nodded numbly. "Zuko's the one hurt," she stated, as if to remind her mother that she was hugging the wrong child.
Ursa pulled back from the embrace, but never let go of Azula. As if she might disappear if she did. She looked to Zuko and to Azula it looked as if her mother might break as she tearfully gazed upon her wounded child. "My brave little boy," Ursa whispered, hand reaching out to stroke his hair. What he still had.
"I'm...I'm sorry."
Ursa blinked, almost not believing the words as she looked down at her daughter, head bowed with a great and heavy shame about her. "It's not your fault, Azula," Ursa promised, still stunned by Azula apologizing for anything- let alone something so beyond her control.
"Yes it is," Azula insisted, hands trembling at her side. "I...I did this. I told Zuko that Firelord Azulon wanted Father to kill me. Grandfather was never going to let him. If...If I hadn't said anything, Zuko wouldn't have been hurt."
"Azula, that is not your fault," Ursa stated, almost angry as she tilted Azula's chin up. Azula was confused though; How could eyes be so sad on an angered face? "Your Father should have never agreed to sacrifice you, either of you. Your Grandfather should have never drawn that out so far. You have nothing to be ashamed of."
Azula wondered who she inherited her lying from: Her father or her mother. Because her mother told lies like she believed them. She said nothing though but merely dropped her gaze once more.
"...Azula? Why didn't you come to me?" Ursa asked softly, sounding almost hurt.
"You couldn't have done anything," Azula stated without infliction like it was fact. "Nobody could."
"Azula."
The princess froze at the tone, looking up to see the stern, almost wrathful look about her mother, who placed a hand on each of Azula's shoulders and bent down further to be eye level. "You are my daughter. I would have done anything to protect you or your brother," she vowed, as if it was some sacred prayer to Agni.
Maybe it was.
Something caught in Azula's throat, her being trembling under the motherly stare of the woman whose womb she came from. Azula felt her breathing grow labored even though she knew there was nothing wrong with her. So what was wrong with her? "M-mom?"
Ursa's gaze softened. It had been a while since Azula called her Mom instead of Mother.
Azula took the look as invitation to continue. "Can...can you teach me so-something?" Azula requested, her voice trembling as she fought back tears and sobs and screams and- what else was swelling in her chest?!
Ursa looked confused but nodded slowly. "If I can, Azula. What is it you want to know?"
Little did Ursa know was how the words would break her very soul.
"Can you teach me how to not be a monster?"
Ursa stared in dumbfounded disbelief, the world frozen in time for a moment. But her daughter's pleading gaze told her how serious the question was. How much Azula believed it.
"Oh, Azula!" Ursa cried, truly cried as she wrapped her daughter into a hug and let her own tears fall. "Whoever told you that you were a monster?"
Azula didn't answer. She just shook in her mother's embrace before she did something Ursa hadn't heard from her daughter in years.
Her little girl sobbed into her shoulder, little arms wrapping around her larger frame, tiny hand clutching onto her mother as if Azula was the one scared Ursa would vanish.
End of Chapter
And there is Chapter 2. Yeah, if you thought I couldn't outdo the feels from the first chapter, you were wrong. Azula has a nightmare/vision of her death- with a very nasty sentence. Not only that, but she finally got the confirmation that Ursa does love and never thought she was a monster.
And than you have Ursa who, ontop of being raging on the inside, can't believe that her daughter ever thought herself a monster. She almost assualted Azulon for very justified and understandable reasons. All in all, I actually had a lot of fun writing Ursa, more than I thought.
So, I hope you all enjoyed your chapterly quota of feels. Next time will have a...more feels, but also a funny moment to lighten the mood just a bit.
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