Last chapter: Botan almost fell victim to the Lure again, but Ayame arrived with Kurama in the nick of time to save her. Kurama killed the Lure and back in Spirit World, Botan went to what she thought was a repeat of her ferry girl training, but instead found Hiei had been sent to counsel her following her experiences with the Lure. Botan confessed to Hiei that the one thing she wanted most from her hallucinations was him.


Chapter 9: I am Lost

"But… That can't ever be a reality, can it? You couldn't ever… You wouldn't ever want to… We won't ever be… Right? Right, Hiei?"

"I…"

"Hiei?"

Hiei breathed out four words, his voice sounding so unusual, Botan was unsure she had heard him correctly. He was still looking her directly in the eye, but he looked almost scared: it was a look she had never seen on his face before and could never have imagined ever seeing.

"I can't do this," he said again, this time his words undeniably clear. "This… I can't do this!"

Hiei moved away from her so quickly, Botan saw nothing more than a blur, as though he literally phased out of existence where he stood. Her hand was still hovering in the air, where, moments earlier, he had been holding it against his shoulder. Briefly, she felt the remaining warmth of his skin on hers: but the feeling faded quickly. She no longer felt restricted behind her desk, no longer felt the need to move away, and so she instead quietly sat down and relaxed into her place there. Her hands came to rest on the desk in front of her. She looked down at the hand that had been on Hiei's shoulder, moving her other hand over on top of it, taking hold of it in the same way he had when he had held her hand in place against his shoulder.

It felt different.

Hiei's hand had felt warm and rough, she had felt the frayed edges of bandaging around his palm. But, just as she was holding her left hand with her right, he had held her left hand with his right hand too. She was able to replicate the same way he had held her hand, move her own hand into the same position his had been in, placing all her fingers in all the same places his had been. She squeezed her hand slightly, and, for a moment, she wondered if it was real.

If she could do it to herself, maybe that was what had actually happened. Maybe she had been holding her own hand, and maybe she had imagined Hiei's presence. It had not exactly been a very satisfying situation to imagine sharing with Hiei, but the Lure had said anything she imagined was limited to what she knew, and maybe, because unsatisfying moments with Hiei were all she had ever really experienced, that was all she was capable of imagining.

Though when she had been under the thrall of the Lure, she had imagined being in a river with a naked Hiei, and also that he had climbed up a ladder behind her and been looking up her dress.

Botan bit her bottom lip as she felt that familiar rush in her chest at the thought of Hiei wilfully looking up her dress. She squeezed her hand tighter and squeezed her thighs together as an animalistic and illogical urge surged inside of her. She shivered involuntarily, becoming lost in the moment, lost in the idea of Hiei wanting to see her so badly that he would sneak a look at her that way.

"Are you cold?"

Botan shrieked and threw her hands apart, her chair and the desk rattling as her entire body jolted from the unpleasant shock she had received.

"You were shivering."

Ayame was leaning over her, looking at her in that expressionless, cold way she often did.

"Well that was the proverbial bucket of cold water I suppose I needed," Botan grumbled.

"You are cold?" Ayame asked her.

"No, I was just thinking," Botan said with a sigh.

"Well, perhaps that's something you should do some more of," Ayame replied. "I thought, after you were freed from the Lure, the best thing for you was for you to return to your duties, to be more grounded, to be reminded of who you are and where you belong. But that didn't work, since the first thing you did was abandon your duty to seek out the Lure."

Ayame shot Botan a harsh look and Botan slumped under it.

"Maybe a short break would serve you better," Ayame continued. "Maybe a short holiday, a break away from things, a chance to think – to really think – about what you did."

Botan looked up at Ayame, who had commenced pacing in front of her. Her hands were together and concealed beneath the sleeves of her kimono. Her steps were smooth, almost as though she was gliding back and forth. Her expression was controlled and flat, just like her voice when she spoke. She was everything a ferry girl was supposed to be and she made it look effortless.

"Don't you ever want something else?" Botan asked her quietly.

"Something else?" Ayame asked, looking down at her, her face still expressionless despite the hint of curiosity in her tone. "Like what?"

"Something more," Botan said. "Something that's just yours."

"Something more than the pride I feel from serving King Enma and Prince Koenma? Something more than the satisfaction I get from working hard for our world?"

Botan sighed and fought the urge to roll her eyes.

"There isn't anything better than that, Botan," Ayame told her. "Take a break. Take today off. Go wherever you want to go, see whoever you want to see and do whatever you want to do, and you'll see."

"See what?" Botan asked.

"That I'm right," Ayame replied.

"Aren't you always?" Botan groaned.

"You'll come back here tonight, and tomorrow morning, you'll return to your duties, and you'll remember that is your purpose."

"To serve King Enma and Prince Koenma."

"Yes."

"As the lowest ranking in this world."

"Yes."

"A mere servant."

"There's nothing "mere" about it."

"Collecting human souls for the benefit of someone who lives a life greater than me?"

"It's a noble role."

"But it has no real impact on the lives of the humans in the living world."

"It isn't meant to."

"Or anyone else."

"Who else would want to have an impact on?"

Botan shook her head.

"No-one, I suppose," she lied.

"Well then," Ayame said, with an air of finality. "I'll leave you to it. Take a day off, come back tonight, get a good night's sleep, then report for your duties in the morning."

"Okay," Botan agreed.

She watched Ayame leave the room before placing her hands on the desk and pushing herself up to her feet. She had no idea where she ought to go and what she should do: and so she resigned to go to the one place she always went to when nothing made sense to her.


"Oh hey, Botan!"

Botan smiled as Kuwabara peeked his head around the doorway in front of her.

"I heard about the Lure coming back," he said, sobering from his cheery greeting. "I heard Kurama took care of that darn monster."

"He killed it," Botan replied.

"Yeah, good," Kuwabara said, nodding his head.

Botan found herself unable to agree with him, as a large part of her wished the Lure was still alive, still around, still there for her to consult. She still felt that Kurama had overreacted by cutting off the demon's head. After all, Botan had only gone back to the Lure to ask it a question, not to become its victim. Again.

"Is Shizuru around?" Botan asked, trying to focus both herself and Kuwabara back onto the matter at hand.

"Is that Botan?" Yukina called from within the house.

Kuwabara looked back over his shoulder.

"Yeah Yukina my love, Botan came to see you!" he called back to her.

"No, Kuwabara," Botan began, shaking her head. "I came here to speak to Shizuru, I'm not really in the mood to speak to anyone else right now, I just–"

"Yukina was really upset when you said her gravy was bad."

Kuwabara had sounded vaguely sinister, and he was giving Botan a strange look.

"Invite her in, Kazuma!" Yukina called out.

"I really can't," Botan said, shaking her head. "I really just wanted to talk to Shizuru–"

Kuwabara grabbed Botan's arm and her words dissolved into a yelp as he pulled her over the threshold and into the house. The house was warm – almost uncomfortably so – and the air smelled divine. Kuwabara ushered her through to the dining room, where Yukina was serving up a meal to Kuwabara's father.

"Another guest, Kazuma?" the elder Kuwabara asked his son.

"Oh, no, I was just looking for Shizuru," Botan quickly said, before either Kuwabara or Yukina volunteered her to stay.

"She's at work," Kuwabara's father answered.

"Ah, of course," Botan agreed with a nod, before slowly gaining a frown. "Isn't it a little early for dinner?"

She glanced at a clock that told her it was half past ten in the morning.

"We're having brunch!" Yukina said cheerfully.

"At least try something, Botan," Kuwabara insisted.

"Here, try this!" Yukina said, scooping up a dumpling drenched in gravy and reaching her arm out towards Botan, almost pushing the spoon into her mouth before she had a chance to respond.

"Oh, okay!" Botan said, holding up a hand. "I'll try it."

She opened her mouth and allowed Yukina to feed her, tensing in anticipation of the worst: but shortly finding herself pleasantly surprised.

"Mm-mm, this is delicious, Yukina!" she said.

"Really?" Yukina asked. "You really mean it?"

"I really do," Botan said sincerely.

Inwardly, she was a little surprised that the gravy was so perfect, but, after a little further thought on the matter, she realised that the horrible gravy she had tasted had been part of the hallucination the Lure had made her experience, and, like everything else that had happened in her hallucination, it was the opposite of reality.

Still, she did find it odd that she had been able to so clearly taste and feel the gravy in her mouth in a mere hallucination. The hallucination appeared to have hijacked all of her senses. Literally and figuratively.

"It is lovely, Yukina," she insisted, trying to hide the fact that she was salivating after swallowing, the taste actually so good that she was sorely tempted to stay and join them for brunch. "But I really just need to find Shizuru."

"Yeah, she's at work," Kuwabara confirmed.

"Okay, thank you," Botan said to him. "And thank you for the offer Yukina. Maybe some other time?"

Yukina smiled sweetly and nodded her head. Botan bowed her head and politely said goodbye to everyone before making her exit. Once clear of the house, she took to her oar and flew off over the city. The first familiar landmark she passed was Kurama's house, where she slowed as she spotted movement in the back garden. Kurama was out tending the garden alongside his mother – who was, and probably always would be, the only human woman in his life. Botan smiled to herself and shook her head. She had thought there was something going on between Kurama and Keiko in her hallucination, but she had also suspected as much in real life, before she started her hallucination. She supposed some of the hallucination had merely been extensions of concepts she already believed or accepted to be true: Koenma had once told her that the best lie was made up mostly of the truth. The Lure had fooled her by making her hallucination real, by letting her see what she wanted to see as a reality: including that Hiei had feelings for her.

Botan sighed, flying around Keiko's house a few times before accepting that she was not at home. It was not that she was looking for Keiko as such, more that she just wanted to see what everyone else was up to, to reassure herself that everything the Lure had shown her was false. She shortly reached the block of flats Yusuke's mother lived in, bringing herself to the front door, which opened out onto a long balcony. She dismounted her oar and banished it before knocking on the door. She heard muffled voices inside the property, but otherwise got no response. She knocked again, this time only waiting a moment before opening the door and stepping inside.

"Hell-oh-oh?" she called out in a sing-song voice.

She stopped in the middle of the living room when she heard frantic shuffling sounds in the nearby bedroom. A moment later, Keiko stumbled out of the room, her hair ruffled around her head, one hand clutching her shirt, which appeared to be half unbuttoned, her other hand by her mouth. She dragged a thumb at one corner of her mouth before smiling at Botan through slightly puffy lips. Her face was flush and her eyes were gleaming.

"Keiko?" Botan said, tilting her head to one side.

"Hey Botan," Yusuke called out, stepping out of the bedroom. "Hey, maybe when you knock on a door, if nobody answers, don't just let yourself in."

He smirked at her and her eyes dropped, pausing for longer than she knew she ought to on his hands, barely holding his jeans closed over his crotch.

"Oh…" she said softly.

"I mean, unless you're the type that likes to watch," Yusuke added with a widening smirk.

"Yusuke!" Keiko yelped.

"She does spy on people," Yusuke said with a shrug. "Maybe she likes to watch."

"Yusuke, you're being disgusting!" Keiko wailed.

"I don't mind her watching if she wants to watch."

Keiko's jaw dropped and Botan spun on her heels, turning her back to them.

"Sorry to have barged in!" she blurted out. "I'll see you both another time!"

"Any time," Yusuke called after her.

"Would you behave yourself?" Keiko whispered to him.

He laughed at her but the sound was cut off as Botan fled the apartment, slamming the front door shut behind her. She summoned her oar, hopped onto it and shot off into the clouds.

Once she was high in the sky, above the cloud-line, alone, Botan found her eyes drifting downwards to the top of her oar. She gripped it in her hand, and, unbidden, found herself wondering if gripping the end of her oar like that felt anything like it might feel to grab onto an erect penis.

She knew exactly what Keiko had been doing to Yusuke when she had walked in on them. She knew exactly what it was, but that was the only thought she had ever given to it before that moment: it was something other people did. She had never thought about doing it herself. Not until that very moment.

She licked her lips in a subconscious gesture, her mind wandering away from anything logical. She found herself thinking about that idea she liked so well – the idea of Hiei sitting in a chair, while she took of all of her clothes, bared her body to his appreciating eyes – but this time the little fantasy continued. This time she imagined herself kneeling down, naked, before Hiei, who smiled at her in a dark and yet sensual way, before standing up in front of her. He unbuckled the belts of his pants and she moved her face closer as he began to open his pants.

Botan screamed as she spiralled out of control and began to freefall through the clouds. She barely held onto her oar with one hand until it was torn from her grasp as she crashed into a tall tree. The tree, being barren of foliage, as it was still January, offered no cushioning as she fell through, onto and around its hard, cold branches. She finally came to a stop, her toes mere inches from the ground, her clothing so tangled in the barren branches that it had halted her descent.

The tree was on the edge of an outdoor food market, and every person present had stopped what they were doing to stare at her.

Botan cleared her throat and untangled herself, landing a little awkwardly. She then stood up, brushed piece of bark from her clothing, picked a few twigs out of her ponytail, and then barely caught her oar as it fell towards her head. She nodded at the people nearest her before walking forwards in a straight line, into the midst of shoppers at the market. She kept going until she reached a stall, keeping her eyes on the man standing behind the stall, who was staring back at her blankly.

"I'll take this," she said as she fumbled around, keeping her eyes on the man in front of her.

Her hand held out the first thing it picked up, and the man took it from her, before placing it on a scale. He told her a price and she held out some coins towards him.

"That's it?" he asked.

"Yes, and you can just keep the change," Botan replied.

"You just want this?" he asked. "Nothing else?"

"Yes, thank you!" Botan said sharply, pushing the coins into his hand and snatching her purchase back from him. "Is there something funny about a lady dropping in to buy just one c–"

Botan stopped short as her eyes landed on the cucumber in her hand. She felt her mind start to drift back to the place it had been right before she lost control of her oar.

"Shut up!" she snapped at the silent man before her before spinning on her heels and hurriedly moving away from the stall.

"Smooth, Botan."

"What?"

Botan kept walking, but turned her head to see Shizuru falling into step beside her. She sighed in relief at the sight of not only a familiar face, but the very one she had been looking for.

"What's the cucumber for?" Shizuru asked. "A very basic salad?"

Botan looked at the cucumber again before turning to Shizuru again. She looked so calm and cool, dressed in pressed tan pants, a white blouse and tan waistcoat, her luscious long hair hanging loose, one hand in her pants pocket, the other carrying a bag of vegetables she had bought from another stall.

"Shizuru?" Botan began slowly. "Have you ever…?"

She moved the cucumber towards her friend demonstratively.

"Bought a single cucumber at a food market?" Shizuru asked, casting her a sideward glance as they walked together. "No, can't say I have."

"No, that's not what I meant," Botan said.

"Have I ever eaten a cucumber?" Shizuru tried.

"No, I mean, have you ever, you know…?"

Botan opened her mouth and hovered the end of the cucumber in front of her face.

"You know…" she tried. "Put one in your mouth before?"

"Yes, Botan," Shizuru replied. "I have eaten cucumber before."

"No, that's not what I mean either!" Botan wailed in frustration.

Shizuru smiled and made a small noise of amusement in the back of her throat.

"Honey, I know exactly what you mean," she said as Botan looked at her.

"You do?" Botan asked. "Oh good."

"But I'm not gonna answer you," Shizuru said.

"What?"

"Not unless you ask me properly. We're both grown women, Botan. Ask me properly, or let it go."

Botan stopped walking, but Shizuru continued on, again making that small noise of amusement.

"Shizuru Kuwabara, you are so mean to me!" Botan cried, hurrying after her and slapping her arm.

Shizuru smiled, putting a hand on Botan's head and pushing her slightly. Botan stumbled and pouted at her.

"You're so cruel!" she complained.

"But I'm honest," Shizuru reminded her.

"Yes, I know," Botan said with a sigh. "That was why I wanted to speak to you."

"You came out here, fell through a tree, made everyone at the food market think you're the sort of girl who likes her dildos to be biodegradable, just to ask me if I've ever "eaten a cucumber"?"

Botan's face dropped and Shizuru laughed openly.

"Come on sweetheart, I'll buy you dinner," she offered.

Botan looked up at her curiously.

"I mean unless you'd rather just enjoy that cucumber," Shizuru added with a smile.

"I only bought it to look natural," Botan said.

"Very natural," Shizuru replied.

"Stop teasing me, Shizuru!" Botan moaned. "I just got distracted, and I fell, and this was the first thing I found."

Shizuru smirked but said no more.

"I'm confused," Botan said with a sigh.

Shizuru looked down at the cucumber in the ferry girl's hand and Botan shook her head.

"I'm serious, Shizuru!" she protested.

"Okay, calm down, sweetie," Shizuru replied. "We can talk."

Botan nodded.

"It's about what I saw when the Lure… You know… Got me," she began. "It showed me things that I wanted."

"I think that's how it works with Lures," Shizuru commented.

"No, but it didn't just show me things that I know I want, it also showed me things I didn't know I wanted," Botan countered.

"Such as?"

"Well… Part of it was how real it all was. It felt so real. I could feel everything, I could smell the scents around me, I could hear everyone's voices, I could see details of faces and scenery like…"

"Like what?"

"Like it was more real than… Than my reality, before that point. It felt so real, and everything it made me feel was so real."

"Are you disappointed you woke up?"

Botan stopped walking and turned to Shizuru in alarm, but her friend continued moving. After a few flustered moments, Botan hurried to catch up to Shizuru.

"Why would I be – I mean, why would I – I just–"

"It's okay if you are."

"It is?"

"Sure."

Botan and Shizuru walked along for some time in silence, as Botan mulled over the revelation she had just had. She was disappointed when she woke up. The real world was disappointing. She had gone back to the Lure because she wanted to go back to her other world, her illusion, the place that felt more real than reality. She wanted to go back to the place where she was the hero of the story, where her existence was an adventure, where what she did mattered.

She wanted to go back to a place where Hiei was attracted to her.

"Did they have movies as good as this in your little dream world?" Shizuru asked, bringing Botan out of her thoughts and back to the present.

They had arrived back at the Kuwabara house and Shizuru was showing Botan a video titled "The Evil Eye".

"No movies in my hallucination," Botan commented, accepting the video from her.

"Then you're definitely better here than you were there," Shizuru replied. "Gimme that, I'll put it in the cooler for you."

Botan felt Shizuru pull the cucumber from her hand, only then remembering that she had picked it up in the first place. Her attention was too focused on the video in her hand to care. Shizuru usually preferred horror films about evil spirits or monsters, but, despite the movie title implying it was some sort of horror film, the cover of the video cassette case defied that. It showed a smoky city street, at night, the smoke illuminated by an orange streetlight and the glowing red rear light of the motorbike that featured prominently in the picture. There was only one person in the picture, and that was the man sitting on the motorbike, in a black silk suit, with white gloves, a white shirt and a long white scarf he had wrapped around his neck twice, yet was still long enough to hang down over his chest. He was looking out from the video cover in a slightly side-on pose, a hint of a sly smirk on his face. His eyes were looking directly out from the cover. Looking directly at her.

He looked a lot like Hiei.

"Come on girl, this one's a classic," Shizuru said suddenly, snatching the video from Botan's hands.

"Oh!" Botan yelped, trying to grab it back a moment too late.

Shizuru kept going, opening the case and putting the video into the video player. Botan looked about herself, realising then that not only were they back at Shizuru's house, but they were further up in Kuwabara's bedroom.

"I don't have a VHS player in my room," Shizuru said, as though reading her thoughts.

Botan nodded, and as Shizuru came over to her side, Botan started towards the television, where Shizuru had placed down the empty video case.

"Sit down!" Shizuru said, grabbing Botan's sleeve and hauling her back.

Botan yelped in protest, but had fallen into a sitting position at Shizuru's side, on the edge of Kuwabara's bed, and the television illuminated.

"I just wanted to look at the video case again," Botan said.

"Just watch the film," Shizuru replied. "There's nothing on the cover that's half as good as the film itself."

"Oh," Botan said, nodding numbly. "O-okay."

Shizuru shuffled backwards until her back was resting against the wall. She then crossed her legs in front of her, on the surface of Kuwabara's bed. Botan crawled over to her side, sitting down with her back against the wall and her legs tucked up at her side. Shizuru smiled at her and put an arm around her shoulders, letting Botan rest her head on her shoulder.

"Don't worry kid, this one's not too scary," Shizuru assured her.

Botan had heard those exact words before and been left having nightmares for days, so she was less than convinced, and remained where she was, a position that made her feel a little safer. The movie started out at night-time, the landscape illuminated by the blue light of a full moon. A slick, winding road cut through the landscape, and the camera moved towards it as the motorbike from the cover of the video came into view in the distance. The motorbike was moving quickly, but it slowed as the camera neared it, eventually coming to a stop. The rider was not wearing a helmet, and was wearing the same clothes he had been wearing on the cover of the video. His head was down, but as the camera moved around to one side of the bike, he dismounted his vehicle and stood up, looking directly out from the TV screen, directly at Botan, as she sat cuddled next to Shizuru.

"You know they say the best lie is based largely on the truth."

Botan gulped. He even sounded a little like Hiei, only his voice was lower and had a vague edge of urgency to it.

"I suppose you think this seems normal?" he asked.

The camera was slowly zooming in towards his face. Botan had never seen a human actor with red eyes before, but she supposed his eye colour was false, an effect for the movie: it was called "The Evil Eye" after all.

"It's almost mundane," he said. "But I suppose that's how it gets you."

Botan frowned, something about his words sounding strangely off to her. Just as she was about to lift her head from Shizuru's shoulder and lean closer to the television, she was jolted back to reality as the man on the screen suddenly stumbled back a step, as though he had been shot in the shoulder. He hesitated, standing at an angle, his head lowered, before slowly righting his position, and slowly lifting his head. He smiled, his lips parting to show his teeth, and Botan's jaw silently fell as blood burgeoned up at the corners of his mouth and spilled out down his chin, in two deep red lines.

"This isn't fun for me," he said, the movement of his lips as he spoke smearing blood over his teeth. "But I'm still here. And I know you can hear me."

Botan felt a prickling feeling in her arms and legs, that feeling she got when she sat in an awkward position for too long and needed to move, but she was too captivated by the face – the face that looked increasingly like Hiei's – that was staring out from the television set, so captivated that she was frozen in place.

"This is only going to get harder, for you and for me, if you don't listen to me," he said.

It felt as though he was talking directly to her.

"You need to end this," he said. "And only you can end this. You start it, and you end it. It doesn't matter what you think, or what anyone else might have told you. You control this. And you can end this. You just have to wake up."

"What?" Botan muttered.

"Wake up."

Botan felt the air grow thick around her, damp and cloying, like it had when she had first found the Lure.

"Wake up, Botan!"

The voice calling to her sounded distorted, and no longer so much like Hiei's.

"Come on Botan, wake up!"

It sounded like Kuwabara's voice.

"Just wake up, Botan! Come on!"

Botan blinked and everything changed.

The world around her became blurry, the air felt much colder, almost as though she was outside suddenly.

"Come on, Botan! Wake up!"

Botan blinked and suddenly she was outside, somewhere dark, somewhere cold – so cold, it felt like winter – and she could almost make out Kuwabara, standing in front of her. He was below her, as though she was on her oar ahead of him. He looked distraught.

"Wake up! Wake up, Botan!"

Botan blinked and everything changed.

"Come on, you can't stay here all night, Botan."

Botan looked up at Kuwabara, leaning over her. She looked at him for a long, long moment, before realising that she had been asleep, at Shizuru's side. She was still in Kuwabara's bedroom, with Shizuru. The movie they had been watching must have finished, as the television was showing static. She turned to look at Shizuru, who had her head tilted back against the wall, and was apparently in a deep sleep, one so deep, even her raucous brother's attempts to awaken the ferry girl had not roused her.

"Come on, I'll let Shizuru sleep in my bed tonight," Kuwabara said.

Botan opened her mouth to protest, but before she could speak, Kuwabara had grabbed her arms and pulled her off the bed and to her feet. Once on her feet, she forgot about arguing with Kuwabara as her eyes landed on the open video case, still sitting on top of the television. She moved over to it, reaching a hand out to it as she heard Kuwabara moving his sister down onto the bed behind her. She picked up the video case and slowly turned it over. The picture on the front was almost as she remembered it, showing a motorbike on a smoky city street, but the rider was gone, and the title of the movie was not what Botan remembered it to be.

"Masterbike…?" she whispered. "But…"

"Come on, Botan."

Botan turned around to see that Kuwabara had somehow managed to settle Shizuru into his bed. She nodded and followed him out of the room.

"Goodnight, Botan," he said.

"Goodnight…" she said faintly as he walked briskly away from her. "Kuwabara…"

Botan felt a little confused, but reasoned that she must have been dreaming, and so let herself out of the house and mounted her oar, taking herself back to Spirit World.


Next Chapter: Botan finds Hiei in the living world and he seems distant. Botan thinks he is trying to push her away because he doesn't have feelings for her, but their mutual friends tell her otherwise. Chapter 10: Don't You Know