It just sucks that you can't flirt with a male being another male. If sex is just meant to reproduce and keep our legacy going, then why does it feel so good even if you're doing it wrong? No matter how reckless I usually am, I know very well the little esteem of the elders and everyone else for me would vanish in a second if everyone discovered I'm as attracted to men as I am to females. What's worse, it's the fact that my plan to open the tribe up to the rest of the world would be doomed if my leadership wasn't desirable. Not to mention what would happen to Caelan. He's part of my plan, of course, but I genuinely care for him as much as I care for my people. And it's hard for me to imagine that to change if he turned out to be actively involved in some dark magic ritual. I don't think that guy would be the same one I currently know as Caelan.
It would be quite depressing for me not to be able to tease the human anymore. I'll admit, I love messing with him in those moments the few remaining memories of his previous life crop up. I suppose in the world he used to live in, most of the things we consider luxuries are beyond ordinary. Not that I won't remind him why I chose that pup name for him every time I can, though, pretty much the same as I used to tease Verissa's fur had become white because of her continuously worrying, particularly about me before she dumped her feelings for me. Which is only right, knowing she isn't carrying my pups for the time being, but most likely someone else's. Despite my flirtatious nature, I mustn't forget where the boundaries are when messing with random females I meet at the banquets. I may get playful with them, although any intentions to get in private must normally stay like that: intentions. Otherwise, I'll be meeting trouble, no matter what my future position is.
However, that doesn't make me totally happy, not as long as approaching another male like one would approach a female can't be considered a sensible thought in my mind or Vulgor's, to say the least. I don't mind the one playing female is deemed as inferior later on or it is regarded as a way of torture or humiliation, I would go on with that, anyway. And I'm willing to try being humped no matter what they'll think of me. Shouldn't that be considered brave? I've always heard being entered the way females are is painful, so resisting that could be deemed as having some really strong will or whatever... Ugh, ranting about it doesn't help at all, not when there's no way to prove there's nothing wrong with people being attracted or others of the same sex. Not even the little boy could help with that, and obviously keeping him away from compromised topics or situations is the best move I can do until we can deal with the language problem.
Setting that aside, there are men in my sights even though I can't approach any of them, and some of them could be considered enough of a threat to forget about them on the carnal side. Tano is a cheater, a very unreliable ally, so much I was never glad of having him around as a kid when training regardless of the obvious advantage he could often be. Still, I've been wanting to get him to scream my name in the bed ever since my reproductive instincts began manifesting. I'm not sure I'd be willing to let him knot me, though, but that little smart ass gets my eyes set on him more often than not, and the idea of breeding him like a female almost makes me forget how dangerous he can be. That's one of his qualities, and I'm surprised he doesn't use it all that often, preferring to show he's usually determined to go quite a bit further than he should.
One of those times he was around back when we were younger was the day the fondest memory of Vulgor I have occurred. I remember very clearly what had happened the night before, even though what I actually saw is all blurry in my mind by now: I sneaked into someone else's house, thus catching a couple having sex in quite a passionate way. What I saw, and especially what I heard and smelled while hiding from anyone watching, made a very big dent in my mind. And to be honest, I'm pretty sure it wasn't just the female's sounds and scent because I could hear not so desperate moans alongside the woman's ones; apparently, the man with her wasn't shy about showing his big member, either. Quite the opposite, since even I could see his shaft from the spot I was hiding in. That's the only thing that remains somewhat clear in my memory, as well as some of the nastier words I learned that night.
The following day, I couldn't stop thinking about the dirty act I spied on, and the fact that it had happened during the rutting season made matters worse. I was a teenage pup with no proper name yet, but my sexual drive was developed enough to cause those events to essentially get me slightly aroused in the morning, and that strange, novel feeling became much worse as the training progressed, getting to the point I couldn't properly focus at all and feared I might explode in the middle of the game. That's why I carefully approached Vulgor and asked him for help, thinking he might know a proper solution to my issue. That was also the first time Tano got in the middle of my plans, and in retrospect, having him give up his questioning out of the blue and obeying like a little pup was alarmingly suspicious, especially nowadays that everyone knows what game he likes to play in life.
Despite that and my own doubts, I decided to carry on. Not only because annoying my moon brother pointlessly wouldn't sit well with him, but because I couldn't properly follow the plan both of us carefully crafted with the sole purpose of being able to get away without being caught. That would be way too bizarre, and even if Tano didn't talk about it, someone else would, and that could only lead to a scolding from the instructor. Vulgor didn't want me to quit, either, despite his regrets of being involved in it. I recall those growls my brother gave me at the slightest sign of hesitation really well. That screw-up was more than obvious by that point for both of us, but our only choice was to keep walking if we wanted to get away with it. My crotch needed help fast and the black, threatening wolf was the only guy I could actually trust my darkest secrets. We came to the world together after all, right?
Unfortunately, it didn't take long for me to find out my moon brother wasn't aware of what he was getting pulled into. His default serious look, even at the time, hid the innocence of a pup who, even though there was a chance he had heard some random, casual sexual chit-chat, couldn't fit such lewd thoughts in his mind properly. Telling him how sexual encounters worked from what I had seen the night before made him arch a brow at best. I was starting to fear Vulgor wouldn't want to have anything to do with sex until I found out his gestures expressed more astonishment than anything else. In the meantime, those images, sounds, and scents came back to my mind, and it was impossible to ignore them or dodge the dent they were making in my psyche. As a result of all that, I eventually began moaning just the way it arouses us, males, when it comes from a female. Horny, needy, even flirtatious in some way.
Vulgor urged me to stop it just as I couldn't keep it hidden anymore, and once my cock was free from its cage, my own scent slowly dragged him into the same bizarre state I was at by that point. I don't think he has ever considered being submissive seriously, but I wasn't willing to present myself to him, either, since I feared the pain would be too much for me to handle. Especially if the black wolf's member felt as big inside me as it looked. Masturbating was out of the question, too, after having heard of countless scoldings to older kids for touching themselves. My lusty mind did have to work hard to get a feasible solution as quickly as possible, something my brother wouldn't be too reluctant to. And the final answer seems to be known outside of our lands as frotting. Quite literally, humping each other and rubbing our shafts together as long as it would take for us to cum.
My moon brother was still hesitant to do any of that, and he probably didn't give in until my own body called for him hard enough. After a brief, awkward moment, our bodies joined in a hug, then I felt in paradise for the few minutes that lasted, not only because of the sexual pleasure but his irresistible heat and grip on my own body, urging me to hump almost as hard or even harder against him if I could put such force onto my hips at all. At some point, I began licking him instinctively, and his response got me a lot higher very quickly. As I felt we could be burning from the sensation at the highest point I was, we ended up releasing our loads over ourselves, trying our best to muffle our moans as we rode that incredible climax together. The tender look we shared for a while was probably the most memorable part of it all.
Ever since that happened, especially as I've grown older, my feelings about that day have been mixed. I'd be lying if I said I regret having done all of that, no matter how screwed we felt after realizing we were covered with that white viscous stuff and how much of a chore it was to clean most of it up. I'd go even further as to confess I actually liked licking the mix of seed from Vulgor's chest, at least the few traces that remained after getting cleaned with grass. However, in retrospect, I wish I had acted in a more level-headed way instead of actually dragging Vulgor into arousal, no matter the time of the year or my carnal needs. The only thing I regret from that day is having made my brother so uncomfortable when I showed him my erection and begged him for help. It was the first and last time I pushed anyone into playing around because I promised myself I would never do such a thing again.
Before Caelan arrived, it wasn't rare for me to fap whenever I had been playing around with any girls or I observed one of the boys I liked being hot and flirty with said girls. Assuming I had the time to recover from the climax and clean up properly before I would be called once again to fulfill my duties, of course. That's a thing I became an expert at by experimenting with my body whenever I had some alone time for acting defectively. Which was a lot more often once I started living in the house I built myself. At those naughty nights, between the thoughts of breasts, butts, and crotches, I couldn't help evoking those happy memories of the day I came for the first time ever, and it had a lot to do with the awesome sensation I shared with Vulgor in the middle of so many trees and bushes, at least for the time we forgot about the chances we had of getting caught doing all that.
Even as I cleaned myself up, once the lust and pleasure were completely gone and what remained was the stickiness of my own wasted seed, I couldn't help thinking of Vulgor, of how our relationship has evolved from the point we humped each other and drove together to a burst. If a pup wasn't supposed to get much love for themselves, even a female, my moon brother was treated as some sort of dangerous creature by everyone. The only chance he had to feel the same as me or every other child was while we trained; even if we were expected to go through rough moments despite not being old enough to have a definitive name, I still felt so sad for the pup who apparently came to life as soon as I was born whenever I saw him at the banquets. Everyone knew the moon stone he carried on his neck was the worst one a pup could have, but in my eyes, he didn't deserve such rejection in general.
Keeping him company in those peaceful moments didn't make him less harsh when he scolded me for fucking up, just as I'm used to. I would always try to excuse myself the same way I'd do with my father, and when my smile got a bit more relaxed... his eyes responded with genuine concern about me, rather than anger, urging me not to be stupid enough to deliberately unleash my father's fury. The only moment I ever felt he was acting pretty close to what anyone else would do was the moment I defended Caelan from the idea of having him die. The human, in fact, was the only thing in the world that has ever made me doubt the black wolf. Otherwise, I usually find the same kind of reprimand I should expect as a result of my mistake in his words mixed with a slight, yet worried expression, almost as if he was begging me to act more reasonably and stop pressing my luck.
I reacted to his own mishaps very differently, though. Unlike mine, which I have been doing for almost my whole life, most of his screw-ups happened mostly while we were teenagers. And they tended to be a lot more dangerous. I guess it was because it was harder and harder for him to ignore other youngsters' opinions or challenges on him, thus getting him to take part in harsh fights with other wolves or showing off how brave or strong he was, often resulting in extremely risky maneuvers that caused my heart to skip more than a beat upon seeing them happening right under my nose. Obviously, the opinions on the events were almost always divided: people were either impressed with Vulgor's abilities or showed clear signs of concern, often disguising them as concern about him teaching younger pups to act like suicides every time they could in order not to say they feared for a bad omen's life. And then there was my reaction and the emotions we males aren't allowed to show.
By the time I had processed everything that had happened to him to some degree, I'd walk to him and start yelling at him with a shaky tone, trying to express fury, but giving away the fright I felt upon seeing those events. My mind was overflown by the still fresh fear of the moment, so great the memories of most of those incidents remain clear inside me, continuing to send strong shivers down my body when recalling those close calls. When he also needed medical attention, by the time I could see him, I was usually livid at him.
"What the fuck is stuck in that stupid suicide brain of yours, brother?!" I'd shout at him.
There were few times the black wolf wouldn't reply, but in almost every case, his reply would sound a lot calmer without hiding any of the heat he carried from the moment. I was the only one he never filtered his responses with.
"Well, I also make that question a lot when you seem to be asking for banishment!".
Even if Vulgor threw my own trash back at me in those uncomfortable moments, regardless of what his intentions were, I couldn't care less about it. Because getting in trouble is a thing, and needlessly risking your own life is a very different one.
"Why the hell do you keep doing... that?! Don't you realize you're putting your life at stake?!".
"That is none of your business, brother!" he'd answer just as angrily. "We are trained to be ready to die at any moment, in case you forgot about that".
"Forget about the stupid training, dammit!" I exclaimed, starting to lose control of my emotions. "You have no reason to act in such a dumb way, even if you know can handle the situation, you never know...".
We'd usually ended up having a heated up argument, but the moment he demanded me to leave, I'd refuse, wanting to take care of him and make him take his time to think why in the world he had acted in such a careless way.
One day, though, the scare I had experienced was so great I couldn't remember the exact events or exchange of furious words we screamed at each other, but I remember very well how tears jumped off my eyes as I spit out all my fury on the black wolf for acting like a suicide. As I feared, he simply stood on his ground, and it only got worse when I heard him bark at me:
"You don't have to be babysitting me all day!".
Letting out a whine and giving a little frustrated jump, I lowered my face and walked right onto a wall in the room we were in, far from Vulgor. I began sobbing lowly while hitting it hard with my hands and knees out of frustration and despair. I don't know how much time I spent doing that, but both hands hurt quite badly by the time my lowered ears caught my moon brother's voice again.
"Can you stop this scene at once? You're gonna make it worse for yourself once they...".
"You don't get it..." I sobbed again, feeling the fear of having the black wolf dying choking me slowly. "You don't understand...".
"Understand the need of YOU, a-among all the wolves in the tribe, to...?".
"If you want to get yourself killed so much, then I don't want an adult name!".
"You... have to be kidding" was his response, surrounded by a tone that gave away his attitude was on shaky ground after seeing my emotions flowing out freely.
"I'm not, you jerk!" I turned around, finally showing him my face covered with tears. "If you die before I'm given a proper name, it will mean NOTHING to me, you hear me? An adult name will be worth nothing unless you can use it! I'm not gonna respond to it if you...".
My sight was so blurry I couldn't see the face Vulgor was making, but I knew he didn't feel in the right anymore once he said:
"Come here, brother".
That's when I walked to him and hugged him tightly, letting my desperate weeps and tears leave my body, onto his shoulder, maybe to expand to the rest of the room, as I begged for one last embrace with my moon brother before definitely losing him. I didn't want him to abandon me, and even if I never saw my mother again since I was like 6, the sheer idea of Vulgor dying was flat out terrifying. My body felt weak in contrast to the other canine's still solid torso, only calming me down enough so that I wouldn't howl out of sorrow.
"H-hey, brother..." I felt shaken by my shoulder, and then a slightly rough grab. "Look at me...".
"Please don't leave me..." I mumbled between weeps.
"Look at me, please!" the black wolf shook me harder, almost pleadingly.
That finally made me react to his request, breaking the hug slightly and facing my brother's concerned face reluctantly. He grabbed my head gently and suddenly, our foreheads and eyes were meeting once again, just like that time in the forest.
The shy smile and soft expression from Vulgor was the most comforting sensation I've ever felt in my whole life. It literally made all my fears of losing him fade away slowly like ashes blown off by the wind.
"I'm not going anywhere, brother..." he mumbled in a calm tone, something I had never heard from him. "Don't you think for a moment I'm stupid enough to get myself killed. I know very well what I'm doing".
"B-but...".
He cut my protest short by locking his lips with mine in a surprisingly tender way. My shock was even more overwhelming than my own concerns for my moon brother's life. It was incredibly brief, yet it felt so sweet and delightful, I couldn't find any sense to what had just happened.
"Did you...?".
He hushed me softly, more or less in the same way you'd do when acting naughty. I don't want to imagine what would have happened if it were the rutting season.
"I'm staying with you, idiot" he chuckled softly. "Just promise this one thing: to fight for your own life as hard as we're told to do for our people".
There was only one possible reply in my mind:
"Only if you promise the same on your moon stone... and don't risk it for nothing".
"Are you part of that nothing, brother?" he smiled lightly.
To my amazement, we both giggled at that silly comment, and I felt so happy and relieved I didn't realize Vulgor had actually joked in front of me for the first time until much later.
"Well... I'd die for you, brother" I eventually replied.
"Don't. Never, okay?".
"Huh?" my ears perked up in surprise as I heard another chuckle from the black, red-eyed wolf.
"If you try, I'll get you out of the fire alive or die in the attempt, got it? We either live or die together, and you're not changing my mind, brother".
"T-that's fine for me...".
We spent the rest of the evening together, trying our best to act as if nothing had happened there while trying to chat about random topics in order to get the flow of emotions to cease. Ironically, we also talked about females in the same way other teens of our age would, but it didn't take long for us to realize it wasn't a good idea to keep pushing that topic, because we were exchanging tender looks and smiles very frequently as a result and we were bound to be caught behaving like a couple at some point. We simply couldn't risk it too much. It was hard to talk about anything else while I took care of him, though, because I tried to shut down any militaristic topics once the events began running around inside my mind. The only thing I could think of that wouldn't get me uncomfortable was religious teachings, but it was clear he'd be even more upset than when we were arguing, no matter what I tried to prevent myself from repeating a sermon word by word.
Once they came to look for me, by no other than Tano, I left the room for Vulgor to rest for the night, showing him my Moon Stone on my hand before losing sight of him. A cheerful smile filled my face when my eyes caught the black wolf imitating my gesture for a mere instant as I walked away with that smart ass. Still, right before we left the medical building's walls, I pulled out a quick "wait!" and turned around. Despite his upset growl, I made a silent prayer for my moon brother, and by the time I faced him once again to leave, he was visibly angry. My own frown was inevitable.
"What's the matter? You traded your patience for your intelligence?".
I've always been such a tease whenever I had some degree of confidence with other wolves, especially girls. That white little thing, however, could only get me to throw knives like that at the slightest sign of annoyance. Which wasn't precisely rare.
There are two wishes that I want to make true before I call my life fulfilled, in some sort of way: to live long enough to grow old and fragile along with my brother, and being able to see him smile more often, maybe even make him happy and sharing my feelings for him more openly, without any fears of being ridiculed. I'm bound to be the next Chief, and I'm gonna take the chance I have to make his life better, less cold. To achieve that, I need my people to open up; exploring the world is the only excuse possible to convince the elders. Yes, the same ones that are roasting my father, and I know my mishaps aren't helping a lot. In a way, you could say Caelan is either an invaluable resource or the ultimate hindrance for my objectives, or both. Not to mention getting my brother and an inexperienced shaman walking on thin ice could summarise all this mess as me being incredibly selfish.
Even if I wouldn't mourn Verissa for too long, my feelings about both the human and the black wolf are as solid as my own physical strength. Ever since Vulgor had a name tree, I've always stopped by it and pray in front of it for his well-being. When I was away on a mission, far from the village, I would also sit down and do that if he didn't come with me. While I haven't been on a trip since Caelan's arrival, I also pray for his sanity as I'm told he must be fighting with his inner demons whenever he's alone. Now that the black wolf is an Alpha like me, I rarely worry as much as I used to, but my head is as filled with the little boy as it was with Vulgor's reckless actions back in those days, usually needing to keep my mind busy in order not to think about him too much.
Despite how urgingly and insistently I look for Vulgor once I come back from a mission, just to check he's fine, and despite how much of a gamble I'm putting on Caelan, my own confidence tells me to be optimistic and cheerful, just like I've always been, and everything will be fine. My chances of the godsend I asked for getting everything to be where I want before my time comes are slim, but I must believe in fate, no matter how much my own moon brother seems to reject most of my beliefs. Knowing he bears all religious stuff and most of anything for me, I'm sure he'll always be there for me. He promised on his moon stone, after all, and so did I. After seeing not even the human has made him break such a high promise so far, I can trust he will be as careful as he can be supportive, even if his face doesn't want to give that away. The human fears him to some degree, but he's into this as much as I am, though that's probably because it's his only chance of getting his ass saved.
Not like I could ever get to choose between one or the other, though. They are both so important to me, despite the fact I still don't know Caelan as much as I'd like. The moments I've shared with the human almost feel like he's been there for half a life. That won't make me shove away my memories with Vulgor, though; not after going through all those difficult and painful moments as teenagers, no matter whose fault it was.
"I love you, too, brother" I would think more often than not before closing my eyes whenever the darkness of the night and my own wouldn't be all that different.
That's something I've always wanted to tell my moon brother, especially while we were suffering together, and once I become the Chief, I want to eventually be able to say those words without being laughed at by everyone.
