Chapter 23

She dreamt of darkness whenever she closed her eyes. Of a million ships lined up and ready to attack Earth if the portal hadn't closed.

Whenever she shut her eyes, she felt the same sense of fear and dread she had when she launched that missile into space, knowing fully well she probably wouldn't return home.

Every time she started to drift off to sleep, she couldn't help but feel the fear that something big was coming. Something they were all unprepared for. Because whoever sent Loki and the Chitauri would be back, and when they returned, she wasn't all that convinced that they would come out on top.

She couldn't sleep. Not really. Not when every time she tried, she was haunted about what could have happened, of the losses they could have suffered. And she never could forgive herself if Peter was injured in the attacks. Or if Pepper's flight had been brought down by a ship. What if Rhodey had been shot out of the sky? Or Ava, sweet, innocent Ava, had been attacked when Loki's men had attacked the Helicarrier? What if Harry had been hurt through all of it?

There was too much to lose. Too many people she cared about could have been hurt.

And she knew every time that she closed her eyes that when she took the missile into space she'd saved them all. But none of it would matter if whomever was behind it all returned to earth. Because then they would all be severely, woefully, underprepared.

So she did what she did best on those long nights where she couldn't sleep.

She went to her lab, and she created, she built, and she made.

She designed suit after suit, ones for different combat situations. Suits that were better adapted for space. Suits that would function underwater. Suits with better weapons, bigger weapons. Suits that could take more of a beating. Suits made out of different combinations of materials that could be more durable. Suits that would discharge sooner so she wasn't leaping out of a building without a suit, hoping it would reach her in time.

But it wasn't nearly enough. Not really. Not when it would just protect her. No, she needed to think bigger. The entirety of Earth was at stake, and no matter how hard she tried, how hard she lobbied, she couldn't convince the rest of the world that it wasn't just a one off. That the aliens could come back. In their eyes the threat had been contained, and the Avengers had saved them. And that was enough.

Except it wasn't. The name Avengers itself suggested they were a reactive team. They waited for a threat, then they reacted. But they needed to be proactive. They needed to plan contingencies for all the cases. They needed to be prepared for threats that could still come at any given moment without waiting for the damage and death counts to rise before actually doing anything about it. Otherwise they were going to lose this fight. They would always lose the fight.

She didn't sleep a lot anymore.

Not when there was too much that needed to be done. Too many lives at stake. And well, she never was the healthiest person when it came to caring about herself and her own needs.

The Avengers had disassembled.

They hadn't heard anything from Thor since he'd left the planet all those months ago. And Barton and Romanoff were off doing their own secret SHIELD missions. Steve Rogers had decided he needed to find himself after viewing the educational materials she'd put together, and he was currently driving around America, trying to take in the culture and reintegrate into society after all this time.

Not that she blamed him. The man had missed seventy years while in the ice. A lot had changed in America. A lot still needed to change. But they were better than they were in the 1900s.

She knew he planned on settling down in Washington after, despite her offer of an open door. He wanted a chance to move out of the city that was so similar yet so different from the one he'd grown up in. And she couldn't blame him, not really. Not when she saw the ghosts of the life she once lived everywhere she looked. She saw her mother's soft smiles whenever she entered her childhood home. She saw Jarvis whenever she saw books in stores that he'd read to her growing up. She saw Peggy whenever she wore the red lipstick her Aunt had loved so much. And she saw Ana whenever she'd cook Piccata.

So she understood the desire to run away from it all. She had, all those years ago, when she moved to Malibu. She couldn't stand the sight of any of it as everywhere she looked it felt like their ghosts taunted her with everything she'd lost.

The only one who stayed despite it all was Bruce. Bruce who'd set up shop in her lab, assisting her in building whatever insane invention she had dreamt of. Bruce who shot Ava worried looks whenever Toni came in with darker and darker bags under her eyes. And she may have the most expensive concealers on the market. But there was only so much one could do to cover up the depth of the bags.

She knew the press speculated on it. The current theories were a mix between drugs, eating disorders, and the fact that she never got any sleep because she and the Hulk were currently in the middle of a torrid affair.

She'd laughed at the last one. Because while Bruce Banner was certainly an attractive man whom maybe in another life she'd enjoy thoroughly, it was clear from a simple glance that the only woman he seemed to currently have eyes for was his cousin.

Not that she thought Ava had any indication of his blossoming feelings.

But if the jealousy over the article showed anything, it was that maybe his feelings weren't all that unreciprocated.

"Toni, did you hear anything I just said?" Pepper asked, breaking her out of her trance, as she saw Pepper staring down at her carefully. She was on the lower levels of Stark Tower, well Avengers Tower as she'd renamed it. But Stark Industries still held several offices and facilities in the building. Just because she'd opened up the higher levels to her newfound teammates didn't mean the rest of the tower lost its' purpose.

"Something about us coming short on this quarter's earnings?" she said, rubbing her temples slightly. It was on days like this she wondered why she didn't just pass over the CEO position to Pepper already and have it done with.

She was getting older, and she was tired. She couldn't keep doing this lack of sleep thing, but really what were her choices? Nightmares plagued her every time she tried to close her eyes, and she didn't know what else to do. She'd be able to rest properly when the planet was safe from all threats. Well, either that or her death. She could sleep when she was dead.

"Very short," Pepper told her, giving her a strange look, "But it's to be expected given New York is still recovering from the attack. The Military wants more weapons contracts, especially after they pulled theirs with Hammer Tech. They're in talks with Viastone but they want to see if they can leverage that to get a deal with us."

"Absolutely not," she said firmly, shaking her head. "Stark Industries shut down its weapons department years ago. We will not be creating any new weapons for the military. Not now, not ever."

"I told them that," Pepper told her gently, "They just thought that after the attack on New York, you might have changed your position on the matter."

She paused briefly, as Pepper's words hit her.

Had she?

She was trying to protect the planet after all. And weapons would be one sure fire way of making sure they were ready for whatever it was that was going to come their way.

And she had been good at making weapons. Hell, she'd been the best. So if Earth was going to use any weapons to protect themselves against this future threat, then her weapons would be their best bet.

But even with that said, once she sold the weapons to the Military, she had no hand in what they were used for. She couldn't control if they sent it off at an alien ship or at innocents in the Middle East who were caught in the cross fire. She couldn't stop them from using her weapons then so what made her think she could help them now?

No, their best bet was still preventative measures. To launch a satellite into space which would give them ample notice of any threats. To build a giant shield around Earth to protect them. Not more nukes and missiles.

"No," she said simply, "If they want to bargain with Tiberius Stone for contracts then that's on them. But Stark Industries is done with that. We will keep our contracts with them for our defensive measures and nothing else."

Pepper nodded, "Good, I'll send them a formal response on our position on that matter."

"Anything else?" Toni asked, looking at her with heavy eyes.

"Many more things," Pepper said, "But none of them matter since you look like you're dead on your feet. Toni, have you been sleeping?"

"No time," Toni laughed wryly, "I have a company to run, new tech to churn out, and to be a superhero. I don't have time for sleep."

"There's always time for sleep," Pepper told her softly, "Toni, you're going to kill yourself if you keep running yourself ragged like this. You need to rest. You have Ava helping you with Research and Development, as well as Dr Banner, now that we've hired him as an official consultant for Stark Industries. And I can take on more of your responsibilities. God knows you already have so much on your plate. You shouldn't be sacrificing your rest like this. It's unhealthy."

"And I always was the epitome of health," she said sarcastically. "I'm fine Pep. I just really need to get some new designs into the pipeline then I'll have some time to take a break. But until they're out, there's nothing I can do about it."

"Toni," Pepper said warningly. "You know this isn't all on you right? You're not the only one responsible for the safety of our planet. There are seven billion people on this world. You can share some of the burden of their protection with other people. Bring in the UN; this is what they're there for. Talk to some of the other scientists. I'm sure they'd have some great ideas themselves. But you cannot do this alone. You need help Toni. Or you're going to end up killing yourself."

"I'll be fine Pepper Pot," she said fondly, "Besides, none of their plans ever hold a candle to anything that I can think up so it doesn't really matter. I'll get it done, and when I think we're finally safe, I'll take a break. I need to do this. Otherwise I don't think I'll ever be able to properly rest."

"Resting never was your forte," Pepper said with a sigh. "Toni, please. I'm not asking you to stop trying to protect everyone. I know that you never would be able to do something like that. I'm asking you to just take a break every once in a while. Just close your eyes for five minutes and take a step back. Your work will still be waiting there for you when you're done."

"I see them," she told Pepper softly. "Every time I close my eyes, I see all those ships ready to attack us. I see my suit begin to crack from the coldness of space and begin to shut down. The fear I felt all those months ago comes back like I'm reliving the moment. And the only thing that helps is building something so it never will happen ever again."

Pepper's face grew concerned, "Toni, you aren't alone in all of this. You have friends and family who love and care about you. You need help, professional help. You suffered a trauma, and now you need to be able to move past all of this. I can look up some therapists in the area, see if I can't get you the help you need."

"No!" she said quickly, as Pepper looked at her in surprise. "I don't need help, I'm fine. Really Pepper. I just need to be able to get to work and try and move past all of this."

"You're not fine, Toni," Pepper narrowed her eyes. "You're anything but fine. But I can't make you talk to someone. Just promise me that you'll talk to somebody. It doesn't need to be me. But James has a lot of Military experience. If anyone knows what you're going through, it would be him. Or even Harry or Bruce. Just promise me you'll talk to someone."

She sighed as she saw Pepper staring at her.

She knew the conversation wouldn't end, not until she at least pretended to give Pepper what she wanted. So she sighed and nodded. Pepper didn't look convinced, but thankfully for her she let the subject drop.

"Now back to this quarter's earnings," Pepper said, bring back her COO voice as Toni listened to her friend, trying to push the panic out of her mind as she focused on Pepper's voice instead.


Toni sat in her office, trying to make sense of the quarterly reports that Pepper had left in her office. She wasn't worried about the drop in their stocks, given that most companies had suffered a hit after the New York attack. A lot of people had sold their stocks in the aftermath, terrified that the world was going to end and that they'd need all the money they could get. Grocery stores had been wiped out for weeks at a time, everyone trying to stock up on as many non-perishable items as they could get.

Only now was the world starting to relax and get back to normal.

Everyone was starting to move on.

Everyone but her.

She knew she needed to try. Knew that what she was doing wasn't healthy. That she needed to open up to someone and not carry the weight of the world on her shoulders.

But she was a Stark. And Starks did not break, nor did they bend.

She would find a way to save the world, even if it meant losing herself in the process.

"Miss?' JARVIS called out for her. She looked up at her child to see what it was he was getting her attention for. "Mr Ben Parker is here to see you."

She frowned, she didn't think Peter was coming to visit today. Had she missed something?

"Did Peter and I have a session for today?" she asked, trying to pull up her calendar on her StarkPad.

"No Miss," JARVIS said, "I believe Mr Parker wished to discuss some matters with you."

"Oh?" she said in surprise, "Send him up J."

She stood from her desk, as she waited for the elevator to bring Ben up to her level.

"Miss Stark," Ben said, greeting her with a strained smile.

"I thought we established you calling me Toni," she tutted lightly. "What brings you to my humble abode, Mr Parker?"

She gestured for him to take a seat across from her desk and he nodded as he moved to sit down in the chair.

"How have you been doing, Toni?" Ben asked her softly. "How have you really been doing?"

"I'm fine," she said with a slight frown. It seemed like those words left her mouth often over the last few months, and she wondered if she said them often enough if they'd come true.

"You're not fine," he told her gently, "Toni you're suffering from PTSD. Do you think I don't know the signs? I'm a cop. I've seen my fair share of men and women suffering from it after stressful situations. Denying it won't make it go away. You're killing yourself slowly by running yourself into the ground."

"I'm doing fine, Ben," she affirmed. "I'm doing what I need to, to be able to move past this. Sitting around and talking about my feelings won't change the fact that aliens attacked us. It won't change the fact that at the end of the day we're still vulnerable. And it won't change the fact that whatever it was that came for us is till out there, and that they could return at any moment. We're not prepared Ben. You saw what they did. We barely were able to stop them and that was just the scouting party! What if the rest of them made it through? Do you think we stand a chance against them? Because we don't. I might not agree with how SHIELD went about trying to deal with the situation, what with them making weapons out of the Tesseract, but they were right that we need to do something. We can't just wait here until they come back. Otherwise we're sitting ducks, burying our heads in the sand and hoping that whatever it is that attacked us won't ever come back."

"I'm not disagreeing with you, Toni," Ben told her softly. "You're right, what happened was terrible. And we don't have a good way of dealing with it. But at the same time, what you are doing is not healthy. Both of those statements are equally true. You need to take a step back and re-evaluate things. Otherwise think of the example you are setting."

She grew cold at that, as she looked up at Ben. Suddenly, the reason for his visit made more sense to her.

It wasn't about her at all.

"Why are you here, Ben?" she said tiredly. And she was. She was tired of all the games, tired of all the whispers behind her back. She was tired of trying to constantly cover all bases, only for new unknown variables to be thrown at her. How was she able to ever calculate things efficiently on no sleep when everyone kept changing the equation?"

"What you're doing isn't healthy, Toni," Ben told her softly, "You know that as well as I do. You can deny it all you want but you're suffering from PTSD. May and I agreed to let Peter be mentored by you as long as it was in his best interests. And him seeing you like this isn't. I don't want my nephew to think it's healthy to try and sweep away all his issues and pretend like everything is fine. I might not have any control over what it is that you do. But he deserves better. He deserves to know that it isn't right for him to grow up thinking that it's better to run from his problems than to face them head on. That it's better to slowly kill himself and suffer in silence than accept help."

"Meaning?" she asked, narrowing her eyes.

"Until you work through whatever it is you're going to, I think it's better if we put a pause on your mentorship with Peter," Ben told her gently. "You need to work through your issues, and I have no doubt that you will be able to move past this, Toni. You're one of the strongest people I know. But until then, I think it's better if Peter didn't have a front row seat to watching you kill yourself slowly."

"I see," she said, taking a deep breath. "I understand. I'm hardly the shining example of healthy behaviour. I'm just surprised you let me mentor your nephew for as long as you did. But I won't hold it against you. You only want what's best for him. And clearly I'm not what's best for him."

"That's not what I'm saying, and you know it," Ben told her firmly. "We're very grateful for all that you've done for our family. Peter has never been happier than he has when he gets to build things with you. But it does not change the fact that what you are doing is not healthy. You need a break from everything. And hopefully when you make strides to recover, we can see about getting Peter to work with you once more."

"I understand," she said, putting on her best press smile, one she had patented all those years ago when she pretended, she wasn't dying inside over all the barbs that the press threw her way."

"I'll see myself out," Ben nodded at her, "Take care of yourself, Stark. The world would be worse off without you in it. I just wish you could see that."

She waited til the man left the room, before she began to shake.

He wasn't wrong, was he? She was a mess. And Peter was too pure and innocent. He didn't deserve to watch her throw away everything while trying to make a difference. He didn't deserve to watch her kill herself slowly while trying to make the world a better place. He didn't deserve to watch the train wreck that was her life. No, it was for the best really, if he was away from all of it.

She wondered if she could go to Malibu for a few months. To throw herself fully into SI and pretending that everything wasn't falling apart around her.

A sob escaped her as pain filled her chest. Why did it feel like she was losing everyone once again? Peter had left, the Avengers had run off to do their own thing as they left her to deal with the aftermath, Rhodey was off on a mission, and Pepper in California with Happy. The family she had built for herself was crumbling all around her and she never felt so alone as she did in that moment.

She was a Stark, and Starks were made of iron.

They didn't break, nor did they bend.

But iron still could rust if it wasn't pure enough. If it wasn't strong enough.

And she didn't know if she was strong enough.

"Miss," JARVIS said softly, "I am here for you. DUM-E, U, and Butterfingers are here for you. We all love you and none of us would ever leave you. You are not alone. If only you knew just how much we all love and care about you."

"Thanks Baby," she said with a watery voice, as she looked up at one of his cameras. She couldn't help but wonder if they would still love her if it hadn't been her who brought them all to life.

"You are our mother, and we would do anything to protect you," JARVIS said gently. "We will always be here for you, no matter what."

She let another sob escape her, as JARVIS spoke soothing words to her.

"Perhaps I may place a call to Colonel Rhodes?" JARVIS asked her carefully, "Allow him to reassure you that none of us are leaving you. Even in his distance, he cares about you greatly."

"Sure, J," she said softly. What did she really have to lose anyways? He was already leaving her, but at least this way she could pretend that he was still in her life for a few more moments.

"Dialing Colonel Rhodes," JARVIS said, and she listened to the dial tone ring slightly, heart pounding more and more with each passing moment. She wondered what it was that he would say. What would he think of how she'd been trying to handle everything?

"Toni?" his voice came over the speakers in her office. "Is everything alright? I just got back from a mission, and still have a lot of paperwork to file after it all. Did something happen? Are you okay?"

She took a deep breath, trying to think about what she was going to say. She could lie of course. She could pretend that everything was fine. Like she wasn't secretly dying on the inside. She could tell him that she'd made a mistake in calling him or that she simply wanted to hear his voice. All of which would work.

But instead she took a deep breath, "No," she said, voice wavering. "I'm not fine, Rhodey."

There was silence on the other end, as she heard him shuffle around the room, "I'm packing up my things, Baby Girl. I'll be there by morning. But until then, why don't you tell me what's wrong?"

A sob of relief escaped her, and she broke down, telling him everything that had been plaguing her mind for the last few months.