Chapter CXX
Doctor
"Shields," Mira said after they had gone back into the TARDIS. "Don't forget to activate the shields again."
He looked up from the console where he had flipped some switches. "Up," he confirmed and smiled his best and most enthusiastic smile at her. At least he hoped it came across like that. In fact he was just tired right now. Not physically tired, but emotionally. "So, where to next? Dinosaurs?"
"Shower," she just replied. She looked as tired as he felt, making no attempt at hiding it. "Besides, I'm done with things crashing down to Earth. Knowing our luck we just might get there on time for the meteorite that wiped them all out."
"Well, then no dinosaurs." He put the TARDIS into drift mode.
"How's your arm?" she asked and walked over to him, trying to get a look at his upper arm where the halo of the Host had hit him.
"Ah, it's fine," he replied. "Look, it's almost healed. But the suit's a mess."
"So is my dress," she replied. "Anyway, I really need a shower and change of clothes." She hesitated for a moment, then gave him a hug. "See you later."
...
He had changed back into his brown suit as well and had waited for her in the console room for a while, but she hadn't shown up. She wasn't actually angry at him, was she? Sure, he had heard what she had told him, and it had been more than anyone had ever told him, but sometimes humans just said things to hide their true feelings because they were too hurt.
He started to wander around the TARDIS, finding himself drawn towards the observatory. He would have liked to say it was his intuition leading him there, but in fact the TARDIS had given him the hint. Which was a good sign, wasn't it? Had Mira wanted to be alone the TARDIS would have respected that. At least so he thought. And indeed he found her there. On the floor, on a blanket, on hands and feet and her backside up in the air. She turned her head as he entered, peering at him from underneath her armpit.
"What are you doing?" he asked puzzled.
"Yoga," she replied without changing her position. "Downward dog." Now she lowered her knees and then came to sit with her legs crossed. "Or a fancy way of doing push ups, lunges and stuff. I'm out of shape."
"Isn't downward dog a resting position?" he asked and sat down next to her. She had showered and changed into a black shirt and black leggings, her hair in a bun.
"Why do you ask what I'm doing if you already know it?"
He just shrugged. "Ah, you know..." He could feel the warmth coming from her body, hear her heart beating fast. "How long have you been at it?"
"Half an hour maybe? Long enough." She got up and went over to the couch. "What?" she asked after a while as he wasn't getting up.
"Nothing," he said and finally stood up, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
"Did I do something?"
"What!? No, no no, you didn't do anything, it's-"
"Oh, Astrid? I'm so sorry. But it wasn't your fault. And she saved us all. And Earth."
He finally sat down next to her. "I know."
"But that's not the point," she added quietly. "She's dead and blaming it on Max won't bring her back. And I'd really like to be able to say that he deserved his fate, but that won't bring back anyone. Not her, not Morvin, not Foon or Bannakaffalatta. Or anyone else on that ship. So many people." She shook her head, blinking tears out of her eyes.
"Do you believe Max deserved to die? Are you glad that he's dead?" he asked as quietly as she had spoken.
"I don't know. I honestly don't know. It's not a simple yes or no answer. He was the only one who had a choice here. He had started it all. Played high and lost. But then again, I don't know what let him to become a cyborg in a society that despises them. But, whatever happened, is no excuse, not even an explanation for what he did. Sacrificing a whole planet for his plans – there's just no justification for that." She paused and looked up to the stars. "I guess a part of me actually thought he deserved it when I saw him falling. My more impulsive part. But as Copper said, if we would be the ones to say who lives and dies, that wouldn't make us any better. We're able to reflect on our feelings and impulses, and we have the responsibility to do so. Especially on the bad, dark, socially not accepted ones. Just denying them might turn is into monsters one day." She turned her head and looked at him. "I guess the answer is that in the end I don't really care what happened to him. He chose his fate. It was his actions leading to all this."
He pulled her into his arms without saying anything. For a moment she stiffened out of surprise, but then she was resting against him and he against the corner of the couch. She was right. There was no use in denying feelings and impulses, however inappropriate they might seem at first. But it was every intelligent beings duty to reflect on them. That was the only way to grow, to evolve into something better.
"Is it true?" he said after they had sat in silence for a while. "You would let me go if I couldn't be happy at your side?"
"Why are you asking that now?" she asked, an alarmed tone in her voice.
"Don't know," he replied. Well, he knew exactly why. He had thought about it. He couldn't remember someone ever talking to him in such a selflessly, generously way. Literally putting his well being, his happiness above her own. He wasn't so sure he was prepared to do the same thing. The time might come when there would be a way back home for her. He couldn't follow her. And he knew that she would never be truly happy here. She was only okay with it for now because they had managed to send a message back home to her people.
"You do," she replied. "You never say anything without a reason."
He sighed. Fine. He had started it after all. "I will have to let you go at some point." He could feel her emotions change as the implications of his sentence sunk in. He realised she hadn't put up the walls around her mind. And even though they weren't communicating telepathically, they were close enough to get a hint of each others emotions.
"At some point," she said quietly. "Not now. Let's not think about things in the future."
"I don't want you to go back. But you're not happy here," he said, ignoring her. He had never been someone to stop people from leaving him. He hadn't even tried. And certainly he wouldn't actually stop her. But he wanted to. He wanted her to stay with him.
She turned around so he had to let go of her, and looked at him, tears in her eyes again. "I can't stay here forever. Maybe a bit longer, maybe, if there is a way back at all, it's more stable this time, so I can go whenever I want, but-" She stopped and shook her head.
He understood. When she was talking about staying here forever, she actually meant forever. He wasn't immortal whilst she could, in theory, live forever. He would die at some point, leaving her all alone.
"Maybe I could come with you?" he said.
They looked at each other for a moment longer, both knowing exactly that this wasn't going to happen either. He would be fine in her universe, but the TARDIS wouldn't survive. He couldn't do that. There was no way he would leave the TARDIS behind. She would die without him here just as well. Then she leaned against him again. "I would like that. You could meet all my friends. I can totally picture you can Gucky together. The new dream team."
"I could meet your father. You think he'll like me?"
"Definitely."
"You could show me Terrania."
"I would. I could show you even more places. We could go on vacation. I deserve some time off."
"But not on a cruise ship," he said.
"Nah, we would rent a space jet."
He would actually like all that, even though he knew it wasn't possible. But why not dream a little. "Isn't that expensive?"
"I have connections," she replied and grabbed another blanket from the couch, covering herself with it. "And no shame in using them."
Very short chapter, I know, but now we'll finally continue with Donna.
OneWhoReadsTooMuch, NicoleR85: Thanks for leaving a review :-)
