Five days to go
"Jesus christ." Tony sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Do you ever wish we could return the bastard's millions to get out of this paperwork?"
"Frequently." Janet said. She too preferred the chase. All that was left was a list of bureaucratic tasks in an office that fell flat without the thrill of the hunt. She did not like tidying up. And there was something else that she missed. For the life of her, she couldn't understand how someone so quietly and insistently present was suddenly not there because of her own ineptitude. As the lonely weeks had turned into a month, she could swear that she saw less and less of her. There was no more milling about beyond the window of her office, allowing her to admire from afar the self contained efficiency with which she went about her work. Bianca seemed to be somewhere else a lot of the time. The less she saw of her, the more she occupied her mind. She winced, hoping Tony would equate the frustration with their current task. Why hadn't she held on tighter? Why did someone need to be taken away from you to fully feel what they meant to you in the first place?
As she remembered moments from the past few months, she unearthed more and more occasions where Bianca was gently trying to open her up, inviting her to share her load with genuine care and affection. It pained her to admit that all she had offered in return was a closed door. Janet veered from boredom to agony whilst batting back emails and ruing missed opportunities. Until her mind inevitably made its way to the day where she hadn't just shut her out but was actively cruel. Here it was again in all its messy detail; Bianca with wine in hand, love in her eyes and hope in her heart - Janet interrogating her about work, oblivious to anyone's needs but her own. Even more damaging had been the way this exchange had gifted Bianca the resolve she required to end things. It was driving her mad, but in some ways Janet felt she deserved this pain afresh each time it played out to its horrific conclusion.
It was a relief to see the door open, until she saw who was standing there.
"Do you guys have a minute?" Bianca was smiling. She looked almost happy.
It was Tony who eventually replied, "Sure." Janet was suddenly engrossed in the details of the file in her hands, delving further into its mind numbing detail.
"I'll be finishing up here at the end of the week. I'm joining another department next month." Her delivery was calm and measured, just as planned.
"Not what I heard." Tony quipped. "Quite the promotion you bagged yourself...Superintendent Grieve is it?"
Janet looked up, for a split second their eyes met before she found comfort in her screen.
"Well, yes. Still can't quite get my head around it actually. Really - I have you both to thank." She tried to imbue her words with warmth and appreciation, made her way to go as Tony mumbled how much she would be missed. He was not entirely sure he should say something so explicit with Janet in the room. He knew she had been struggling and that something had gone badly wrong.
"Bianca." Janet called out with a touch of desperation in her voice. She held her gaze this time, finding the strength because it was the least she deserved. "...Congratulations."
"Thanks Janet."
She closed the door, walked away and didn't look back. She would be glad when she could finally walk away for good.
If she had turned around a few moments later she would have seen Janet cover her forehead with her hand, shielding the emotion she could no longer contain. She would have seen Tony heave himself over to face Janet square on. She would have watched him say something with a stern expression. What he said was, you better do something now, the clock is ticking. But she was already half way out of the building. She only had four days left.
Four days to go
Bianca was amazed to discover how easy it was to spend the majority of her working day out with the office. Well into a second hour in a nearby cafe, she kept an eye on emails and triple checked various documents requested from the Swiss financial team. She made up excuses to be out and about, confirming things with contacts, being generally unreachable until she had to check in.
Even in the building, it was easier to avoid Janet than she might have anticipated. She found a renewed interest in development courses, volunteered to support others in menial tasks and spent more time in the toilet on her phone organising details about her next post. Anything to lessen the chances of one to one contact. It wasn't like her not to give everything she had to the cause, but her reputation was such that she could afford to coast for a few weeks. And now she realised this was probably how some of her colleagues operated most of the time.
She missed Janet, but she had made a decision. If her career had taught her anything, it was that the important thing is to make a call and stick to it. Indecision always got you in the end. She had no choice but to finish it, because it was the only way she could protect herself from the pain of being an increasingly insignificant bit part player in someone else's life. It wasn't because she no longer loved her. It was because she wanted to preserve her own self respect. Soon she would be engulfed in new people, new politics, new problems. She seldom let work lead to the detriment of her personal life, but she had given Janet all she had, had given the kids all she had, and for once she wanted to hide in the pressures of her career to avoid the pain of not having what she so desperately wanted.
"Bianca?" She glanced up as her friend and colleague approached.
"Andy."
"Hey, congratulations big shot."
"Thank you. I think I'm excited."
"You'll be great. Hey listen, mind if I sit down?"
Bianca motioned for Andy to join him, glad of the company. He took a seat, flattened his tie, smiled his reliable smile. The feigned enthusiasm for her new role she displayed to Tony and Janet had quickly evaporated. Her doubts about taking on the position were never far away, but there was something about Andy that made her comfortable. He was the easiest man in the world to work with and their respect for each other was mutual. He was so...consistently himself.
"So how's things at the NCC? Everything tied up? Ready for the next challenge?"
"Kind of. Just in process of reviewing the necessaries and then Wayne can tie up the loose ends." She stared ahead, not entirely believing how radically different her existence would be this time next month. Where people would be looking up to her for answers, leadership, seeking her approval, plotting her downfall. Power came with its own strange intricacies and she did not want it to steal the self assurance she had made it her life's work to achieve.
"And Janet? I heard she might be going back to the DPP. Can't imagine that will be fun for her, working for Owen. Or for you having to pick up the pieces."
Bianca looked down, said what she had to.
"We're not. Janet and I...it didn't work out." It fell out in the measured way she had prepared. One of the benefits of under cover work was the detachment with which she could deliver painful words, true or not.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know. I thought...-"
"It's fine Andy really, there are no hard feelings there. But no, listening to the fall out of Janet wrangle with Owen will not be my responsibility." She was genuinely relieved that it wouldn't.
"I actually. I stopped to share some news. Lina and I, we'll be welcoming baby number two later this year." His coy smile revealed his contentment. That was it. That was what she liked about him, his contentment with the life he had created for himself. It was sad that so few people had that.
"Congratulations Andy! That's incredible news." Bianca's face lit up in a way it hadn't done for a while. Andy got up to leave, thought better of it and took a chance.
"Bianca this is none of my business, but for what it's worth...Janet is incredible at what she does, but she's a nightmare in many other respects. Lina lost count of the times she patronised her. And my point is, she was a better boss with you around. She was a better person. Janet once told Lina...they were talking about managing kids with work..." He hesitated.
"Told her what?"
"How much she respected Lina, and in the same conversation, how much she loved having you in her life. I don't think that's a coincidence."
"Andy I - "
"Look I don't know what's happened but all I'm saying is, sometimes Janet isn't very good at expressing things at the right time to the right people. It doesn't mean she doesn't feel them."
As Andy left she said thanks and congratulations again. She finished her tea and work, made a quick call to Wayne and started for home. Andy's words had made a small dent, but her defences were still very much intact.
Three days to go
"So, how's things going with your ticking clock situation?"
"Tony..." Janet sighed, ready for an argument.
Tony held up his hands, "I just think it's worth pointing out that this debrief is the last meeting she's required to attend. And she's not around here much these days."
"Exactly. Maybe she's trying to tell me something and maybe I should respect that."
Tony dropped the subject as more of their colleagues filed in, but she knew it was one he would return to soon.
Bianca was uncharacteristically late for the meeting. Wayne greeted her with 'aye aye Chief' and she blushed then told him to behave. Melting at the sight of her modesty, Janet looked out of the window, and then at Tony, who was predictably watching her. She had always found Bianca's shyness endearing, every bit as much as the business mode she now assumed in the meeting. She consigned herself to a difficult hour, caught between the desire to look at her and the now familiar anguish that it caused. Tony must have read her mind again, as he so often did, and made a point of touching his watch.
It was during the meeting that Janet decided she would act. The idea that Bianca wasn't coming back to her, and wouldn't even be around for very much longer, now filled her with dread. Surely it was worth asking, worth taking the chance. And she hadn't really put up much of a fight when Bianca left in the first place, being too shell shocked at each juncture to articulate any reasonable response. She sensed her opportunity as they finished up with their final points, and the group started to disperse.
"Bianca, do you have a minute?"
"I can't, got a lot on Janet, I -"
"Please. Five minutes." Bianca paused, looked around, saw no way out and reluctantly made her way back to the table to sit down. Tony closed the door behind him. She was prepared for this.
"I...have some things I need to say to you." As she spoke she tried to read Bianca, but it was hopeless. There was nothing there but a skilled listener taking in information.
"I don't want us to leave things like this. I know you've made your mind up about me. I was complacent and got a lot of things wrong. But I thought it was worth asking...If you could, maybe, give me another chance to get it right? I miss you."
Bianca shifted in her chair but remained calm. Janet continued, "I know you think I won't change. But I could do better, and I will do better. I'll be back at the DPP soon and apart from jumping through Owen's hoops - I know what I'm doing. I'll make more time for us-"
Bianca couldn't listen to anymore. Her anger at being cornered in work was surpassed by the frustration at what she was hearing.
"Stop and listen to yourself Janet. You're already mentally point scoring with Owen, and I can't see that particular set up bringing you any peace or satisfaction. Also - you never really listened. Time was never the problem. I don't need or want anymore of your time. What I wanted was for you to show me I was someone important to you when we were together. You had plenty of opportunities, and you didn't take them. Not when it mattered."
"Bianca, please. Don't do this."
"I tried. I really did. I can't do it again."
"That day, when you came over. I was so caught up in the chase of this..." she gestured to the walls. "I know it was selfish but I didn't think for a minute you would -"
"I had my doubts for a long time before that. I actually wasn't that surprised, it only confirmed what I already knew. You really lost me the day that you made me feel like nothing for simply trying to support you with your father." It was the first time that Janet had ever heard real anger in her voice. She grimaced, tried to reach over, but Bianca pulled away.
"I still want you." It was true, and Janet simply had nothing else left. Her eyes were pleading now, and she looked sad, she looked tired.
"Wanting each other was never the problem either." Bianca softened, closed her eyes, tried to remember what she had planned to say, but having Janet so close made it difficult. "Thank you for asking. It does mean something to know that you care, but we have completely different expectations about what a good relationship looks like... So no. I don't want to try again. It's not fair on the kids apart from anything else." She hesitated and said something that wasn't in her script. "Maybe...you just needed me to get through a certain part of your life. And when you were stronger, you didn't need or want me quite so much. That's ok. I'm a big girl, I can take it. But I need to move on."
Janet's confused frown changed to a sudden look of panic.
"Wait, no. So you thought what? That I used you as some kind of crutch to get over my loss?"
"I didn't say used. And I don't regret any of it."
"But that's how I made you feel?"
Wayne opened the door. "Sorry to interrupt. Need your eyes on these."
"Not now Wayne!" Janet snapped.
"It's fine. We're done here." Bianca got up and left, clearly glad of the opportunity to break free from her. As she sat alone she contemplated the bleak truth. It was over, she'd brought this on herself and Bianca had no real understanding of what she felt for her at all.
Two days to go
Waking up to the twins arguing about what movie they were going to watch at the weekend was a difficult start to what would no doubt prove to be another difficult day. Janet hadn't slept much the night before, mulling over at length the new perspective Bianca had provided about their relationship and also alarmed by a phone call from her mother, who hadn't been feeling well. Yes she was a respected public figure who commanded fear and awe in equal measure amongst her peers, but she was also solely responsible for bath and bed time, and an ageing parent who would increasingly need her assistance in some form or another.
The space beside her felt like a open wound. In previous months she had the luxury of emotional support from a mature and thoughtful partner. But her own fixation with the relentless pursuit of criminality had somehow blocked her ability to communicate how much she loved and needed that person. To the point where it made her capable of hurting her. Filling the space in her bed when she was younger was about pursuit and fun, but at this stage in her life it was about surviving the encroaching responsibilities of being a paid up professional adult. To make it worse, she only appreciated now that Bianca had fully met both needs - someone who she desperately enjoyed physically, and someone who could be there to share the complexities as well as the joys of family life. She didn't really know how she had got it so wrong, but she was determined that she wouldn't commit herself to work with quite the same gusto until she had finally addressed the fatal flaw that was also behind her lauded achievements. A gnawing feeling inside reminded her that she also had form here. It still brought her to tears to think Ash felt like an obstacle in her path, and she couldn't hold it against Bianca for having the sense to avoid someone who was capable of treating the people she supposedly cared for with such callous indifference. It wasn't the fault of the only two people she had ever been in love with; she was the problem. She had to side step the law, had to step away from the pursuit, if only until she found her footing in all other areas of her life.
Her immediate task for this morning though was getting the kids dressed and out of the door. She listened in amusement as they debated the merits of Sonic the Hedgehog vs Pokemon, secretly hoping that they would opt for the former because she couldn't make head nor tail of the alternative.
"I vote Sonic so we have a winner." She said.
"What about Bianca? She likes Pokemon." Came from Emma.
She stalled, tried to keep calm.
"I think she's busy this weekend. Come on, grab your bags, we'll be late if we don't get a move on."
It wasn't the first time they had mentioned her. Surprisingly it wasn't just Liam, though Emma still wouldn't concede to his use of 'Bibi'. After the conversation yesterday, she decided it was time that they knew she wasn't coming back. She started to mentally prepare what she would say when the movie had finished.
What the kids started her colleagues duly continued. Everyone was talking about Bianca's leaving night and it was Bonnie (as it so often was) who pushed her too far during a trip to the bathroom.
"Hey Jaz. Can't believe Bianca's going. You coming out for drinks?"
"Actually Bonnie you are the third person to remind me of Bianca's leaving drinks this morning." Janet slowly closed her eyes, grabbed the edge of the sink and tried not to scream. "I am very much aware of her imminent departure. And no, I will not be coming out for drinks. That's because I love her. I adore her actually. Despite the fact she's made it clear I've single handedly destroyed all hope of us ever having a relationship, because I'm a selfish, stubborn, excuse of a romantic partner who couldn't be trusted to turn up for date night never mind an attempt at emotional maturity or connection. If you really want to know, I'll be glad to see the back of her." At this she stumbled, it was so blatantly untrue, "Because I can't bear to look at her. Now if you'll excuse me."
Janet left a bemused Bonnie open mouthed, shaking her head in disbelief. She smirked and leaned into the mirror to fix her lipstick. The toilet door behind her slowly opened as she watched Bianca emerge, phone in hand.
Bonnie paused mid ritual, "My opinion? You're better off without that stress in your life. Talk about high maintenance."
Bianca grinned, watched Bonnie strut out and let what she'd heard settle as she grabbed onto the sink just like Janet had done. She took a deep breath, forcing herself to look at her own reflection. Was she making a mistake? Would it really be so bad to try again? Trust Janet to shake her certainty. Janet and her words; Janet and her passion. It was one thing to observe her use it for justice, but it was quite another to hear her use it to describe how she felt about her.
Later that evening, it was Bianca's turn for a sleepless night. Overhearing the monologue in the toilet had set in motion a train of thought that she couldn't switch off. It had to do with her previous long term relationship. Janet never asked, and so never knew, about the ten years she had spent with another cop, ending just a few months before she had been requested for the commission. Said cop was very nice, emotionally competent and loved Bianca. But something had changed over the years, until they were so in sync with each other's lives and attitudes that they may as well have been the same person. It was comfortable, and comforting, but it wasn't exciting. By the end, they were friends and little more. Bianca had left her, assuming that she was breaking her partner's heart, only to find that she had been having an affair with another officer for quite some time and just hadn't wanted to say. In the end her only regret had been leaving it so long, and for beating herself up about an intense crush she developed on a very assertive senior prosecutor she had once worked with.
So it was painfully ironic to her now, as she tossed around her bed, that what seemed to be the problem with Janet was the very reason she had left someone else; with Janet there was too much friction, too much conflict. They were wildly different, and that had been the reason she tried so hard. Bianca could not ever imagine being in a room alone with Janet and not ferociously wanting her. But the price seemed to be a disconnect in emotional needs, and she was not as prepared to accept that as she would have thought. So hurt had she felt at times, she had been in touch with said cop. She was no longer with the other officer and asked Bianca if she wanted to try again, put the 'learning episode' behind them. Alone at night, the space beside her a vast expanse, she was more than a little tempted. Until today. Bianca accepted that she was now open to the possibility of changing her mind, but not concrete about actually doing so. She would see how she felt tomorrow when she was potentially saying goodbye for the last time. She'd allow herself to feel whatever it was she felt, and take it from there.
Last Day
It turned out the game of avoiding Janet wasn't very much fun when she definitely wasn't in the building. When Tony confirmed she would be at meetings all day about potential new career moves of her own, Bianca felt instantly bereft. The faint chance of reconciliation that she was considering dwindled to nothing.
She had to find it in herself to put on a brave face for the rest of the day, because she was the absolute centre of attention in an office where people were bored out of their minds and in between targets. Going through the motions of well wishes lost its appeal when she knew a restless Janet wouldn't be looking on. She understood she should be grateful for the pleasantries and kindness on display, but it all felt hollow without her presence.
"So we clubbed together and got you a bit of a gift." Wayne said, handing her a heavy box and advising her to be careful.
" Aw thanks guys you shouldn't have." She felt her face flush. She wanted this part of her day to be over. Inside the box she found a variety of beer bottles from god knows where. Wayne explained -
"It's a beer subscription service. So every month for a year you'll get all these beers from around the world straight to your door."
"You're gonna need them!" Tony joked.
"Wow. Thank you. This is nice. You know me very well." She smiled.
The rest of the day was a blur of goodbyes. She was disappointed that Janet hadn't made the effort to be there at some point, to acknowledge some kind of ending. Feeling a sudden wave of exhaustion, she considered that maybe it was for the best. She made her way home, put what appeared to be a beer from Scotland in her freezer and turned up her 'going out' playlist. Bianca had no problems when it came to relaxing, and Bianca would be fine.
Janet on the other hand, was not so skilled in this department, as her mother enjoyed pointing out. No matter how hard she tried, whenever she eventually did switch off, it never felt very...relaxing. She could hardly listen to a song in full without changing her mind about what she wanted to listen to, and normally by the time she settled to her own company, she was fed up with it. Determined that this night would be different, she picked up a bottle of white wine that was more expensive than her usual, let the twins eat beige food normally the reserve of birthday parties and decided in advance to watch the latest Oscar nominated offering on Netflix. Anything to take her mind off where her colleagues were.
It was getting on for eight thirty when she let herself fall into the sofa, exhausted from the emotional pulls of the week and the rigours of the twin's nightly routine. She decided to call her mother, see how she was and tell her about the little adventure she had been on that day. Janet had been unusually spontaneous, and changed the direction of her life. The night before, still stuck in a mental loop of her greatest mistakes with Bianca, she had yet again been unable to sleep. On waking she decided to drive to the Sydney Law School campus and have a walk around. They had offered her a position on the faculty, with an attractive salary and power over their admissions process. They wanted her to diversify their intake and work to engage undergrads with a more practical approach to the law. Really, they just wanted the pull of her name in their prospectus. A few weeks ago she had dismissed it out of hand, and joked with Tony about terrifying the students. He had pointed out that invigorating the youth for a couple of years wouldn't look so bad on her CV and then the discussion with Bianca had put the thought back into her head. Maybe this 'particular set up' would offer a more positive arena for her drive and passion.
Her mother seemed to think so too, and had been positive about her step away from the work that consumed her for months on end. She asked after the kids, then after Bianca, who it was obvious she liked. When Janet informed her they were no longer together, she sighed and said that was a shame, before the comment that she knew was inevitable - she was good for you. She helped you relax.
A text from Tony pulled her back to the present. It contained a picture of their strange work family in the bar. Bianca was front and centre, her gorgeous smile taunting her from the screen. Janet downed the last of glass number two and accidentally fell asleep.
When she woke up it was nine thirty. Tony had sent another text, offering to come over and sit in while Janet made her way to the bar. She immediately replied: That ship has sailed. Come over for a Scotch if you fancy a nightcap. She briefly considered a last ditch attempt to win her back, figured out she could be there by half ten, make a great romantic show of it, finally insist on her importance.
Or not. What she really wanted to do was just tell her how she felt. Bianca had made it clear she didn't need grand displays of affection, unlimited attention or time. What she wanted from her was direct feelings and actions that implied respect. And so, still groggy from the impromptu nap, she called her. Straight to voice mail.
"Hey, it's Janet. I hope you're having a good time...I wanted just to say sorry. I actually don't even know if I've ever said that? Said sorry to you properly. I am sorry. You were right about a lot of things, but you were so wrong about how I felt.
Look, I'm not going to stalk you, or harass you. I just wanted to tell you about this weird dream I had. I was in a lecture theatre and I was teaching these kids, only, it was Bonnie - there were 150 Bonnies staring out at me. And my job was somehow to humanise them, make them ready for work. I stood there feeling...vulnerable, but, strangely at home. Then you were there and you'd brought the twins, only they were bigger they were teenagers. And we were so...content.
Anyway, I'm not trying to - I know it's too late for us. I just want you to know, I fell in love with you for who you are. You're wrong to ever doubt that. It was never about what you did for me. I can't have you not knowing that...If you ever need me Bianca, in whatever capacity. Well. I'm here."
Janet hung up, cried a little, drank some water to sober up and started the film about a straight couple going through a divorce that she was determined would help her relax.
When she heard a knock an hour later she remembered that she was low on Tony's preferred Scotch. She prepared an apology about offering second best as she opened the door.
"Bianca?"
"Hey. So. Turns out you can only watch Wayne and Bonnie do shots at the bar for so long before questioning your life choices."
A laugh forced itself from Janet, as she allowed her astonished eyes to fill with hope. She didn't know what to say, and she didn't dare hope enough to say what she wanted.
"Can I come in?" Bianca asked, a flirtatious mess of brown hair and dark skin tight clothing.
Janet held the door, made way for her and needed to know, "Does this mean what I want it to?"
She gave a playful tilt of her head and narrowed her eyes, "Well, that depends. What do you want it to?"
Janet closed the door and forced Bianca against the back of it in one movement, cupping her face gently with both hands. She searched Bianca's face to make sure that this was what she wanted, and found a desire there that more than matched her own.
"It can't be the same as before Janet."
"I know. It won't."
They kissed softly at first, for a while, and then harder. Normally in bed they enjoyed a shared act of controlled impatience. They both liked to take their time. But this was different; the mental foreplay of the week leaving them on the edge of something that needed little in the way of groundwork.
"You have no idea how much I want this, how much I've missed you." Janet said.
By way of reply Bianca undid her jeans, took Janet's hand and moved it to where she wanted her to be, looking into her eyes as she did so. Janet felt the warmth and wet of her, moaned as her hand was suddenly full. She took a long, controlled, slow feel, savouring the sensations she had missed so much. Bianca wrapped har arms around her, moving herself against the touch she had longed for. Within a few moments she was crying out, her shuddering body filled with the relief of finding the other again.
"I'm not done with you yet. I need to see you." Janet whispered, kissing her neck. She dragged her to the bedroom, where they fell into a familiar rhythm ignited by a renewed appreciation. They remained at each other, and at each other, making up for the hurt and the lost time of the previous few weeks.
Bianca was close to sleep as she held Janet's sweat tinged frame in her arms.
"What changed your mind?" Janet asked as she caressed her body.
"Any number of things really. But mostly it was Bonnie."
"Bonnie?"
"I heard you in the bathroom together. News to me I'm adored." She teased.
After some initial confusion, Janet smiled, "So it wasn't actually anything I said?"
"Oh god no. You were the least helpful person to your cause." She could barely keep her eyes open.
Janet laughed again, luxuriating in the easy humour she was so happy to have back in her life.
"I love you Janet." Bianca said plainly, stating a fact she'd been trying to deny these past few days.
"I love you too." Janet turned to face her, using her forefinger to raise Bianca's chin and guide her lips to meet her own.
First Day
"Will I do?" Bianca turned from the mirror next to the front door, presenting herself to a sleepy and pre coffee Janet. She was dressed in her new uniform; had opted for the trousers instead of the awkward skirt, hair neatly up the way she used to wear it in the early days of the commission.
"Are you going to dress like this everyday? Because I'm never going to get anything done."
She gave a low smirk as Janet approached, taking her in.
"You look...No. You are, magnificent. Superintendent Grieve." Janet continued, and was rewarded with a shy half smile.
"Thank you, what is they decided on for you? Professor King?...Right. I'd better go and pretend to some people I know what I'm doing." She lifted her car keys and hat, turned to Janet, who looked forlorn and suddenly nervous.
"Are you coming back...tonight? I can make dinner, hear about your day, take care of you." The question was so tentative that it gave Bianca the strangest sensation.
"Do you ever get the feeling, these past couple of weeks...It's the weirdest thing, " She stared at Janet, who swallowed hard, looking her up and down. "Like we're back at the start. Does that make any sense?"
"That's the most confusing thing I've ever heard you say." Janet smiled and they both appreciated the moment, before Bianca kissed her fiercely as if for the first time.
