Chapter 32
Toni Stark had a problem. A big problem who handled a shield all too well and wore outfits that clung way too tight to his body. A problem, which if she didn't resolve, she was certain would be the death of her.
She sighed to herself as she walked down the long corridor of the nursing home, wondering if she was really making the right decision to come here today. Was bringing this up only inviting more problems for herself? Was it something she should even broach the subject on? How appropriate was it really to discuss one's love life with the man one was pining over's ex-girlfriend, if said ex also happened to be their aunt and in their nineties?
They really needed to make a What to Expect When You're In Love With Your Aunt's Ex-Boyfriend But Said Man Is Younger Than You Because He Was Frozen So It's Not Completely Weird.
Maybe that in itself was too much of a mouthful, but really, was it that odd of a scenario that she found herself in?
Why couldn't she just have fallen for a normal man instead of one that made her question every single fibre of her being.
She hated this, hated how vulnerable all of this was making her feel. Hated that everyone seemed to see right thought her and there was not a goddamn thing she could do in the world to stop them. Hated that they were right, because really, who was she fooling?
She was a goner.
Just the memory of dancing with Steve Rogers, wrapped up in his arms as they moved through the dance floor made her feel all warm and happy inside like she was some sort of lovesick teenager.
She really hated everything about the scenario in question.
She took a deep breath as she knocked on the door. She'd already told the staff she was planning on visiting, but it was good manners to knock before entering another person's room. And Jarvis would have been disappointed in her if she forgot to extend the same courtesy she had often been given as a child in her own home.
"Come in," she heard a soft voice say. She entered the room carefully. She'd already been told it was a good day before when she'd called. She loved her aunt, but the bad days were rough. She knew she looked a lot like her father, and enough so that her aunt would get confused when she couldn't immediately place Toni. And today, more than anything, she really needed the Aunt who had been like a second mother to her.
"Hi Aunt Peggy," Toni greeted, as her aunt's face lit up at the sight of her.
"Ducky," she beamed back at her, "It's been too long since you've visited last. Have you been eating? You look far too thin. What's the point in you living in that nice fancy tower of yours if you don't even get proper meals?"
"I eat," she assured her aunt quickly, and her aunt gave her a look. She raised her hands up, "I try, I really do. I forget sometimes, but that's not really my fault. Ava and Steve remind me if it's been far too long since my last meal. I swear the two of them together make it nearly impossible for me to even forget to eat. They'd never let me get away with it.
"Good," Peggy nodded, "I'm glad you have somebody in your life to make sure you're not wasting away. I wouldn't be surprised if one of these days you came in and you were nothing but skin and bones, with the way you treat your body."
"Never gonna happen," Toni grinned, "I have too much of a sweet tooth. Whatever I don't eat through proper meals, I make up for with coffee and donuts."
"Not a healthy diet, Antonia," Peggy chided lightly. "I swear, Harry eats better than you and he eats like a college kid, living on those instant noodle packets and fast food."
"They make it so easy," Toni said solemnly. How many days had she eaten fast food herself because she was too hungry to function and needed something quick as she had more work to get done? It was something she understood all too well.
"But you didn't come here for that, did you?" Peggy said, sitting up to take a closer look at her goddaughter. "I know that face. That's the look of someone who wants to talk about something weighing on their soul."
"I don't know what I'm doing," Toni confessed, and Peggy tapped on her bed.
"Come take a seat, Darling," Peggy told her gently, "And tell me exactly what's wrong."
She sighed as she sat down on the bed.
"I have no idea how to even talk to you about this," she told her aunt. "It seems strange to me. I know you said you're happy and you had an entire life without Steve, but a part of you loved him once. How are you okay with the fact that he's living here still, young and healthy, just as he was the day you thought you lost him?"
"I wasn't okay," Peggy said to her softly, "Not for the longest time. He was the first man I truly loved and I felt like a part of me went down with him. But I couldn't sit around all day and pine after a man long gone. I needed to move on. So I did. I found work that suited my interests. I found a place where I truly belonged with the SSR. And I learned how to be whole again. I had an entire life without him. And while I might always wonder what could have been, I'm happy with the life I had. The life where I was your godmother. Where I had two beautiful, brilliant children, with a husband I love more than anything in the world. I'm glad he's alive because he's a good man, and the world could use more of those."
She felt herself grow immediately guilty. Her aunt had loved Steve, and she knew Steve loved her too, if not more recently for him than for Peggy. The two of them had a love story that had gone down in history. If it had taken her aunt a while to get over enough to move on and have a life of her own, would Steve ever be ready? Was it something he was even considering?
She was selfish, she knew that. More than enough people had accused her of it in her life time. She didn't think of others, and she more often than not put her feelings above those people around her. And she had once again, without even thinking if Steve could even remotely feel the same way about her, put her own thoughts above what would be best for him.
She wondered if she should just put on her best press smile and catch up with her aunt for a while before turning around and leaving the room. What did she even say could make the scenario in play any better?
"Toni, Darling," Peggy took her hand, "You're thinking too hard again. What's on your mind?"
She started to open her mouth to say that everything was fine when her aunt cut her off.
Peggy narrowed her eyes, "Don't you even think about lying to me. I know you well, Antonia. I've known you since you were a young girl. I know the face you make when you're about to tell a lie. Tell me the truth."
"I have feelings for him," she confessed, "And I know how unideal the situation is. He probably still loves you; he hasn't had the same number of years awake to process everything and I know I'm supposed to be his friend and help him come to terms with this new century or whatever but I can't help but have feelings for him. Everything about him is just so good. He's so kind hearted and caring, and I can see why you loved him. But it's not my place and I know that I should probably just back away and give him some time to acclimate to everything. I don't even know what I thought coming here would accomplish-"
"Toni," Peggy interrupted her, squeezing her hand. "You're rambling, Love."
"Sorry," she said, taking a deep breath, as she calmed herself down.
"You're allowed to have feelings for him," Peggy told her gently. "I meant what I said when I told you I was okay with him being back. Yes, it is hard when you get lost in the what-ifs, but I have no regrets with how my life turned out. Daniel is the love of my life. Without him I wouldn't have my children or have had anywhere as wonderful of a life as I did have. I wouldn't change any part of it, not even if Steve had come back then. I'm not mad or angry that you find him as great as you do. He's a good man, and quite frankly, he's the kind of man I've always hoped you'd find yourself with, if you ever did settle down with a man."
Peggy paused, "Truthfully, I didn't tell you this at the time, but I asked you to watch over him for a reason. Steve isn't as strong as he likes to pretend that he is. Despite his super strength, he's still emotionally vulnerable. He's too gentle for the world he was raised in, let alone the world we live in now. I think the two of you balance each other out. You've seen some of the harsher truths of the world. You know that for all the good in it, there are just as many people looking to do harm. You're inquisitive, while he's more likely to take things at face value."
She thought back to how SHIELD had been making weapons with the Tesseract and how she'd questioned it while Steve wasn't as willing to believe it.
"And more than anything, I think the two of you could make each other happy," Peggy told her. "If you came here to ask for my blessing, then you have it, Darling. You're my daughter, even if not by birth. And all I want is for you to be happy. Steve would be good for you. I know the situation is unideal, but the truth is, I'm not as heartbroken as you all seem to think I should be. I'm more than happy with the cards I was dealt. I'm happy to have seen you grow up to become a beautiful young woman. And if Steve makes you happy, then I don't want you to throw that away out of fear of my feelings. This is me telling you that I want you to ask him out. Because he will dance all around the subject before he actually gets to the point. Sometimes it's good for that man to be told exactly what it is that you want him to do, or he won't figure it out on his own."
She laughed softly at that.
"He's a good man," she told Peggy softly, "He takes care of me, even when I forget to take care of myself. He doesn't try to control the fact that I work for hours on end but reminds me to take breaks every now and then. I want a future with him. More than I ever thought I could want anyone else."
"Then go get him, Darling," Peggy said with a smile, "And for my sake, do it soon. If I have to listen to Ava go on about how frustrated she is that the two of you keep dancing around each other, I may lose my mind."
She smiled sheepishly at that, "I guess that's my fault," she told her aunt. "Okay, I'll think about it. I've never been good at doing things that are good for me. But maybe I can start now. It's never too late to teach an old dog new tricks, right?"
"With your brain?" Peggy raised a brow, "I'd be surprised if you didn't continue to change how the world worked until the day you died."
She laughed lightly at that, as she stood. She pressed a kiss to Peggy's forehead.
"I'll visit soon, I promise," she told Peggy and her aunt grinned.
"Next weekend?" Peggy confirmed, as Toni had made a habit of trying to see her aunt on a weekly basis if her schedule permitted.
"Next weekend," Toni grinned. She stood, and exited the room, not once noticing the man who had been standing in the shadows.
Steve Rogers was at a loss.
He knew it was rude to eavesdrop, and if Peggy had any inclination that he'd heard her entire conversation with her goddaughter, then she may slap him to set him straight. His Ma had raised him better than that. But he hadn't meant to. It wasn't as if he had gone into the situation and tried to overhear everything. He just happened to have super hearing. And if he'd heard his name while about to knock, he couldn't be fully to blame for the parts of the conversation that he did hear.
Namely Toni Stark admitting she had feelings for him.
Something he wasn't all that sure how he wanted to react to.
It was true that he cared for her. She'd given him everything, even when he'd woken up in this strange new world with nothing but the clothes on his back. She'd given him a place to stay, food to eat, clothes to wear. She'd even gotten him caught up on everything that had happened over the past several decades when he was under. Something SHIELD had neglected to do in the entire time he'd been in their care.
She'd given him a home.
She was a bit of a disaster, if he was entirely honest with himself. She had no sense of self preservation, always throwing herself into danger. She never ate and would forget to sleep. And anytime he saw her, she almost always had a cup of coffee in her hand, to the point where he was certain there was more caffeine in her system than water. How she managed to survive so long, he had no idea.
But despite everything, he couldn't help but feel fond of her. His lips twitched up when he thought of her, and maybe the sketchbook he used was filled with far too many pictures of her.
She was beautiful.
That much he could fully admit.
She was so much more than what the world saw, and it frustrated him sometimes. It frustrated him that despite everything at the gala, that some man had drunkenly stumbled, falling all over her, and the next day there had been a story about how she couldn't keep her hands off a new mystery man.
How Justin Hammer constantly gave statements about her to the press, like he even remotely compared to what she was capable of. Because if there was one thing he knew too well, it was that HammerTech did not even come close to what Stark Industries was capable of achieving.
How she would simply smile at her phone in public, and the press would be all over her for some new love affair she was hiding.
Or how they were capable to praising Iron Woman in one article and tearing down Toni Stark in the next. Like the two were completely different people.
He hated it.
He hated it because he knew how wrong all of them were. How she was worth so much more than the few callous words they tossed on the page. How they could barely even see the woman underneath, who tried so hard and gave so much to those she loved. Who mentored children in private because she wanted to protect them from the spotlight. Who loved her bots like they were her own children. Who would do anything for her cousins. And anything for the rest of them, even when she had barely known them.
The public didn't see that side of her.
They didn't see the side of her that he was falling for.
Which perhaps was the reason he found himself in the same nursing home as she had. The same reason he'd wanted to find solace and seek help from the same source she had. Because Peggy Carter was a constant to both of them. Someone they both respected and cared for. Someone who they both looked up and trusted their opinion of.
He had made friends since waking up, but no one he thought he could talk to.
Toni Stark was his go-to for most of his problems, but he could hardly talk about how he felt about her to her, now could he?
He sighed to himself. Was this really the right thing to do? Was he making a mistake?
It was wrong, he knew, to have listened in on their conversation. Because now he had an upper hand. Now he knew exactly how she felt about him, but she had no conceivable idea of how much he cared about her. How much he admired her. How much he looked up to her. How much he liked her.
And that in itself was an issue.
But that was why he was here, wasn't it? To talk to the only link that he had left with the life he'd once lived? Everyone else from his past was long gone.
He missed Bucky. Bucky would have known exactly what he should do in this situation. Bucky would have told him to take the risk, consequences be damned. Bucky would have already made a move on her, perhaps the same way Clint flirted with her from time to time, seamlessly and without a care in the world.
But Steve Rogers never was as good with the ladies as Bucky Barnes.
He took a deep breath then, opening the door to Peggy's room after a careful moment of consideration. He wondered if it was better just to turn around and leave all together and pretend that he hadn't heard any of the conversation that he just did.
But he was lost. He had been lost since his plane fell into the Artic.
And he was done feeling like with every step of the way he was out of place. He was done being the man out of time.
This was his life now, and he was tired of running away from what he wanted, trying to do what he thought was right.
"Steve," Peggy said, not sounding at all surprised that he was there, "I was wondering when you'd come in."
"Come in?" he asked, furrowing his brows.
"Did you think I wouldn't know that you've been lurking out in the halls?" she questioned, "I know a thing or two about when there are people hiding in the shadows, Steve. I founded SHIELD after all."
He let out a shaky laugh at that, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lurked I suppose. I should have left when I realized you had company."
"But instead you overheard my conversation with my goddaughter," Peggy said, not sounding upset or surprised.
"I did," he admitted, "And I guess now I'm more confused about what to do than I was before."
"Because you know your feelings are reciprocated?" she asked, "Why would that make you any less sure of what you want?"
"I'm so used to just existing," he confessed, "Before the serum, I never thought I'd live to see twenty. No one did. My mother tried hard to keep me healthy, but there was so much wrong with me. and I never was one to be smooth with the ladies. You know that all too well. I'm so used to trying to be better, trying to do better. Just trying to be worthy of this extended lease on life that I never would have had if not for Erskine. Because without him I would have died long ago. And it feels like this new life I have doesn't quite belong to me. I wasn't meant to be in this time. To have a life here. And yet," his voice trailed off.
"And yet you want to," Peggy surmised.
"Yes," he sighed.
"There's nothing wrong with that, Steve," she said, taking his hand in hers. "We were all given the chance to live the lives we were meant to. But your life was stolen from you when your ship went down. You lost your chance to live and see the world change, and instead were dropped into this new future world. It's not fair, and it doesn't make any sense. But that doesn't mean you have to stop living. That doesn't mean that you need to give up what makes you happy."
"She makes me happy," Steve confessed heavily.
"Then tell her," Peggy urged him. "Don't let her slip out of your fingers, Steve. I've known that girl a long time, and if she thinks that for even a moment you could do better than her, she'd sacrifice her own feelings for what you wanted. But once Toni Stark trusts and cares for you, then she'll dedicate her all to making you happy. If you feel the same way for her as she does for you, then take the chance. What's the worst that could happen?"
"She deserves better," Steve sighed. "A man less damaged and out of place. A man who can keep up with her brilliant mind, and isn't constantly trying to catch up to the new times we live in. She deserves a man who can take away her pain and show her love. A man better and less broken than I am."
"What makes you think that your imperfections aren't exactly why she cares for you?" Peggy questioned him. "Toni Stark is many things, but she's known pain all her life. She knows what it's like to feel like you don't belong. She knows your pain and she understands it all too well. And maybe that's why she'd be just as good for you as you would be for her."
"A part of me died," he told Peggy, "When the ship came down. And no matter how hard I try, I don't know if I'll ever belong in this world. And what if that hurts her in the long run? What if I end up causing her more pain?"
"That's a risk you're going to have to take," Peggy told him gently, "You'll never know what could be if you don't take the chance. You're Steven Rogers. The bravest man I've ever known, who would rush off into battle to protect those he loves. Are you telling me one woman has you so terrified you're willing to run away than try and win?"
"She's a hell of a woman," Steve said dryly.
"That she is," Peggy laughed, "She's brilliant. And I'm glad I got to watch her grow up. I love you Steve, but she's my little Ducky. And if you hurt her then don't think for a moment that I won't get out of this bed and hunt you down. I don't think Daniel would be able to stop me if I tried. Just promise me, you'll at least think about taking a chance. Because I think the two of you belong together. Maybe you went down on that ship for a reason. Maybe you always were meant to find your way to each other."
He swallowed then, as he thought about the brilliant woman he came to have feelings for. She deserved the world. Deserved far more than he'd ever be able to give her. And he just hoped that he would be enough to make her happy.
But Peggy was right, if he didn't take the chance, would he ever truly know?
"Go get her," Peggy told him with a smile. "But before you leave, fill me in on the exciting adventures you've been having. This room is dreadfully dull."
He laughed at that, starting to tell her about his latest missions, as Peggy listened enthralled.
