Chapter 43

She knew she was being unreasonable. But still, she couldn't bring herself to leave her lab. Not when she'd just seen her mother brutally murdered in front of her.

It was only when Ava and Harry came down to visit, and JARVIS reminded her that after forty-eight hours she was supposed to reset the lockdown protocol after Pepper made her add that particular condition in after she locked herself in the lab for a solid week once without letting anyone in or out.

She scowled at one of her AI's cameras but sighed anyways, knowing she shouldn't avoid her cousins.

She shouldn't avoid Steve either, not when all he'd done was show her the truth.

But she nodded in spite of herself, agreeing to let her cousins into the lab.

Ava barrelled in, throwing her arms around Toni, while Harry held himself back.

"Are you okay?" Ava asked her, holding her tightly, "We saw the video. I'm so sorry Toni. I can't even imagine what it must have been like to have to see that."

"Ava!" Harry scolded her. "Be more sensitive."

Ava pulled away from her, looking shaken, and Toni had to remind herself again how young her cousin truly was. How different of lives they'd lived. Despite knowing her through her entire life.

Her cousin wasn't as damaged as she was.

"I'm sorry," Ava said softly. "I wasn't thinking."

"It's not your fault," she said to her. "It's not anyone's fault. Except HYDRA's. they're the ones who did this, when it comes down to it. They were the ones who killed my parents, and who did something to your mom."

"But to have to see that video," Ava shook her head, "I want to suit up and go after them myself. Give them a piece of my mind. Your mother was always so sweet to me and Harry. It's horrible knowing that they didn't die because of an accident. But because they knew too much."

"You could have been with them," Harry said after a moment. "I heard a conversation, between your father and Mom. She was trying to convince your dad to take you with you. That it would be a nice way for the two of you to reconnect, what with you going to join the company soon. She thought it would be nice if you went away together. But he was adamant that you wouldn't want to come. He thought you would be much happier if you got to spend the holidays without him. You could have been in the car, Toni. If he changed his mind and wanted to bring you with him. We could have lost you too."

Ava gasped loudly, and she closed her eyes.

All this time she'd thought her father hadn't wanted her. That he'd left her home out of his hate for her and his need to ignore her presence. And that when he crashed the car it was never a question of her having been an option. It never even crossed her mind that she would have died if she'd been with them. Because never in a million years had she considered that her father would have wanted her there.

But all this time, he didn't invite her for her own sake. Because he thought she needed her own space.

Her father wasn't a good person.

He'd never been kind to her. He'd hurt her, emotionally, physically, and mentally.

But maybe, in his own twisted way, he'd cared about her too.

She wanted to cry again. Cry for what could have been. If in another life he'd been able to have accepted having a daughter instead of a son. A daughter who was just as brilliant as him, if not more.

Her life would have been so much different.

But that wasn't the life she lived. She'd wasted so many of her years wondering. What would life have been like if? What if she was a man? What if her father didn't hate her? What if? What if? What if?

But it didn't change anything.

Her father and mother were dead.

And she was still here.

"I'm glad," Ava said finally. "I couldn't bear it if I lost you, Toni. You're my older sister, even if we're not biologically related. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have you in my life. I love my family, but it was you who taught me to question life. To seek answers to questions no one is asking. To build. You're my family too. And as selfish as this is, I'm glad you didn't get in that car."

"Me too," Harry said firmly. "I may not be as expressive with you about my feelings, but I couldn't imagine my life without you in it, Toni. We may have grown up on stories of Captain America, but I never believed in heroes until you became Iron Woman. You showed the world that anyone is capable of greatness if they have the heart. They don't need some serum or super powers. They just need the willpower."

She swallowed.

"I don't know where I'd be, without you guys," she said softly, "After Jarvis and Ana passed away, and I lost my mom, you guys were all I had. I don't know what I would have done without you in my life."

"You'll never have to find out," Harry said resolutely. "We're always going to be here."

"I'm going to find out what happened to your mom," she told them after a minute. "I may have lost my mother to HYDRA, but I won't let you lose yours. Even if there's nothing I can do to help her, we'll at least know the truth. And we'll get justice for what was done to her."

"They've caused so much pain," Ava said, blinking back tears. "For what? The power? Things could have been so much different. Mom could have been there for so many more things in our lives. Instead, we lost her. She may still be alive, but we lost her the minute they decided she was a threat."

She wrapped her arms around her cousin tightly, wishing there was anything she could do to take away the pain but there wasn't. HYDRA had taken their families from them, and they hadn't even known, let alone been able to have done anything to stop it.

Harry sighed, "Where are we on finding out what was done to Mom?"

"I have the file in question," JARVIS said, "I am working on breaking the encryption on the file now."

"Dedicate all nonessential processers to it, Baby," she told her AI. "I want to know exactly what HYDRA did to Aunt Peggy as soon as possible. If we're going to go after them, I want to know what they've done to my family."

"Adding more processing power now, Miss," JARVIS confirmed.

"You should talk to Steve," Harry told her gently. "He's been worried sick this entire time. And while no one faults you for needing some time apart to handle everything, you should let him know that you're doing okay."

"I know," she sighed, "JARVIS end lockdown protocol. I'll go talk to him."

"Very well, Miss," JARVIS said, and she knew he approved of her decision.

Steve was waiting for her when she got out of the elevator on her private floor. She'd given him unrestricted access to it months ago, and she wasn't all that surprised to see him there.

He didn't stand from the couch he was sitting on, as to not crowd her, and she slowly made her way over to him.

She'd said some horrible things in the need to get away from it all.

Would he hate her for it?

"I'm sorry," she said, trying to keep her voice steady as she took a seat beside him. "You were only trying to be there for me, and I lashed out at you. I shouldn't have said any of those things to you. It wasn't fair of me when you hadn't done anything wrong. You're not responsible for HYDRA murdering my parents. You just were there when I saw the video. And I know it couldn't have been easy for you, given the ramifications on Barnes."

He took her hands gently in his.

"Are you okay?" he asked her carefully. "I don't blame you for any of the things you said. You'd just watched that horrifying video. To expect you to be able to have handled it any differently would be unfair. You're entitled to grieve any way you need to. So, I don't fault you for that, Love. But I'm concerned about you. How are you doing?"

"It hurts," she admitted to him. "This entire time, I'd been blaming my father for driving drunk and murdering my mother. But it wasn't on him. And I don't know how to handle that, when I spent the better part of the last two decades hating him for it. Instead, he just was getting too close to knowing the truth. And my mother was nothing more that collateral damage. And I can't help but wonder what would have happened if she hadn't been there. Would they have found another way to take her out? Or would she have been spared?"

She swallowed, "It doesn't help that it was Barnes on the screen either," she said, and Steve stiffened slightly. "I know you want to help him, Steve. I looked into the files pertaining to what was done to him, and it's not pleasant. The man you get back might not be the same as the one you lost. And I can't make you any promises on my feelings about him."

He didn't say anything, and she allowed herself to continue, "I want to help him. He's another victim of HYDRA. Perhaps one of the worst ones, given the long-lasting nature. But every time I look at him, I'm going to see his hand around my mother's neck. I need some time to be able to process it all properly. I know it wasn't him, I know that much. I saw that video, he didn't even recognize my father. There was no way he was the one in control. But that doesn't make it any easier knowing that he was the weapon who carried out the hit. I just, I need some time to be able to help you find him."

"Of course," Steve promised her gently, "I'd never ask you to do anything which would hurt you further."

He sighed, "No part of this is easy. I'm furious that all of this is happening. I don't regret meeting you Toni. It's probably the best thing that's happened to me since waking up in this century. But I crashed the plane into the ice hoping it would bring down HYDRA forever. And instead I only allowed them to grow. They took the life of my best friends in different ways, and all that time I was asleep. I couldn't do anything to help. And now that I'm awake, they keep hurting the people I love. It's infuriating. I gave my life to defeating them, and I didn't even make a dent."

She leaned into him, and he wrapped his arms around her tightly.

"We're going to bring them down, Darling," she promised him firmly. "We'll hit every HYDRA base necessary and bring them down for what they've done to us. They won't be allowed to get away with the things they've done to us. We won't let them. I promise you; they will be brought to their knees."

"I love you," he told her. "I want you to know that, Toni. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Not because of the fact that you gave me a home, or because you gave me a family, or because you've helped me find a place in this new world. I love all those things about you. But I love you because you're you. And there's nothing I'd do to change that fact. You're the best thing that's happened to me, and I don't know how I got so lucky."

"I love you too," she told him softly, "And not just the Captain America side of you who has the serum coursing through his veins. That part of you is insanely hot, and I'll never get tired of it. But I love Steve Rogers. The man who wanted nothing more than to be able to help people and had a pure heart of gold. The one who always wants to do right by others. I love you, and I want you to know that I'd still love you without the serum."

"That man was very sick," Steve said with a rough voice, and she wondered if she'd hit a nerve. "He wouldn't have been good enough for you. He couldn't stand his ground in a fight and had a million illnesses."

"That's the man I grew up hearing stories about," she said, "The one who knew right from wrong and who wanted to do what was right. I love every part of you Steve," she said looking up at him from where she was resting. "The serum might have given you strength and fixed your immune system, but inherently, you are still you. And yes, you have a body that I adore, but it's you I love. Your kindness, your heart, and how you always try and do what's right. You're the one I want to spend my life with. If you lost the serum, I'd still be with you. Because I love you."

"I love you," he whispered to her, and she stroked his face gently, knowing that he wanted her in that moment. She nodded at him encouragingly, and she could see him snap as whatever was holding him back disappeared.

He pulled her in for a desperate kiss, and she allowed herself to get lost in it. She'd been in so much pain over the last couple of days and she wanted to feel loved. And Steve made her feel safe. He made her happy.

"I love you," he said again, over and over, repeating it like it was a prayer, and she peppered kisses against him, wanting him to know how much she felt the same way

HYDRA had taken enough from her. But they wouldn't take her happiness. Not anymore.

So she combed her hands through his hair as he laid her down on the couch and let herself get lost in the moment.


It had been a long couple of days since Toni had found out the truth about what happened to her parents.

She was processing it, the best way she could. Which sometimes involved binging in her lab and working for hours on end as she attempted to distract herself from what had happened, to just letting Steve hold her as she took comfort in him. Honestly, she had no idea how she was supposed to react to any of this. Because she was so angry still, that it had taken her this long to find out the truth. And she was upset with herself because maybe if she had done something differently, it would have ended on a better note. Maybe her mom would still have been alive.

Steve had shut down that line of thinking quickly, telling her that there's nothing she could have done to have prevented this. And while it hurt to think about, she knew he was right. There wasn't much she could have done different. Not at that point in her life.

"Miss," JARVIS said, interrupting her thoughts, "I believe I found out something in regard to Ms Carter-Sousa."

She put down her tools that she was using and looked up, "Where are Steve, Harry, and Ava?" she asked, "We all should be here to hear what happened."

"Mr Rogers and Mr Carter-Sousa are training in the gym," JARVIS responded, "Miss Carter-Sousa is with Mr Banner in the common room. Should I gather them?"

"Please tell Harry and Steve to join us in the common room," she said, as she stood. "I'll join them there."

"Very well, Ms Stark," JARVIS responded, and she sighed.

She was glad J had finally cracked the encryption on the files, but she had no idea if she truly was ready to hear whatever it was that was in those files. She knew HYDRA had messed with Aunt Peggy, but whatever they did had lasting effects on her. It had changed her entire relationship with her family. Would they even be able to come back from this?

She sighed as the elevator dinged when she arrived on the floor and saw the others waiting there for her. Steve wrapped an arm around her carefully, and she knew the rest of them were just as anxious about hearing what JARVIS had found as she was.

"What did you find, JARVIS?" Harry asked finally, and she saw him hold onto his sister carefully. Ava was shaking, but she stilled slightly, as her brother held her.

"It seems as though Mr Stark had been working on a sort of memory erasing serum before his death," JARVIS spoke, "A sort of thing they could give to people to make them forget things they were not meant to see or things SHIELD wished for them to forget. It never got past testing stages as the serum proved to be far too potent, even at the lowest possible dose, and the project was ultimately scrapped. One of the side effects reported at the lower doses was forgetting things such as what had happened over the course of the last year to forgetting things such as important life events. Mr Stark and Ms Carter-Sousa determined that while it could be worth looking how to reduce the effects, ultimately, the consequences were far too dire to continue on with the project."

She knew what was coming before JARVIS even uttered the words.

"I found a file which reported that Alexander Pierce had personally injected Ms Carter-Sousa with a rather alarming amount of the serum. At the time no long-term testing had been done to determine the consequences. It seems as if Ms Carter-Sousa was aware that Mr and Mrs Stark's deaths had not been in fact an accident, and that there had been a leak at SHIELD. I believe she had been close to uncovering the truth and that had been why she was injected with the serum. There was a subsequent note on her file that mentioned monitoring her while she was in the care facility however an amendment that was added to show that any knowledge that Ms Carter-Sousa had about HYDRA had long since been removed."

"Fuck," Harry swore loudly, and Ava looked upset at that, "Sorry. I just-she knew. She knew that something had happened to Uncle Howard and Aunt Maria. Mom knew. But if she'd told Dad or anyone else, maybe she would have been safe. They wouldn't have been able to get to her if she'd told someone else."

"Or Dad could have died," Ava said, shakenly. "Look what they did to Aunt Maria because she was in the car with Uncle Howard. They could have killed him to make sure he didn't do anything about it."

"Hey, stop that," Toni cut them both off. "Look if there's one thing I've learned over the last week it's that we can't allow ourselves to get lost in the 'what ifs'. It's not conductive to anything, and all it does is lead to more heartache and suffering. Uncle Daniel is still alive. And we know the truth about what happened to your mother now. We don't know if we can change anything about it, but there's nothing we could have done differently to make sure this didn't happen. We need to remember that this wasn't our faults. We were young. Ava you were fourteen when all of this happened, and your mother was attacked. Harry you just turned sixteen. What could any of us have done, realistically?"

"She's right," Steve told them both. "I know I don't share the same pain the three of you do. But there was nothing any of you could have done. Not then. All that matters is where we go from here and what this means from here on out."

"JARVIS do you have anything on the makeup of the serum?" Bruce asked, speaking for the first time since the news had been revealed about Peggy Carter.

"What are you thinking?" Ava asked him, looking over at her boyfriend curiously.

"I'm thinking about how we could reproduce the serum," Bruce told them. "I doubt SHIELD has any copies of it left. But if there's anything in the notes as to how Howard Stark made it in the first place, we might be able to replicate the serum so we have a working copy of it."

"Is that really the best idea?" Steve said, frowning at him. "Look what it did to Peggy. Should we even attempt to recreate a serum like that, without any knowledge of what it could do? What happens if HYDRA manages to get their hands on it again?"

"Steve, they have the same notes as we do," Toni said gently, "If they wanted to create the same serum, they probably already have all the resources they need to be able to do so."

"Besides," Ava interjected, "It's not about recreating the serum so we have the ability to erase people's minds. That's not what we want to recreate it for."

"Then why do you even want it?" Steve said, frowning as he didn't make the same connections that the three of them had made.

"Because if we can make the serum, we may be able to find a way to reverse the process of what it does," Bruce explained to him, "Kind of like how vaccines are created to give immunity to diseases. If we know what was done to Peggy, we may be able to find out how to undo it, if you will."

"So you can remove the disease," Steve said, understanding filling her, "Can you really do that? Will it work?"

"We don't know," Ava said, not wanting any of them to get their hopes up before it was too soon. "It depends what the serum did to her. Is it some sort of blocking thing, where it's preventing her from remembering? Or is it causing damage to her actual brain that she won't be able to recover from? It depends completely on what this serum has done to her."

"The worst-case scenario we won't be able to do anything about it," Toni said, making sure he understood. "Because as terrible as this is, we might not be able to make a difference. The serum has been in her for over twenty years, and she won't be the same person even if we found a way to completely remove it from her system."

"But there is a chance it could be undone," Harry said softly, "We could have Mom back if it worked. She would be fine again."

She squeezed Harry's arm gently, "She could be fine again. We shouldn't get our hopes too high, because we still need a better understanding of how it worked in the first place. But if Howard worked on something to erase memories and he knew it had such adverse effects; chances are he also has some notes on how to undo it. JARVIS, can you search on all available servers if Howard was working on anything to undo the effects as well?"

"Searching," JARVIS confirmed, "I have also pulled up notes on how the serum was made and have begun synthesizing it for you in the lab."

"Thanks Baby," she smiled at one of his cameras.

"I'm going to go call Dad," Harry told them, "He needs to know about this."

"I'm going to head down to the lab," she told them all. "Bruce, Ava, you have far more chemical engineering knowledge than I do, so if you want to join that would be great."

"Of course," Bruce nodded,

Steve kissed her temple softly, and she gave him a hopeful smile before she turned and walked back to the elevator. She had work to do.