Chapter 21: Feeling Guilty
The steady sound of rhythmic beeps was the first thing that Meredith awoke to. She didn't open her eyes at first. Instead, she took in what was around her. The beeping wasn't the only sound she heard. Low mutterings were also audible. However, they were distant, almost low on purpose. She could recognize the voices, but barely. One she pointed out was her father's, and it was rot with worry. The other she could pull out was the deep chested tone of Carlisle Shepherd. What exactly would the two be talking about? The voices became a bit clearer for Meredith, and she could make out a word or two.
"...nothing to worry about.She's a strong young woman. She'll make it."
"But... but three days?"
"Relax, Chief Grey. I've seen much worse. She's lucky she doesn't have a broken leg."
Meredith's eyelids fluttered open, a groggy noise escaping her throat. At first, she was blinded by the unbearable light that seemed to come from nowhere. Then, things began to defocus. She realized that she was in a hospital bed. Her mind slowly began to click on as the blurred images began to materialize. She stared up at the faces of Carlisle Shepherd and Thatcher Grey. She tried to speak but found that her voice wasn't working yet. Seeing this, Thatcher grasped her hand tightly. He sat in a chair beside her bed, his crutches leaning against the wall. "Meredith!" he said, relief in his tired eyes. He pressed her hand to his cheek. "Oh, my baby girl... I was so worried about you!" He almost looked close to tears. Meredith forced her voice to work.
"What... happened?" she asked, her eyes going to Carlisle.
"You fell out of your bedroom window," the good doctor explained, checking her vitals. "Hit your head rather hard. You have been in a small coma for only a few days. But everything seems normal, so you should be fine." He marked a couple things on his clipboard. "You're very lucky young Mr. Sloan came in to check on you when he did. You might have been outside all night."
Her brain slowly processed what he said. "Window...?" she repeated, her voice cracked.
"Can we come in now?" came another familiar voice. Carlisle turned and looked over her shoulder. From where Meredith was laying, she couldn't see the figures that hovered by the door frame.
"Yes," came Carlisle's response. "But not too quickly. She just woke up and she's a bit lethargic." Meredith watched as a few figures made their way inside. The first one, who came right up to her bedside, was Mark. He smiled brightly, kneeling beside her and touching her face. He too shared the same relief her father did. Meredith's eyes then drew away from him to the second one in the room. Derek. He, unlike Mark, stood far away from Meredith's bed, leaning against the wall. In fact, he didn't even look at her. He kept his head low, his bangs and parts of his hood hiding his eyes. This saddened her greatly. Why was he refusing to even look at her? Was he angry at her? Did she do something wrong? Things started to slowly flow back to her memory. She remembered... setting up the trap... and then the Laurents... Or maybe that was a dream? It must have been. It was so surreal. But the pain and fear... She was sure she felt that. But dream or no dream, she had no idea why Derek wouldn't look at her. Look at me, she pleaded in her head. Please look at me... Please look! She did not voice her desperation. Instead, a tiny tear clouded one of her eyes. It sat there, blurring her already imperfect vision.
"Thatcher." Meredith directed her eyes up to Carlisle, who was looking at her father. "You're tired. Don't worry, Meredith will be in good hands. Go home. Get some rest."
Thatcher gave him a pleading look. But fatigue and perhaps hunger caused him to cave in. He looked at Meredith and touched her cheek. "Will you be ok if I went home to get a little shut eye? I can't really sleep in the beds here." She nodded at him. Leaning forward, he kissed her forehead and wiped a tear from his own eye. He then grasped his crutches and hobbled out.
"My son Emmet will drive you home," Carlisle told him just before he left. When he was out of ear shot, Carlisle closed the door and turned to Meredith. "You're very lucky to be alive," he remarked. Walking back over to her, he checked her pulse and readjusted her IV bag. "Apparently, one of the Laurent copies gave you a nasty bump on your head. You've been out cold for days. We were able to make up a story about you falling out the window. As you just heard, I'm sure."
Meredith furrowed her brow and then struggled to sit up. Mark helped her. She nodded, her brain starting to function a little quicker. "Yeah," she said. The inside of her mouth was bland – much like when she first got up in the morning. She kept her eyes on Derek. Still, he refused to look at her. "What happened to them? The nomads?"
"They got away," said Mark sourly. He sat on the edge of the bed, taking her hand.
"Alice tried to hunt them down," Carlisle explained. "But by the time you passed out, they were long gone."
"Do you think they'll come back?" asked Meredith, still slightly woozy.
"No doubt," said Carlisle. He rubbed the back of his neck. "I suppose I should stop trying to be diplomatic from now on. Now, it's nothing more than a game to them. Toying with you in order to aggravate us."
"I should have been there," Mark said. "They knew it was a trap from the beginning anyway. If I was there, I would have wrung them out by their scrawny necks."
"Well it doesn't matter much now," said Carlisle. "I've taken your case as a favor to your father. This way, we'll be able to watch you more carefully. Any day, they might declare check mate." He turned to her. "But aside from that. Meredith, you were about to say just before you fainted that you found a way to fight back? I noticed the wood in your hand, and I was wondering if you had used it as a stake."
Meredith thought for a bit and then nodded. "Yeah. When one of the Laurent copies pushed me into a tree, a big sliver of wood popped out. I grabbed it and... well I guess I did the only thing I could think of."
"A very smart move," said Carlisle. "It may be a bit conspicuous of you to wander around with a large stake at your side, but if you just keep yourself alert, you may be able to fight back like you've been wanting to."
Meredith blinked at that statement. "How do you know about that?"
Carlisle's thin brow arched. "I'm a mind reader, remember?"
She felt a bit embarrassed. "Oh. Right..." Once more, she looked over to Derek. There was a silence before she decided to speak. "Are you ok?" He shifted but said nothing. Instead, he merely shrugged. Mark rolled his eyes.
"He's fine," he said pointedly. "Just pouting." Derek didn't even reply with a snappy comeback. Meredith began to grow even more worried. What had she done to be scorned like this?! It was driving her mad.
"Well you should get some rest," said Carlisle, gently pushing her back to her pillow. "If you need anything at all, ring this." He handed her a bell made of strange, light metal. It was rounded and small and looked to be antique. "It's made of a combination of zinc, silver and a fine mixture of other metals. The frequency is high enough for only supernatural beings to pick up. And dogs. We'll hear it if it's an emergency. Try it." Meredith took the item in her hands. It hardly weighed anything. She shook it back and forth. She couldn't her a sound. With a frown, she shook it harder and faster, until Mark put his hands on it, a wince on his face.
"Please don't," he said, cleaning out his ear with a finger. "Some of us have very sensitive hearing."
"Oh. Right, sorry." She set it down and sighed. "I'm sorry I can't be of any more help."
"Trust me, Miss Grey," said Carlisle. "Cooperation is all the help we need from you."
The next week or so trudged on painfully slow. Just as before, Meredith's friends came to visit her often with comforting words and catch up homework. They seemed to be from a different world now. Meredith had become so immersed in the world of beasts than to see her friends from school, acting normally as if it was another day... it was strange. Almost out of place. But she accepted their help and comfort willingly, assuring them that there was nothing to worry about. She still had a little trouble walking, but no other complications. Mark came in to visit her. Even though it was against the hospital rules, he brought her a bag or two of fast food. One night – the fourth night she was there and awake – they were snacking on a couple of cheeseburgers and French fries while playing a good game of Black Jack to pass the time. It was the one card game Meredith was actually good at. Though he hated to lose, Mark played it with her, knowing that his demise was always short at hand.
"Oh, hey," he said as Meredith dealt out a fresh hand. "About that kiss I gave you – the one just after we planned everything?" Meredith was taken aback by the subject. The thought hadn't crossed her mind since then. Understandably, she had a great deal else to ponder.
"What about it?" she asked, sipping her soft drink.
"Well..." He fiddled with his fries before taking another bite, laughing it off. "Ah, it was just to ruffle Shepherd's feathers. I hope I didn't make you feel weird or anything."
"Oh..." Meredith chuckled as well. "No, no. It's fine. It was more of a friendly kiss to me than anything."
Mark's usually bright smile seemed to fall a little bit. "Oh... really?"
She paused, her last bit of burger halfway to her mouth. "Yeah..." she began. She furrowed her brow. "Wait, why?"
"No reason," said Mark with a shrug. He grinned. "Just glad we're still on the same page." Meredith's curiosity did not die, but she smiled anyway and nodded in agreement. Just as they were getting ready to play another game, a knock came to the door.
"Anyone home?" came the happy voice of Emmet. He and Rosalie made their way inside. It seemed that vampires only needed permission if they were outside first. Meredith greeted them, glad to see a few more friendly faces.
"How are you feeling?" Rosalie asked, touching her forehead with her cold palm.
"Good as can be expected," said Meredith simply. "Checking up on me for Carlisle?"
"He can't make it," Emmet explained. "He and Alice are trying to track down the nomads. There's a chance we can figure out where they ran off to. A slim chance, but still. We just hope they're not in a crowded city like Washington."
"It's an open buffet for us," said Rosalie, arms folded. "Well you haven't had a fever since you came out of the coma. You should be all right in a couple of days, I think."
"Thank you," said Meredith sincerely. She paused and then stared down at her lap, her fingers toying with the Joker card. "Why hasn't Derek come to visit me yet?" A strained silence fell over the other three. She turned her eyes back up to them. The two Shepherds were silent, their gaze turned away from hers. Her heart sank within her. So, he really was angry. She didn't understand. What did she do? It had been gnawing at her all week. Derek hadn't visited once since the day she awoke. It worried her and made her depressed at the same time. Did he think she was weak? Maybe not worth it? That thought scared her a little. "I don't get it," she continued. "Why? Why is he mad at me? He's obviously mentioned something... why is he so upset with me? What did I do wrong?" She stopped as Emmet sat beside her, putting a firm hand on her shoulder.
"No, Meredith," he said softly. "He's upset with himself, not you. He blames himself for what happened with the nomads." He paused and glanced at Rosalie. She nodded slightly, as if giving him the okay to say something. "He said... that he doesn't want to be around you if he can't protect you. He won't stop thinking about what might have happened..."
Meredith looked at Emmet earnestly. Angry at himself? But why? He couldn't have foreseen what happened. It wasn't his fault at all! In fact, if it wasn't for him, James might have made a meal of her that night. She shook her head. "Why? I'm fine, aren't I? He shouldn't worry..."
"That's what we keep telling him," said Rosalie. "Derek's as stubborn as an old mule. I think he's happy with blaming himself, quite frankly. The boy is so... what's the word for it? It's one of your new slang terms, I think. For someone who's really depressed?"
"Emo," said Mark flatly.
"Right. Derek is such an emu. It's getting on my nerves." She paused. "Wait... isn't an emu a bird?"
Meredith looked out the window, drawing her knees to her chest. Even though she was tempted to laugh at Rosalie's mistaken terminology. However, her heart wasn't in the mood for laughter. She turned herself back to the vampires. "Tell him that I want to see him." She put her hands on the back of Emmet's cold, clammy one. "Please tell him."
They looked at one another before promising they would. After that, they left. It wasn't long before Mark left as well, leaving Meredith to her thoughts. She stared out the window, now dark because of the night's sky. She could detect a few stars between short pieces of cloud. She wondered about them. They were such delicate things. Yet, in reality, they were burning balls of gas that could melt your face off. It was remarkable what a disguise could accomplish. She didn't know how long she laid there, staring at the stars, but soon, she found her eyes drooping and her eyelids slowly closing.
Tap, tap, tap.
Meredith's eyelids shot back up and she propped herself against her pillow. Sure enough, the face of Derek Shepherd stared at her from the window. A gentle smile came to her face. "You can come in," she invited kindly. He paused, staring at the window. Then, opening it, he slipped inside and closed it back up again. He kept his back turned to her, his eyes staring out the glass. Meredith shifted and crossed her legs beneath the blankets. "Come closer," she said gently. There was a silence before he did as he was told. He got within a foot of her bedside; his head still lowered. Meredith scooted over and pat the edge of her hospital bed. "Sit." Again, he considered it. Finally, he did as instructed once more. Meredith moved to her knees and wrapped her arms around Derek's firm frame.
"I don't blame you. Not one bit. I don't want you to blame yourself. So please... stop being so hard on yourself. It's not your fault."
His head slowly lifted, their eyes meeting. He hadn't eaten in a while. But even as a dull black, his eyes were alluring. Meredith then noticed just how sweet his smell was. It drew her in like honey, the scent nearly intoxicating. She moved a hand up and cupped his stone like cheek. He down cast his eyes to try and avoid her, but she tilted his head back up, making him do the opposite. Their faces were very close now. Despite the cold of his skin, Meredith felt very warm. Without being aware of what she was doing, she felt herself gravitate towards him, and he to her. They were like magnets. When their lips did finally meet, it felt as though Meredith was kissing ice. She pulled back a bit and ran her tongue along her lips, warming them up a bit. They stared at one another for a while before Derek leaned forward, kissing her once more. This one was longer and a little deeper. Meredith was shocked to discover that the inside of his mouth – in contrast to his skin – was very warm. Everything from his saliva to the feel of his tongue was warm and welcoming. Almost to the point of being hot. Meredith felt herself being pushed down to the bed as they kissed, her fingers entangling themselves in his hair. Derek's kisses were slow and tender with a sensuality that thrilled every inch of her. She wanted more. However, he pulled away to break for air, propping himself over her. He pressed his forehead to hers, staring deeply into her eyes. Meredith smiled at him.
"Lay with me." Once more, he did as she said, laying on his side, facing her. Meredith touched his cool lips. "Smile... please..." He looked to her hand and took it in his own. Moving his head down, he placed his lips on her palm before shifting his head back up. Slowly, a small smile fell to his face. It was a weak, vulnerable smile. One that he had never shown before. She returned his expression and hugged him around the neck, her forehead on his chin. She could feel him smell her hair, his hands pulling her by the lower back. It was there, as she lay safe and secure in his arms, that she finally had a restful night's sleep.
So, Derek and Meredith finally had their first kiss! Please read and review...
~ Charlie xoxo
