PART 1: The Darkest Days
478 days
It's pouring as she closes the door of her office
9 hours
There's water in her shoes.
The cold rain wets her hair and soaks her clothes.
35 minutes
Cars drive by and splash more water on her.
Her face is so wet she doesn't even know if there are tears or not.
9 seconds
She opens the door of her apartment
and then she's dripping water on the carpet.
Looks at herself in the mirror.
And sees nothing.
He's gone
Gone
Gone
And there's nothing left of her
478days
9 hours
40minutes
and 15seconds
That's how long she has survived without him.
Survived
Nothing more.
Run-on automatic gear since the final battle.
Gone to celebration
To funerals
To rebuilding
Got an apartment
And a job in the ministry
Once upon a time she would have aimed higher
Maybe gone to finish school
Maybe wanted more than a regular office job
Once upon a time
When he was still here
When there were still dreams
When the future was at her reach
When she didn't have this hole in her soul...
This black void that swallowed everything there was left to feel.
And his name
Hanging in the air where ever she went.
His name...
And the future that could have been.
She makes tea and sits on the sofa.
Her sofa.
Looks around the apartment.
Her apartment
That doesn't feel like hers
Nothing feels like hers
Because she's nothing.
.
.
.
There's a part of her,
the rational part;
That tries to tell her she's so young.
That there's so much life ahead of her.
That this is just a phrase
That she shouldn't throw away these opportunities.
They might be here for only now.
She's a hero
Until time goes by and there'll be others
Until this will all be just a page in a history book.
"Ride it when it's fresh," they say.
But she was never a hero by herself.
Books and cleverness?
They didn't help her react faster
They didn't make her shield stronger
They didn't aim her wand better
They didn't prepare her for this pain
She won a war
And lost everything else
In the blackest days she thinks it would have been better if they had lost.
At least she'd probably be dead then.
At least she'd be free from this pain.
And then she beats herself for being so selfish!
If they'd lost,
she'd probably be dead and gone
but the rest of the world would suffer.
Those like her would live in a dark dangerous world.
Children would live in fear
And that's so much worse than her personal pain.
Isn't it?
.
.
.
They all grieve differently
All do what they can to cope
But they all seem to have something to keep them afloat.
She looks at them and knows.
For unquestioning certainty, that their blackness is not as deep
As all swallowing
As strong
As hers
She looks at Harry holding his hand on Ginny's swollen belly
And knows the future he dreamed about is still there.
Is still ahead of them
Harry will be happy again
As will Ginny
As will Molly and Arthur
And even George
But her?
Who will take her hand when she's drowning,
when the person who was supposed to do that is not here?
When the only thing she has of him is the ghost of their first and last kiss.
When the only threads of a lifeline are the memory that fades as the days go by.
Soon there'll be a day she doesn't remember how his slender body felt pressed against her.
How his big hand felt wrapped around hers.
And there's no one to pick her back up
No one...
But the invisible weights on her ankles that only pull her deeper.
.
.
.
At ten he knocks on her door.
Three knocks
Always the same
She has a doorbell but he never uses it.
She opens the door and meets his dark silvery eyes.
"Granger" he drawls
Always the same
And she lets him in.
Lets him undress her
Lets him touch her
Kiss her,
but never on the lips,
Lets him take her to bed
To call her whatever he wants
Lets him fuck her
Needy
And rough
And all-consuming
Because she hated him
And Ron hated him
Because being with him makes her feel guilty
And guilt is a feeling.
Different than emptiness
Guilt is something
How pitiful
That in this black void
They are the worst enemies, holding each other's safety ropes.
Ron would laugh at the irony
But Ron will never laugh again
Because Ron...
Just thinking about his name makes her feel like she's going to shatter.
Ron is gone
Gone
Gone
Ron left her
Alone in the darkness
And now He's here...
And now He's the only one who's able to wake anything in her anymore
And...
After all that has happened
After everything they've been through
She's nothing,
but so is Draco Malfoy
Summer -98
Blank
She's staring ahead, thinking it can't get any worse
That this is the absolute worst it'll be
That if she just gets through this day things will eventually work out.
Because what can be worse than burying your best friend?
Worse than burying the boy - the man, you loved?
If she only knew then it was all just starting to sink in...
Later she thinks she should have seen it coming,
Should have prepared herself better.
Harry didn't sit next to her that day.
She didn't sit with the Weasleys,
But Harry did.
Held Ginny's hand in the front row.
Ginny's hand,
But not hers.
Ron had been their best friend.
They had been a trio
Until he was gone
In death, he had been Harry's best friend.
It was always Harry Potter and Ron Weasley...
Like she had been nothing.
She didn't cry a tear that day.
Just stared ahead blankly.
And not once during the reception did Harry come and take her hand.
Later yes, but not then
Not when she needed him the most.
That was the first time she realized she was alone.
And she couldn't really blame Harry.
Because he had gone through much more than any of them.
But she still did...
and it made everything so much worse.
.
.
.
Autumn -98
Alone
She stood on a yard in a beautiful Australian neighborhood,
delusioned to blend in the greenery,
and stared inside a house.
The woman in the kitchen was in her early forties and heavily pregnant.
She smiled at a man who sat by the table and seemed to be chatting happily.
They both looked so happy and content.
She watched them from her hiding place and her heart felt heavy.
Because these people were Monica and Wendell Wilkins.
Monica and Wendell Wilkins were having a child on their old days.
A child they had so strongly yarned.
A child they seemed to be missing.
A child...
Her sister or brother.
But as she stood there and looked at their happy suburban life, she made her mind:
She had created this reality for them,
And this life had made them so happy.
What good would it do if she'd suddenly give them back memories that would just scare and worry them?
What good was it to take their happiness and make them fit together two lives that didn't really match?
No good
They'd never know they had her
They'd never miss her
They'd never worry about her
Because for them she didn't exist.
So she walks away.
Again.
And leaves her parents to live a life they more than deserve!
After a few months she goes to see McGonagall to make sure there's no magical child born for the Wilkins family living in Australia.
There's not.
She sighs in relief.
Her sibling is non-magical.
Her parents get to live a normal life never knowing magic even exists.
They'll never know what she did
They will never know...
.
.
.
Heavy
She goes back to Hogwarts to rebuild.
Opens the doors and goes back to where it all happened.
The place makes her feel like doing anything requires double the effort.
Like there was lead in her system instead of blood.
She was supposed to pick her life back up.
But here she is...
Here, where the ghosts of war will not leave her alone,
Here, where she walks past places where her loved ones met their end.
And where she used to be happy
Where every corner reminds her of the days that will never return.
Reminds her of Ron.
Where she fought with Ron.
Where she ran when he made her furious.
Where she laughed with him...or at him.
Where he took her hand.
Where he kissed her, the one last time.
Sometimes it feels like suffocating.
But she grits her teeth and carries on.
Because she needs to help!
She needs to matter!
And she's stronger than this pain!
She fought a war at seventeen!
Surely she can take the aftermath.
And the void inside of her just grows bigger.
Most of her friends don't return for rebuilding.
Harry tells her its just too much for him to take,
and she does understand.
She wouldn't have returned either, if she didn't feel like she owed it to someone.
But to who?
She had no idea.
Maybe herself?
.
.
.
Winter -99
Numb
Kingsley himself offers her a job.
"Just an office job, some research, to start with. I personally make sure you'll get opportunities to aim higher."
She tells him a simple office job is exactly what she needs.
It's a good job and it pays better than a simple office job should.
Not that she needs the money...
It's simpler than the old her would have liked,
but she has no ambitions to aim higher.
Day by day, she survives.
Does the best she can.
Dives into her research work and deliveries good results.
It's lonely,
but she rarely is in a mood to talk anyway.
The best part is that she doesn't have to think about anything but the subject she's currently researching.
She was always good at blocking all else and just read.
Probably that's the reason she's even able to work at all.
Her colleagues make light conversation with her in the dining hall.
So she starts to take her lunch with her.
She has no energy for small talk and gossip,
But she doesn't want to be rude either.
Most days her lunch stays untouched until the day is due.
Many days she goes home and is not sure if she has eaten or not.
Then she orders Chinese takeaway...
Or pizza.
Any food that doesn't remind her of Hogwarts.
Any food that doesn't taste like memories.
.
.
.
Spring -99
Empty
The growing hours of daylight and the warming rays of sunshine,
They're supposed to make her feel better.
Isn't she supposed to be happier now that the pressuring greyness of winter has passed?
Isn't she supposed to start getting her life back?
Isn't she?
But what is the life she could get back?
What is there to go back to?
Hogwarts?
Ron?
The golden trio?
Gryffindor?
All gone.
All passed.
All unreachable.
She's staring out of the window at some kids playing in the park.
And the weight of her feels too much to carry.
She doesn't cry anymore.
Almost like her tears have run out.
Doesn't memorize any more
Doesn't dream
Doesn't...
Anything.
Goes to work
And comes home to sit by the window.
And there's nothing left of her.
Just this hollow emptiness.
.
.
.
May the 2nd, 1999
It's the middle of the night
A year from when it all happened
And Harry does not pick up his phone.
She's standing in the darkness of her home
Squeezing the phone against her chest
Harry does not pick up
Tonight of all nights
Tonight,
When just hearing him breathe would be enough.
When she just needs the confirmation,
That what they did was good,
Was worth it,
And enough.
But he does not pick up!
And she's falling,
Through layers and layers of hard ice.
All the way to the icy cold depths of dark waters
Suffocating.
Before she knows what's happening,
she's running,
Through the streets of muggle London with only one place in mind.
Before she gets to think further,
she's standing on a bridge.
Trains clank under her
And she knows where her next step will be:
To emptiness...
And there'll be no more pain.
"You don't want to do that Granger."
She startles at the sound of her name.
He's standing there.
Pale and dark,
Like an angel of death.
Honestly, she's not really sure if He's real or not.
Because how can he be here?
No one goes here.
No one muggle
And even less anyone magical.
Let alone someone like Him.
She planned to do this here,
because no one goes here!
"Come on" he's still talking.
Like he was real
"lets go."
He takes her hand.
She looks down,
The Dark Mark, a symbol of death, stares at her.
His Dark Mark and her mudblood scar.
And she thinks this must be a dream.
So she follows him,
Off the bridge
Away from oblivion.
Doesn't say a thing when He apparates them back to her door.
Doesn't ask how he knows where she lives.
Doesn't wonder how he found her.
Doesn't even get angry at him for interfering.
Just let's him in.
Sits on her sofa and stares at her hands.
He doesn't leave like she thought he would.
But stands on her hallway,
Silent.
"Do you know what happens to a deer when the train hits it?" he asks after a while.
She says nothing.
"It goes into atoms. Becomes mince."
He pauses,
"when the train stops its almost impossible to tell what hit it."
She closes her eyes and draws breath.
"They'd have to bury you in pieces, "
She never thought of that.
The pain of others never popped to her head.
"why were you there?" she whispers.
And finally looks at him.
He shrugs
Morbidly
"I go there, to think how it would be to jump in front of the train"
"Why something so muggle? Why not do it with magic?"
He shrugs again, "Why don't you?"
She doesn't know why,
But she stands up to go stand before him.
"My magic doesn't work right." she tells him quietly.
Tilts her head up to look at him.
And it really is Malfoy.
She wasn't sure until now.
"They took my magic from me." He says.
And his eyes look right into hers.
"I don't feel anything anymore."
She doesn't even know why she's talking.
Maybe just because he's here.
He huffs, "I'm banished from the wizarding society."
His eyes flash
And something stirs.
"I'm all alone."
It's starting to feel like a competition.
"Everyone I loved is either in prison or dead."
"I was ready to jump, "
"Do you think that was the first time I was on that bridge?"
"You already told me it wasn't."
This is probably the most words she has said the whole year.
"I just want to feel something else than emptiness!" she whispers silently.
"I can't help you." He says coldly.
And suddenly it's there.
Like a whip of fire against her face,
Anger.
"I didn't ask you to!"
She spits the words out of her mouth.
Her face warms up,
blood tingles in her fingers.
And because she has nothing to loose
Nothing to gain
Nothing to get
Nothing to give.
And because it's too hard to face this day alive.
And because he made her feel anger,
And anger is more than nothing.
She takes a hold of the front of his shirt and slams their lips together.
.
.
.
She has only kissed a handful of boys in her life.
She's a virgin
Because she saved herself for Ron.
Saved herself
And Ron went with Lavender
And then he fucking died!
But she doesn't think about that now.
Now, that he doesn't push her away
But against the wall.
Now, that she doesn't even try to get rid of him,
But his clothes.
He's not gentle.
She doesn't want him to be.
It's not beautiful,
Not romantic,
Not healing,
Or comforting.
But not a cry for help either.
It's a car crash
A hurricane
An inferno.
It's emptiness blended with anger.
Almost violence
Both ways.
And she doesn't care.
Not about the blood her nails draw from his back,
Or the hiss he makes when she bites his lip.
Or the inevitable bang of pain when he pushes into her.
She urges him on
even when every move feels like she's going to break in two.
There's a sick part of her that wants it.
Wants the pain.
Because it's other than emptiness.
She pulls his hair and he bites her neck.
When it's over he let's go of her.
And she slides against the wall to the floor.
Draws her knees to her chest.
Closes her eyes.
Hears him leaving the room
And coming back two seconds later.
"You should have told me,"
She opens her eyes.
There's blood in his hands.
"I didn't want to,"
She closes her eyes again.
But he lowers himself on the floor in front of her.
And when she blinks,
all she sees are his quicksilver eyes.
Cold
But not only,
Not completely...
"You're not right."
She laughs hollowly, "neither are you."
"I didn't try to off myself."
She just shrugs.
"Are you going to try again when I leave?"
She thinks about it for a while.
Going back and finally jumping.
But at the moment the effort feels too much.
"not today."
He says nothing after that.
Puts on his clothes and leaves.
Maybe she should have thanked him...
But it didn't feel like heroism.
.
.
.
Guilt comes later.
She's standing in front of her bathroom mirror.
Staring at the bite marks on her neck.
And suddenly Ron is there...
His face instead of hers in the mirror.
His blue eyes looking at her
Like he was angry
And disappointed.
"Seriously Hermione? Him of all people?"
She can hear him
Crystal clear
Like he was really here.
"You could have taken anyone! Gone to bar and hit on someone muggle. But Him!"
She hadn't really thought about it then,
But picking Draco Malfoy,
Was like dancing on Ron's grave.
There was no one worse she could have done it with.
No one would have made Ron more furious.
"You gave what was mine to Malfoy!?"
She feels the tears before they pour over.
"You're gone!" She tells him.
And then they come.
Tears she has been holding back,
For so long she thought there were none left.
It's not sadness
But guilt.
She gave away what she saved for him.
She let him kiss her,
right on the marks of her last memory of Ron.
Now the only kisses her lips remember are the last ones she got...
Draco's.
And Ron would have hated it.
The mirror image of Ron stares at her despising
"look what you did." it whispers.
And she wants to hide,
Or scream,
Or throw things.
" You're not here!" she sobs, "I've got nothing left!"
"Excuses." Ron spits at her.
"I'm sorry!"
She puts her face against the mirror and sobs, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I just miss you so much!"
And he just stares back like she had crossed one too many lines.
But at least he's with her again...
.
.
.
Two days later there's a knock at her door.
Two days later and he's back.
Two days and she hasn't left her home.
Hasn't gone to work.
Hasn't answered her phone.
Doesn't remember eating.
Isn't going to open the door.
"Granger if you won't open I'm going to force myself in!"
Last time his visit brought her Ron.
Last time...
So she goes to the door and opens.
He pauses mid another knock,
Bang,
Hand raised.
For a moment she thinks he's not going to be able to cancel the movement,
That his fist meant for the door is going to hit her face instead.
She wonders would she be angry then?
Or just as empty as now.
As yesterday.
As always.
"Still here?" He raises an eyebrow.
She shrugs.
And let's him in.
Some other day she'd wonder why he's back?
Some other day she'd ask why does he bother?
Some other day she'd tell him he's not welcome.
This is not that day.
He sits down on her sofa without another word.
And she looks at him,
Looking out the window,
Dressed all in black.
His words from the day before come back to her: "Everyone I loved is either in prison or dead."
And then: "They took my magic from me."
He's here because he has nowhere.
No one.
He's here because he has nothing,
Because he is nothing.
Like her...
Some other day she'd know it's not healthy,
Or right
Or healing.
This is not that day.
So she goes
Straddles him
and tears off his clothes.
And he lets her.
Maybe that was why he came after all.
Some other day she'd care.
But this is not that day,
Neither is tomorrow,
Or a week from now,
Or a month,
Or...
115 days later
Time moves
Nothing changes
And everything does
But him
They never agreed on anything
She never told him to come back
He never checked she'd be home
But he does
And she is
And so it has been
For weeks
Months
The blackness is a little easier to stand
When you know the pattern.
And he brings her Ron
Because after every fuck Ron's there in her bathroom mirror
Calling her horrible names
Blaming her of things she did when he was still alive
Blaming her of things she does now
Whispering accusations in her ear
About how she doesn't care anymore
About how awful it is to avoid the people who love her
And spend time with Malfoy instead.
Slut
Bitch
Whore
Cheap
Ignorant
Pathetic
Not worthy
Brightest witch... Bullshit!
And she sits on the floor and cries
Feeling like she's a glass vase thrown to a hard floor
Over
and over
And over again
She's the cullet crunching in his feet as he stomps
But at least he's here.
He's hers
Her secret
Only hers
.
.
.
Draco never asks how she is,
How her day was?
How she's doing?
Never wonder aloud why she's crying in the toilet.
Never bothers her in her grief.
But he's there
And he's consistent
Every time she opens the door
It's like there's relief in his eyes
Like he cared that she's still alive.
He's not her savior
Far from it
And what they have is not romantic
Not even with rose-colored glasses
It's not really a relationship
They never really talk
He knocks
She opens
They fuck
She goes to the bathroom for Ron to talk her down
He never leaves before she comes out
But as soon as she has collected herself enough, he goes
She doesn't mind
Because he will come back
At least she can count on that.
He doesn't take the emptiness
But somehow
Somehow
He's standing there With her.
She'd thank him
But she knows he doesn't really do it for her.
.
.
.
When it feels like too much She still walks the streets of muggle London
Stands on that bridge where trains clank by.
And thinks how it would feel To be freed.
But she's not sure anymore If jumping would really free her
Or trap her further.
And then she thinks of Draco
Knocking at her door
And finding no one there.
Draco would be alone then.
Completely alone
Would he come to the bridge then?
Would he jump?
His blond hair smeared in blood...
She doesn't like the idea.
So she goes back home
And opens the door when he knocks.
.
.
.
Ginny gives birth to a son
A son with messy red hair and emerald eyes
A son of the boy-who-lived
A son that gives Harry what he never had,
A family.
She stands in their living room
And feels like sinking.
Because when she looks at Harry with a baby in his arms all she feels is jealousy.
James Ronald Sirius.
Harry's eyes sparkle.
And just by looking at him,
She knows, He's over Ron dying.
Even when she understands you never really fully get over your best friend dying.
But the worst part for Harry is over.
He can look back without thinking he's going to fall on his knees every time he thinks of Ron.
He can say his name without sorrow strangling his throat like he can't breathe.
He can name his son after him without feeling like his stealing something.
There's happiness in his eyes.
There's joy in Ginny's
There's an overflow of love in their house.
And Molly laughing when the baby curls his fingers around hers.
Life has taken over death.
They've closed a door of tragedy
And she's left outside in the blizzard alone.
This is the future she could have belonged with Ron.
The future she fought a war to have.
The future she gave her parents
Her education
Her everything
For.
And jealousy makes her feel like she's going to vomit.
She hates herself for it.
It's not really their fault!
But a little nagging noise in the back of her head tells her quietly, "Isn't it though? It was always their war."
But she chose to participate!
She had options
Did she though?
Suddenly she wishes Draco could be there
Suddenly she glances around
Like he'd be there
Standing in the corner eyeing them gloomily
Suddenly she realizes he'd get her
He'd know how it feels
He wouldn't judge her for her envy
He'd hold her safety rope
And prevent her from going under
Because that's what they did to each other...
.
.
.
It's already late
She's sitting on her sofa staring in the darkness
He didn't come today
She doesn't want to be disappointed
Doesn't want to care
Wants to ignore the feeling she misses him
Maybe it's because she misses Ron
And he has a way to bring Ron to her.
That must be it.
It's over midnight
She's still on the sofa
And he knocks.
But tonight
Tonight's the night she breaks the pattern.
Doesn't get up
The door is open
If he wants to he can come in.
She's too spent to get up and go to the door.
There's nothing she can give him tonight.
But secretly she hopes he'll come in anyway.
He does.
"What happened?"
He knows something is different today
It's been the same for months
He knows change means something.
He doesn't come close to her
Stays in the doorway
But he asks
So she tells him, "Harry had a son."
He waits for her to continue
She turns to look at him.
"I can't be happy for him! I stand in there and the house is so full of love it's pouring out the windows. And all I can feel is Jealousy!"
She's almost shouting.
Almost crying
Almost desperate
But only almost.
He's still silent.
"All I want is to be a part of that love! I want to feel happy for them! I want to look at their child and feel the overflowing happiness and love they all feel! I want to be proud that their child can live in a good, safe world because of what we did!"
She goes to stand before him, "But I don't! I'm just bitter and sad and angry and envious! And then I feel awful and then I realize it's not about me. That I'm selfish on top of everything."
She should shut up!
"I'm in the middle of people I'm supposed to love the most and I find myself wishing you'd be there! Because at least then there'd be someone there who's soul is as dark as mine! At least someone would know what I'm thinking about and wouldn't judge me!"
She should shut the fuck up!
"I want to be something else than this bitter awful person!"
"you're not" he whispers so quietly it's not probably meant to be heard.
That's it
This is how she breaks down
This is how she falls
"Draco..." she takes a step closer.
Knows it's a bad idea
Knows it's not fair for him
Or herself.
Knows it's emotionless and wrong
Knows it might just make her worse
And still lifts her hand to caress his arm
Still leans to whisper in his ear
"I want to pretend...just this once..."
She takes a breath
Hopes it comes out as seductive,
"just for tonight...?"
Could you hold me like you loved me?
She's not sure if she said it aloud.
Or just thought it in her mind and hoped he'd understand.
He doesn't answer, but leans a little further to look at her.
His eyes unreadable.
She's sure he's going to tell her not to be stupid.
He doesn't,
But kisses her
Different than ever before
Pulls her close
Buries his hands to her hair
Surrounds her with heat.
...Guess it's a yes
