Chapter 5
During the night, Trip had strongly suggested that Malcolm go back to his quarters to get some rest, assuring the armory officer that he would be fine alone with Jon, but would call if he needed help.
Trip had quietly crawled into Jon's bed, holding the older man close to him before drifting to sleep. He woke to the sound of Jon softly sobbing. "Honey? What's wrong?"
"I'm sorry, Trip. I'm sorry I fucked up again. I know you hate me right now and you don't need to deal with a drunk in your life. I'm-I'm going to resign, go back to Earth and leave you alone. Starfleet deserves better… you deserve better than a drunk who's always screwing up your life."
Trip bolted up. "Like hell you will! Jon, we both knew that you'd have your little stumbles along the way, and it's ok, we'll get through this."
Jon shook his head. "You have enough to worry about right now and you don't need me around to make your life more difficult."
Trip's jaw clenched. He reached into the pocket of his uniform, that he was still wearing, and pulled out the ring. He held it up to Jon. "Do you remember the inscription?"
Jon nodded. "My best friend. My heart. My soul. My universe. From now until eternity."
Trip gave him a soft look. "When I had this ring inscribed, I meant every word, it came from the heart. All these years later, all we've been through, I still mean every word of it. Jon, you are my heart, soul and universe and none of your mistakes will ever change that. Now, can you honestly say that over the years I haven't made mistakes that upset you?"
The corner of Jon's lip twitched. "You've made plenty of mistakes that ticked me off."
"Do you love me any less because of those mistakes?"
Jon looked at him in shock. "No! Of course not!"
"Then you see? We all make mistakes. Darlin', I couldn't love you less for your mistakes just like you wouldn't love me less for mine."
Jon looked down for a moment. "Well, there was one mistake I made that caused you to leave me."
Trip's heart instantly broke. "No sweetheart, I made the mistake. I shouldn't have been so impatient. I should have understood that you were just doing your job and that you were coming back. I was too young then, too impulsive and too demanding. I've learned from that mistake and now that I have this second chance with you, I have no intention of letting you go again."
Jon nodded. "So… you're not mad at me?"
"I didn't exactly say that either. I'm just saying that I understand you made a mistake. Look, uh, Phlox wants to see you for a session this morning and he's asked that I be there. I think we should put this conversation on hold until then, so that we each have someone to help us express our thoughts without accidentally saying the wrong thing, or taking something the wrong way." Trip ran his fingers through Jon's dark hair. "Breakfast, then go see Phlox?"
Jon nodded. "I think that's a good idea."
§§§
Phlox could see the expression that the Captain was feeling embarrassed, guilty, ashamed and a little angry. "Why don't we start with what happened on Rigel. Lieutenant Reed has already told us that the Rigelain delegates would have found it insulting if you didn't participate in their custom of drinking the rye."
Jon nodded. "Yeah. I told them that I shouldn't have any, using the excuse that I was on duty." Jon slightly chuckled at the irony. "As if that never stopped me before. Anyways, when they said that refusing was the equivalent of breaking a deal, I felt cornered. I was sent there to make sure the trade treaty was signed and that Starfleet would get the braxiom minerals they wanted."
"Braxiom? What's that?" Trip asked.
Jon shrugged his shoulders. "Some kind of mineral that's indigenous to the Rigel system. From what I understand, it's lightweight, but once processed, melted, tempered and formed, it hardens to a density greater than titanium. Starfleet wants to try it for building materials, possibly incorporating it into a ship's haul."
Trip looked thoughtful for a moment. "Interesting. I'm going to have to keep my eye on that project."
"Yes, well that's all very fascinating, but let's stay focused shall we. So you took the drink in order to keep from insulting them." Phlox said to keep the process moving forward.
Jon nodded. "It was just a small sip to appease them, and I set the glass down right away, but…"
"But what, Captain?"
Jon's eyes started to water as he stared off. "I couldn't look away from the glass. I remember someone talking, but I really wasn't hearing what they said. I just kept looking at the glass, wanting to pick it up and drink it all. It was like that glass had some kind of spell over me, beckoning me to it."
Trip winced at the wording, recalling a friend from college that had a drug addiction. 'It's like a spell that can't be broken.' His friend had once told him, just before he entered a rehab program for treatment. The last time Trip had ever seen his old friend.
Trip's thoughts were broken when he heard Phlox continuing. "But you didn't drink it?"
Jon shook his head. "No. I tried, I tried very hard to ignore it, ignore the craving. During the party more drinks were served. There were people walking around with trays of drinks, glasses and bottles sitting on the tables around the platters of food, everywhere I looked… there was a drink ready for me to take at any time I wanted it. I knew I had to get out of there, but every time I tried to make an excuse to leave, someone would grab me by the arm, talk to me or drag me to someone that I just 'had to meet.' I don't know, I got so overwhelmed by the smell, when I noticed that Malcolm was talking to one of the Rigelain security officers, I made my way to one of the food tables and made myself a plate. Before Malcolm noticed, I hurried to take a shot. I thought that maybe a little would stop the calling, stop the shaking, stop the voices."
Trip sat up shocked by what Jon had just said. "Voices? Jon… are you saying you hear voices in your head?"
Phlox immediately jumped in to explain before Trip could draw conclusions of insanity. "Not in that context, Commander. He's referring to his conscience. It's quite common when one has an addiction that they're trying to manage, to hear their conscience, or voices rather, telling them to give in to the addiction, to continue the cycle of harming themselves, while another part of their conscience is telling them that it's wrong and they shouldn't give in to it."
Trip nodded, now understanding. "Angel on one shoulder, Devil on the other."
Jon looked away. "Yeah. This time the devil won. After I took the shot, I felt a little better, relaxed, but I still wanted more. When I saw Malcolm slipping away from the room, I knew that I had my chance. I felt guilty while doing it, all I kept thinking about was how disappointed Trip would be with me."
Jon reached over and took Trip's hand giving a firm squeeze. "I'm sorry honey, I'm so sorry I let you down."
Trip squeezed Jon's hand in return. "Darlin', I know how hard you've been trying for the past 6 months, I see the struggle in you every day. I'm not going to lie or sugar coat this, yes I'm disappointed, but I understand and forgive you. Most importantly, I still love you."
Phlox smiled at the affection between the pair, but he still had a task to perform, as unpleasant and harsh as it may seem. "I think this would be a good time for the Commander to express his thoughts and feelings regarding your continued drinking."
Trip nodded, trying to put into words how he felt without making it sound like a threat or wind up ending things between himself and Jon just as it was getting started again. "I guess it's kind of bothered me that we've known each other for so many years and I didn't realize that you had a problem. Hell Jon, we lived together for 3 years and I didn't see it. It kind of makes me feel like I haven't been a very good friend or lover to you, that something this huge could slip past me so easily."
Jon shook his head. "Trip… I started to sneak alcohol when I was 14. My dad never figured it out, neither did anyone else. As I got older, especially in the academy, I got damned good at sneaking it past all of the instructors and admirals. So you see? It's not because you're a bad friend or lover, I'm just good at hiding it from everyone."
Trip looked away for a moment. "And that's what scares me the most. You're so good at hiding your addiction, what happens if it gets out of control again? Jon, I love you, but I don't want my children growing up with an alcoholic father."
Jon gulped. He never considered the future with children in it, but now that he was trying to start over with Trip, knowing that the young man wanted several children, it was time to think of these things.
He wrapped his arms around Trip. "I'm so sorry. You're right, I need to get control of this, not just for you, but for our children someday. I just… I didn't want to offend them and screw up the trade deal."
Phlox cleared his throat. "Might I suggest that in the future, you simply say that you have a medical condition and can't consume alcohol? It wouldn't really be a lie."
Jon nodded. "Good idea. I guess I knew I screwed up when I saw the look on the Rigelains faces after I downed that glass of something they called a Gronk Hammer… at least that's what the universal translator said. Hell, I don't even know how I made it back to the ship. All I know is that I woke up with you sleeping next to me. Did we, uh…?"
Trip shook his head. "No. Malcolm got you back home without anyone seeing. Phlox gave you an injection to knock your dumb ass out and I stayed to make sure you didn't wake up and start staggering the halls."
"Oh. Ok." Jon thought for a moment. "Then why can't I shake this feeling that I did or said something stupid last night?"
Trip and Phlox gave each other a look. Trip smirked and leaned towards Jon. "Well, you were insistent with wanting to dance with me. And you kind of implied that you wanted a 4-way… with Malcolm and Phlox."
Jon's eyes popped and he turned a bright tomato red. "Oh my god! No I didn't."
Phlox chuckled. "Well, one thing about alcohol is that it lowers your inhibitions and sometimes people let slip the things they would normally keep secret. I'm flattered Captain, but truthfully, I never thought of you in the romantic fashion."
Jon slid down in his chair, covering his face with his hands. "Oh god, I feel like a fool."
After they finished the session, and Jon listening to the startling accounts of his actions the previous night, he was now more determined than ever to swear off alcohol for the rest of his life.
As he and Trip walk together down the hall, Jon laughed a little. "You know, one thing I might have been a little honest about last night."
"Yeah? What's that?" Trip shot a look out the corner of his eye.
Jon smiled. "I would love to dance with you again. I've really missed that."
Trip smiled back at him. "I've missed dancing with you too. When my leg is up to it, I promise that we'll spend a night dancing until we both drop."
"Going to hold you to that, Trip. God, I still can't believe that I implied sleeping with you, Malcolm and Phlox… of all people! Malcolm, maybe. Phlox? Not in a million years!"
Trip chuckled. "I don't know, Jon. Three wives each having three husbands? I'll bet our mild-mannered doctor is a completely different person behind closed doors. Can't even imagine all the kinky stuff he might have picked up. Besides, I don't think Malcolm swings in our direction."
Jon shook his head. "I don't know… sometimes I get the sense that he's keeping his true nature under wraps, or he's at least curious."
Trip ushered Jon into his quarters, wrapping his arms around Jon's waist. "Are you saying that you want some tomfoolery with your tactical officer?"
Jon shrugged as he smirked. "Come on, you can't deny that Malcolm has a charming sex appeal. Besides, it's not like we haven't done that before. In fact, if I recall correctly, you said it was the best experience you've ever had."
Trip rolled his eyes. "First off, that was because I had a fantasy come true. Second, I was younger and still had a lot of wild in me. Third, I don't even remember that guy's name or what he looked like, it was so long ago. Fourth, I'm pretty sure we were both very wasted when we picked that guy up. And finally, if we tried that with Malcolm, I'm sure he'll forget all about ranks while he's kicking both of our asses halfway back to Earth."
Jon chuckled. "I'm sure you're right. Besides, I have no intentions of ever sharing you with someone else again. That night was just a one time thing for both of us to live out a fantasy. Now, if you'd ever like to indulge another fantasy… that little dance you promised? Can you make it a striptease?" Jon gave a wicked grin.
