Chapter 106
If there was one thing she was enjoying about her time in the past, it was definitely getting to know her husband.
She loved Steve, don't get her wrong. There was nothing she wouldn't do to get back to the future version of him and their two children.
But there was a certain level of joy she was ascertaining by flirting with the current, pre-serum version of him.
Being in the past was a tricky thing. She'd already admitted the truth to her aunt and the Colonel, but she was also well aware that she would not be able to tell anyone else the truth about what was to come.
She couldn't tell them about Red Skull and the awful things that he'd do. Or that Bucky would fall from a freighter train and be held captive by a very much undefeated HYDRA. She couldn't tell her father that he'd be murdered by HYDRA alongside with her mother. She couldn't tell them that Peggy would be riddled with what seemed to be Alzheimer's for years when she learned the truth about her parents. Because they were unaware of her predicament. Because each one of those truths could change too much about the future.
If Bucky didn't fall off the train, Steve would probably never crash his plane. He wouldn't be in the future to help the fights the Avengers faced, and he wouldn't be there to help defeat Thanos. They probably never would have been married.
If he didn't fall of that train, HYDRA would never have been able to have created the Winter Solider and her parents would still be alive.
If her parents were still alive, Peggy wouldn't have investigated their deaths and be attacked for her actions.
If her parents were alive, she'd potentially have never been captured in Afghanistan or have become Iron Woman.
Too much could change, because of a few words whispered out of place.
She looked over at where Steve was drawing something, as she worked on her suit. The parts present in the 40s were abysmal at best, but she needed to fix it up. It was the only piece of technology she'd had on her, and well, perhaps if she was able to modify it, it could work to her advantage.
The time travel device they'd invented combined the quantum realm with the time and space stone readings.
And the arc reactor her father had initially come up with was designed with readings from the space stone.
Meaning she had one element already to be able to transport herself back towards the future.
She just needed to recreate a device to allow her to access the quantum realm and combine it with the readings she had in her head from the time stone.
It was a real good thing that she had an excellent memory, or she might have been in a worse off shape.
Perhaps it was unwise to be working on her suit in the quarters she shared with Peggy while her future husband was in the room, but well, she never had been one for great decisions.
Besides, she enjoyed his company.
"You never talk about yourself," Steve said after several moments. She noticed his eyes didn't leave the page except for the occasional glance in his direction. Whatever it was that he was drawing had greatly captured his attention.
"I talk quite a bit," she shot back.
"About your food preferences, or your dislike for our uniform," he said, giving her a glance, "But not the big things. Why did you join the war efforts? It's not every day you see a woman on the frontlines."
"Do you have a problem with me being here?" she asked him playfully and he blushed at that.
"No Ma-am," he told her, in his honest to God pure voice, "I respect anyone willing to fight for their country. But clearly you're a married woman," he said, gesturing to the ring on her finger, "What does your husband think about you being away from home? I assume he's not part of this unit, or the other men would be leaving you alone."
"I just sort of fell into it, I guess," she said, not really able to give him more than that, "My husband…he's a good man. The kindest man you'd ever meet. Has a real heart of gold. I never meant to leave him behind, and if I could be back with him, I would. But I'm here now, and all that matters is that we all get through this so we can go home to our families."
"He sounds like a good husband," Steve said, and she couldn't quite decipher what it was in his voice.
She studied the man in front of her, trying to figure it out.
Was he jealous?
She couldn't help but feel slightly amused at that.
She pushed her suit aside as she made her way over to her future husband.
"He is," she said, sitting beside him on the bed, knowing for the time period it was less than proper. Especially for the two of them to be alone in a room. But Steve didn't have many friends; so sue her if she liked hanging out with her husband in any time period.
She could see his breathing hitch slightly at that, as a red hue filled his face.
She looked down at his artwork and saw that he'd drawn a portrait of her.
She'd always known that he was a good artist. He'd spent so many hours in her lab sketching her work, or their family together, and every time she was blown away by his talent.
But seeing him draw her when the two of them were alone in this intimate setting was something else entirely.
Part of her wished that he was her husband. It wasn't the serum that made him her husband. If her Steve lost the serum and returned back to the state the man in front of her currently was in, she'd still be attracted to him. She loved him for his heart. For his mind. For his soul.
But the man in front of her, despite having the beginnings of the man she'd fallen in love with, was not her husband.
He hadn't stood up in front of the world to declare his feelings for her while telling them to stop their false depictions of her. He wasn't the one who moved their wedding date up months and had a rushed wedding so they could adopt their son. The one who held her each night as they slept.
"It's beautiful," she commented, as she lightly touched his arm.
He beamed brightly at that and looked slightly torn.
"I don't know if your husband would appreciate the two of us being alone together," he said, ever the boy scout, "I should leave before someone gets the wrong impression."
"I think my husband would understand, given the circumstances," she commented lightly. Hopefully her Steve wouldn't be too mad that she'd flirted with him in the past.
"Still," he said, standing, "Have yourself a good night, Ms Rhodes."
"You too, Steve," she said, as she kissed his cheek, causing the red on his face to grow further.
He quickly turned to leave, but not before Peggy saw him face to face. Steve didn't say much to her, other than greeting her with a dazed voice, and quickly walked down the hall.
Peggy glanced at her, as if to try and dissect their relationship future.
"I was bored," she said simply, and Peggy looked very much like she didn't believe her.
"If you say so," Peggy said, "However if you find that you have some excess energy to kill, I'm sure there are more productive ways to do so."
She groaned. She very much did not need to be having a sex talk with her Aunt about her future husband.
It did occur to her that perhaps she was disrupting something else by her presence. While Peggy Carter very much loved Daniel Sousa, her love story with Steve was still one of legends. And well, this Steve wasn't hers quite yet.
But her Aunt did not seem jealous of their time alone, rather more so concerned about how Toni was handling herself.
She felt a twinge of jealousy herself; she'd thought she was long since over her feelings of worry for the two's former lover affair, and somehow, finding herself right dab in the centre of it was far less than pleasant.
She knew the two of them were supposed to be together, even if they wouldn't end up together. But that didn't mean she would enjoy seeing them as a couple. Not when he was supposed to be hers.
Though it did give her much to ponder upon.
It took exactly two days in the past before she finally came face to face with him.
Two days where she constantly dodged soldiers attempts to hit on her, despite the wedding band she wore proudly on her finger. So much so to the point where several had made a point to say that they could show her a better time than her supposed weak husband ever could. As if the reasons she'd joined the wartime effort was to be the man in their relationship. What a sexist notion.
If only they knew that her husband was about as masculine as it got, and she was very, very, much in love with him.
She flipped over an additional five men before the others finally seemed to get the message and steered clear from trying to hit on her. But it didn't stop some of the side remarks that still often came her or Peggy's way.
She'd grown up in the seventies. She'd been a woman in tech in the eighties. She knew sexism in the tech industry all too well. But sexism in the military? That was an entirely other story.
She'd always respected her Aunt Peggy for her part in the war. But seeing first-hand just what it was that she had to deal with on a regular basis increased that respect ten-fold.
"Well if it isn't our resident elusive spy!" a voice behind her said, and she felt every ounce for body freeze up. She knew that voice. It was one she hadn't heard in about thirty years, but even younger, it was completely recognizable.
Her father.
She turned around, expecting to see the war hardened man that she knew all too well. The war had been going on for years now, so she wouldn't be surprised if he was already affected by everything that had happened.
The first world war had been horrible.
But the Nazis? They were a different breed of awful. She couldn't even imagine what it would do to anyone who had to fight in that war and have first-hand knowledge of the atrocities that were committed.
However instead of the man filled with so much anger that she knew all too well, she was greeted by the sight of a man smiling brightly at her. As if it were some sort of joke that she were a spy that he found hilarious.
"Howard Stark," he greeted her, extending a hand. "Is Toni short for something?"
"No," she lied, knowing her father couldn't know the truth about her name if she wanted to avoid telling him who she was. "My parents assumed I was going to be a boy."
"Well, it suits you," he grinned, "Now tell me all about this suit of yours. I've heard so many second-hand accounts about it, and I'm dying to see it first-hand. I don't know if you know who I am, but I'm something of a futurist myself, and I love seeing extraordinary technology. Perhaps you've heard of the Stark Expo?"
"Can't say that I have," she said, knowing that Stark Industries was still a new company at the time and hardly a household name like it would be in later years.
The fact that she was the reason why it became that way was not something she would be able to rub in his face, much to her chagrin. Because until her, Stark Industries specialized in military technology.
She was the one who created technology for the masses.
"No matter," he said dismissively, not all that upset that she pretended to have no idea who he was. "Perhaps if you allow me to see your suit, I can work on it with you? Something like that, it could do great things for the war effort."
"I'm afraid it's all just bells and whistles," she said, desperately wanting this conversation to end, "Doesn't actually work, you see."
It did occur to her that this was perhaps the longest conversation she'd had with him without him admonishing her once.
"What a shame," he said, sounding genuinely disappointed, "Were you the creator? I'd love to have you down in my lab. Perhaps we can bounce some ideas off each other."
It would be a lot easier to claim that it wasn't her suit. That someone else had made it, so it would end the conversation.
But sue her if a part of her, no matter how petty, wanted her father to know that she had indeed been the one to create something that was widely considered to be one of the greatest technological innovations of all times.
"I did," she said, "But I'm not sure I'll be able to get away much to come down and visit. What with all the training exercises."
And well Peggy had been making a show of personally training Toni herself.
"A real shame," he repeated, light heartedly. "Well, think about it, will you? I'd love to poke around that genius mind of yours. It's not every day I come across someone else here who has any inclination for how marvellous technology could truly be if we only utilized it to our advantages."
"I will," she said, sounding honestly more confused than ever.
Didn't her father hate her for being a woman?
Yet here he was, treating her like an equal when he didn't even know the first thing about her.
It was that question that left her wandering into the lunch hall in a daze as she sat down beside Peggy.
"What has you all in a tizzy?" Peggy asked her, as she ate one of the potatoes on her plate.
"I just met my father," she said in confusion. "He isn't anything like I knew him to be."
"What kind of man did you know?" Peggy asked her curiously.
"He hated me," she breathed out. It wasn't a secret to her Aunt in the future. It was why Aunt Peggy and Uncle Daniel had made such a big effort to include her in their lives. "Hated that I was a daughter instead of a son. Hated that I was smarter than he'd ever be."
Peggy looked shaken at that, and well, given the Howard Stark she'd just met, she didn't quite blame her.
"Have you considered the fact that your father has not yet turned into that man?" Peggy asked her gently, "He might have been a terrible father to you in the future. But this Howard is not that person yet. Any anger you have towards your father cannot be shifted towards the man he currently is, because he simply hasn't done those things yet."
She hated the fact that it made sense to her. Her aunt was right. Howard was not yet that person.
But it didn't erase her crappy childhood either.
"You don't need to change your perceptions of him right away," Peggy said, sensing her inner turmoil. "I'm just saying to give him a chance."
"I'll think about it," she said finally, because she wasn't even sure if she'd be able to do just that.
Peggy nodded, letting the matter go, as Toni stabbed at her lunch, desperately wishing she could be back in her own time.
Toni had known that Steve was going to be picked for Erskine's experiment sooner or later. But it was a surprise to her when Phillips pulled her into a room with the scientist and Peggy.
"You," Phillips said, as she entered the room. "Does it work?"
"Does what work?" she asked, playing dumb.
"You know what," Phillips rolled his eyes, "Does his serum work?"
"I can't answer that," she told them, because the last thing she wanted to do was change the course of history. If she said the wrong thing and Steve didn't get the serum. Because without it, he'd never have one into the ice and never be the one who she fell in love with and had a life with. And even if he ended up in the ice somehow, he wouldn't have survived.
"This bleeding-heart scientist wants to use it on Rogers," Phillips said, with a snort, "We have a serum that allows you to have superhuman strength, and he wants to use it on a man with none to begin with."
"It's the right choice," Erskine said firmly.
"Hodge would be the right choice," Phillips said, incredulously. "He already is strong. We'd be enhancing that. Why waste it on a man who shouldn't even be in the army in the first place?"
"Either of them would be made strong if we gave it to them," Erskine told them, "But it matters more about what is in their heart. Hodge, simply put, is a bullheaded idiot. Giving him the serum would be like giving a nuke to a man who couldn't read the instructions. Rogers has a kind heart. He would use the powers wisely. It has to be him. There is no other choice. And we all know that."
"We don't even know if it will work," Peggy protested, but she could see her aunt studying her reaction, trying to see if Toni had any tells about what would happen. However she held her poker face, refusing to give anything away.
"For all we know it'll kill him," Phillips agreed.
"It will work," Erskine said, looking at them both. "You must trust in the science. There's nothing to show that it will fail."
"Fine," Phillips said, once he realized that Toni wouldn't give away anything on the matter, "We'll do this. But if he dies, his blood is on your hands."
She watched them argue back and forth a bit more, but knowing her presence wasn't really required any longer, she slipped out of the room to look for the man in question.
She found Steve sitting outside, as he looked deep in thought.
"Penny for your thoughts?" she asked, as she sat down beside him.
"I'm not sure a penny would cover all that's on my mind," Steve said honestly, and she wanted nothing more than to take his hand in hers and promise him that everything was going to be okay. But he wasn't hers to hold and the truth wasn't hers to tell.
"Why don't you try?" she asked him gently, and he sighed.
"Did you know I was rejected from the military several times?" Steve said finally. "Every single doctor told me that I was far too weak to survive if I enlisted. More of a liability than an asset, they told me. I tried using fake names and addresses and tried stuffing my clothes so that I'd weigh more. I've been sick my entire life. The doctors thought I'd die as a baby, but I survived. They thought I'd die before the age of five, then ten, then eighteen. But every time I survived. And finally, when I enlisted and Erskine was the doctor doing my tests, he told me he saw something in me and wanted to give me a chance."
She did know all of this about him, but she always heard him talk about it like it was so far in the past. Something he overcame, and something that was no longer an issue.
But to this Steve, it was all still raw. He was still fighting this battle every day. The battle to live, to survive.
"He wants me to be part of an experiment," Steve confessed, "It would make me stronger. More of an asset to the military. A new breed of super soldiers who can help win the war. In his words I was chosen because the serum would enhance everything inside me. Because I have compassion. And so good will become great."
"I think he's right about that," she told Steve, knowing he was doubting himself.
"I've never been strong enough for anything in my life," Steve told her, "And I'm terrified to get my hopes up. Terrified that it won't work, and that I'll always be this sick, frail man who doctors constantly think won't survive the night. Or that I won't survive it. A common flu nearly killed me once, how can I be strong enough for something like this? I want it so badly, but there's a million reasons to believe that it's not going to work, and how can I even let myself hope that it could?"
"Why did you join the military?" she asked him, despite him having given her an answer before. "Other than to serve your country?"
"Because it's the right thing to do," he told her, "I've wanted to fight for as long as I could remember. I never knew my father but I grew up on stories about him. I wanted to fight and be just as brave and strong as he was. To be as good as he was. But I never thought it would be possible. Even when my best friend was enlisted, I'd all but given up hope that I would ever even see a battlefield. I just wanted to be something more than the sick man. I want to stand up for the little guy; the ones who can't protect themselves. To fight the Nazis and do what's right for the world."
She touched his arm, and he exhaled. Gone was the man who blushed any time she looked in his direction, as he was overwhelmed with emotion for what was to come.
"Steve, you are one of the best people I know," she told him, and he didn't quite look like he believed her. "I mean it. Ever since I came here, I've felt so out of place and like I don't belong. I wanted nothing more than to go home to my family. But you have been there for me since the first day I met you. You've been a friend to me. You made me feel less alone here. And I'm just one person."
She took a deep breath, "I think you're going to be a good inspiration to those who learn your story," she told him, "Even without the serum. You're a man who gave everything so he could fight for what was right. You are the kindest man that I've ever met. The most caring and compassionate. I know that you would be willing to do anything for the people that you love, and that you would go to the ends of the world for them. And without you in my life, I have no idea what I'd do."
He looked awestruck by what she'd said, and she knew that he hadn't had a lot of other friends in his life other than Bucky. It was why he'd felt such a strong bond to the man, and why trying to help him overcome the HYDRA programming had been so important to him.
"It's going to be okay, Steve," she told him, as she took his hand in hers, despite her earlier misgivings about doing so. And just the action of being able to hold onto her future husband filled her with warmth. He might not have been the Steve that she'd fallen in love with, but she could see her future husband in the man before him. And he was very easy to fall for.
He squeezed her hand gently, as he offered her a smile, "Thank you for being my friend, Toni. I needed someone to talk to about all of this, and it means a lot to me that you were here for me."
"Always," she smiled, as she stood up, "It's getting late. You have a big day tomorrow, and you're going to need your rest for it."
He stood as well, as he walked her back to her room. She wished more than anything that she was with her husband so she could kiss him on the lips. But he wasn't hers. Not yet anyways.
So she settled for a kiss on the cheek instead, and she turned to go into her room so she wouldn't be tempted to do anything else.
