a/n: hi all

We're in the final stretch of this flashback term! I already know what happens, and I'm still excited. Here's the penultimate bit. I'm still working through it, but this weekend's finale may flood over into two chapters, so keep an eye out for that. I'll flag with an author's note if that's the plan.

As always, y'all are great and thank you, thank you for the reads and reviews.

Cheers,

EQT.95


Kate stared past the raucous around the pool table, beyond the crowd grouped near the plush furniture and toward the exterior glass that was blackened by the night behind it. The noise had slowly faded from its role as a distraction as the night progressed, and Kate felt a longing to be alone. She didn't hate many things, but she hated this night and what it would eventually transition into.

She glanced at her watch and scowled. She'd hoped it was later but couldn't stand the thought of staying a minute longer. After a sigh of resignation, she scanned for her jacket and navigated toward it. Setting down the warm, half-full beer she'd been nursing all night, she quickly picked up and slipped on the coat.

Another wave of laughter was enough distraction to slip out without drawing much attention. She'd spent the better part of the night on the periphery of conversations, keeping her involvement limited. She wanted the distraction but couldn't commit the energy needed to keep up with the social aspect. Finally, she allowed herself to escape, and she made her way toward the door when a voice called her back.

"Hey, Kate, hold up a sec."

"Oh, hey," she said as casually as she could.

"Everything ok?" Veronica asked, walking to her.

"What? Yea," Kate feigned surprise.

"Really? Because it's not even midnight, and you've got your jacket on," Veronica continued skeptically.

"I'm just going to call it early. Long week ahead, and I've neglected a mountain of homework."

"Homework is why you've looked like a zombie all night?" Veronica asked, her doubt apparent.

"I always look like a zombie."

"Seriously."

"Yea, you know… midterms are coming up, and I slacked all break," Kate said with a forced smile that made Veronica scowl.

"Want any company?" Veronica asked but could see Kate was already distractedly glancing at the door.

"No, that's ok; I won't get anything done with you around."

"Not wrong there," Veronica winked. "Message one of us when you get back, yea?"

"Yea."

"She ok?" Rory asked when Kate finally left.

"I'm not sure," Veronica said, a small scowl on her face.

"What's that? The all-knowing Ronica is in the dark?"

"Shut up, and give me your phone," Veronica said, holding out her hand.

"Can I get a 'please' in there?" Rory scowled.

"Please," Veronica sighed.

"Better," Rory said, slipping it from her back pocket. "What do you need it for?"

"I need a number."

"Who do I know that you don't?"

"Sophie Moore."


Kate let out a small sigh of relief when she opened the door to 409 and found it empty. Chelsea had returned early from break to Kate's surprise, and she was secretly banking on her taking advantage of Tony's roommate still being out of town for some continued solace. A quick message confirmed her plans for the night, and Kate flipped on a lamp and tossed her phone and jacket on the bed before collapsing onto the couch. It wasn't as comfortable hers and she regretted that she'd left it to 403. She wondered for an impractical moment whether Melvin would mind swapping the two out before realizing how ridiculous an image that would be. Not to mention Chelsea would be mortified to know her couch had resided in a boy's dorm for even a moment.

A knock drew her thoughts back to the dimly lit dorm. She glanced at the time and considered letting it go unanswered when the soft rap came again. With a small sigh she rose and walked to it.

"Hi," Sophie said cautiously when Kate opened it.

"No," Kate said, swinging the door closed.

"No, wait-" she said, reaching her arm out to stop the door. "Just… I just need a second."

"I'm not in the mood tonight, Sophie."

"Look, I-I know. And I know I'm the last person you want to see right now, but I just didn't… I wanted to make sure you were ok."

"I'm fine," Kate said tersely, her jaw set.

"No you aren't," Sophie challenged back, noting that there was a good chance Kate was half a second from slamming the door on her face. "You look miles from fine."

"75."

"What?"

"We're 75 miles from Fine, New York."

"That's a weird thing to know."

"Parlor tricks."

The beginning of a smile fell as Kate's words sank in. While this wasn't the indifferent Kate Sophie had come to see all semester, this still wasn't her Kate either. This Kate wore a mask to navigate life. This was the Kate from Gotham; the clever, quick-witted Kate with endless retorts and deflections who built up walls and lived one fleeting moment to the next, never letting herself be truly seen.

She'd had brief run-ins with this Kate before: she always made appearances when confronted with something that challenged her to be vulnerable. In hindsight, Sophie knew this was the Kate she'd met on her first day at Point Rock but it had slowly dissolved into the real Kate; her Kate.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about. Now please leave," Kate said, her eyes glancing at the way Sophie's fingers had shifted to intentionally wrap around the door frame.

"So it being March 23rd doesn't have anything to do with it?" Sophie challenged back.

Kate didn't say anything. She simply glared, her brow set in a scowl as she tried to silently bluff her way into making Sophie leave. A long moment passed in this silent standoff before Kate finally huffed and stepped away from Sophie.

For her part, Sophie knew better than to take this as an invitation to enter Kate's room. Instead she lingered at the doorway, watching Kate indecisively pause at her bed, then her desk, then the couch. Finally she turned back to Sophie; her scowl was gone. It had slowly been replaced with the feelings of loss and mourning that came with this day every year.

Kate crossed the room back toward the door. "Can you please just go?"

It wasn't commanded with anger like the previous times. In fact, all anger had left Kate. Instead it was a plea. A plea to be left alone to sink into those feelings of loss.

Sophie stared back at Kate, seeing the pain in the slight rounding of Kate's shoulders and the softness of her eyes.

"Ten minutes."

"What?"

"I'm going to wait here for ten minutes. If after that you still want me to go, I'll go."

Sophie waited as she watched Kate formulate her rejection and was surprised when she gave a small nod instead. It surprised her again when Kate silently slid to the floor and leaned against her bedframe. Sophie mimicked the gesture, sliding to sit, using the door frame as a backrest and straddling the division between Kate's room and the hall.

Minutes passed in silence, and Sophie wondered if Kate was simply biding her time until the tenth minute, but that too came and went without a word. She glanced inward to Kate and saw her gaze was set straight ahead, unmoved from when she first sat. Sophie wanted to ask what she was thinking about but knew better; this wasn't the moment to push Kate. Instead she too stayed silent and unmoving.

Another five minutes passed like this before a word was said:

"She was so much better than me."

The words startled Sophie.

"You don't give yourself enough credit," Sophie replied lightly.

Another minute passed in continued silence.

"My dad… Jacob was so taken by her. Everyone was. And rightfully so. Parents aren't supposed to have favorites, but Beth… it's like, we were so similar in so many ways but at the same time the exact opposite. I was such a little shit, always making problems and causing messes. I was the delinquent always trying to get Beth to join in."

Sophie saw the traces of a fond memory flash across Kate's face.

"There was this one time I convinced her to let me sit in on her math class. She was terrible at it, and Mr. Dougherty was half-blind and could never tell us apart."

Sophie smirked at the thought of the twins pulling one over on their teachers.

"We got into so much trouble when mom found out. She promised not to tell dad if we went and fessed up about it. I tried arguing my way out of it, but Beth folded immediately. The thing is, Beth only got into trouble because I convinced her to do it; she was ok getting a bad grade as long as it was done honestly."

"Dad was always livid with me, but Beth… Beth was all the things anyone ever wanted: clever, intuitive, creative, good. She was so sincere and good."

"Kate-"

"I hate that it was her," Kate admitted quietly. "Jacob would never admit it, but he thinks it too. He loved her more, and-and that's ok, you know? I don't blame him, because, well, because I loved her too. She was half of me. Beth took after my mom, and mom was… the best. I wish it wasn't... I wish it had been me that day-"

"Stop," Sophie said, unwilling and unable to let Kate finish her thought. "You are… Kate, you are so much more than you let yourself see."

"You have a pretty skewed impression then."

"No I don't," Sophie replied, half unable to comprehend the words coming from Kate.

"So which part am I not seeing? The part that was selfish for climbing out of the car first? The part that didn't think smart enough to convince her to follow? The part that was too cowardly to go back and save her?"

Sophie wasn't sure why she was so caught off guard by Kate's words. Perhaps it was because she hid her feelings so well or because she couldn't imagine that Kate could believe them in the first place. But one thing was becoming abundantly clear: these weren't once-a-year feelings. These thoughts were ingrained in who Kate saw herself as, and it explained why she lived and operated the way she did. Sophie had deduced parts of this side of Kate over time, but it was only now, on this rare occasion that she was granted a glimpse into all of the vulnerability.

"You aren't that thirteen year old girl anymore, Kate. You are every one of those things and more. I… I'm actually… do you not realize how much you resonate those qualities? Do you really not see it? You're working yourself to the point of being a martyr for this damn school. You are one of the most natural leaders I've ever known; you-you stir something in even the most stubborn and difficult to reach people, and you're braver than nearly anyone I know. You see through the bullshit and fight, Kate. You are anything but selfish or cowardly or unintelligent."

"I wish things had been different," Sophie continued. "I wish you could have grown up with Beth by your side, but I'll never wish it could've been her over you."

"That's because you never met her."

"But I've met you. And maybe you're right. Maybe Beth was everything you say, but that doesn't dull your brilliance, Kate."

Kate stared at the wall across from her, unspeaking for a moment. "Did you practice that?"

"All day in front of the mirror," Sophie replied lightly.

"Mm, knew it. It felt rehearsed."

"As long as it didn't feel scripted…"

"There were a few moments, but generally it sounded natural."

"I'll let my writers know," Sophie winked and saw the tug of a smile on Kate's lips. "I mean it though. Knowing you, I might as well be talking to that wall you're scowling at, but I'm glad you're alive. I'm glad you're here."

"I miss them," Kate said softly, sobering from their brief banter.

"I know."

"And this year just feels… harder? I don't know. I want to make them proud, but I don't feel like anything I've done makes up for the two best people I've ever known dying. I don't know how to compensate for that."

Sophie paused in thought. She wanted to tell Kate to snap out of it and think about it rationally, but that would be a severe oversimplification of the situation. This thinking wasn't based in rational thought; it was the guilt Kate carried for surviving.

"If you were a normal person I'd tell you that them dying doesn't mean you need to do three times more good to make up for it. But you're not a normal person, otherwise that conversation would have worked on you years ago. So instead, maybe… maybe don't try to do it all at once. You have the rest of your life to build an empire of good; it's irrational to think you could do it before you're legally allowed to drink."

Kate fell into silent thought at Sophie's words. On some level Sophie knew they'd have absolutely no effect on Kate's perception of herself, but a tiny part of her hoped Kate would give her perspective a second look.

"Thank you," Kate said genuinely. The words fell as a surprise on Sophie.

"I should be thanking you for not slamming the door in my face," Sophie said, trying to bring lightness back to the conversation.

"I was close," Kate smirked. "But you wouldn't look good with a broken nose."

"Honestly, I was surprised you opened it."

"Well, you weren't exactly the first person I expected to be behind the door," Kate admitted. "But I also wasn't really thinking it through."

"Fair. I'm about nine hours ahead of schedule; I prefer getting doors slammed in my face while the sun is up."

"Really?" Kate asked in surprise. "So why'd you come now?"

"A little bird messaged me."

"Who? Melvin?"

"V."

"Oh." Kate felt her stomach plummet as discomfort creeped all around her. Her eyes instinctively fell in unfamiliar shame. It wasn't that she thought what she had done was wrong, she just hated the feeling that came with revealing it to Sophie. She didn't know how V and Sophie knew each other, and in that moment it didn't cross her mind to ask. In that moment nothing crossed her mind except the irrational feeling that she'd just cheated on Sophie.

"She was concerned; said you weren't yourself," Sophie said to fill the emptiness between them. "She seems nice."

Kate remained silent, not trusting her voice to work.

A moment passed as Sophie built up the courage to ask what she'd already deduced: "Are you two…?"

Kate quickly shook her head. "I mean…no, it isn't… we aren't... it's casual."

Sophie watched as Kate fumbled with an explanation, her discomfort turning into a stream of words. It was strange enough to hear Kate try to articulate what her relationship to Veronica was, but it was even stranger to watch her dissolve into it with this kind of apologetic hesitation. Now it was Sophie's turn to remain quiet, dealing with the tidal wave of rejection that came with Kate's admission. Ever since her conversation with V from weeks earlier she'd had a suspicion that they weren't exclusively in the 'just friends' category. While V had alluded to not wanting a relationship with Kate, that didn't shake the worry she carried. Even if Kate's answer wasn't a full 'yes' it wasn't a full 'no' either, and something about the words drove home how different they were from months earlier.

"I should get going. It's late, and I'm sure Chelsea will be back any minute now," Sophie said softly after a moment.

"She's staying at Tony's tonight," Kate replied as Sophie rose to leave.

She wasn't entirely sure why she'd said it or what she expected to come out of it, but there was a sudden tug of loneliness at the thought of Sophie leaving her doorway. Mixed with that was also a pang of regret at her selfishness for poking a hole in Sophie's reason to leave.

Kate wasn't blind to the impact her response about Veronica was having on Sophie, and it occurred to her how much she'd taken her for granted all semester. This was the one person who had regularly shown up over and over to create something with Kate - even in the face of sure rejection. She'd appeared tonight expecting that rejection again but she still came nonetheless.

"Sophie, wait," Kate said, standing to meet her.

"I-I really should-"

"Why are you here?"

"What?"

"Why… you're here."

Sophie stared back confusedly.

"After everything… you still showed up tonight."

Sophie's head cocked to the side at Kate's words.

"I just… why are you here?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Kate could only stare back, Sophie's words landing just beyond her realm of comprehension.

"I'll always be here," Sophie said with a quiet tone of reassurance.

"But… why? Why wouldn't you… why?"

Sophie scowled in confusion. "Because I know what today is for you. Because I don't want you to feel alone."

Kate didn't respond. She couldn't. Sophie's words broke something in Kate in that moment, and she struggled to articulate it.

"I messed things up, and I get that means things between us are… different... but I'm always going to be here for you. Just because we aren't on great terms doesn't change that, Kate. Four months… it doesn't void that; I still love you the same."

Kate remained silent, blinking away the sting in her eyes as her brain worked overtime to remember words.

"Good night, Kate," Sophie said with a small smile.

"Sophie, wait, I…" Kate said suddenly, her mind racing to find the right words. She didn't know what she wanted to say yet, but she knew she couldn't let Sophie leave until she did.

Sophie paused at the entrance, her fingers on the handle to swing it closed. A moment passed and Sophie's gaze became nervous anticipation as Kate stood in thought before her. She was about to give Kate an out by excusing herself when she finally spoke:

"I'm sorry," Kate whispered. It was only after she uttered them that she knew they were right, and with it she felt a crack in the walls she'd been building over the last four months.

"Wh-what?" Sophie asked, more in surprise than anything.

"I shouldn't have… I…" Kate said, a rush of regret washing through her mind as it flashed through the last four months.

"Kate," Sophie said, seeing now the distress welling in Kate's eyes. "Wait, hold on… you - you've done nothing wrong."

"How can you say that?" Kate asked, feeling a tug at her heart for how willing Sophie was to overlook months of being dismissed.

"What do you mean? I don't understand, Kate. You're-"

"I've done so much… I've been so cruel and hateful toward you all semester. I've ignored and rejected you over and over. I was never there for you."

"What are you talking about? You've been there every week at the gym and-"

"But not really. Not… and with the interview and at the beginning of term when Melvin… when he asked me to… but I didn't. I couldn't. And here you are after all of that and I… I'm so… Soph, I'm so sorry."

Sophie watched the first tear break down Kate's cheek followed by a second and third. Instinct pulled Sophie across the threshold as she wrapped Kate into her arms.

She expected to be rejected. She expected Kate to snap out of it and push her away. She didn't expect to feel Kate reciprocate, her arms clinging tightly to match Sophie's grip as a sob escaped her lips.

"It's… Kate, it's ok," Sophie whispered, holding Kate's shaking body tightly to her.

"It's not. It's not ok," Kate choked out.

"Yes. It is," Sophie said softly. "It's more than ok, Kate. You had every right… You have nothing to be sorry for."

This was uncharted territory for Sophie, and it only compelled her to hold Kate tighter. She had never known Kate to cry - to see her let herself go like this. She'd seen her eyes red with tears, and on the rare occasion saw one escape down Kate's cheek before being angrily wiped away. Very quickly though that dam would be reinforced, holding tight against the rest as she overrode her emotions.

They stood like this for an unknown amount of time, Sophie trying to calm Kate's waves of emotion as they landed. It felt alien yet laced with a feeling of normalcy as Sophie offered small words of reassurance along the way. It was only when she felt the grip loosen and a rigidness take hold on Kate's part that she let go. She watched Kate step away, rubbing her eyes and averting her gaze. She seemed to struggle with what had just happened and tried to will herself back into a controlled temperament.

Sophie heard a curse float under her breath as she ran a hand through her short locks, gripping them in obvious frustration.

"I'm sorry. That was… I didn't mean to… to - that wasn't-"

"Do you want to watch Zorro?"

Kate paused, flustered by the embarrassment of moments before and wanting to retreat back to her own isolation but, in stark contrast, she felt the cool absence of where Sophie had been pressed moments earlier and wanted that same comfort again. Before she could refine her reply, she broke into a sea of conflicted words:

"I… I just… I have a bunch of homework and it's… it's already what, like, one in the morning? And there isn't a tv because Chelsea is-"

"You can just say no, Kate," Sophie offered lightly, taking the hint.

"But… but it's not like I don't always have homework, and it's not like we don't keep weird hours anyway, and as long as you're ok with a dinky laptop screen… then… then..." Kate continued, causing a small smile from Sophie.

"Dinky is fine with me."

xxx

"When did you get back?"

"Yesterday," Sophie answered, not taking her eyes off the screen.

They sat at opposite ends of the couch, taking care not to create any suggestion beyond two people platonically sharing the same screen for 136 minutes to watch Catherine's breakthrough performance. Sprinkles of conversation had appeared throughout the movie, always high level and without much commitment to the topics and queries.

"How was it?"

"Good. Bruce is…. he seems pretty great."

"Only because you didn't grow up with him pranking you every chance he got."

"Somehow I feel like it wasn't one-sided," Sophie offered, and she felt Kate try to shake away a smirk of guilt. "He reminds me of you."

"He'll be crushed to hear you say that."

Sophie smiled but remained quiet, instead falling silent as they both refocused their attention to the tiny screen.

There were things about Kate Kane that made her tick. It included a never ending appetite for sarcasm and a prideful streak that could get her into trouble faster than you could say 'Katherine Rebecca.'

There were also things that made her shut down. One of these was an immediate rejection if she felt pressured into something she wasn't ready for. Normally this appeared through her stubbornness, but it ran deeper than that. Kate had a way of closing others out if she felt pushed too far too quickly, and that was never truer than when it came to her emotions. Normally Sophie could squeeze herself through those walls and compel Kate to open up. It was one of the few things that made Sophie feel special: that she had once been Kate's closest confidant and wielded the power to provoke Kate into having the conversations she wouldn't otherwise permit.

But these weren't normal times. Sophie had lost that privilege, but that didn't mean she didn't know how to navigate Kate. It was through patience. She'd spent all term tapping on the window to gauge Kate's tolerance and retreated when familiar flags of her frustration appeared. When that happened she fell back onto her patience in hopes that Kate's anger would eventually run its course. Sophie wasn't convinced it had yet, and she certainly didn't presume to think she'd been handed back the right to challenge Kate after what happened earlier, so she remained quiet; waiting.

Kate didn't remember falling asleep, but she stirred when the sound of the movie stopped. Her eyes blinked open into darkness as she reacquainted herself with her surroundings. She was still on the couch and laid over her was the warm weight of a blanket. A shuffle toward the door caught her attention and her eyes settled on a familiar silhouette moving to leave.

"Hey."

The figure paused at the sound of Kate's voice through the dark.

"Hey," she called back softly.

A beat of silence passed between them as Kate swallowed down a realization that had been simmering in her since Sophie had appeared at her door.

"I still love you the same, too," Kate whispered.

A bittersweet smile broke across Sophie's face as she glanced back at the curled up form.

"Maybe don't be such a dick, then," Sophie said lightly, earning a chuckle of recognition from Kate.

"No promises," Kate replied, and Sophie could hear the smile in it, sending a reassuring warmth through her, like for the first time in months, things might be looking up.

"Good night, Kate."

"Night, Soph."