The quiet sounds of tapping on a keyboard fill the otherwise silent room. Coco Bandicoot is laying in her bed with her laptop resting on her chest, downloading a torrent file for the video "Nina Cortex: Two Crystals One Girl". With Valentine's day right around the corner and no one on the entire island has an understanding of romance she is gearing herself up to spend the day alone. To pass the time she scrolls through her social media accounts. By sheer coincidence she sees a video post uploaded by her internet crush Nina, she clicks on it without a second thought.

"Hey losers," Nina begins in the video. "I know you're all clamoring for more ways to support your favorite e-girl, so I've launched a new profile on N. lyfans. Subscribe today to get unlimited access to any of my videos, you know that's a deal you can't pass up"

With a wink and a loud clang of her giant metal hands clapping together the video ends. Coco already opened a new tab to find out more about N. lyfans.

"Oh wow," Coco said making an account almost instantly, "There are a lot of girls here, Megumi, Pasadena, some rabbit girl named Bianca. They must all be making lots of money! I'm kinda jealous of them..."

Coco began thinking to herself, maybe she thought, maybe she could do this too?

Up above the planet's atmosphere on the Cortex Vortex, which is somehow still fully operational due to a logic loop in the timeline where they didn't collect all the gems in Crash 2 but the events of Crash 3 still happened regardless, is Dr. Neo Cortex himself, working on his latest scheme feeding a seemingly impossibly long ethernet cable down a series of tiny holes eventually leading out of the space station and all the way down to N. Tropy's time twister, the master of time being none the wiser.

"The internet companies all scoffed when I tried to apply for a wifi router on the station, well who's laughing now?" Cortex mocked.

One of the many computer screens loaded an internet page, showing that his agents on the planet had succeeded in their mission to find N. Tropy's modem. Cortex joyfully sprang into an office chair, spinning around as he rolled towards the computer. Cracking his fingers, he began to furiously type away.

A presence revealed itself behind him, it approached with a sneer.

"CORTEX!" It shouted, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU INSIGNIFICANT WORM!?"

"Ah!" Cortex shouted, spinning around, "O-oh it's you, Uka Uka. I was actually just about to check up on my, I mean *our*, latest and greatest evil scheme."

"Knowing you this plan is already doomed to fail," replied Uka Uka.

Cortex spun back around to face his computer, showing the mask the home page of N. lyfans, with dev tools at the ready.

"You see Uka Uka, sex sells, and we're about to make a huge profit. I released this website onto the world a few weeks ago and, as predicted, it's already started to boom!"

Cortex pulled up the chart of network traffic to show Uka Uka the staggering rate that it was climbing. Uka Uka's eyes widened, even being an ancient being of energy he could still comprehend the rise of popularity here. He turned back to Cortex.

"So what does this mean for us huh?" the mask asked.

"It's simple," Cortex replied with a dirty grin. "Valentine's day, the most marketable day for love, is just a few days away, so all these users with surely be flooded with cash, gems, crystals relics you name it, and before any of it can get transferred the site will go "under maintenance" in which we will reroute all the transactions straight here, and with that one move we'll be able to buy the entire planet and rule!"

Uka Uka had a confident smile on his face.

"I must say, doctor," he began, "I'm quite impressed. I thought for sure I was going to have to scramble your brain inside your head but it looks like you've got things covered. Just don't disappoint me again."

Uka Uka's solid mask form shaped into a ball of blue energy and soared out of the station. Cortex took a moment to browse the website of his design, watching all the new accounts pour in. He stopped his scrolling as one account in particular caught his eye. A girl with a slender frame, bright orange fur and wearing a glistening gold mask to protect her identity. Cortex's jaw dropped and he began panting like a dog at the sight of her.

"I knew I shouldn't have looked around her for too long, I'm getting too worked up." Cortex said to himself, clicking through the girl's profile. "This "WumpLuver69" is quite the interesting specimen. I can't help but think even with all the riches coming in I'll still be alone on Valentine's day, can't have any humiliating repeat of last year now..."

Cortex sighed, then looked again to his computer monitor. His cursor hovered over the subscribe button for WumpLuver69.

"Thanks for your help Kupuna-Wa!" Coco said, talking to the golden mask.

"Don't think nothin' of it child," Kupuna-Wa replied, "You go and get that bread girl, I'll be rootin' for ya!"

Coco waved goodbye as the mask returned to the time stream, the bandicoot girl was in her underwear, she just finished shooting a photoset. Suddenly a ping went off from her laptop. She excitedly rushed over to see what it was from. A look of joy washed over her face.

"Wow! My first sub already?! Thanks whoever you are!"

Coco began to type out a thank you message to her first customer, "TheBigN" graciously thanking them for their support. Just then someone knocked on her door, causing her to instinctively cover up.

"Coco!" The voice belonged to Aku Aku, "I need your help girl, Crash just deleted the search history on the Macbook and now he won't come out of his room!"

Coco rolled her eyes

"Ugh, again?" she asked, "Alright I'm coming"

Coco quickly got dressed and left her room.

Cortex was alerted by a notification ping from his computer. His eyes widened as he saw a new message from WumpLuver69. It read "Dear TheBigN, thank you so so much for being my first subscriber! It really does mean a lot, please look forward to new content soon!" The message was signed off with a photo of her from the neck down showing a peace sign. Cortex was beyond flustered over this moment, it had been so long since a woman sent kindness of any kind his way. This was the start of a long back and forth chat log between content creator and consumer, a week had passed and Valentine's day was tomorrow. The user base was higher than ever before, as more and more girls were scheduling to release lewd content for the romantic holiday. All the while Cortex had completely ignored the traffic, he had only focused on one WumpLuver69. They had many meaningful conversations, and Cortex was no stranger to sending her donation after donation. Hearts were floating around his head while his agents were hard at work keeping servers updated with the rising demand created by the site.

"CORTEX!" Uka Uka came out of nowhere shouting at the loving genius, nearly knocking him out of his chair from shock. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING LAZING AROUND? THERE IS STILL MUCH WORK TO BE DONE!"

"Yeah yeah," Cortex replied, "I'll get around to it so just chill man."

Uka Uka growled at the lack of fear and respect that Cortex would normally show. He sighed and flew off to inspect the rest of the space station. Just then Cortex got another message from WumpLuver69. It read "I'm thinking of doing an image set for Valentine's day tomorrow, do you know any places around here that would be extra romantic?" Cortex immediately began to type. "I have access to a warp room with dozens of locations you could choose from, maybe we can meet up and I can help with your photography? *eyes emoji* *sweatdrop emoji*" A little bit later came a reply. "That sounds great! Let's meet up soon okay?" Cortex dropped the address and immediately left the Cortex Vortex to meet his goddess. Uka Uka noticed this and began to browse the computer, the tabs left open. His eyebrows arched as he got angrier and angrier.

"Woah woah woah" Aku Aku started, "Where do you think you're going so soon Coco? Crash was just about to come back with dinner."

"Don't worry so much," she replied, "Wumpa fruits don't go bad ever, I'm sure there will be plenty more when I get back. Anyway, don't wait up!"

Coco left the forest hut carrying a duffel bag, Aku Aku sighed. Just then Crash burst through the window carrying bags of Taco Bell, some paper bags leaking moreso than the others, from what? Who knows.

Coco checked her phone's GPS to make sure she was at the right place. Ahead of her was a tall, ancient building with a small platform that seemed to carry passengers up. She opened up her N. lyfans to message TheBigN to ask about his whereabouts.

Cortex was calmly cruising high above the speed limit down the Academy of Evil's school zone in his Nitro Kart, he had a bag filled with all sorts of camera equipment. The sudden sound of a far-off screaming made his ear perk up. The sound got closer and closer as it set in on the doctor who was making the loud sound. The dark plank of wood caught of Cortex, causing him to slam on his breaks.

"YOU USELESS IDIOT PAYPIG!" Uka Uka began, "JUST WHEN I LET MYSELF BELIEVE YOU COULD ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING RIGHT I COME AND SEE THIS? YOU SENDING ANY AND ALL OF THE STOLEN PROFIT YOU'VE BEEN DATAMINING TO ONE OF THE PATHETIC EARTHLINGS WE ARE TRYING TO RIP OFF!"

"N-now Uka Uka, it's not what you think. You see I, er, It's all part of my plan. O-once I get on her good side you'll see this will all work ou-"

"YOUR TRICKERY WON'T WORK ON ME YOU FOWL INGRATE. YOUR BALLS ARE SO BLUE THEY'RE PERMEATING THROUGH YOUR YELLOW SKIN AND LOOK A SICKLY SHADE OF GREEN! CUT THIS OFF NOW!"

Cortex gulped, he was so so close female interaction. He couldn't let this moment slip through his fingers again. He gripped the steering wheel tight and without a second thought stepped on the gas, crashing into the mask and knocking him off the road. The doctor continued down the road at a breakneck pace heading straight for the warp room. Waiting under the room was a familiar face, which caused him to instinctively drift off the road and hide behind some bramble. Cortex pulled out a pair of hi-tech binoculars and peered towards the warp room entrance. He scowled angrily as he laid his eyes on one of his arch nemeses.

"What on Earth is She doing here?" Cortex asked himself. "Her and her do-gooder brother have a knack for ruining my hard work."

Cortex looked again at his adversary, then had a sort of epiphany.

"Wait a second, this can't be right" he clamored.

Cortex hit a switch on his device to activate his very very illegal cloth-piercing scanner on his binoculars. As the wires in his head connected, he dropped the equipment reflexively. Cortex fell to his knees at the sudden revelation. He had been whipped yet again by his own libido. Looking up he once again gazed upon the woman we treated like a queen. Just then a thought hit him, his adventure might not be at its end. He quickly rifled through the bag of equipment he brought and pulled out a sweater he thought she could use in her photo shoot, pulled it over his head, tied the arms back and cut a hole in the chest for his eyes to peer through. With very shaky legs he managed to waddle over to the entrance.

"Oh hey!" Coco called out unassumingly, "TheBigN? It's so nice to meet you! So uh, what's with the fashion statement?"

"Oh this old thing," Cortex stuttered, "I thought y'know I'd try something new, reinvent the whole style."

"Oooooh kaay" Coco replied. "Well, would you show me in?"

"Oh of course! Right this way m'lady" Cortex led her to the platform and the two of them both road it up into the warp room.

Coco looked around in awe, wondering where they should go, meanwhile Cortex was nervously scratching himself, wondering if what he was doing was right.

"Oh just one sec," Coco said, "I wanna save my game real quick."

"Oh sure sure," Cortex replied, "Just let me know when you're ready, and we can get to business."

As soon as Coco stepped out of frame a tall, thin man in a suit and tie walked in from one of the warp portals.

"Sounds like you're ready to have a fun night?" He said.

"Uh yep yep," Cortex answered. "Hey wait a minute who are you? Who gave you authorization to use this warp room?"

"Well who are you?" The man replied.

"I'm uh, I'm Neo"

"And what are you doing here tonight Neo?"

"Just hanging out, taking some pictures."

"Taking pictures of what huh?"

"Uhm, well..."

"Well if you don't mind I have the chat logs here, you say you want to "Bust a wumpa on her back side?" is that, is that something you'd like a picture of?"

"Listen this is all a big misunderstanding, I'm not doing anything wrong here."

"You then go on to say "This big N is going to twist your guts up more than N. Tropy's Time Twister Machine"."

Cortex stood there without a word, this man had him dead to rights on all accounts.

"Well I gotta tell you something," The man began. "I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC, and we're doing a story on adults who are trying to meet children on the internet."

With this line a group of camera crew who were somehow hidden in the tight corners of the warp room emerged, Cortex buried his still sweater covered face in his hands.

"If you have anything else you'd like to say to us you may, or else you're free to go out that warp pad."

"Listen she can't be a child we've been doing battle for two decades now! There's nothing wrong with that! Can't you show pity on an old tired soul?"

Chris' expression remained intact, staring at Cortex watching his every move. Cortex flustered for a bit then regained his composure. He then frantically shoved Chris aside and dived into a warp portal. After taking a moment to catch his breath he noticed that he was right outside Dingo's Diner. And with a quick pay phone to N. Gin he was soon escorted back up to the Cortex Vortex.

Coco walked back into the warp room, confused by the sudden group of strange characters filming.

"W-what's going on?" She asked.

From behind Chris Hansen appeared Aku Aku.

"COCO! Are you alright?" the mask asked worried.

"Um yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" Coco replied.

"My brother Uka Uka warned me that you were on your way to meet with Dr. Cortex, I don't know why he'd tell me this, but I'm glad he did. Fortunately, this man here had already been looking into the case, so we were able to work together and stop whatever trouble he may have caused you."

"You mean that was," Coco said to herself, then she blushed and instinctively covered herself, despite already wearing clothes.

"I don't know what you do on that computer book Coco, but I better start monitoring it like I do with Crash. Speaking of, we should get back home soon, I did leave him all alone."

Meanwhile Crash was in the living room of their house, furiously beating his meat to girls of all shapes and sizes, abusing free trials over and over again on N. lyfans. At the same time Dr. Neo Cortex was hard at work deleting his messages to WumpaLuver69, fueled by anger, sorrow, and a loaded ball sack. Just then his connection was cut which made him jump as hard as when Uka Uka startles him. The N. lyfans website had crashed, as well as Cortex's ill-gotten internet connection. Back on Earth N. Tropy had finally found the unfamiliar cable plugged into his modem and unceremoniously pulled it, unknowingly shutting down the entirety of N. lyfans, due to the servers only being set up on a single ethernet connection. Crash Bandicoot screamed and shouted and pounded the floor with his fists and spun around the living room. He heard footsteps outside and quickly deleted his search history and sprang into his room.

"Crash! We're back!" Aku Aku annouced, "Crash! Cra- oh he's done it again. CRASH! GET OUT HERE!"

Once again, high up in space, Dr. Cortex was alone, without even an internet connection to satisfy his savage urges. Not only was his foolproof plan ruined in one fell swoop, but his credibility on the board of evil scientists. He decided take a long vacation on a nice big beach, away from everything.

THE END