This one was probably the most difficult to write so far. Lot of emotions to sort through. Lot of moments to incorporate.
"It was nothing." Leo swung his sword parrying his brother's downward attack and swiping his foot underneath to throw him off balance.
Raph jumped, attacking from the air. "Uh-huh."
"Honest." blade in front of him, Leo blocked the blow and locked weapons with his brother, both widening their stances to gain leverage as they pushed against each other's weight. "He just wanted to talk."
"Cut the bull, Leo. If it were nothing, you wouldn't be up at this hour."
"I'm always up early."
"Not this early."
Leo's foot began to inch backward under his brother's force. "Maybe I just wanted some extra practice." He grunted as he tried to hold his ground.
Raph glared. "You wanna play it that way? Fine." In an instant, Raph spun out of the lock to stand behind his brother and rounded his foot on the floor to sweep under the leader's legs.
Leo was caught off guard. Raph could see him follow the move with his eyes, he knew what was about to happen, but couldn't move in time to stop it. His face was suddenly kissing the tatami mats, legs sprawled out and hands gripping his katana for dear life. He blinked up at the red bandana towering over him with a disapproving frown.
"Only way I ever get that move past you is when you're distracted." The two locked stares, silently refusing to relent from their positions. Finally, Raph offered his brother a hand. "If you don't wanna talk about it, fine. But don't lie, Leo. I know you too well."
"You can be very observant when you want to be." Leo conceded, taking the offered hand and glancing at his brother guiltily. "You're right. I'm sorry."
Raph crossed his arms and grunted. "Yeah, yeah." He noticed Leo's eyes still looking… distant. "Hey… You sure you're okay? Did Sensei scold you or something?" Raph wasn't so good at the feelings stuff, but it was strange to see Leo worried and not be willing to talk about it.
Leo always told him everything.
"No, it's…" Leo grabbed up his katana, sighing deeply. "I don't think I'll be able to get back to sleep. And I wouldn't object to a rematch, if you're up for it."
Raph guffawed, fully aware his brother was changing the subject, but too tempted by the next fight to bring it up. "Fine by me. I never get tired of knocking you on your ass."
Leo chuckled. "How do you know I wasn't taking it easy on you?"
"I told you." Raph twirled his sai with glee. "I know you too well."
"That was the night before Sensei announced I was leader, wasn't it?" Leo watched the fight play out in front of him like a movie.
"Yeah."
"I remember. He'd talked to me about it before bed and it freaked me out so much I couldn't sleep." Leo glanced at his brother who glared at the floor.
"You could have told me."
"I was afraid you'd be angry."
"I was."
"I know." A long silence passed as the two sat in the dark. "Why did you want to be leader so badly? You saw what it did to me. It wasn't always a fun job. And it was never easy."
"It wasn't about the title." The sceptically cocked brow flung in his direction made Raph growl. "It wasn't entirely about the title. It was…"
"That it made you feel unworthy?"
"A little… and—"
"That it made you feel like Sensei didn't love you as much?"
"…Yeah, maybe, but—"
"That it put me above you?"
"That it changed you. It changed us. It changed… everything." Leo's eyes softened as he watched Raph's muscles tense. "That night… that was the first time you wouldn't let me in. The first time you tried to "protect" me from something you thought would hurt. It was…"
"Our first step apart." Leo saw his brother nod solemnly before baring his teeth as he gripped his sai in each hand.
"I hated what being 'leader' turned you into. What it turned us into. I hated that it made us… separate." He clenched his jaw tight, grinding his teeth. "And I hated you for letting it happen."
"Oh believe me, that part I knew." Noticing the flinch Raph tried to hide, Leo shook his head. "You still don't get it." Stepping around the punching bag, he walked toward his brother curled in the corner of the room. "It's never been that you need me. I know you don't."
"What?" Raph looked up, confused, as Leo reached out and touched his shoulder.
"It's that I…"
Leo's face was so gentle. So soft. So… pale. There was blood pouring from his stomach. Down his cheeks. Raph's heart beat faster. "No…"
"It's that I…"
"No!"
"M'Sorry…"
"LEO!"
My ownvoice echoes around me, ringing numbly in my ears like a morning alarm clock. The fog around my mind begins to lift as the darkness fades, allowing light to fringe my vision. First thing that hits me is the smell of blood. Leo's blood. Feel it dripping down my hands, draining away with the rain. I can hear his last breath cough out beneath me. Beneath my hands on his stomach. My hands full of blood…
A pang in my arm brings me back to my senses, glancing at the bandages wrapped around my deltoid and shoulder. Thick, red, blood is seeping through. Must have pulled a stitch. Maybe it was my own injuries I smelled and not…
I give my head a firm shake, trying to spring lose the cobwebs. It's too dark to see much, but I know I'm in my room. I'd recognize that faint musky odour anywhere. And I know I'm alone. If any of the others were here, they'd be swarming me to fix up my arm or throw more questions at me.
Questions about that night. About what happened. About how Leo…
And I can't answer any of them. I can't. It's too… It's too…
I can't remember how I got here. Back home. Can't remember why I'd left in the first place. Can't remember…
This ain't the first time. Been happening on and off since that night. Since…
My mind's been scrambled. Lost in a rage so thick I can't breathe when I try to dig through it. I get bits and pieces every once in a while—Sensei askin' me what happened on the roof, April cryin' when she saw the body, Casey sittin' beside me at the farmhouse, —but nothin' solid. Nothin' I can hold onto for longer than a moment.
"You ain't my leader. You ain't Leo!"
Just pieces.
"I said. Go Home."
Raw and jagged.
"GET DOWN!"
Refusing to fit together.
The only firm memory I've had in the last three months was Don punching me out for wantin' to leave the lair. Solid blow. Didn't think the egg-head had it in him. Somehow it brought clarity. The throbbing pain was something to cling to, kept me grounded. But then he said something—"I'm not losing another brother to"—and I lost my grip again. Lost it… can't remember…
My head is killing me.
I do remember the anger. The rage. The burning hatred for those repulsive thugs that dared attack my family. That stole something from us. Something precious. Something irreplaceable. They deserve a fate worse than death. They deserve my fury. My violence. My madness.
They deserve to be punished. Punished by me. And it should be as painful as I want. As violent as I picture. As excruciating as I feel.
I don't want justice. I want revenge. I want brutality. Crave it. Demand it.
I want death.
"You shouldn't think like that."
I hear his voice clear as a bell. Not in my head, not someone else, just… there. But it's as familiar to me as my own reflection.
"A life for a life never got anyone anywhere. You know that."
As grating and condescending as it always was. Patronizing. Like he's talking down to a child.
"It was one of the first things Sensei taught us before he began our training. We don't use our skills for revenge or personal gain. Only to help others. Only to protect."
He always did think I was stupid.
"No I don't."
I nearly flinch at how suddenly his voice appears beside me. He did that on purpose. He's trying to freak me out. "Don't what?"
"Think you're stupid. Never have."
I can't help but snort my derision. "Uh huh. Sure."
I can't see him—he's not really there—but I know he's looking at me with those kind eyes. Kind and sad. Almost guilty.
"Tell them…"
No. No, we ain't doin' this now! "Leo—!"
"M'Sorry…"
Enough. Enough! Make it "STOP!" I scream. I think. I don't know. Can't think straight. Can't focus. It's too much. Too much to—too much blood… Leo's—
—pushing even harder on his stomach as blood squelches through my fingers. I think I'm gonna be sick.
My fists are clenched so tight, my knuckles pale and veins are popping all along my arm. It won't go away. Won't leave me alone! Just leave me—!
"Rapahel." Suddenly he's right in front of me, standing tall, looking down at me with his head cocked to the side like some malicious predator who finally corned his prey. I can see him… but he's not there. Is he?
My pulse quickens and I feel dread pumping through my veins like a potent drug. Alarm bells are going off and every nerve in my body is on edge. This is wrong. This is all wrong. I need to do something. I need to stop this!
But if it stops, he'll…
"Don't you—"But his eyes are closed and his hand falls to the ground and I realize it wasn't his hand that was shaking, it was mine. The rain seems to freeze in it's downpour as suddenly everything goes completely silent. Still. Empty.
"Leonardo!"
Blood consumes the room in a thick fog, choking itself down my throat. I can taste it. Feel it squelching through my fingers. Not again. Not again! I jerk my eyes shut and reflexively grip my sai. "I said stop!"
"Tell them..."
"LEO!" My own howl bellows through the room like a freight train, a mixture of anger and sorrow too deep to name. My hands aren't enough to keep it from echoing in my ears, loud and clear and all consuming. I curl in on myself, trying to block it out. Block everything out.
I can't believe he's…
The cry fades as suddenly as it began, but I wait a few moments—out of fear, out of dread, out of paranoia—before finally opening my eyes. And it's all gone. The blood, the noise, the screams, it's all disappeared as though it was never there.
As though he was never…
Again and again and again. Can't keep my grip on what is. What was is too powerful. Can't stop it. Can't.
I shake my head again, throwing my hand against a wall to remind me what's real. At least this time I stayed in my room. Most times when I come to, I'm somewhere else: on a roof, in a warehouse, or pounding on a goon I can't remember chasin'. Last time it happened, Mikey was almost…
"Take them! Before they escape!"
"Quick, Raph! The window!" Mikey cried, directing his brother to their nearest—and only—exit. If they were quick enough, they could get out before every gun in the place loaded and locked on them.
"It was too easy."
Mikey heard the Dragon behind them but didn't stop. Raph did.
"After all these years, we were beginning to think you all were impossible to kill. But that guy went down without a fight at all. One bullet. Dead. Gotta admit, I was a bit disappointed."
If Mikey could see Raph's muscles tensing and temper flaring, then the idiot Dragon who was goading him on definitely could. Mikey strode towards his brother, panic threatening to leak into his eyes at how many thugs were now heading toward them with guns cocked and ready. "Dude, forget him. We gotta go!"
"Will you all go down so easy, or was it just him? Was he just weak?"
Raph's fingers curl around his sai. Murder dripped from his bandana to his hilt.
Mikey tried to intervene. "Raph, don't. We have to—"
But the Dragon didn't get the hint. "I don't even remember his name. He wasn't anything special. Just another kill. Another notch in the belt. He'll be forgotten in a week."
The Dragons moved closer and Mikey's heart pounded like thunder in his chest. "Raph!"
"He was nothing. He died as nothing. And so will—"
Mikey blinked and suddenly the man was frozen, blood dripping from his lips… and a Sai through his chest. Did he just kill…?
"So will you." Raph pulled the man closer, anger spewing like venom as he brought their faces inches apart, his sai digging deeper into flesh. "All of you."
"Raph!" Grabbing his brother's arm, Mikey finally seemed to get his attention. "We're too late." They were surrounded by Dragons, thirty at least, and Mikey knew there was no way they could take them all. His grip tightened in fear. "What do we do?"
But Raph wasn't there. His eyes were filled with nothing but malice. Loathing. He wouldn't stop glaring at the skewered body as it dripped blood down his hand.
One of the men smirked. "Looks like you're out of escapes." He raised his hand in the air. "FIRE!"
Mikey tackled his brother behind the crates beside them, crawling to shelter behind one of the metal pillars. As he peaked his eyes open amidst the barrage of bullets, he eye caught sight of something lobbed into the air. Grenade. Perfect.
He leapt above the bombardment, swinging his nunchuck and knocking the explosive towards the center of the room where all the ammunition was in the midst of being unloaded from their crates. Throwing himself beside his brother, he closed his eyes.
The ensuing explosion encompassed half the warehouse. All the men were either consumed by the fire or blown back by the blast. Mikey peeked up to survey his work, nodding as he noted the fire providing good cover to allow them to run. He stood, moving towards the window to make sure it was still possible to get out.
That's how Mikey told it. But I only remember a few moments after… that's when the haze finally cleared and the red drained from my vision. I'd barely had time to compute that we weren't in the lair when I saw the grenade heading for Mikey.
Nearly got my baby brother killed, and I can't even remember why. Why did I go to that warehouse? Why in the hell did I bring Mikey?
What would I have done if he'd been…?
The thought brings a bout of nausea rumbling through my system. I swallow thickly trying to keep it all in.
Mikey could have been murdered. Because of me.
Like Leo.
Because of—
"You owe us!"
The moment is suddenly flashing before me like lightning. Piercing.
"You owe us for running off tonight!"
Blinding.
"You owe us for running off then, too!"
Excruciating.
"You owe us for getting our brother killed!"
My gut churns again and I barely have a chance to grab the nearest bin before my stomach relieves itself of what little food and bile is left in it.
He's right. Don's right. He should blame me. They all should hate me. They must. I would.
I do.
"You still… don't get it."
Not again, not again! That voice. That posture. That blue bandana, covered in blood. Because of his stupid protective instincts. Because he couldn't let me handle a fight on my own. Because… Because I…
"That it's not—"
He's in front of me staring me down with that stupid smile and those eyes… those sad, guilty eyes…
"That I—"
I growl at him, teeth bared and muscles tense. "Stop. You can't be here. You're can't. You're—"
"S-Still here."
He's kneels in front of me, eyes mere inches from mine. If I wasn't already against a wall, I'd have flinched back again. He's not there, but I can see him. So much blood… I can't stand the sight of it. The red taking over the blue.
But I can't look away. If I look away he'll disappear. He'll…
"M'Sorry."
I can't… I can't…
I can't breathe! My lungs burn, my chest heaves, and I feel like I'm being torn in two! It hurts so much I want to scream!
Suddenly he sits beside me, another memory following him into the room. He bumps my shoulder with his, just enough to let me know he's there, but not enough to invade my space. The panic subsides ever so slightly. "This was a good one. This was at the farmhouse after Shredder ambushed me. You helped me make my new swords, remember."
I pant, trying to grab my breath and keep it steady. "Yeah…" It's one of my most cherished memories. I never told him…
"You were so patient. So understanding. I didn't say it then, but I was really impressed with how well you handled everything."
"Yeah?" I feel his shoulder bump mine again, and the pain in my chest starts to dissolve.
The room is disappearing again as the memory takes over. Can't stop it. Can't… Hurts too much.
I close my eyes.
"Lookin' good, Leo."
"Raph, I'm not in the mood!"
Those last two lines are ripped straight from the TMNT 2003 episode "Monster Hunter" when Leo is recovering from his latest bout with Shredder.
The effect I was going for on this one was hard to achieve with words, because it was a lot of memories and reality bleeding into each other. As always, if anything is too confusing, please let me know.
End of Line.
-TRAaP
