Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all "in keeping with the situation".


"Raph's gone."

The room skid to an abrupt halt, the meaning of those words taking a good long moment to settle in. No one moved. No one spoke. No one breathed.

And then panic hit. Fast and hard.

Mikey was already halfway through the door as he shouted, "We have to go find him!" before Splinter's voice stopped him.

"Calm, my son. We cannot go bounding around the surface searching aimlessly."

"But Sensei—!"

"He's right." Don nodded, unable to tear his eyes away from the blood on the wall nearest him. "We need to think this through. Figure out where he might be headed." As his younger brother was about to object, Don tossed him his shell cell. "Call Casey. He'll know the best places to look." Keep Mikey busy. Keep him from panicking. "Sensei, call Leatherhead and the Mutanimals, see if anyone's spotted him anywhere. I'll try tracking his shell cell and listening for anything he might chase after on the police scanners."

Splinter nodded, then watched as his son—normally quick to action once decided on a plan—stood frozen in place, the only movement in his body the quaking of his hands. Stepping forward, the father placed a gentle hand on his son's shoulder and waited for eyes to meet his before speaking. "Donatello."

"I shouted at him. I practically called him a murderer. He ran off because of—"

"—Pain. Raphael ran because he is in great pain."

"I drove him away. I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't… I didn't mean…"

Splinter gripped his son's shoulder tighter. "There will be time for apologies later. Right now, we must find your brother before he finds what he's looking for."

Don paused, finally working his way past the knot in his chest to breathe properly. "What do you mean? What's he looking for?"

Splinter moved towards the door, not willing to waste a moment longer, as he spoke gravely over his shoulder.

"Danger."


His knees felt shakier than they had an hour ago. His hands quivered, his bones creaked and his eyes were dull of their usual wisdom. In this moment, standing before this wooden door, Splinter felt utterly and entirely lost. This door that separated him from his son. Grief was a monster that consumed its victims in different ways, he knew this, but sitting and watching his family be attacked so intimately was too much to bear.

Raphael was extremely emotional, his passion and fire helped him cope with a world that demanded his protection but rejected his existence. With Raphael, it was feel nothing or feel everything, there was no middle ground. So Splinter could easily imagine what something as consuming as grief could do to his son. And he did. Imagined it vividly and constantly. And was desperate to do something.

He knew his son well. He knew he would need time. He would need space. He would need to work through the pain in his own way without having to worry about the world around him. Raphael possessed incredible strength; strength of spirit and strength of heart. But it was precisely that strength that worried the old father. Raphael cared so deeply that loss was not something he coped with well. And Splinter feared, if left alone, his son would be consumed by it.

Standing outside this door, only feet from his grieving child, Splinter never felt so far away. Gently placing his paw on the wood before him, he closed his eyes and let the pain radiating through the door wash over him. Loss, anger, but more than anything… guilt. Whatever had happened on that roof, Raphael blamed himself for it.

"Oh, my son." Splinter sighed his worry, his every thought wishing he could take away his son's pain with a hug and a word of love, like he could when his children were young. Going inside wasn't going to help. He knew that. Trying to force Raphael to open up would only make things worse. He knew that too. But there wasn't a nerve in his body that refrained from screaming at him to do something. To help. He could not rid his family of this pain, but he could help them cope. He could… he had to try.

Sinking slowly to his knees, his tired muscles relaxing into familiar seiza position, Splinter kept his hand on the door and his eyes closed, spiritually reaching for his son.

"I am here, Raphael. I will always be here."


"No, Don, nothing yet." Casey cursed, catching his breath as he came to a stop on the far end of the roof. "Yeah. I'm sure." He listened a moment, his fists clenching as he glared at the rooftops in front of him. "The park, the back alleys, the pubs, everywhere we usually go. I'm tellin' you, he ain't here!" The voice on the other side of the line was calm. Too calm. Forced. And Casey hated that it was for his benefit; so he wouldn't freak out and go swinging at every thug he saw on the street. "Yeah, sorry, I'm listening. …Downtown? … Yeah. But isn't Pier 36 a little crowded for— … Ok, I'm on my way."

An angry growl churned his lips as Casey put his phone away and stared out at the city skyline before him. He heard people singing in the nearby karaoke bar, drunk partiers laughing as they stumbled down the street, couples planning their next date night. He heard televisions blaring the daily news, car horns honking at slow drivers, and friends arguing over which Marvel movie was best.

He heard people living. Happy. Safe.

It pissed him right off.

Turning sharply, he let his frustrations out on the nearest chimney, punching it hard enough to draw brick from brick and blood from his knuckles before surging off towards his next destination and silently cursing the peaceful world around him.

"It ain't fair, Raph. It just ain't fair."


"Anything?" Mikey asked, eyes still wild with worry.

Don hated that he couldn't offer any comfort as he shook his head. And seeing his brother's eyes almost tear up with fear only made his gut churn all the more. He could hardly think he was choking so hard on his own anxiety. It had already been an hour and they hadn't seen shell or tail of Raph anywhere. But what worried Don more was that they hadn't seen anything of the Purple Dragons either. Not a thug or gangster in any back alley or washed out pub. And he didn't need a keen intellect to know that was a bad sign.

Something was very wrong. And Don was utterly terrified that Raph was in the middle of it.

They had to find him. They had to know he was okay.

"I'm telling you, he's in trouble. He's not thinking clearly and he's gonna get himself hurt." Leo was practically crawling out of his shell as he waited for Don to finish typing on his computer.

"He's a strong guy, Leo. Wherever he went, I'm sure he can handle—"

"He's off, Don. Has been for weeks now."

"So he's probably just out blowing off steam. You know how he is." Leo didn't seem to take to that answer, so Don paused his typing to face his brother. "Maybe he needed some space. I know you want to run out there and make sure he's not jumping into an unnecessary fight, but maybe that's what he needs right now." Leo grunted, turning away to lean on the desk and cross his arms. Don remained as gentle as he could, not wanting to sound insensitive. "…I know you want to help him through this, but it's like Sensei said… he'll come to us when he's ready. We can't force him to—"

"He almost died, Don. They kidnapped him, tortured him, brainwashed him, and nearly took his life. I… I nearly took his life."

"He was trying to kill you, you were just defending yourself. Everyone here knows you never would have—"

"I almost did! I wasn't trying to… I just…" His brother's arms tightened their fold as he kept his face turned away so Don couldn't see. "We almost lost him. I know he's got to work through this on his own, I do. But..." Finally locking eyes, Don was surprised to see Leo's face softened with worry. "I just need to know he's okay. Please."

Don was speechless as he watched his eldest brother's worry wall itself back up behind his usual impassive expression. He shook his head. "Fine. I'll start tracing his phone. But if we interrupt a night of frivolous violence and he wants someone to take it out on, I'm volunteering you."

"Fine."

Always worried. Always making sure they were safe. Always playing protector. If Leo were here now…

"I'll call Casey, see if he's found anything." Pulling his shell-cell from his belt, Don turned away from his family so they couldn't see the quake of his hands.

Or the tear running down his cheek.


Thump. Thump. Thump.

The sound of his heart pounding in rhythm with his running feet was all Mikey could hear. He knew Don was talking on the phone with Casey, he knew Splinter was saying something about where they were headed next, but he couldn't focus well enough to hear specifics. His mind was running on high speed, but it centered only on one thing: Raph.

First off, how did he get out of the lair without anyone noticing? Mikey had replayed the last twenty-four hours in his head at least half a dozen times and he couldn't think of a moment where he left the living room long enough to have missed his brother leaving his room, let alone the lair. He would have seen him. Or at the very least heard him. After all the training they'd done together, they'd all grown accustomed to each others tricks and techniques, making it near impossible for them to sneak up on each other. The only one who could consistently ninja their way around without being noticed was…

Mikey would have seen him. No way Raph snuck passed him.

And even if he had managed to somehow make it out of the lair without anyone noticing (had to have been when he was grabbing a drink of water, it had to. No way Raph got past him otherwise. No way), where would he be going? If he left to blow off steam, they would have seen signs of it by now: piles of thugs in an alleyway, a raucous brawl spilling out of a seedy pub, police sirens screaming after a warehouse recently set ablaze. Raph was never one for subtlety, whatever he was after he would go for fist first, headstrong, and without mercy. You'd be able to see his ire from Jersey. So how was it they hadn't found so much as a drop of blood? Raph should have been toppling buildings by now, how could they still not have a clue where he was? How could Don not outthink him? How could Casey not know where he'd go?

How could he not have seen it?

Leave Raph be, let him work through it his way, give him space, let him heal; it all sounded like the right thing to do. Mikey hated it—he wanted nothing more than to cling to his family with all the strength in his body so no one else could be pried away—but Raph dealt with things differently. Raph hated to be coddled. Hated to deal with things in front of others. Raph pulled away, figured things out on his own, and came back when he was ready to face the world again.

Now he was gone.

And Mikey should have known. Should have known this was different. Should have known Raph needed help, how badly he was hurting. Should have known he needed family—they all did. They were all tearing apart at the seams.

But now Raph was out somewhere doing god-knows what, probably getting into trouble, probably getting hurt, maybe even—

And Mikey hadn't done a thing to stop it. He should have done something. Should have forced Raph to let him help. Should have sat outside his door until he was ready to come out.

Should have done something.

"There's nothing you could have done, Mikey."

The younger turtle couldn't pry his eyes from the battered body of their red-masked brother, horror still dancing through his veins. "He shouldn't have been there alone. We should have been with him. "

"He chose not to tell us. You couldn't have known."

"But why did he go alone?" Mikey cried, turning away from the bandages to stare with wide, hurt eyes at his eldest brother. "We could have helped him fight, we could have—"

"No, we couldn't."

Mikey was aghast. "Why not!?"

"Because Raph needed to do this."

"Why?"

"Because Mikey," Leo swept a hand over the dome of his head, breathing in a deep, low breath, the same way he usually did when unable to find the proper words to say. "It's who he is. I can't say I fully understand it myself, but I know it's what he feels he has to do. He has to deal with things on his own to… prove himself or something. I don't know…" He paused. "… I'm just glad I got to him in time."

Mikey could see the frustration brewing in the leader's face, clearly as unhappy about this as the rest of them, but that still made him wonder, "What if… what if he doesn't just get hurt next time? What if …"

"I'd never let it get that far, Mikey. Never."

The adamancy was reassuring, but it still didn't answer his question. "What if you're not here? What if you're off on a mission with Donnie and Sensei and it's just me here with him and he runs off to do something as stupid as tonight?"

The warmth that touched his shoulder brought Mikey's gaze to Leo's hand. "Then he'd be in good hands. If there's anyone here who can understand Raph, it's you little bro. You're more compassionate and empathetic than anyone on earth." Mikey felt another light squeeze on his shoulder. "You'd know how to help him."

It didn't really answer his question, but the unwavering trust in his brother's voice was more comfort than Mikey expected. His eyes grazed over the bandages covering Raph's body, sending a shiver of fear through his body again. He leaned into Leo's hand. "Only on earth? Are you saying there are more compassionate Utroms out there?"

"I was thinking Triceritons, but Utroms as well, probably."

Mikey chuckled lightly. Leo was making jokes, that was a very good sign. Raph was definitely going to be okay. "Does this mean you're not gonna shout at him when he wakes up?"

"No. But I get the feeling his meditation sessions are going to be extremely long for the next few weeks."

"You are cruel." He watched his brother smile and shrug.

"Older brother prerogative."

Mikey was so lost in the memory, he nearly tripped over Don who had come to a stop on the roof of a warehouse. He could still feel Leo's hand on his shoulder, comforting and strong. He could still feel fear coursing through every nerve. "Did you find something?" He already knew the answer, but anxiety demanded he ask anyway.

"No." Don replied over his shoulder. " We're meeting up with Casey to regroup."

"Regroup?"

"Figure out our next move. We've already scoured most of the city, there's not many more places he can be." He offered his younger sibling a nod of comfort. "We'll find him, Mikey. It's just a matter of time."

"Right." He tried, but Mikey honestly couldn't take the words to heart. Finding Raph wasn't what frightened him, it was finding him in time. Before he did something dangerous… Casey appeared on the edge of the roof, mercifully interrupting that train of thought, and Mikey was already waiting for Don's go ahead to keep moving. "Where else can we look? Shouldn't we split up? Cover more ground?"

"No." Don was suddenly very adamant. "We need to think this through."

"Think what through?" Panic peeked into Mikey's voice without his consent. "We need to find him, Don. We need to."

"I know. We will. But we need to take a minute to—"

"We don't have a minute, dude. It's been too long as it is!"

"Yes, which is why we need to stop and think for a second instead of running around without a plan."

But Mikey could feel the cold hand of dread squeezing his stomach at even the thought of waiting any longer. "Then I'll keep looking while you guys—"

"We're not splitting up!"

"But we have to do something now! We have to find him!"

"My son," Splinter tried to sooth the tide of emotions swaying his youngest to the brink of panic. "Be patient. We will find—"

"No! No more waiting!" Mikey smelled rain. It was going to rain. It was going to rain and one of them was missing and this was all feeling far far too familiar. "I can't wait anymore. You all said to wait, to let him deal with it in his own time, and look what happened! He wasn't dealing, he was rotting away in there! All alone in his room, blaming himself for what happened, and none of us did anything! We can't just let him stay out here. He's not himself! He's gonna get hurt because we're not there! He could already be—"

"Don't." Donatello, rigid as a brick wall, finally found his voice. "Don't even think it, Mikey. We're going to find him. It's not going to be like that last time. It won't. Raph isn't going to die." Because he couldn't. Because if he did, Don didn't know what would become of them. One brother lost was agony. Two was unthinkable.

They would find him. Alive and well. They had to.

Mikey paused before speaking, his orange bandana fluttering in the wind and nearly drowning out his suddenly meek voice. "…What if… what if he… Don, what if he—"

"—He wouldn't." The only reason Don even knew what his brother was asking was because it had been running through his head all night. Ever since they found Raph's bedroom empty and blood on the walls. "He wouldn't leave us like that. Not on his worst day would he even—"

"It's been his worst day for three months!"

"He wouldn't."

"He's been dealing with this alone from the start. What if it was too much?"

"He wouldn't do it, Mikey!"

"But what if—"

"ENOUGH!" Don was in his brother's face now, not two inches from his nose, and not entirely sure he was in control of his actions. "He wouldn't kill himself. He wouldn't. We know him better than that—you know him better than that! So stop thinking it!"

A gust of wind shot across the pier, blowing around leaves and garbage as the four stood frozen on the warehouse rooftop.

Splinter was the only one who dared speak. "My sons," he looked to Casey. "My family. This is not the way to find Raphael. Giving in to our deepest fears does not aid our cause, Michelangelo. Nor does attempting to ignore them, Donatello." He stepped forward to look out over the water. "We are all afraid for your brother. We all know too intimately what the worst scenario feels like. But let us not resign to that fate yet. Your brother needs his family. And no matter what, we will bring him home. We must." He turned to face the three once more, a resolute calm emitting from every feature. "Now think. Is there anywhere your brother might have gone that we have yet to check?"

Silence fell over the group as all found stillness enough to think.

Casey paced the roof, rubbing his chin while going through a mental checklist of all their favorite hangouts. When Raph got angry, he wanted to vent. And they'd already checked all the areas in the entirety of Manhattan where he and Casey usually went for such revelry. So what else did Raph do when he got angry? He got pensive. Usually thinking about how a mission had gone wrong and what he could have done to—

And he always returned. When he felt he'd failed, he always went back to where—

…Well shit. This wasn't going to be easy for any of them. "I think I know where to go."


It was like watching a funeral march. They climbed to the roof, not a word whispered between them, all four rigid and tense and terrified of what they would find. Or what they wouldn't. Splinter and Casey looked around, taking in the surroundings for the first time and trying to fit the pieces together. All of them noticed the blood. Dried blood in the middle of the concrete, pale and diminished, but still as haunting as ever.

Mikey couldn't look at it. Couldn't look at anything. And couldn't close his eyes because he would see it all again, every detail of that horrifying night. That moment… the one he'll have nightmares about for the rest of his life. A pale body lying in his brother's arms, limp and void of life. Eyes that would never open again. Blue bandana dappled with blood. He couldn't catch the whine that shot from his throat, he was too focused on remembering to breathe.

Don couldn't look away. His eyes trained on the blood stain immediately, staring at it as though he could he wish it away with a glance. The closer he got, the dizzier he felt. His knees suddenly buckled and he fell to the ground in front of the dried smear. He was going to be sick. But he couldn't stop staring. Couldn't stop seeing it. Couldn't stop feeling the cold touch of his brother's skin beneath his fingers as he methodically searched for a pulse. This plain run-down apartment in this dirty part of the city was where his brother fell. Where their lives all changed. And this stained patch of cement was one of the few things left that proved his brother ever existed. Bile nearly slipped past his lips, but Don breathed deep to keep it at bay. Raph. Focus on Raph. Had to find Raph.

Casey watched as the family took in the scene and it was all he could do to keep his anger in check. Splinter looked like a ghost with how hollow his eyes were, and the other two looked like they wanted to crawl into their shells and never come out. And Casey couldn't blame them. If he had a shell, that's what he'd be doing right about now. "Raph?" He called, forcing himself to concentrate on the task at hand. Now wasn't the time for his righteous fury. But soon. Very soon. His hands curled tighter in on themselves as he looked about the roof. "Raph?"

His voice managed to pull Splinter from is thoughts and fears, his own eyes now remembering to look for his lost son. But just as he turned around to face the street below, he caught sight of two blue bandana tails whipping in the wind. His heart stopped as he followed the blue to the adjacent roof, climbing with fervor until he reached the top.

And there, standing before him with fear in his eyes and guilt on his lips, was Leonardo. Splinter could only stare, pain in his chest flaring and spurting with the desperate need to hold his child. "My son!"

But he knew it not to be real. Only an apparition. A faint trace of his son's spirit left behind to guide him towards something. The pain turned to a fierce ache, but Splinter quickly swallowed it and directed his attention to where the spirit worriedly pointed. He walked to the chimney and lost his breath once again.

"No…" As he feared. As they'd all feared. His heart sank to his stomach and he fell to his knees, staring at the taunt before him.

In the center of the chimney amidst a rained-washed blood stain, a sai protruded from the brick—it's red leather handle and faint gold trim a familiar sight—stabbed through a note that fluttered in the wind. Three words. And Splinter's world was crumbling all over again.

"Come get him."


This chapter was written to be before the last, but I switched them because I felt it flowed better. But as always, if anything is confusing due to the switch, please let me know.

Not sure how much I like this one… you all be the judges.

End of Line.

-TRAaP