Once again I have been faced with the terror of a computer crash, and once again I have lost much of what I wrote. I was able to recover a bit, but this chapter in particular lost much to the abyss of my failing hard drive (as did the story's ending).
My sincerest apologies for the late update. With the rewrites, it will likely take me longer to post, but I will work as fast as I can so you are all not waiting too long (anyone still willing to read this mess of angst and tragedy, that is).
He's slipping away. Again. I feel him leaving and my hand panics, flailing about and trying to grasp at him as he walks away. "Don't—" But no sound escapes my lips. Words won't form. 'Cause he's leaving and I'm not ready. I'm not ready to let him go. Not ready to be without him. Not ready to never hear his voice again or see his disapproving frown.
His pristine katanas. His perfectly skilful katas. His blue bandana blurring behind him as he dances from one form to the next.
I'm not ready to miss him.
My chest tightens and I cough just to try and find some air. It feels like I'm underwater, constantly fighting to get back to the surface for one more dreg of oxygen. And he ain't there to help. He ain't coming to the rescue. I always hated it when he came to my rescue.
I can't stand that he never will again.
It was me. It was my fault. My fault! If I hadn't left, if I'd stayed, if I'd just listened to a damn word he'd said—I hate it when he gives me orders, but I'd give everything to hear him bark one more! Just one more…
"Leo, wait!"
Why won't he stop! He never leaves. He's always there. Even when I don't want him. Even when I tell him not to be. Even when I don't need him. When I don't think I need him. When I don't want to admit it… he somehow knows. How does he always know?
I need him.
Did he know that? Did I ever tell him?
"I DON'T NEED YOU!"
Dammit, he's still walking away and I can't stop him. Have no right to. Can only watch in a panic as he casually walks out of my life. Forever.
"I'm not leaving, Raph. I'm still here."
But it's not true. All I can see is his shell as it gets smaller and smaller in the distance.
"S-Still here…"
I wake up with the biggest headache I've ever had. Whoever it was that snubbed me was gonna get his.
Hun. He was there. What on earth he was doing on that roof… or maybe he'd been following me, I don't know. Hadn't been paying attention. Leo would be livid if he knew I'd—
"You shouldn't have left."
I can't reply. I know I ain't alone and I don't want the assholes around me to know I'm awake. But damn if it ain't relieving to hear his voice, condescending as it is.
Still with me. Still…
"You weren't in the right frame of mind. You weren't paying attention, of course they were able to sneak up on you."
And the endless worry continues, somehow always ending up in my direction. I want to be annoyed—I've been in tougher scrapes than this and he damn well knows it—but honestly, it just feels good to have him near. Know he's got my back.
A pain erupts in my chest and I can't for the life of me figure out what it's coming from. It's like someone is ripping my ribs open and tearing out my lungs. Some deep ache from a loss I can't fathom or understand right now.
He's still here. I hear him. Feel him. Still here.
"I can't… I can't help you."
I damn near open my eyes because I can swear I hear him choke. He doesn't show emotion like that. Not in public. Barely ever in private.
"Raph, I think you're in more trouble than you realize. The others are coming, but I don't know… they're not thinking right either. They're scared and frantic and they'll walk right into this. And I can't do anything. I can't…"
I only ever heard him sound this defeated once before: when Sensei's mind was messed up by the Rat King and he attacked (and almost killed) Donnie-boy. Leo'd spent the whole night meditating in the lair while he tried to come up with a plan… it all worked out in the end, but that was the only time I can think of that Leo really felt lost. Or at least that he'd shown us, anyway.
I hate to admit it, but it was frightening then. It's downright terrifying now.
I almost opened my dumb mouth again when he silences me.
"Shhhh, keep quiet. If you wake up, they'll start."
Start? Start what?
"Think Raph. They clearly don't want you dead yet. What else would they want you for?"
Information was my first thought. But they should know by now that was a fools errand. Ain't no way in fiery hell I'd give up my family.
"No, no. Think. What else would they want you for?"
I'm starting to get annoyed. If it's so damn important, why doesn't he just tell me?
"Revenge, Raph. Sport. Payback. We killed several of them that night in the warehouse, not to mention the gun shipment we subverted and the money they lost. And that was just one night. We've done plenty more to them over the years. And that man I killed… He was special. Someone Hun knew. Personally."
It took me a minute for my foggy mind to think of which dead guy he was referring to. The one who'd shot him. The one who took my brother from me. Of course he was a personal friend of Hun. Of course.
My blood boiled at the thought of that punk on the roof. That coward that hid in the shadows. That wasn't man enough to fight face to face.
That lowlife that stole my brother from—
No. No he's still here. I feel him. Still here.
"He wants to hurt you, Raph. He wants to make you suffer."
Words just start forming before my brain remembers I shouldn't. But big brother saw and quiets me with a gentle "Shhhh. Someone's coming."
"—ain't he dead yet?"
I can't catch the whole sentence. My head's still spinning and my ears are buzzing. I think they may have me hanging upside down. Hands tied behind my back, too. And I don't need to look to know my sai aren't where they should be.
"—to draw the others out."
Dammit. Can't focus. Only fragments get through. Pieces.
"Can't we just—" The ringing in my ears intensifies and I have to take a moment to push past so I can hear again. "—still come for his corpse."
Can't grab on. Keep fading out…
"—bait to get them here."
Can't get my mind to—
"—kill them all."
That certainly grabs my attention. Suddenly the ringing, the ache, the pain, none of it's even noticeable amidst the acute panic that rises like a tidal wave. They're gonna kill 'em. They're gonna kill my family.
"Calm."
His voice somehow manages to cut through the noise. His tone that sounds like he's got everything under control. Says to trust him.
I do. With every fibre of my being.
"Don't react. Wait for the right moment."
He's right. He's always right. Always has to be…
I take a moment, breathe silent and deep, tensing my muscles to keep from letting a random reflex loose, and I wait.
Focus.
I will not let them take any more of my family.
"Keep trying."
His voice is calm and gentle, with just a hint of annoyance to pick at my overtired brain. "It's been an hour, I'm sick of trying! It ain't working."
"You can do it, just focus."
"I am focused!"
"Slow your breathing."
"Any slower and I'd be dead."
"Quiet your mind."
"It ain't my mind that's doin' the talking."
He sighs the long-suffering sigh of older brothers everywhere. I'm well acquainted with it. "Raph, I'm trying to help."
"And I'm trying to tell you, it ain't working!" I break seiza position to stand and stretch my stiff legs, unable to resist shooting a glare in his direction.
He doesn't seem to mind. He's got that stern-lecture look on his face that says he's about to tell me why I'm wrong. "You haven't slept in three days, it's beginning to affect your performance in training and missions, and the others are getting tired of having to put up with your grumpier-than-usual attitude. You need to sleep."
Called it. For the sake of my exhausted body, I choose to ignore that last comment. "Well gee, is that the problem? Golly, I had no idea sleep was such a necessity! Thank God I have you here to tell me or I'd never figure out why I'm so damn tired!"
Apparently he didn't appreciate my sarcasm. He rolls his eyes to the heavens like he's begging for patience and I can't help but smirk that I got under his skin. Just a little. My victory is short-lived, though, when my eyes decide they can't pin down which way is up. I have to grab the wall for support just to keep from toppling over.
"Sit." He's already by my side, helping me to the floor. Normally I'd object and stay standing just to piss him off, but my legs betray me and turn to jello, so I'm forced to do as he says. His voice is a little too understanding for my liking. "I know it's not your favorite exercise, but meditation might be just what your body needs to find it's center again. To quiet long enough to allow you some rest."
I shoot him another annoyed glare that says "we've had this conversation already" and he raises his hands up in defence.
"Just try again. One more time." He lowers down to my level, folding his knees beneath him to offer an example or a show of solidarity or something. "We both know you're too stubborn to quit."
I huff out my displeasure, but I have no more arguments to offer. So, begrudgingly, I give in and fold my legs beneath me. "And if this still doesn't work?"
"I'll clock you in the head hard enough to knock you out."
Despite myself, I can't help a loud chuckle. "You know, Fearless, I'd almost let you just to see if you could."
He smiles too as he closes his eyes, starting with his deep breathing and waiting for me to do the same. I follow, without protest this time. I'm not really sure how it happened, but instead of annoyance, I'm suddenly calmed by the presence of my brother next to me, breathing with me instead of talking down to me.
It's nice. Peaceful.
I finally feel my muscles begin to relax for the first time in days.
I can feel myself disappearing into the memory. Feel the world around me fading into irrelevance. And as much as I want to give in to it, I know I can't. I have to stay here, present, ready to strike when the moment is right.
Another brass knuckle across my jaw helps ground me. Brings up a bit of blood that I'm quick to spit in the thug's face the next time he comes close for a punch. The others laugh as they give my shoulder a hard kick.
This goes on for hours. No damage that's life threatening, but they certainly got in a few good licks. It's only fuel on their funeral pyre for when I finally break this rope.
I breathe deep, remembering the meditation methods Fearless taught me, drawing into myself and away from the pain while remaining as alert as possible.
"Quiet your mind."
He's still here. Every once in a while my mind starts to panic that I've lost him, but he's always quick to say something and remind me he's—
"Here."
Down the hall. I can't see them, but I feel them. My brothers. My family. This warehouse is so damn huge—filled to the brim with crates and boxes of construction materials for rebuilding the part of the harbour blown up last week—I don't know if Hun can tell they're here.
A thud. Followed by another. A scuffle is breaking out somewhere way on the other side of the building, but the string holding me inverted keeps rotating me at a slow pace, so I can't get a good enough look to pinpoint where they are. I feel like a pig on a spit. And I'm itchin' to spring into action.
But once again, he stops me.
"Wait for the right moment. Don't strike yet."
There's no mistaking Mikey's voice shouting "Cowabunga!" all the way across the room. They're here. They're fighting. They're walking into a trap.
Because of me.
Hun is sitting next to me and chuckling.
I need to—
"Calm. Wait. They can handle themselves."
Ha! What a line coming from the mother of all worry-warts! But I do what he says. No point in waiting this long only to screw it up now.
"Breathe, Raph. Don't forget to breathe."
Right, right. Focused breaths. I hear shouting coming our way but the blood to my head is pumping too loud for me to make out every word.
"—coming, Boss! What do we—"
"Patience."
Even Hun's voice has a smirk in it. My gut is churning out a warning. The rotation of my body is taking me out of eyeshot of the other end of the warehouse, but I finally manage to catch a glimpse of my family booking it around a pile of crates and heading straight for us, weapons drawn and ready for action. I should be relieved. But I get myself turned so I can see Hun and I know why he's smiling. He pulls a trigger from his belt and raises it in the air like a golden trophy, a chuckle escaping his lips. His thumb goes towards the button.
Shit.
Suddenly Big Brother is behind me, whispering in my ear. "Now."
He don't need to tell me twice.
Quick as a flash, I heave my body upwards and throw myself down as hard as I can. The weight of the fall is enough to snap the rope holding me up, and I spin so my shell takes the hit. Before I find concrete, my legs are already in the air, arcing up towards Hun's hand.
His face is priceless. Sure as hell didn't see that coming. He barely has a chance to blink before the clicker is kicked out of reach and the momentum carries his own hand into his chin with a loud SMACK!
No time to celebrate. I move to the crate nearest me where Mr. Big Bad himself had been sitting before and find my sai. It's less than a second to cut myself free, but that's enough for Hun to get his bearings again. He's already going for the trigger.
My hearts in my throat as I rush to beat him to it, shouting over my shoulder loudly as I can. "GET BACK!"
I'm too slow. I watch in abject horror while Hun's hand grips the trigger first, pressing the button before I tackle him to the floor.
The warehouse erupts in fire.
Several bombs hidden in crates on the far end of the complex detonate, sending up plumes of fire and smoke and debris in every direction. I'm far enough away that the only effect I feel is the ground tremor and some of the heat, but by the time I wrestle off Hun and look around the room, I don't see anyone. I don't see my family.
The fire is right beside where they'd been.
No… No, no, no, no, no!
I'm staring at the flames, at the broken hunks of metal and concrete and the burning bits of wood, terror like ice in my veins, and I can't do anything but stand there and gawk.
Where are they? Where is my family!? "Mikey!" I don't even know if they can hear me over the roar of the flame. "Don!?" I'm practically scraping my voice raw with how loud I'm yelling. "Guys!"
…Nothing. I don't see them. I don't hear them. Dammit… dammit what if they—
"Still here."
The voice is beside and in front of me all at once. I see a hint of blue to my right and I turn to try and focus on it, but I can't—
And there I spot them. Lying in a heap way over by the door, and buried in bits of rubble and debris. My family.
My blood runs cold.
Suddenly I hear a chuckle behind me.
Hun's standing back up, wiping the blood off his chin and making some sarcastic comment about ninja being more aware of their surroundings.
I can barely make out his voice. All I hear is the loud drumming of blood pumping in my ears as I turn to see him smirking in victory at what he did to them. What he did to my family. To my brothers.
To Leo.
My hands curl around my sai so tight, my knuckles pale.
"Raph… Don't—"
The world goes away, fading into oblivion as I seethe through my teeth.
"Are you listening to me?"
All I see is red.
"Raph, wait—!"
I lunge.
If I had the courage to open a Pat-reon account, perhaps I could afford a new computer so these failures would happen less frequently. Or perhaps this is the universe's way of telling me to stick to pen and paper.
Questions/Comments/Critiques always welcome.
Thank you for sticking with me.
End of Line
-TRAaP
