Still trying to piece this back together. I apologize that it's taking so long; I can't for the life of me remember how I finished it off. But we'll get there, slowly but surely. And now that I have "the cloud" computer issues should never let this happen again. Thank God.

For those still following, your support is much appreciated. I was going to split this into 2 chapters, but since you've waited so long, I thought you deserved a longer one.


"RAPH!"

His voice tears through the ire, bringing me back to the here and now. I catch a glimpse of my right arm gushing blood and completely useless, and try to thin the haze from my mind while I gather my surroundings.

The pause was clearly the opening my opponent had been waiting for. I see it coming in my periphery, but without my right arm, I'm too slow to stop it.

The blade sinks deep. I can feel it digging around near my liver. But as I'm waiting for the final blow, my mind clears enough to notice it's Hun's only weapon. And his left eye is covered in blood and probably not working so good.

Blue bandana tails whip past me on my left, and I hear him whisper.

"—the right moment."

My lip curls up in a grin as blood pours down my leg. Hun looks at me like I'm a madman, which only makes my smile broader.

It's in the details, right Big Bro?

I clamp my hand on his wrist like a pit bull to a bone, pulling him closer –the blade digs deeper into my innards, but I needed to close the distance—and make sure his face is mere inches from mine before I talk.

"Checkmate."

By the time his blood soaked eye catches what's happening, my sai is so deep in his skull, I can almost see it popping out the other end. It takes a moment, like his brain was trying to understand what just happened, before his eyes close and his body crumples to the floor like a broken marionette.

Year and years I've wanted to sink my sai into that bastards skull. Hot damn did that feel good!

I use the adrenaline from my kill to pull the blade from my side—as carefully as possible, because I know Don's gonna freak out as it is—and I stand over the body. His brain is leaking blood all over the floor and I know for damn sure he's not getting up again. But still. I can't help myself. My rage is not quelled. My thirst for vengeance still demands more.

I take the knife and lord it over Hun's bleeding corpse, right over his enlarged chest. There's something wet on my cheek but I'm pumping too much adrenaline to even notice. "This," I say with venom dripping from every syllable. "This is for my brother." And I drive the blade deep into his heart. Deeper. Until my hand is nearly inside his chest.

Finally. It's done.

But the pain in my chest is still there. It still hurts. As much as it did three months ago. As much as it did when I watched him take in his last breath.

As much as it did when I realized my dumb, worthless ass, had gotten my brother killed.

A sudden dizzy spell brings me out of my stupor, and my eyes dart around the room in a panic. My family. They're here, I saw them. The explosion… I heard more Dragons being thrown about on that side of the warehouse, which means someone is over there. I need to go look. To find them. To protect them. To keep them from leaving me like he did…

What if I just got them all killed? What if they're all…

I sink to my knees without realizing, my body feeling heavier every second. There's a pain in my side now too, and it takes a moment for me to remember I've been hurt. My hand goes to cover the wound immediately.

"Pressure."

He whispers in my ear. I do as he says. I haven't the heart to argue anymore. I want to do what he says. I want to hear him bark orders.

"Keep pressure. Stop the bleeding."

I want him to be here. With me.

"Keep them bright eyes open. If you pass out, I can't give you CPR."

I can't help but crack a smile. I still can't see him, but I feel him sitting next to me, his hand over mine as he helps me keep the pressure on. "Duly noted." I say before spitting a hock of blood from my airways.

The room's gettin' mighty fuzzy. I feel myself list to one side, but when I go to catch myself Leo stops me, holding his hand over mine to keep the blood at bay.

"If I leave, you bleed out."

I'm about to reply with my own wit when I hit the floor. Right… I was falling. But his hand's still on my side. Still helping keep me here. Keep me safe.

Always.

"Leo…" I still can't see him. I keep looking for that blue bandana and those fretting eyes, but they're not anywhere in the room. Everything's starting to go dark. My family… where are my—

I feel his hand though.

"Leo…"

"It's okay, dude, we got you."

That's not Leo's voice. Still familiar. Still comforting. But not Leo.

Oh, thank God. "Mi—" I'm suddenly coughing, the familiar taste of bile and copper mixing in my mouth. But I gotta be sure. They're here. They're okay. "Mikey?"

"I'm here!" He sounds desperate. "I'm here, just squeeze my hand if you can't see me."

I hadn't even noticed his hand was in mine. Gripping tightly. I think. Can't feel it. Can't feel much. But I can hear just fine, and his terror rings out clear as a bell.

I've scared him. Again.

It's always me. The big screwup…

"You're not."

Blue flickers at the edges of my vision. Just beyond the dark. Just out of sight. Just… barely…

"You're a much better person than you think you are."

I don't know if it's what he's saying or the fact that I still can't find him, but I start to panic, coughing as I try and sit up. He's here. I need to find him. See him. Just once. "C-Come back!" I'm spittin' blood, and I know I shouldn't move, there's a voice saying I shouldn't move, but I have to. I have to find him!

"You still don't get it."

It's driving me crazy the way he keeps saying that! "Get what!?"

But it's not Leo that answers.

"Get out of here. Casey and Sensei can only hold them off for so long."

Don. He's safe too.

"I won't lose another brother to your temper!"

Don knows. He knows the truth. Knows what I am. The thought is another knife in my chest. I try to find his eyes, but they're focused on something in my side. My wound? Am I still bleeding? Can't feel it anymore…

I need to—I should say something. Don and Mike, they don't deserve this. Don't deserve me. My brain ain't workin' right and my lips feel as numb as my hands, but I need to tell them. It takes a good solid effort—damn I'm gettin' tired—but I finally manage to clear the blood from my throat so I can speak.

"Don…"

I sound pathetic. Weak. And I don't get past the name before my strength fades again. But I need them to know. Should have said it before. Should have told them all the time. Should have…

Shouldn't have said it. Shouldn't have shouted.

"I DON'T NEED YOU!"

Dammit. I can't make my mouth work. I don't know if it's because I'm bleedin' out or because I'm so damn bad at telling them how much I care, but I can't do it.

Gotta try again. "D-Don…"

My eyes finally manage to focus a little, and I can see Don and Mikey trying to stand me up, Mike taking point with his nunchaku out and spinning, and Don beside me with my arm over his shoulder, trying to drag my ass through the warehouse.

There are tears running down his cheeks.

Dammit.

"Just save your strength, Raph. We can talk after we get you fixed up, okay? After we're home and safe."

"Save the lecture for after we get home."

The thought suddenly strikes me that I might not make it home. I've been thinking it all night, but just now it really sinks in. Becomes real. Maybe it's because I can feel it happening. I can feel myself going. The darkness at the edge of my vision keeps growing and I know this is it.

I slide my eyes over to peak at Mikey who's whipping his weapon in an unsuspecting Dragon's face. Makes me proud, I gotta admit.

Dammit.

A sudden chill runs down my body as the cold hand of dread snakes through my veins. I can't… I can't leave 'em. But I don't think I got a choice in the matter anymore. Can't feel. Can't think. Can barely keep my eyes open. Thoughts are draining through my mind like a sieve and I can barely tell if my feet are under me anymore.

I think… I think I'm leaving…

Dammit!

If only I hadn't gone out on my own.

"You shouldn't have left."

It's always me. I'm always the one screwing it all up. If only I'd stayed.

"Because you took off! And I didn't want you out here fighting alone."

If only I'd listened.

"We're going back. Now."

Why didn't I listen?

"We're a team Raph. We need to stick together."

If only…

"RAPH!"

If only Leo was—

"Still here."

My eyes snap open—when did I close them?—and the room's gone. Everything's disappeared and I'm standing in the middle of this endless white. I can hear Mike and Don shouting frantically around me, but I can't see them anymore.

It feels like I should be panicking, but there's something about this place that soothes my frayed nerves in a way that's almost… familiar.

And then he steps forward. Blue bandana flitting behind his head, one katana upon his back, and a knowing smile across his face.

Not a vision. Not a figment or an apparition. It's really him. In the flesh.

"…Leo?"

I hear him chuckle at how tentative my voice is.

"Hey Raph."

It's his voice. Really his. He's here, speaking to me. Staring at me. And suddenly I can't breathe.

"Still getting into trouble, I see."

He looks at me like he's waiting for a response, but I can't give one. I can't remember how to make my lungs work. He just smiles and walks towards me, eyes bright and almost dancing behind that blue bandana of his. I look him over as he walks and… and there's no more… no more blood. His stomach is fine, his plastron fully intact, not a drop of red anywhere to be seen.

He's suddenly right in front of me and I know if I could move I'd be doing something embarrassing like hugging him or something. But I can't. Can. Not. Move.

If I move he might…

I close my eyes to try and find some semblance of balance when I feel a tight embrace. I feel his breath against my head, feel his heart beating against my chest.

"I'm here."

I don't know what happened. Something in me snaps, I can feel the break as it gives way. And suddenly there's water streaking down my face as my arms shoot around my brother's shell.

He's here. Just like he said he'd be.

There are no words… I can't…

His hand comes up to my neck, holding me there for a moment, when I hear him sniffle. I pull away quickly to see tears streaking down his cheeks.

I ain't ever seen Leo cry before.

He must have understood the dumb look on my face because he just smiles wide at me and wipes the streaks away.

"I've missed you."

His words strike a chord somewhere deep in my chest. I want to reply, but I… I got nothin'. I just stare at him, wondering when the dream is gonna end and trying not to grip his arms too tight. I watch as he looks me up and down like he always did when he was checking for wounds or injuries I wasn't coppin' to.

Finally he clamps my shoulder with his hand—warm and firm and not a spec of blood on it—and gives me a bit of a shake.

"You shouldn't be here."

Before I can even bat an eyelash in protest he's pointing past my shoulder. I turn and see Mike and Don, almost faded behind this veil of white, like a movie screen with the brightness level way too high. They're kneeling beside something on the ground that looks like it's covered in—

Wait… is that…me?

I look from the body to my hands and back at least four times before I finally find my voice. "…Am I—"

"—dead?" Leo shakes his head humorously. "No, not yet. But you don't have much time."

My mind is reeling. I can't seem to find purchase on anything he says. I'm still standing there, probably looking as confused as I feel, when he walks past me to stare at Mike and Don, a familiar twinge to his eyes.

Fondness and worry. Or "Forry" as Mike had dubbed it at one point. I just knew it as the "Leo look".

He watches quietly, his eyes moving from one brother to the other like he's trying to drink in every detail before they disappear. Suddenly Sensei is there beside them, his hand on—I guess that would be my side?—and Leo's face shifts to something that looks awfully close to shame. He holds up his hand, like he's going to reach out and touch the picture of our father, before pulling it back and closing his eyes.

I don't think I'm breathing. I'm just watching him in silence, studying every inch of his face while my heart thumps so heavily in my chest, I'm surprised it hasn't burst through my plastron yet.

"They're in so much pain…"

The way he speaks… it's like daggers. Thin needles, poking just deep enough to pierce the nerve and flare with pain. He sounds tormented. Hurt. And the scariest part is he's not trying to hide it.

"Leo…" His name croaks out like I've just swallowed a cigar, but as I'm about to try again, he's speaking. Low and calm and unjudgemental.

His back in still to me. Still facing our brothers. Our family.

"If you wanted to live, you'd already be fighting your way back to them. It would be close, but you could make it. We both know you could. But you're not fighting. You're here."

Wait… what? Was he saying I'm choosing to die? That's not—

"Are you?"

An ire burns in my stomach that makes me want to shout in his face for even suggesting something so stupid. But it dies the moment I realize the pain in my chest is gone. For the first time in three months I don't feel like someone is staking my heart with a hot rod-iron.

I… I want to be here. With my brother. With Leo. I don't want to leave him.

"I…" But the words won't come. Everything clogs at the back of my throat as I turn to stare at my family—Casey standing over me with his hands in fists and blood on his knuckles, Sensei now pumping my chest and whispering like he's trying to coax me to wake up, Mikey clutching my hand like it's tethering him to sanity, and Don working frantically to patch me up while I bleed all over the roof—and I can feel my fingers curling into my palm.

DAMMIT.

"I can't. I can't leave them."

I know it's cowardly, but I keep my eyes on the ground 'cause I know if I look up—if I see his face all sad and worried and filled with shame and telling me he misses me—I'm going to lose it. I'm going to give in. I'm gonna stay by his side and refuse to leave, consequences be damned.

I think my whole body is shaking as I stand there. I'm barely holding it together when I feel his hand on my shoulder. Don't Leo… just don't…

"Thank God."

I can't help but look up in my surprise and he's standing there in front of me, a big wide smile on his face and something glinting in his eyes that makes my bones ache I've missed it so much.

Pride.

He wants me to go.

"They need you."

I don't mean to scoff, but I can't help it. I know he's trying to be nice and all, but we both know the truth. Know it all too well…

He's suddenly got his arm around my shoulder, turning me to face our family. The white haze that separates us has grown thicker to the point that I can barely see them, but I still make out the general shapes. Their bandanas are missing... They're at the lair now, in Don's medical bay. Don's standing over me as April—when did she get there?—hands him bandages and Casey watches from a distance. Mikey's still holding my hand for dear life, tears falling on my skin as he sits beside me with Sensei's arm draped over his shoulder.

The fear is so thick I can taste it.

"They need you, Raph."

I want to believe him. I do. I know my family would miss me.

They shouldn't. Not after I—

Casey would throw a fit. Mikey would cry. Don would wall himself away.

They should be thankful. I only cause trouble. I never listen. If I'd listened, Leo would still be—

April would square her shoulders and bare it for everyone's sake. And Sensei would be left to pick up the pieces.

I didn't mean to. I didn't. I didn't mean what I said. I swear. Leo, I swear I didn't—

"Raph."

His hand's on my shoulder again, squeezing to get my attention. I just stare at him. Stare at his blue bandana. Stare at his green skin. Stare at those eyes that never stop worrying.

"I don't need your orders."

Not hurt or angry.

"I don't need your leadership."

Why aren't they angry? They should be. I deserve it.

"I DON'T NEED YOU!"

What have I done?

I fall to my knees, my muscles all failing from the anguish now charging through me. How could I? Why did I want to hurt him so badly? He was just being protective big brother. Just being Leo. How could I… I…

I was just being me.

Just being…

Just let me be. Let me stay here. Let me stay with him.

"NO!"

His voice is almost shrill with fear, so much so it startles me into looking at him. He grabs my other shoulder so tightly, I nearly wince at the pressure.

"You can't stay. You can't. Please. I can't stop you—I can't make you go—but you have to! You have to!"

I'm still trying to form my reply when he takes me by the back of the head and touches his forehead to mine. I fall silent, leaning into the touch more than I ever have before.

"Please Raph, you have to understand. I want you here. I do. I want you to stay with me. I miss you more than I can…" He pauses, and I can hear the brokenness in his voice being forced to the back. "But they need you. You have to go back to them. Please. Please."

I almost didn't hear what he was saying 'cause I'm so focused on the touch. His forehead against mine is such an unexpected comfort… I don't wan to think about anything else. I want to stay. I need to stay. I can't leave him. Not again. Never again. I can't—

But Mike and Don. I can't leave them either. Can't leave them alone to deal with everything—three months I've been out of it, I don't even know how badly they've been hurtin'—I can't leave 'em. I can't.

But Leo…

I can't.

I…

"Raph!"

I look up and Leo's glancing back at the picture of the others. It's fading again, the picture washing out so much I can barely see anything. Mikey's standing up—I think it's Mikey—and shouting at me on the table. I ain't seen him cry like that since the rooftop…

I must be fading. It's now or never, I can feel it. Stay or go. Either way, I abandon a brother.

I don't know what to do!

I know I'm of no use to them over there, Mike and Don are better off without me. But they'll hurt… they'll morn… and I can't stand to see 'em cry.

But Leo. I can't. Leave. Leo.

He suddenly stands me up, his face hardened in resolution, looking to me as he steps aside. "Whatever you decide. I'm with you."

I stare at the fading picture of my family huddled around me, holding my hands, shoutin' for me to stay with 'em, begging me to open my eyes.

And my feet don't move.

I look to Leo—my leader, my elder, my brother—and I feel ashamed. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry!"

I can't do it. I can't…

And he just looks at me with those kind eyes again.

Kind and sad.

"I know." His voice is so calm as he touches me on the shoulder. Always calm. Always in control.

I hate him.

I miss him.

I need him.

But I can't stay.

I reach out and touch the picture of my family, a cold film—like brushing the surface of the lake out at the farmhouse—meets my hand. Suddenly there's a pain in my chest, sharp and intense, like a blade cutting out my heart. I can't help it, I fall to my knees clutching my torso and gasping for breath, staring at Leo.

Still here. Hasn't left. Still here.

"It's okay." He whispers quietly, hand still on my shoulder as he kneels beside me. "Let me help." He reaches out and touches the film, grabbing a handful in his fingers and tearing a chunk away. He flinches, his eyes pinching shut like they do when he's fighting off a serious bout of pain and—

Connection. I don't know why or how but I don't care to ask because suddenly I can feel him. I can feel Leo. I hear his thoughts, I know his fears and desires, I feel his pain.

We're connected. For this one brief moment I know my brother better than I ever did before. I know he's hurting. I know he's desperate for me to leave, to go back and protect our family.

I know he wishes more than anything that he could come with me.

The sting is intensifying with each passing second. It's like bolts of electricity jolting from one nerve to next, setting my skin on fire. I reach out and pull at the film, tearing it away as Leo was, ripping it apart as best I can amidst the throbbing of my body.

I can see beyond the screen now. Nothing but darkness. Endless. Emtpy. And suddenly I'm terrified of it.

"Go Raph!" Leo shouts at me amidst his grunts of pain, trying his damnedest to keep this barrier at bay so I can squeeze through. "Quickly! You're out of time!"

I know. I know! Now or never. Literally. But I look up at Leo—stare at those heavy shoulders and those eyes alight with fire and determination—and I can't help but pause. Because I feel him. And I feel something I never thought I would in his mind.

Fear.

Afraid that I'm leaving.

Afraid that I won't.

The pain is too much. "Leo—"

"RAPHAEL!"

Mikey. That was Mikey's voice. Hurt and scared. I suck in as deep a breath as I can and turn to my older brother. To see him. To take him in.

One last time.

"It's never been that you need me." He says before I can open my mouth. "I know you don't." My stomach churns. "It's that I—"

"Leo,"

"I—"

"Wait,"

"Remember what I told you. That night. The last thing I said. Remember it. Please… never forget it."

" LEO!"

I let go.

My body slips through the barrier and the pain disappears. I'm floating in the darkness, my body practically weightless.

My eyes locked on Leo.

He lets go of the film, a huff of exhaustion blowing past his lips as he looks almost shocked that I actually made it through.

He waves at me. Smiling. Tears running down his cheeks.

My heart is in my throat as part of me is suddenly panicking, clawing to go back and bring him with me. But the other half is just as desperate to get back home. Back to Sensei. Back to Casey and April.

Back to my brothers.

My skin is tingling.

Something warm washes through my body like a breeze of hot air, warming me inside and out. It's comforting. I try to focus on it, focus on the warmth and ignore the dread. My stomach finally starts to settle as I breathe deep.

Another pain hits me, duller than before, more like the constant ache of a sore muscle. In my stomach this time. I go to reach for it, but my hand is like lead. I suck in a breath and steady myself—just like liftin' weights—and force my hand to move. It's slow, shaky, but does the job. I feel around my stomach—it feels different, smoother—till I come to something soft. Gauze, if I had to guess. Must be bandaged. No doubt the result of a sleepless night for—

"Raph?"

Don. I don't need to see him to know he's exhausted. His voice is as tired and weary as it always is when one of us is out of commission. And if he's here, that means Mikey must be nearby.

"Raph!"

Right on cue. I can feel the others around me stir, gathering closer. Can feel Mikey squeeze my free hand tightly (can't see, but I know it's him).

My heart feels like it's beatin' out of my chest, and it's not because of the effort it's taking to drag air into my lungs.

I'm scared. Scared to face them. After everything that's happened… after everything I did.

"He told you not to go!"

And they don't even know everything. They weren't there. They didn't see…

I should tell them. Everything. But if I do they'll know it was me. They'll know it was my fault. That none of this would have happened if I'd been paying attention. And I can't handle having them look at me like that.

"You owe us for getting our brother killed!"

It feels like there's a cinderblock on my chest. I try to speak, to tell them what happened—I swear I do—but the words just won't come out.

"It's okay, bro." Mikey's wrapping his other hand around mine and gripping tight, his voice as steady as a rock. "You're home and safe and that's all that matters right now."

Mikey and his insight, I swear. "Mike…"

"We can talk when you're feeling better."

I'm still trying to figure out how in the hell he knew when I'm steamrolled by a headache. I flinch as I feel exhaustion overpower my senses. Still can't open my eyes. The fatigue is growing with each passing second, and I suddenly don't know why I'm fighting it.

"Rest, Raphael. "

Sensei's voice is like a breath of fresh air. It feels like I haven't heard him talk in months. Maybe I haven't. Can't remember… but damn it's good to hear it now. And he sure doesn't have to tell me twice, I don't think it's a minute before my body relaxes and I'm out like a light.

Last thing I remember is Sensei placing a hand on my chest and leaning in to whisper in my ear. "Yoku nemuru, my son."

And after three months of running, I'm finally home.


I didn't edit this as much as I normally do, I wanted to get it up before the weekend (life is about to get rather busy). Comments/Critiques/Corrections always appreciated.

End of Line.

-TRAaP