For the life of me, I cannot remember how I finished this story. This was like pulling teeth trying to get this pieced together.

In any case, I hope this finds you all healthy and safe.


It's been four months. Four months, and it still feels like yesterday. I swear I can still smell the blood. Leo's blood, all over my hands…

I'm still sore from the escapade in the warehouse last month, but everything's healing alright. Doctor Donnie has been particularly vigilant with check-ups every morning and night (whether I want them or not). Mikey usually tags along, cracking jokes anytime he sees me getting too annoyed at the attention.

It's the only time I really see 'em. I stay locked away in my room for the most part, both for rest and because… I'm still not ready to face 'em. Every day I say I'm gonna and every day I chicken out.

I just can't hurt 'em anymore. Can't take Don looking at me like I'm a murderer. Again. Can't stand the idea of Mikey looking at me like that at all. Sensei might understand, he understands everything. Though this wouldn't be the first time I tested his limits…

One of my many cursed talents.

I release my anger in a sigh, trying very hard not to damage the walls anymore. It doesn't matter what I think about lately, my mind always rounds back to self-loathing. I need to snap out of this. Leo said I needed to be here, needed to help the others. I still don't have any clue how he thinks I can do anything, but I left him so I could try. I ain't gonna let that be for nothing. Can't.

My ears perk up as I hear voices down the hall. Doesn't sound like they're coming this way, but I freeze up anyway. I wait at least a minute to be sure they're not coming to knock on my door (damn it's sad how freaked out I get) before taking a breath.

It sounds like they're in…

Quietly as I can, I walk to the end of the hallway, and I hear Mikey talking.

"I know, okay. I know… but…"

The pause is so tense I can feel the strain from here.

"He liked things clean. Just because he's not here, doesn't… doesn't mean…"

Choking silence takes the room again. All I hear is one of them shifting his weight uncomfortably and one of them… wiping something? Petting something? What on earth are they—

"Try this." Don says, a hint of resignation in his voice.

Curiosity gets the better of me, so I suck in a breath and chance a peak: with both shells to the door, they're standing in front of the bookcase on the other side of the room… Dusting?

"It works best with a wet cloth. Keeps more of the dust trapped."

They fall back into silence, meticulously making their way over every book spine and into every corner.

I whip back behind the wall. Can't take looking at it. Looking at that pristine room that will never be slept in again. My fault. All my—

"There's no more green tea."

Mike must have offered the same confused look I felt on my face, because Don clears his throat to continue.

"Sensei and Leo are the only ones who drink it. The only two who know how to make it properly. I went to go make some for Sensei the night after we got back from the farmhouse and there was very little left in the tin. I tried to make it anyway, but it didn't…"

The dusting stops abruptly.

"Leo's gone… really gone. And it wasn't his empty room or the quiet of the lair that made it hit home. It was the tea. That he's the only one who knew how to make Sensei's tea in the morning. And the dust in the dojo; Leo's the one who cleaned it before his morning katas. And the books; he was the only one who would at least attempt to read a book I'd recommend. The only one who caught on to some of my literary references. The only one who…"

I hear him choke down a sob and I have to hold my breath to keep from punching the wall.

"I miss him tucking me in after a nightmare." Mikey sounds like he's on the verge of tears too. "I miss watching him train. I miss trying to sneak up on him while he meditated." They both snort a quick laugh. "I miss hearing him tell us it's all going to be okay. 'Cause even when we knew it wasn't, he was so convincing I always believed him."

They pause—to hug or something, I assume—and I feel myself moving away. I can't take hearing this anymore.

Can't take hearing them so broken.

Can't take hearing about him.

"After everything we've been through, everything we've survived, I can't believe it was a stupid bullet…" Mikey is full on crying now. I don't know if it's his tears or his words, but I'm suddenly at war with myself; my brain says run, run as far you can until your legs stop working and darkness finds you.

But my feet move me in the wrong direction.

"Why this time? Why couldn't we get to him in time? Why was he the one who—"

"Because of me."

I feel their eyes on me like darts on a target, probably as surprised by my sudden appearance as I am. Everything in me screams to get out of here. To stay silent. To never speak of that night again as long as I live. But here I am, standing in front of my brothers, admitting my sin. Because my instinct to run nearly got my family killed last month. I'm not about to let it happen again.

…What the hell am I doing?

"Tell them…"

I suck in a breath and grind my teeth and force the words out.

"He was trying to bring me back to the warehouse to help you two, but I didn't like that he'd come after me. Didn't want to be ordered around."

It sounds so stupid now. So petty. I'd felt entirely justified at the time.

I'd felt…

"I DON'T NEED YOU!"

My fingers curl into my palm before my hands start shaking. Hatred boils in me like a volcano about to erupt. Hatred like I've never felt for any of the villains we've ever faced.

Hatred for myself.

"So I did what I always do, I got mad. I shouted at him. Argued with him. Tried to slug him."

I barely have time to process the fear in his voice as my fist flies through the air at his jaw.

"Suddenly I'm skidding across to the other side of the roof. He pushed me outta the way of something…"

Anger rises as I prepare the mother of all curses to hurl at my brother, who's staring off into the distance, sword drawn and ready.

"I didn't see it… I was so focused on being angry at him that I didn't notice the sniper. But Leo did." Leo always did.

I scan the horizon of roofs until I come across the intrusion; an lone purple dragon on the adjacent building, weapon lying limply in his lap, fighting to wrench free from the blade now pinning him to a chimney through his shoulder. Just barely above his heart. His frantic spasms last all of a minute before he stills entirely. Permanently.

"When I look up, I see the guy by the chimney with a katana through his chest, and Leo just standin' there. He was… he was bleedin'… He—"

A chill runs down my spine as I freeze in place, staring at the watery puddle of red that's slowly crawling towards me. For a minute, my vision blurs. Everything seems to shut down as I slowly look up, tracking the blood to it's source.

Leo's staring down at his hand by his stomach, eyes wide.

There's blood dripping down his fingers.

Dammit. I slam my eyes shut and gulp down the sob that's begging to come out. My fists are clenched so tight I can't even feel 'em anymore.

Run. Run away.

No! Just say it. Say it and be done with it. Be done with them. They'll hate and curse and never speak to me again, but at least they'll know. Might even bring them some closure. I owe them that much, at least.

"Tell them…"

"The bullet was meant for me. He pushed me outta the way… He took it. But it was supposed to be me." I can't breathe past the lump in my throat. My fist is itching for something hard to connect with. I wanna look up and see if they're even still standing there, but I don't dare. Can't ever look 'em in the eyes again. "It's my fault."

The denial nearly chokes me. It can't be… there's no way….

"Leo's dead 'cause of me."

The minute his name leaves my lips I can't stand being in the room any longer. I want to apologize, want to say I'm sorry, but it's pointless. It doesn't mean anything… it won't bring him back. It won't change what happened.

What I did.

I can't fight it anymore. I'm half way out the room before I can blink and I'm shaking so hard I nearly run into the door on my way out.

I don't get two feet down the hall before I'm abruptly lilting. My hand grasps at the wall to keep me steady, but the room is spinning and I'm not sure which way is up anymore. I hear shouting from behind me, and Mikey's suddenly at my side with my arm over his shoulder. Don runs in front of me, his eyes searching to find what's wrong. He's talking—I can see his lips moving—but I can't hear a word. There's a ringing in my ears that drowns everything out.

Don's eyes lock with mine. Those eyes that know I killed our brother.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

My lids close of their own volition as I feel myself falling.

"Raph… Don't—"

Leo?

"Don't shut them out. They'll need…"

Fearless…

Darkness takes me.


"You think you don't measure up?"

"I know… you don't need me."

"Remember what I told you. That night. The last thing I said. Remember it. Please… never forget it."

"RAPH!"

I jack-knife upright so fast it makes me dizzy. Like a top that loses speed, I tip over and fall back onto my bed, my eyes snapping shut in a futile attempt to keep the headache at bay. Flashes of memory from the last few days keep jumping in front of me like a movie trailer on fast forward. It takes at least a good two minutes before my mind calms down enough to think clearly and notice someone's hand on my shoulder, trying to hold me steady.

Worried eyes behind an orange bandana are staring down at me, telling me to lay still. "…Mike?"

"I'm here." No jokes. That's never a good sign with him. "Stay still, I'm gonna go get Donnie—"

"No, don't—" I go to grab his arm, but the sudden movement pulls something in my side, sending a shooting pain across my whole upper body. I can't hide the wince as my hand goes for the bandages—I think I may have popped a stitch or two—and Mike sits right back down.

"You okay?"

I only nod, afraid my voice might give away how much this stings. Fortunately Mikey stays quiet for the next few moments while I get a handle on it.

Too quiet. Mike's never this quiet. Not unless he's really upset. Maybe silence isn't the best policy right now. "What happened?"

He's off in another world, staring at my bandages, so I move my hand and try again. "Hey," He's still eyeing my injury. "What happened?"

"It was stress." Don comes through the door, his voice steady and low. I can't tell if that's comforting or ominous, but as he closes the door it feels like the latter. "Your body was so at war with itself, it had no choice but to shut down. Reboot."

Admittedly I'm only half listening because it takes a good amount of focus for me to sit up after that incident; I hate talking to people while lying down, feels far too vulnerable. "How long was I out?" Just a question to keep them occupied. It's taking more effort than I thought to move, so I don't want them to see me grimace as I trudge to the edge of the bed.

Definitely wasn't expecting Don's answer.

"Seventy-two hours."

"Three days!?"

"Honestly, I don't think it was enough. It's only been a month since the warehouse and that stab wound was not minor. You clearly needed the rest."

I feel their eyes move to my torso, staring at the bandages, and the room goes suddenly quiet. Still. Like someone sucked the oxygen out of the room and we're all holding our breath to keep from choking.

I'm waiting for Mike to part the silence with a joke or a quip like he usually does, but he's barely breathing. They're both just there, staring at me and trying not to catch my eyes. I feel like a caged animal at the zoo.

Run. Run away.

The impulse is so strong, I'm on my feet before I catch the thought and stop it. It freaks my brothers out and they're both standing with their hands out like their ready to stop me.

Brothers… am I even allowed to call them that anymore? Or did that privilege get buried up at the farmhouse too?

My chest tightens so fast I'm winded. I turn away so they can't see my face. I should say something… but what else can I—what other words could possibly—"sorry" isn't enough. Will never be.

"Leo's dead 'cause of me."

My fist is in the wall before I can stop it. Need the pain. Need the connection to keep me here. Keep me from—

"It's not that you need me."

Dammit.

"I know you don't."

Not again.

"It's that I—"

I have to get out of here!

"Don't shut them out."

It pops into my head just as I'm about to book it for the door.

"They'll need…"

"—You."

Clarity comes a little slow. I only catch the tail end of Mikey's sentence as he grips my torso.

"What?"

"Don't go, Raph. Stay. Please. We need you."

He's not even looking at me. His face is buried in my side as he hugs me close, like he's afraid to let go.

"Please…"

I… I don't know what to do. I don't… he shouldn't want this. He should be furious with me, should hate my guts! He shouldn't be begging me to stay. He shouldn't be waiting by my bed. He shouldn't be here!

I shouldn't be here!

"Why?" I didn't mean to ask, I meant to leave. But I can't help myself. "How can you just… You heard me right? I killed Leo!" My voice cracks as I say his name, which only makes Mikey's grip tighter. "I killed him…"

"You didn't!"

Don finds his voice with sudden urgency. He sounds… desperate? I still can't look at him.

"The Dragons pulled the trigger. Their bullet, their gun. And…" He swallows thickly, not even trying to hide the emotion in his voice. "Leo's choice."

My whole body goes rigid.

"He saw it coming and chose to protect you. We all know once Leo's in protective mode, there's no stopping him." He pauses a moment, like he's enjoying that last thought, before his voice gets intensely serious. "It was his choice, Raph. None of this was your fault. I… I never should have blamed you."

My eyes snap shut. "You were right—"

"No, I wasn't! I was angry and scared and hurt, and I thought blaming someone would make the pain go away, but it didn't, and I never should have blamed you! The dragons set the trap. They're the ones to blame. They—" A shrivelled sob escapes him, and it makes my heart lurch. "They took Leo… they killed him. He's gone because of… because of…"

The minute he starts crying, I can't help myself. I grab his shell and pull him close, wrapping my arms around him in a vice grip. I half expected him to pull away, but he leans into it hard, burying his face in my shoulder as he lets the tears flow.

Mikey breaks down the minute Don stops talking, crying almost as hard and sobbing much louder. I move one arm to cloak his shoulders and pull him close as well.

And suddenly I feel something rattle loose in my chest. With a brother under each arm and tears wetting each shoulder, relief sweeps over me with such intensity my legs can't hold me up. I fall to my knees, bringing both brothers with me, and I breathe deep for what feels like the first time in forever. They don't seem to notice, only holding me tighter as we kneel on the floor of my bedroom.

I need this. I need this moment to be there for them and share their pain. I need this connection, this contact, this tether.

I need them. And they're here. And for the first time since that night, the urge to run disappears entirely.

I pull them closer, suddenly terrified they'll disappear like a dream. They both lean into it, crying harder and gripper tighter. Don must have felt the same fear because he abruptly blubbers quietly into my shoulder and throws a vice grip around my shell.

"Please don't leave. I'm so sorry… It wasn't your fault. Please Raph, please don't leave us again. Please…"

I will never forget how broken he sounded.

My hand goes to the back of his head—Leo always did that when he got emotional—and I say with as much conviction as I possess. "I ain't going nowhere."

I promise.

"They need you, Raph. They need you."

"I promise."


This was not how the original scene went pre computer crash, but I like this better. Maybe the crash was my computer telling me to write a better ending.

In any case, we're almost done. One more chapter to piece together.

End of Line

-TRAaP