I am not Chinese, and although I've tried my best to research for this fic and other MDZS fics I'm writing, there may still be errors that I am unaware of. If so, I apologize. If anything is offensive or incorrect, please let me know.

I've done my best to research familial terms in Chinese, and most characters here are referred to by their relation to Lan Sizhui. Translations are at the end. If any of my familial terms are incorrect, please let me know.

The title is a translation of a Chinese idiom, 任重道远 (rèn zhòng dào yuǎn), meaning "to bear heavy responsibilities through a long struggle." I found this specific translation on Yabla.


one

When A-Yuan wakes, he's lying in a soft bed. His first thought is that he's never been in a bed this soft before, but then he isn't sure how he knows that. He can't remember anything except darkness, fear, and a horrible heat that seemed enough to burn his whole little body to a crisp. He feels much better now, but the fear is returning. Where is he? What happened to the people he was with? He doesn't remember them, not really, but he remembers soft smiles and dark eyes and warm hugs. What's happened now?

He opens his eyes to find that he's in a bright, white room with multiple beds. Only two seem to be occupied: his and the one next to him, which holds a man with long dark hair and red bandages on his back. He's asleep, but his face is turned towards A-Yuan, and A-Yuan is instantly certain that he can trust him. He knows this man will protect him, and so he climbs out of his bed and toddles over to the other one. His steps feel shaky, but he makes it to the bed and is about to clamber into it when a hand falls on his shoulder.

"Careful, little one."

A-Yuan turns, pulling away from the stranger's hand, and finds a man behind him with a soft smile on his face. He's wearing the same sort of forehead ribbon that the sleeping man wears, so A-Yuan thinks they must be related. He looks tired, but he's smiling and looks kind, so A-Yuan abandons his attempt at climbing into the other bed and instead wraps his arms around the man's leg.

The man looks startled for a moment, then he huffs out a quiet laugh. "It's good to see you awake and moving," he tells A-Yuan. "We were very worried about you."

A-Yuan thinks about trying to explain everything, or perhaps asking this man to explain instead, but he ultimately decides against that and chooses to bury his face into the man's robes. The man bends down and picks him up, propping A-Yuan up on his hip and holding him close. Something about the position feels familiar, although A-Yuan doesn't know why, and he wraps his arms around the man's neck and holds him back.

"My name is Lan Xichen, but you can call me Bofu," the man says. "The man in the bed there is my brother, Lan Wangji. He has adopted you as his son and given you the name Lan Yuan."

A-Yuan is pretty sure his name wasn't Lan Yuan before, but if his new bofu says that's his name now, he won't argue it. "Family?" he asks in a small voice.

"Yes, A-Yuan," Bofu agrees, "we're your family."

A-Yuan thinks about that for a moment, then wiggles out of his bofu's arms. Bofu sets him down, and A-Yuan immediately tries to climb into the other bed again.

"Whoa," Bofu cautions, "what are you doing, A-Yuan?"

"Family," A-Yuan says. "I want to sleep with A-Die."

"I'm afraid you can't do that right now," Bofu says gently. "Your A-Die is wounded, see? You have to sleep in your own bed and let him sleep in his."

A-Yuan looks at the bed he woke up in, which was soft and cozy before but now looks horribly big and empty. He feels tears begin to well up in his eyes.

"Not alone," he protests. "Not alone!"

His bofu sighs softly, then picks A-Yuan up again. "Very well. If you don't want to sleep alone, how about I bring you to my house and you can sleep with me?"

A-Yuan looks back at his sleeping a-die. "What about A-Die?"

"He'll stay here, but we can visit him again tomorrow," Bofu promises. "We can visit him whenever you want to."

A-Yuan looks back up at his bofu, clinging tightly to his robes. "You'll stay with me?"

"I'll stay with you," Bofu vows. "You won't be alone, A-Yuan, I promise."

A-Yuan thinks it over for a moment, then nods. "Okay."

"Alright," Bofu says. "I need to speak to one of the healers for a moment, then we can go to my house. Do you want me to keep holding you or put you down?"

A-Yuan tightens his grip on his bofu's robes and buries his head in his shoulder. His bofu laughs, just barely. "Alright, I'll keep holding you."

Bofu finds a woman in the back of the room and speaks to her quietly, using big words that A-Yuan doesn't understand. The woman is wearing a ribbon just like Bofu and A-Die, so A-Yuan decides that must mean she's related to them too. He wonders if he'll get a ribbon too. He hopes he will. He likes them.

"Alright," Bofu says after he finishes his conversation with the woman. "Shall we go to my house now?"

A-Yuan nods, and Bofu carries him out of the room. Outside, there are lots of other people, mostly wearing white robes. Most of them have ribbons, but some don't. Many of them look at Bofu and A-Yuan, and some of them even bow, but no one tries to speak to them as Bofu carries A-Yuan to his home. It's not a particularly large house, but it's clean and warm and has A-Yuan's new bofu in it, so A-Yuan decides he likes it.

"Now," Bofu says, "are you hungry, A-Yuan?"

A-Yuan thinks about it for a moment, then shakes his head. His stomach feels strange, but the feeling isn't hunger. "Tired," he says instead, because he is tired.

"Alright," Bofu agrees easily. He sets A-Yuan down on the bed. "Do you want me to stay here while you sleep?"

A-Yuan nods frantically. Bofu gently brushes his hair away from his face, then he kisses A-Yuan on the forehead. "Alright. I'll stay. Go to sleep, A-Yuan."

A-Yuan doesn't really remember much, but he know something is missing here. If he's going to sleep, there's something Bofu should have done. It takes him a moment to remember what it is, then he reaches out and tugs on Bofu's sleeve.

"Hug?"

"You want a hug?" Bofu asks.

A-Yuan nods.

Bofu smiles at him. "Alright," he agrees, opening up his arms. A-Yuan throws himself into his bofu's embrace, clinging to him tightly. His bofu, he discovers, gives wonderful hugs. A-Yuan feels warm and loved and safe.

When he finally pulls away, he smiles at his bofu and lies down in his bed. "Goodnight."

Bofu smiles. "Goodnight, A-Yuan."

"Love you."

Bofu's smile turns impossibly soft, and he kisses A-Yuan's forehead again. "I love you too."

A-Yuan still doesn't remember anything, and he doesn't know what's happening, but that's alright. He's got a new a-die, and he's got a new bofu, and he knows they'll take care of him. He knows he'll be safe.

A-Yuan burrows into the sheets on the bed, and, still warm from his bofu's hug, he falls asleep.


two

Over the next few months, Lan Yuan gets used to living in the Cloud Recesses. He gets his own forehead ribbon, just like his a-die and bofu, as well as new robes that are soft and fit him perfectly. He lives with his bofu, but he visits his a-die every day, first while he's in the big room where Lan Yuan first woke up, and later in his own house that he calls the jingshi. But even after his a-die leaves the big room, he's still hurt, and Lan Yuan isn't allowed to touch him. Sometimes, though, his a-die will reach out and put a hand on Lan Yuan's shoulder, even though it makes his bofu frown and scold, "Wangji." Lan Yuan doesn't think his a-die is supposed to be moving, but he likes those little touches, so he doesn't try to stop them.

Lan Yuan also meets other people in the Cloud Recesses, everyone from other children his age to the elders, including his shuzu. His shuzu can be a little grumpy sometimes, but that's alright. Lan Yuan does think it's strange that he always gets grumpy whenever he sees Bofu bringing Lan Yuan to his a-die's house. Lan Yuan has never seen Shuzu at the jingshi, and a few times, Lan Yuan has heard Shuzu talk to Bofu about something called seclusion. Lan Yuan asked Bofu what that means and was told it means his a-die isn't supposed to receive visitors. "But I will not forbid him from seeing his own son, nor the other way around," Bofu added. "You don't need to worry, A-Yuan."

Lan Yuan trusts his bofu, of course, so he isn't worried at all. He enjoys his daily trips to visit his a-die, and also enjoys living with his bofu. He even enjoys spending time with his shuzu, at least when he's not being too grumpy. Shuzu is very smart, and sometimes he'll give Lan Yuan little lessons he can tell Bofu or A-Die about later. Both of them are very proud of how well he learns. "But remember," his a-die tells him, lying on his stomach on the bed, "there are things you can only learn from experience, and things that may not be as your shuzu tells you. You must learn those things yourself."

"Yes, A-Die," Lan Yuan agrees obediently, even though his shuzu seems awfully smart. He sneaks a glance at his bofu to see if he agrees with the statement and sees a small, sad smile on his bofu's face.

"Who is right and who is wrong?" Bofu asks quietly. "What is black and what is white?"

A-Die inclines his head. "There are still so many puzzles in this world."

Lan Yuan isn't sure what either of those things mean, but he nods solemnly as if he does. Maybe this is one of the things he must learn for himself.

Bofu looks out the window briefly, then turns to Lan Yuan and A-Die. "I'm afraid we have to leave," he apologizes. "I have a meeting with the elders soon."

A-Die nods. Lan Yuan does too, although he's not happy about it. He doesn't get much time with his a-die, and he wishes he could stay with him longer. His bofu has promised that he'll be able to spend more time with his a-die the more he heals, and that eventually, he'll be able to live with him. Until then, though, he can only visit with his bofu.

"Can I have a hug, A-Die?" Lan Yuan bursts out as they're about to leave.

Both his bofu and his a-die go still. "Wangji-" Bofu begins, but before he can finish his sentence, A-Die says, "Yes."

"Yes?" Lan Yuan repeats, hardly able to believe it. "Yes!"

"But gently, A-Yuan," Bofu says quickly. "Remember, your a-die is still hurt."

"Yes, Bofu," Lan Yuan agrees, almost vibrating with excitement. This will be the first time he gets to hug his a-die, and he can only imagine how wonderful it'll be.

"Can you help me up, xiongzhang?" A-Die asks Bofu quietly. Bofu's lips thin a bit, but he helps A-Die so he's sitting up, if also leaning fairly heavily against Bofu.

"Come, A-Yuan," A-Die says, and Lan Yuan steps forward and, as gently as he possibly can, throws his arms around his a-die's neck.

It takes a moment for A-Die to hug him back, and even when he does, it's a little… stilted. Perhaps it's because he's still hurt. Bofu hugs with every bit of his body, but A-Die feels stiff. It's still wonderful, because it's Lan Yuan's first time hugging his a-die, but it's also a little bit strange.

"I think that's enough, A-Yuan," Bofu says after a moment. "Your a-die should lie back down."

"Xiongzhang-"

"Wangji," Bofu says, his voice firm. "You're still injured."

Lan Yuan lets go of his a-die, as much as he hates to do it, and a moment later, his a-die lets go of him. "I will see you tomorrow, A-Yuan."

"See you tomorrow, A-Die," Lan Yuan agrees. He waits for Bofu to help A-Die settle back into his bed, then he takes his bofu's hand as they leave the jingshi.

"Bofu," Lan Yuan asks after a moment, "does A-Die know how to hug?"

"What do you mean?" Bofu asks.

"Bofu knows how to hug," Lan Yuan declares. "A-Die doesn't."

Bofu sighs. "Your a-die normally doesn't like to touch people. He doesn't mind as much with people he loves, but…"

"Does A-Die hug you?" Lan Yuan asks. His bofu is, after all, the best hugger he's ever met.

"Not often," Bofu replies. "Not since he was a child."

If his a-die doesn't even hug Bofu, Lan Yuan can't imagine that he would want to hug anyone else. "No hugs from A-Die?" he asks, his heart sinking slightly at the thought.

"I'm sure your a-die will hug you," Bofu says firmly. "But he may be… awkward, for a while, and it may take some time before he's comfortable giving many hugs. But A-Yuan, if you ever want a hug, you can come to me, alright? I promise you, I will always give you a hug if you want it."

Lan Yuan considers that for a moment. It seems like a pretty good deal to him, he has to admit. "Now?" he asks curiously.

Bofu smiles and bends down to scoop Lan Yuan up. He hugs him tightly, then settles him on his hip.

"Of course. Whenever you wish."

Lan Yuan leans on his bofu's shoulder and smiles. "Okay."


three

Lan Yuan has been in the Cloud Recesses for almost exactly three years when his a-die's seclusion finally ends. Both Lan Yuan and Bofu are there when he leaves the jingshi for the first time, and Lan Yuan delightedly drags him to all of his favorite places. His a-die does the same, bringing Lan Yuan to meet the rabbits in the back hill. Bofu helps Lan Yuan to move his things from the hanshi to the jingshi, and Lan Yuan finally gets to live with his a-die. Everything, Lan Yuan thinks, is absolutely perfect.

And then his a-die leaves to go on a night hunt.

Lan Yuan understands that cultivators often go out on night hunts. He understands that they're important, to keep people from being hurt by monsters. He understands that his a-die, who's a very powerful cultivator, will probably go on night hunts a lot, so he can protect as many people as possible.

But that doesn't make Lan Yuan any less afraid that something will happen to A-Die while he's gone.

"A-Yuan?" Bofu asks from across the hanshi. Lan Yuan is staying there until his a-die gets back, which should be in two days, if all goes well. "Are you alright? You aren't working on your assignment."

Lan Yuan looks down at the reading his teacher assigned, which is open and entirely unread in front of him. He would read it - he's normally fairly good at his lessons, and he works hard to make his a-die and bofu and shuzu proud - but he can't focus now. How is he supposed to read while his a-die is off fighting monsters?

"Is something wrong?" Bofu asks, walking over to him and kneeling at his side. "A-Yuan, did something happen?"

Lan Yuan looks down. "I'm worried about A-Die," he mumbles in his quietest voice.

"I'm sorry, I don't understand," Bofu says. "Can you say that again, a little louder?"

"I'm worried about A-Die!" Lan Yuan repeats, his voice much louder this time. "What if he gets hurt? What if a monster gets him? What if-"

The last what-if is too terrible to even say aloud, but it echoes in Lan Yuan's head anyway. What if he never comes back home?

Bofu sighs, then pulls Lan Yuan into his lap. Lan Yuan snuggles into his embrace. "May I tell you a secret?" Bofu asks. Lan Yuan nods, and Bofu admits, "I worry for your a-die as well."

"Do you think he'll get hurt?" Lan Yuan asks worriedly.

"No, most likely not," Bofu replies. "Your a-die is a very good cultivator. He has a very strong golden core, and his skills are almost unmatched. But he is my younger brother, so I worry for him anyway. And when I went on night hunts without your a-die when we were younger, he worried for me, and when you are old enough to go on night hunts, your a-die and I will both worry for you, no matter how skilled you are. Part of loving people is worrying what may happen to them. And sometimes…"

A shadowed look passes over Bofu's face, one that Lan Yuan has seen a few times in the past year. It started happening after Bofu's friend Chifeng-Zun died, Lan Yuan thinks. He wonders now if Bofu is worried that A-Die will die too, just like Chifeng-Zun.

"I don't want A-Die to go on night hunts," Lan Yuan says quietly. "I want him to stay here with us."

"I understand," Bofu replies. "But your a-die wants to help people. When you're older, you may feel the same way."

"You don't go on night hunts," Lan Yuan counters.

"I used to, back before I became the sect leader," Bofu replies. "Now, I rarely have the time."

"Could you give A-Die a lot of things to do so he doesn't have time to go on night hunts either?" Lan Yuan asks.

Bofu laughs. "I think your a-die would find a way to go night hunting anyway. And I wouldn't want to keep him busy here when he wants to be somewhere else."

"But why doesn't he want to be with me?" Lan Yuan protests.

"Oh, A-Yuan," Bofu sighs. "Your a-die does want to be with you, I promise. But he also wants to protect people, and sometimes, the people who need protecting live far away. But he'll always come back."

"Unless he gets hurt and he can't," Lan Yuan argues petulantly.

"Your a-die is a very powerful cultivator. I'm sure he'll be fine."

"But what if he's not?" Lan Yuan cries. "I don't want to lose A-Die too!"

Bofu goes still. "Too?"

Lan Yuan buries his face in his bofu's chest, not sure how to explain. He knows that his a-die isn't his birth father. He knows he lived with other people before he came to the Cloud Recesses. He doesn't remember much of anything about those people, but he knows he lost them. He knows they're gone now, and maybe he doesn't remember them but he still misses them. He knows he's lost people, and he doesn't want to lose any more.

And he is terrified that he might lose his a-die.

"A-Yuan," Bofu says quietly, "did you know that your a-die and I lost our muqin when your a-die was only a little older than you?"

Lan Yuan has never heard anything about his zumu before. "No," he says, tentatively pulling his face away from his bofu's chest.

"She lived in the jingshi," Bofu says. "Your a-die and I loved to visit her."

"You didn't live with her?" Lan Yuan asks, confused. He lives with his a-die in the jingshi, after all.

"No," Bofu says, "we lived with our shufu. Your shuzu. But we loved to visit our muqin, until one day, our shufu told us she was gone. Your a-die was too young to understand what that meant, but Shufu meant that she was dead."

Lan Yuan presses his face against his bofu's chest again. That's exactly what he's afraid of, that one day his a-die will be gone forever, just like his old family. "Were you sad?" he whispers.

"Very," Bofu agrees. "Your a-die knelt outside the jingshi once a month, even though she couldn't let him in. Even when he understood that, he still knelt."

"What if A-Die dies, like your muqin?" Lan Yuan asks. He hardly breathes the words, terrified that speaking too loudly might make them come true, but his bofu hears him anyway.

"You will not be alone," Bofu promises. "When our muqin died, your a-die and I were raised by our shufu. If your a-die dies, I will raise you. But I don't think he's going to die, A-Yuan. He's very strong, and he's careful, and he doesn't want to leave you. And if you explain your fears to your a-die, I'm sure he'll understand."

Lan Yuan tries to nestle even further into his bofu's chest, and his bofu embraces him, holding him tightly. Lan Yuan feels safe there, and that, he trusts, will never change, no matter what.

He'll speak to his a-die when he gets back, but for now, Lan Yuan stays in his bofu's hug, and for a while, the world doesn't seem quite so scary after all.


four

Years pass. A-Die continues to go on night hunts, but he makes Lan Yuan a promise to be careful and always come back to him, and Lan Yuan believes it. Lan Yuan begins attending more classes and learning more things, eventually becoming one of the first of his classmates to form a golden core. He's given the courtesy name Sizhui, and although his a-die and bofu - whom he's now supposed to call Hanguang-Jun and Zewu-Jun, although he only does so in public - still call him A-Yuan sometimes, he enjoys hearing the name Sizhui from them as well, knowing it's a name he's earned.

And then, when he's considered old enough, Lan Sizhui begins going out on night hunts, just like his a-die.

Night hunts can be terrifying, but they're also exhilarating. Lan Sizhui begins to understand why his a-die goes on them so often. He normally only goes on the ones that aren't too dangerous and are close to Gusu, but as he grows older, he's able to go farther and deal with more creatures. He normally hunts with other juniors around his age, including his best friend Lan Jingyi, who makes sure they get assigned to the same night hunts as often as possible. Normally, they're accompanied by an older disciple, often Lan Sizhui's a-die, but as they grow older, they're sometimes able to go off on their own.

It's on one of those night hunts, a supposedly easy one that Lan Sizhui and Jingyi go on together, that things go terribly wrong.

They thought it was just a single fierce corpse, but there are lots of them, and something about them is draining, more so than it should be. Jingyi sets off the emergency flare, but the distraction costs him, and Lan Sizhui screams as his friend falls. He does his best to fight the corpses, defending Jingyi's unconscious body, but the corpses descend on him, and the world goes dark-

And he wakes in the infirmary, completely unaware of how he got there.

Lan Sizhui tries to sit up, but the movement sends a shock of pain through his body and he gasps, falling back on the sheets. He hears a rustle of movement, and a moment later, his bofu bends over him, a relieved smile on his face.

"Sizhui. I'm glad to see you awake."

"What happened?" Lan Sizhui rasps. "Where's Jingyi? Is he alright?"

"Jingyi is in the bed next to yours," Bofu says, and Lan Sizhui immediately turns his head to see his friend lying beside him, pale and sleeping but obviously alive. "He woke earlier and should make a full recovery. He was very worried about you. We all were. Speaking of which, I should send a message to your a-die that you've woken. He should be back today, or perhaps early tomorrow."

A-Die is off on his own night hunt, one that's a three day trip away. He should have arrived the day of Lan Sizhui's night hunt, so if he's already nearly back…

"How long has it been?" Lan Sizhui asks.

Bofu pours Lan Sizhui a cup of water and helps him sit up so he can drink it. "Your night hunt was the night before last. You and Jingyi were brought back here quickly, and you've been recovering ever since."

"What happened, during the night hunt?" Lan Sizhui asks. "There were lots of fierce corpses, not just one, but even still…"

"There was a jiangshi among the group," Bofu explains. "It absorbed your qi as you fought. You should never have been sent on this night hunt. We clearly didn't know enough about it beforehand." Bofu sighs deeply. "I hope you can forgive me, Sizhui. I should have been more careful."

"It wasn't your fault, Bofu!" Lan Sizhui quickly assures him. "And Jingyi and I are alright. There's nothing to be worried about anymore."

Bofu looks at him, a slight frown on his face. "You're shaking."

Lan Sizhui looks down at his hands, which are indeed trembling. "Oh," he says faintly. He doesn't quite know why, except that he was terrified on the night hunt, and he's safe now but some of that terror feels like it's still caught in his body. He's safe, and there's no reason to be scared now, but…

Bofu sits down on the edge of Lan Sizhui's bed, taking his hands in his. "Sizhui," he says quietly, "it's alright if you're still afraid."

"There's no reason to be afraid!" Lan Sizhui protests. "I'm safe! I'm home! I'm going to be alright, and Jingyi is going to be alright, and- and-"

"You're safe now, yes," Bofu agrees. "But you were in danger before. You didn't know if you would live or die. It's alright if you're still afraid."

Hot tears threaten to spill from Lan Sizhui's eyes, and he blinks harshly, trying to hold them back. "But I'm safe," he protests brokenly, and in an instant, his bofu pulls him into an embrace.

"Oh, A-Yuan," he says, rocking Lan Sizhui slightly like he's still a child, "fear affects people in different ways, and it's not so easily banished. It's alright for you to feel it. It's alright for you to be affected by this. You faced an awful danger, more than you should have at your age. It's alright to be afraid."

The tears escape, and Lan Sizhui sobs onto his bofu's shoulder, letting out all the fear he felt and still feels in a deluge of emotion. His bofu holds him in a solid, comforting, protective embrace, rocking him gently and petting his hair as he cries. Truthfully, Lan Sizhui is too old for this, but his bofu doesn't mention that, and so Lan Sizhui doesn't either. He feels safe here, warm and held, and he doesn't want to give that up yet. If his bofu is willing to keep holding him, Lan Sizhui wants to be held.

He can't be held forever, though, so finally, he does pull away, wiping at his eyes. Bofu smiles gently at him, warm and completely free of judgment, and leans forward to kiss his forehead.

"You're safe here, I promise."

Lan Sizhui offers his bofu a watery smile in response, and he's about to say something else when a white whirlwind enters the infirmary and settles at his bedside. Lan Sizhui has never seen his a-die so distressed before, but it's the only word for the way he looks now.

"Sizhui," A-Die breathes. He's still dusty from traveling, and he hasn't even stopped to put away his things, but he doesn't seem to care; he only has eyes for his son. "You are alright?"

Lan Sizhui looks at his bofu, then at his a-die, and he smiles. "Yes, A-Die, I am."


five

For a while after the disastrous night hunt, A-Die refuses to let Lan Sizhui go out on night hunts without a senior disciple present. Said senior disciple is almost always A-Die himself, or sometimes Jingyi's mother. Eventually, though, Lan Sizhui talks his a-die into relenting, and he starts going on his own night hunts again.

And on one of those night hunts, he meets Mo Xuanyu.

Mo-qianbei is… strange. His family called him crazy, but Lan Sizhui doesn't think it's that simple. It seems like Mo-qianbei wants people to think he's a lunatic, but Lan Sizhui isn't sure that he really is. And there's something else about him, something familiar…

But when Lan Sizhui asks his a-die if he's ever met Mo-qianbei before, his a-die quietly tells him that he hasn't, so there must not be anything familiar about him after all.

Familiar or not, strange or not, Lan Sizhui finds himself growing fond of Mo-qianbei. He's a capable teacher, and something about him feels safe. Lan Sizhui knows that, if Mo-qianbei is around, he'll be protected. He knows that, if Mo-qianbei is around, he won't get hurt.

And then, Mo-qianbei goes with A-Die and Bofu to the conference in Lanling, and Lan Sizhui learns that everything Mo-qianbei ever told him may well have been a lie. And yet, strangely enough, he feels even more familiar as Wei Wuxian than he did as Mo Xuanyu.

Lan Sizhui has already talked to A-Die about this to no avail, and A-Die has been acting strangely since Mo-qianbei - no, Wei Wuxian - came to the Cloud Recesses anyway, so Lan Sizhui goes to his bofu instead. Bofu is acting a bit strangely too, but when Lan Sizhui knocks on the door of the hanshi, he still smiles like he always does and invites Lan Sizhui to sit down for tea.

"How are you, Sizhui?" he asks as he serves them tea. "We've all been so busy lately, I've hardly seen you."

"I'm alright, Bofu," Lan Sizhui replies. "How are you?"

Bofu smiles, but he seems tired. "I'm well, thank you." He sips his tea, eyeing Lan Sizhui, then he sets his cup down and says, "Will you tell me what's bothering you?"

"Why do you think something is bothering me?" Lan Sizhui asks quickly.

"Sizhui, I helped your a-die raise you," Bofu replies dryly. "I can tell when you're troubled by something. Will you tell me what it is?"

The entire point in going to his bofu had been for Lan Sizhui to tell him about his strange feelings towards Wei Wuxian, but now that he's seen how tired his bofu looks, he's not sure he wants to add onto his troubles. "It's nothing, really."

"If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to," Bofu says. "But please do me the honor of being honest with me, at the very least."

Shame burns through Lan Sizhui at the scolding, however mild. "I'm sorry, Bofu," he mumbles. "I just don't want to add to your burdens."

"Sizhui," Bofu says, his voice gentle but firm, "you are my zhizi. You could never be a burden. If something is troubling you, I want to help."

Lan Sizhui looks down at his cup of tea. "It's really nothing serious, Bofu. It's only… Is Mo-qianbei really the Yiling Laozu?"

Bofu closes his eyes and lets out a long breath. "He is."

"So… the Yiling Laozu is really back?"

"He is," Bofu agrees. "But I have reason to believe that he's not as evil as we all believed, back then. I don't think you're in any danger from him."

"I don't think so either," Lan Sizhui agrees before he can think better of it.

There's a flash of some sort of emotion on his bofu's face, gone as quickly as it came. "You're not afraid of him, then?"

"No," Lan Sizhui says. "I don't… I think…" He shakes his head, focusing on the question he came here to ask in the first place. "Bofu, did I ever meet the Yiling Laozu? Before I came to the Cloud Recesses?"

His bofu goes still. "Why do you ask?"

"Something about him seems familiar," Lan Sizhui admits. "I… I know that, if I met him, it would have to have been before I came here. I don't remember much from back then, but sometimes I remember little things. And I feel like I remember the Yiling Laozu. But I… I'm not sure. That's why I wanted to ask if you knew."

The expression on Bofu's face is unreadable, then he sighs deeply and sets down his teacup. "I met you for the first time when your a-die brought you to the Cloud Recesses. I know some of where you were beforehand, but it's not my story to tell. Your a-die ought to be the one who tells you that."

"I understand," Lan Sizhui murmurs.

"But Sizhui," Bofu adds, "I do know that before you came to the Cloud Recesses, you were with people who loved you and cared for you very much. They did all they could for you, and protected you as long as they were able. They wanted you to be safe and happy, and they did all they could to make sure you were."

A-Die has already told Lan Sizhui this, although he's never elaborated. A tiny, rebellious, unfilial part of Lan Sizhui wants to find his a-die and shake the answers out of him, but he knows he would never do so. Perhaps, once things have settled down a little, he'll ask him again, but not right now. Yiling Laozu or not, Wei Wuxian clearly means a great deal to A-Die, so Lan Sizhui will give them their time together.

But he's so confused, and he wishes he could remember.

Bofu sighs again. "Come here," he tells Lan Sizhui. Lan Sizhui obediently shuffles closer to his bofu, and once he's within reach, he finds himself being embraced.

"I know you must be confused," Bofu whispers into his hair. "I know the mysteries of your past affect you more than you let anyone see. But you have always been loved, A-Yuan. You were loved by your family before, and you are loved by your family now. You will never have to face these things alone."

"I know, Bofu," Lan Sizhui whispers, returning his bofu's embrace. "I love you too."

He feels a kiss being pressed into his hair, and even though Lan Sizhui is too old to be acting like a child like this, he stays where he is, reveling in his bofu's embrace. The world outside may be confusing, but here, he fits. Here, he understands what's important, and he doesn't need to care about what isn't. Here, he has his bofu, and right now, that's enough.


+one

The world falls into chaos, and it's only when Lan Sizhui is sitting outside a collapsed Guanyin Temple, his mind whirring with the deluge of new information he's received or put together himself, that he has a moment to think through everything. He hardly knows what to think about first; should he focus on what came to light about Jin Guangyao? Or should he focus on the memories he's regained? Or should he focus on the way something seems to have changed between Wei-qianbei - his Xian-gege, he remembers calling him a lifetime ago - and his a-die?

No, he decides, looking across the temple courtyard at a slumped, white-robed figure, he thinks right now, he needs to focus on his bofu.

There's blood on his bofu's robes. Lan Sizhui has never seen him disheveled like this before, but even worse is the look in his eyes, an empty expression that makes a shiver go down Lan Sizhui's spine. He's not sure whether or not his bofu is aware of anything going on around him, so Lan Sizhui moves slowly and non-threateningly as he kneels in front of him.

"Bofu?"

His bofu's eyes slowly focus on him. "Sizhui," he sighs, sounding exhausted and horribly old. "What are you doing over here?"

"Are you alright, Bofu?" Lan Sizhui asks tentatively. It's clear that his bofu isn't alright, not at all, but he doesn't know what else to say.

"Don't worry about me, little one," Bofu admonishes gently. "You should go find your a-die. I think he might have something to tell you."

The thought is tempting, as Bofu must have known it would be, but Lan Sizhui doesn't move. "You are my bofu," he says instead. "You could never be a burden."

Bofu lowers his head, acknowledging the words that Lan Sizhui has turned back around on him. "It is the duty of the elder to take care of the younger, not the other way around."

"But I want to help you, if you need it," Lan Sizhui protests. "Please, Bofu, is there anything I can do?"

His bofu still looks exhausted and drained, but he does his best to smile. It feels like someone is tugging at Lan Sizhui's heart. His bofu's smiles are normally full of kindness and life, but this one looks almost dead. If it's meant to reassure Lan Sizhui, it does the exact opposite.

"I'll be alright, Sizhui. You don't need to stay here for me."

Lan Sizhui bites his lip, looking around. If he can't get through to his bofu, perhaps his a-die can. But his a-die, he realizes, is nowhere to be seen. Wei-qianbei seems to have disappeared as well. Lan Sizhui makes brief eye contact with Wen Ning in the corner of the courtyard - his Ning-shushu, if all is as Lan Sizhui thinks it is; his coal-gege, he vaguely recalls calling him once - and he discreetly nods towards the open temple gates. They've already left, then. Lan Sizhui can't say he's exactly surprised, but he does want to go after them, to speak to them before they're gone.

But he doesn't want to leave his bofu to do it.

"Sizhui," Bofu says, his voice quiet. "Go after your a-die. Don't worry yourself over me."

Lan Sizhui looks at his bofu for a long moment. He does want to go after his a-die, he truly does, but first…

He moves slowly enough that Bofu could stop him if he wanted, telegraphing his movements enough that Bofu must be able to tell what he's about to do. But Bofu does nothing to prevent it, so Lan Sizhui gathers him up in a hug.

There have been countless times that Bofu has comforted Lan Sizhui with a hug, but far fewer when Lan Sizhui has comforted his bofu in return. Now, though, he tries to take everything he's ever learned about comforting others and turn it on his bofu, hugging him tightly and securely, just like how his bofu always hugs him when he's the one in need of it. Whenever his bofu hugs him, Lan Sizhui feels safe and loved, and he tries to radiate that feeling back at his bofu now. Perhaps words aren't getting through to him, but maybe this can. Maybe, if Lan Sizhui holds his bofu for long enough, his bofu will be alright again.

He knows it's a childish thought. He knows that's not how recovery works. He knows that there are some wounds that are deep and unseen and don't heal easily, and he has the feeling his bofu is suffering from one now. A single hug won't be enough to heal him.

But that won't stop Lan Sizhui from trying.

His bofu, at first, is stiff in Lan Sizhui's embrace, but after a few moments, he relaxes, slumping slightly as he hugs him back. He's still not leaning on Lan Sizhui, not really, but at least he's allowing the comfort. At least he's not pushing Lan Sizhui away. Lan Sizhui didn't really think he'd do that, but he was a bit worried that his bofu would truly want to be alone. But he's kept his promise from years ago, back when Lan Sizhui was young and his a-die was still injured and grieving; Bofu promised then that he would always be there if Lan Sizhui wanted a hug, and he's never gone back on that since, not once. He's always been there, and Lan Sizhui wants him to know that the opposite is also true. If his bofu needs him, Lan Sizhui will always be there as well.

"I love you," Lan Sizhui whispers into his bofu's hair. "I love you, Bofu, always."

His bofu sucks in a shaky breath, then pulls away, just slightly. Lan Sizhui takes the hint and lets him go. He'd like to think Bofu looks a little better than he did before the hug, but he's not sure if that's really the case or if Lan Sizhui is just seeing what he wants to see.

"I love you too," Bofu whispers. "I'm so sorry, A-Yuan."

"You don't need to apologize," Lan Sizhui says. He's not sure what his bofu is even apologizing for, but he's certain it doesn't need to be said.

There's an ancient sort of pain on Bofu's face that reminds Lan Sizhui a bit of the look that sometimes passed over his a-die's face back when he first began staying in the Cloud Recesses, back when his a-die was still struggling not to drown in grief. It fades in a moment, but doesn't quite disappear. Normally, Bofu is better at hiding his feelings than this, but right now, he looks too tired to try.

"Go after your a-die," he tells Lan Sizhui again. "You should speak to him. Go on, little one. I'll be fine here."

Lan Sizhui slowly stands. "I love you," he says again, unsure of what else to say.

"I know," Bofu replies. "And I love you too."

Lan Sizhui looks over at Ning-shushu again, then he slowly starts walking over towards him. He'll go after his a-die and Wei-qianbei, because they need to talk, and then he thinks there are some places he'd like to visit. But he'll come back to the Cloud Recesses in the end, he knows, because that's where his family is.

He looks back at his bofu, slumped and tired on the temple steps, and he promises to come home.


As promised, here are the translations for the familial terms used in this fic:

bofu - 伯父 (bó fù) - father's elder brother
a-die - 阿爹 (ā diē) - father
shuzu - 叔祖 (shū zǔ) - grandfather's younger brother
xiongzhang - 兄长 (xiōng zhǎng) - elder brother
muqin - 母亲 (mǔ qīn) - mother
zumu - 祖母 (zǔ mǔ) - paternal grandmother
qianbei - 前辈 (qián bèi) - senior
zhizi - 侄子 (zhí zi) - brother's son
gege - 哥哥 (gē ge) - technically older brother, but also used for a close older male friend
shushu - 叔叔 (shū shu) - technically father's younger brother, but also used for a man around one's father's age or slightly younger

And then this isn't a familial term, but one last translation:

jiangshi - 僵尸 (jiāng shī) - a type of reanimated corpse in Chinese folklore that feeds on qi (you can find more information on the Wikipedia page)