Notes:
It was really hard getting back into this story after such a long break. At first, when I was trying to finalize the next chapters for this story, I repeatedly came up with ideas for additional scenes for "Back at her side" instead. But I kept forcing myself back again and again and it worked. I have truly arrived back in this one now.
Thanks to Seastar21 for the continous reviews. I hope you like the reunion chapter.
Let's get on with it.
Jorah slowly entered and closed the door behind him. He saw Daenerys standing at the window, looking out. He was reminded of Meereen, when she had decided to stay instead of sailing to Westeros after Joffrey's death. But her posture was different, not proud and determined. Her shoulders were slouched and she seemed smaller than he remembered her.
Daenerys had heard the door open. Only Tyrion was bold enough to come in after only knocking once, or rather at all. "What is it?" When there was no answer she turned around. And what she saw made her take a step back, bumping into the wall that was right behind her. For one moment she thought she had lost her mind. She daydreamed of Jorah now and then, but not today, not in this moment. Him standing there caught her totally unaware.
"It's just me," Jorah said softly.
She almost laughed. "Just you?" He was the one person in all of Westeros and Essos she currently wanted to see. Daenerys had thought she would never see him again. Time seemed to stand still. She was hot and cold at the same time. Freezing and feverish at the same time. If she hadn't been leaning against the wall, she wasn't sure her legs would have kept her upright.
Jorah walked slowly towards her, watching her closely, trying to gauge her mood. He was about to kneel, but she stopped him.
"Don't."
He stood before her, gently taking her hands in his. She gripped them with a strength that defied her size. Jorah decided to be bold. Very slowly, he leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on her temple.
"I can't believe you are really here."
"I am." He gently brushed his thumb over her hand.
Daenerys closed her eyes, feeling his rough skin caressing hers. When she opened them again she saw Jorah looking at her with a mixture of tenderness, curiosity and worry. She wanted to kiss him and was about to take another step towards him. But then she reminded herself that he was married now. The thought physically hurt. She closed her eyes, trying to shove the thought away, willing away the tears that were about to escape from under her eyelids. She barely succeeded.
Jorah leaned towards her and kissed her again, but this time on the lips.
The kiss caught Daenerys by surprise and she didn't know how to react. When Jorah pulled back, he looked at her with kind eyes. How she had missed those eyes. How she had missed him.
Jorah observed her carefully, wondering if he had overstepped his boundaries. Daenerys seemed surprised, but not angry. He was about to apologize, but she embraced him and he knew he hadn't misstepped. Jorah wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. They stood like that for a long time.
Eventually, she looked up at him. There was such profound sadness in her eyes. It made Jorah never want to let go of her again. When he gently stroked her cheek, the sadness was slowly replaced by longing. Her lips parted slightly. He was used to her taking the lead, telling him what she wanted, taking what she wanted. But the woman in front of him was not the Daenerys he had left months ago on Dragonstone. Instead of determined, she seemed unsure. Still, Jorah was as drawn to her as much as ever. He had seen this vulnerable part of her before, a very long time ago. And he had always known that it was still there, just deeply buried. Her empathy and compassion were part of why he loved her. They were the root of that vulnerability. But Jorah hated what it did to her at this moment. Not knowing how else to make it better, he leaned down and kissed her again.
After a short moment of indecision, Daenerys gave into the kiss. The tension was leaving her body. Jorah's lips on hers were warm and soft. A comfortable heat was spreading from them to the rest of her body. Gradually, a part of her that had been long neglected was starting to thaw. The kiss turned passionate quickly. Daenerys' initial hesitation disappeared completely. She returned his kiss with abandon, anchoring herself to his neck with her hands. But her hands didn't stay there for very long. They went around his back to unfasten his cloak. The heavy cloth slipped off Jorah's shoulders, falling to the floor. Next, she started undoing his belt.
He didn't stop her, but broke the kiss. "I travelled all day. Let me get cleaned up first."
"There's water over there," she said and pointed to the jug and basin. Letting go of him, Daenerys went over to the door and locked it. Then she started taking off her own clothes.
Jorah watched as she unfastened her coat and tossed it across a chair. Next was her dress. For a moment, he was dazzled by the sudden urgency, but also by how normal this seemed, as if he hadn't been gone for months. Strangely, now that he was in the same room with her, his longing for her was even stronger than before. He missed her more than he had the last few months.
"Have you changed your mind?" Daenerys asked.
"About what?"
"Washing?"
He realized he had been staring at her. This wasn't quite how Jorah had imagined their reunion. He hadn't come here with the intention of falling straight into bed with her, only minutes after entering her quarters. Admittedly, on the ride to Casterly Rock he had fantasized more than once about what it would be like to get lost in her body again. But he had to assume that their night on Dragonstone had been a one-time-only occurrence. Besides, his main purpose of coming to Casterly Rock was to see if she was alright. They had only exchanged a few words so far, but his gut told him she was far from alright.
Quickly, Jorah undid his clothes and washed in a hurry. By the time he had finished drying off Daenerys was already completely naked and stood by the fire. He walked towards her and embraced her from behind. They were standing too close to the fire for his liking, but her body partly shielded his from the heat. He gently caressed her stomach and then her ribs. He noticed immediately that she had lost weight.
She raised her hands, holding them even closer to the fire.
"Are you cold?"
"Always."
Jorah placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her around. He studied her face. All he saw was sadness.
Daenerys had thrown herself into her duties. First and foremost, a Queen was supposed to be there for her people. And she wanted to make amends for the destruction she had brought to King's Landing. She wanted to prove that she could be a good Queen, a better Queen than Cersei. It was no wonder that people only saw her as the Queen and nothing else. But the person behind the Queen was starting to get lost. She knew she couldn't go on like this much longer. Only Jorah could keep her from falling into the abyss that had opened up all around her. "Make me feel something. Please, Jorah, make me feel something again."
Her words tore at his heart. It was almost unbearable for him to see her like this. To hear such words from her. Jorah lifted her into his arms and she buried her face against his neck. He put her down on the bed and made her get beneath the covers, where he joined her only moments later. He tenderly kissed her fingers and then bent down to kiss her lips.
Her eyes filled with tears. Daenerys closed them and turned her face away, ashamed that Jorah saw her like that.
He stroked her cheek, turning her face back. "Look at me. Please, look at me."
She opened her eyes and only saw love there. Why had she let him go? Was he really here? Or was she dreaming after all? Daenerys reached out to touch his face. She stroked his beard, ran her fingers across his lips. Then she buried her fingers in his hair and pulled him down to her, seeking his mouth.
Jorah molded his lips to hers, leaving neither of them much room to breathe. He wanted her badly. But he reminded himself that Daenerys wasn't quite herself at the moment and that he should be careful and gentle. Jorah made a conscious effort to slow them down. Unhurriedly, he moved his hands over her skin. He wanted her to feel cherished and loved. But to his surprise she wasn't aroused. She had started this. But her body was clearly telling him that this wasn't what she really needed. Her face, her tears, her lack of arousal, they all told him she needed something else. No matter how much he wanted her, he wanted even more to protect her from whatever it was that troubled her.
Daenerys could see his hesitation. "I want you," she assured him. "And I can tell that you want me." Daenerys could plainly feel his desire.
"Of course I want you."
She smiled. "I want this. I just…" She sighed, wrestling with her emotions again. Her feelings were all over the place and she hated it. "I'm just..." Daenerys didn't want to think anymore. "Please, Jorah. I do want this."
Feeling her skin against his, her breasts pressed against his chest, it was a bit difficult to not give in to the urge right there and then. But this wasn't about him. This was solely about her. Jorah kissed her softly, taking his time. "But we take it slow."
Daenerys nodded. She was content to go as slow as he wanted or thought she needed. As long as the result was something akin to their one night on Dragonstone she didn't care what he did. She just wanted him close. She needed to feel that another person truly cared about her.
Jorah put his arms around her and simply held her close. He would have pleasured her with his mouth, if he thought it would make a difference. But the problem wasn't her body, it was her mind. Everything had happened too quickly. Even he was slightly overwhelmed by the events. And he'd had several weeks to get used to the idea of seeing her again. But she'd had no warning. "It's my fault. I should have written that I was coming."
"All that matters is that you are here."
He kissed her tenderly. And for a while it was all they were doing. Eventually, Jorah lightly stroked her arms, then her back, her side, her breast and her bottom.
Daenerys pressed herself closer against his body, wrapping one leg around his hip.
"Patience," Jorah whispered. "Don't force it."
"When have you ever known me to be patient?" she asked with a smile.
He grinned. "Maybe once or twice."
Daenerys hit him playfully and moved on top of him. "Are you trying to insult me?" she challenged him.
"I would never dare insult you, Khaleesi."
Daenerys froze. He hadn't called her that for ages. Qhono and the other Dothraki still used that title, but it wasn't the same. When Jorah said it, it took on a different meaning. He said it with such admiration and devotion that it took her breath away.
"I'm sorry, did I say something wrong?"
She stroked his face. "No. No, you didn't." Daenerys leaned down and kissed him deeply.
From that point on, everything happened on instinct. Their bodies moved together naturally. Everything else disappeared. It was just the two of them. Rediscovering each other. Finding comfort in each other. Receiving pleasure from each other.
Jorah kissed her very gently one more time. Then he lay down on his back and pulled her against his side. He rearranged the furs around them, making sure Daenerys wouldn't get cold. It felt so good to hold her in his arms. For a short moment, it felt like the last few months had been erased.
Daenerys closed her eyes. Feeling his skin against hers was soothing. Feeling his chest rise and fall was reassuring. All thoughts about duty and responsibilities were gone. Suddenly she became very tired. It wasn't even dark yet outside. Jorah's fingers caressing her back weren't helping. But it felt so nice. For the first time in months she felt relaxed and calm.
Jorah could feel her even breathing on his skin. "Daenerys?" he whispered. When she didn't answer, he smiled to himself. This wasn't the first time she had fallen asleep on him. Jorah was tired too, but he was content just lying there with her body pressed close to his. Besides, too many things were going through his head. And they all concerned the woman lying in his arms. After Tyrion's letter had reached him, he had left almost immediately. All the way to Casterly Rock he had worried about her. It seemed Jorah had been right to worry. They would find a way and figure it out together.
The fire was getting smaller and he wanted to put some more wood on it. But Daenerys had wrapped her arms tightly around him. Carefully, he tried to slip out of bed, but she only tightened her hold on him.
"Don't go," she mumbled.
"I just want to put some more wood on the fire."
"Don't leave me," she said, neither fully awake nor asleep.
With a sigh, Jorah relaxed back into the pillows. "I'm not going anywhere. I am staying right here." He made sure the furs were covering her completely and placed a soft kiss on her head. "Why?" he whispered. "Why did you make me leave?"
It didn't take long until Jorah fell asleep as well. The journey from Bear Island had been long, cold and uncomfortable. He slept better than he had in months. But he was woken repeatedly because the woman next to him was sleeping fitfully. Several times he had to pull her close, whispering calming words to her.
Jorah was no stranger to nightmares. He'd fought in many battles, but none had given him such gruesome and lasting nightmares than that one night against the wights. Sometimes he woke up thinking he had been stabbed again. Just thinking of the wights now made his heart beat faster. He took a couple of deep breaths, consciously pushing the memories out of his mind, replacing them with something else. He had gotten fairly good at this over the last few months.
Jorah turned his focus back on Daenerys. She seemed to be sleeping more peacefully again. The fire had gone out. It would be no use trying to light it now. He'd only risk waking her. He closed his eyes to get some more rest.
When Jorah woke, he didn't know how much time had passed. It had become dark outside. Everything was quiet. And he was hungry. He hadn't eaten properly since this morning. He knew he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep without eating something first. Daenerys was still tightly wrapped around his body. As carefully as he could, he moved her sleeping body, hoping she wouldn't wake up. To his own surprise, she didn't even stir. He went to collect his clothes. But in the darkness and the unfamiliar surroundings, he walked right into the table and knocked over the candelabrum. It made a horrendous noise when it hit the ground. Jorah cursed himself.
"Who is there?" came Daenerys' voice from the bed.
"I'm sorry. I knocked it over by accident. I didn't mean to wake you." He went back to the bed, getting back under the covers. It had gotten really cold in the room without a fire.
Daenerys' heart was beating rapidly. Jorah hadn't just woken her, he had scared her. Being woken by such a noise from a deep sleep, she had thought they were being attacked or that there was an intruder in her room.
Jorah realized that he must have given her quite a fright. "Are you alright?" he asked. "I forgot where all the furniture was."
"And you had to knock over the one thing that would make the most noise?" she teased him, trying to hide how much this rude awakening had startled her.
"I am really sorry."
"What were you trying to do anyway?"
"I was looking for my clothes. I wanted to get something to eat." He stroked over her ribs and added carefully, "You haven't been eating properly."
She sighed.
"Daenerys?"
It was no use, he would find out anyway. "On Dragonstone, before my attack on the Red Keep, Varys tried to poison me."
"What?" Anger and rage went through Jorah's body. If Varys hadn't been dead already, he would have killed him without a moment's hesitation. He should have killed him when he'd had the chance. Jorah had never trusted the spider. "Is that why you burned him?"
"No, Tyrion told me afterwards," Daenerys said. "Maybe Varys was right. Maybe I am not fit to rule. What if I do turn mad like my father. I-"
"Stop it. You are not thinking clearly. Which isn't really a surprise. You don't eat properly and you don't sleep properly. That has to change. Right now." He placed a kiss on her forehead. "You stay in bed. I'll get something to eat."
"I'm not hungry."
"But I am after the long ride."
"I'll have something brought for you."
"It's late. I don't want them to make a fuss. I'm sure I can find something edible in the kitchen. I won't be long."
Jorah dressed and left. But his first stop was not the kitchen.
It was late, but Jorah knew that Tyrion often stayed up long into the night. And from the time it took Tyrion to come to the door, it was clear that he hadn't been asleep yet. Jorah pushed past him into the room.
"Why didn't you write to me sooner? And why the hell did you tell her that Varys tried to poison her? After he was already dead?"
"I didn't exactly tell her. But she eventually noticed that we had introduced a food taster."
"It seems she has hardly slept or eaten. Who can function like that?"
From Jorah's state of agitation Tyrion could tell that he was more than worried about Daenerys. "So it's worse than I assumed."
"Worse than you assumed?" Jorah asked angrily. "You are her Hand. How could you not know what is going on? I thought you cared about her." Otherwise Jorah would have never left.
"I do care about her," Tyrion protested. "But she doesn't let anyone come close."
"Did you even try?"
"I did. But… ever since… the Keep..."
"Is everyone here avoiding this topic?" Jorah asked.
"Nobody is keen on getting burnt like Varys."
"Varys wanted to replace her with Jon and tried to poison her."
"You forget that nobody knows what Varys' true motives were. They just know Daenerys had him executed. We never made an announcement why. We just called it treason and let people jump to their own conclusions."
Jorah sat down. His initial anger was disappearing quickly. Yelling at Tyrion was not going to get them anywhere. It had felt good to yell at someone though, but only for a moment. And if Jorah was honest, he was mostly angry at himself. Daenerys had convinced him she would be fine without him. He had been a fool to not see behind the façade.
Tyrion sat down in a chair next to Jorah. "The Queen doesn't talk much these days. I don't know what is going on in her mind."
"Does that really surprise you?" Jorah asked Tyrion, much calmer now.
"I guess not. I betrayed her. I blabbed Jon's secret to Varys. And Varys judged her by what she said."
"She shouldn't be on her own so much."
"Daenerys spends most of her time doing audiences. She has even increased the audience days per week. Initially, there were hardly any people coming, especially not common folk. But she wanted to know what the problems of the poorest were. Therefore, she promised that everyone who came would receive a warm meal. And it turned out that hunger is stronger than fear."
Jorah smiled. That was the Daenerys he knew, not taking no for an answer. "She needs that connection with people."
"Yes. But she is doing audiences for hours and hours, hardly ever taking a break. And it's not very pleasant to hear people complaining endlessly about how there is not enough food or warm clothes or medicine. It's gut-wrenching at times."
Jorah thought back to Meeren. He knew from experience how tedious and depressing audiences could be. "She needs people around her whom she can confide in. People she can trust."
"I tried to find a new handmaiden for her," Tyrion said. "I know that nobody can replace Missandei. I tried anyway. But Daenerys keeps sending them away. At first the girls are intimidated by her. Gradually, they relax and seem to be comfortable here. But then, suddenly and for no particular reason, she sends them away. When I ask her why, she says they were clumsy or incompetent. And when I ask them what happened, they are genuinely surprised, saying they liked working for her. They say she is polite to them and easy to work for."
Jorah was relieved to hear that Tyrion had at least made an effort to help Daenerys. But it didn't seem that he was getting anywhere with it.
"You've known her longer than anybody else," Tyrion said. "What is your advice?"
He sighed. "I don't know yet." Jorah stood up. If he stayed any longer, Daenerys would wonder where he was.
"You must be tired after the long ride. And it's quite late. I had a room prepared for you in the meantime. Your things have been brought there as well. It's just two doors down from hers. She is used to having you close by."
"Thank you."
"I really appreciate that you came."
Jorah nodded and made his way to the door.
"One more thing," Tyrion said.
Jorah stopped and turned around.
"Why did you leave?" Tyrion asked.
"Because my cousin died."
"To save your House. Yes, that's what Daenerys told us. But why did you really leave?" Tyrion asked. "There has to be more to this. There was no warning. You left without saying goodbye to anyone. Not even Grey Worm knew anything about it."
It seemed that Daenerys hadn't told Tyrion the true reason why he had left, that it had been her idea, that she had essentially ordered him to leave. And if she had chosen not to tell her Hand, Jorah would not go against her wishes.
"Did the two of you have a fight?"
Jorah stayed silent.
"Did you ask for more after Jon left?" Tyrion asked carefully, well aware that he was crossing a line. But he had always been good at crossing lines.
"It's none of your business," Jorah said and turned towards the door again.
"It is my business!" Tyrion countered. "Because you left her and-"
"I would have never left if I had known what I know now!"
"So you didn't part on bad terms," Tyrion concluded.
"We didn't," Jorah admitted.
"But you won't tell me what happened."
"It doesn't matter," Jorah replied and left.
"Great. I'm glad we cleared this up," Tyrion said to the empty room with sarcasm. "And how am I supposed to go to sleep now?" He went over to the wine and poured himself a generous amount of the red liquid.
Jorah returned to Daenerys' quarters with some bread, cheese, cold meat and dried fruit. She had restarted the fire and lighted some candles. Discarding his cloak, tunic and boots, Jorah rejoined her on the bed. He held out the plate. "Here, eat something."
She eyed the food skeptically. "I'm not hungry."
"You need to keep up your strength. You can't rule six kingdoms on an empty stomach." He took her hand and placed a soft but lingering kiss on it. "Eat. Please." Jorah was prepared to blackmail her into eating, if he had to.
Hesitantly, Daenerys took a fruit from the plate and started nibbling on it. She didn't feel like eating. But she knew Jorah wouldn't let it go until she ate something.
Jorah leaned back against the pillows and ate some cheese and bread. "That's good cheese," he said. "We don't get cheese like that on Bear Island."
"I assume we won't for much longer either. The recent wars and winter are already taking their toll on food production. And it's only going to get worse."
Jorah nodded. "I've never seen snow so far south before."
Daenerys had finished the fruit and Jorah held out the plate to her. She picked a piece of bread. "What did Tyrion write to you?" she asked.
Jorah didn't answer right away.
"I know his letter to you is the reason you are here."
"Do you?"
"Who else would or could have done it?"
Jorah just chuckled. Indeed, who else would know and who else would have the guts to go behind the Queen's back in such a manner?
"What did he write?"
Jorah held out the plate to her again. "Eat some cheese and meat and I'll tell you."
Daenerys frowned. "Are you blackmailing me?"
"Yes," he confessed without shame.
She watched him for a while. But then she decided it would be easier to just go along. She didn't want to fight with him. It wasn't worth it. Besides, she didn't have the energy. She picked the largest piece of cheese from the plate, throwing him a defiant look. "Now tell me. What did Tyrion write?"
"Not much. Just that he was worried about you."
"What else?"
"Nothing else. It was the shortest message I ever got." That had indeed been all. Tyrion was a clever man. He knew he didn't need to write anything else. By now, Jorah had eaten all of the meat except for one piece. "The last one is yours."
"Worst deal I ever made," Daenerys mumbled, picking up the meat.
Jorah put away the plate. "I would have thrown in something else, if you had asked."
She raised an eyebrow. "Like what?"
"Anything," he replied with a seductive smile.
"I have to keep that in mind."
Jorah watched her eat in silence. When she was finished, he said, "Tyrion told me that you keep sending away your maids. One after the other. Why?"
Daenerys looked at him for a long time, considering if she should tell him the truth. But she was tired of hiding, of pretending. She pretended with everyone else. She didn't want to pretend with Jorah. "I don't want to get too attached to them. Anyone close to me could get hurt, especially if my enemies think they mean anything to me." Like Irri and Ser Barristan. And Missandei. Tears collected in her eyes. "I still have nightmares where I see her fall, where I see Rhaegal fall, where I see Viserion fall, where I see you fall."
Jorah opened his arms and she gladly sought comfort in his embrace.
"I miss her so much. At times I think Grey Worm is blaming me for her death. He assures me he doesn't. But how could he not?"
"He is blaming himself for not having been able to protect her. And you are blaming yourself."
"Of course I am."
"Without you Missandei would still be a slave. She would have never known another life but that of a slave."
"Without me she would be on Naath with Grey Worm. I should have made her go. She had no place to be anywhere near a battle."
"She wouldn't have left without Grey Worm. And Grey Worm wouldn't have left you until the last battle was fought."
"I have offered to release him from my service. But he keeps refusing. He says it's the only purpose left for him in life." Daenerys turned in his arms so she could see his face. "Will you talk to him?"
"And what should I tell him?"
"That there is more to life than serving your Queen. That it's possible to find happiness with someone else."
Jorah remained silent.
"Are you not happy?"
"I am content. And grateful."
"But not happy?"
"My happiness will forever be tied to yours. And you don't strike me as happy at all."
She made herself comfortable against his chest again. "Tell me about your wife."
"Daenerys…" He was going to tell her anyway, but maybe now wasn't the best time. She seemed so fragile.
"Please, tell me. I want to know that I didn't send you away for anyone less than perfect."
Jorah took a deep breath. "Her name is Erena. She lost her husband in the battle between House Stark and House Bolton at Winterfell. She had a young son but he died a few years back from an illness."
"So much death."
"She is a strong woman. She has persevered. Just like someone else I know."
"Is she beautiful?"
"She is pretty," Jorah admitted. "She has dark hair. That was my only condition, no blond or silver hair."
"What did you tell her why you came here?"
"The truth."
"What?" Daenerys turned in his arms so she could see his face.
"She has known from the beginning. I told her before we married. I told her I loved someone else. I promised her a home and safety. And children, if it was in our future. She agreed. And she has become a dear friend. Lynesse came to Bear Island with wrong expectations. I was not going to do that to anyone else. Erena knew the only reason for my marriage was to keep House Mormont alive."
Daenerys was silent for a while, processing what Jorah had just told her. "Does she know whom you…?"
"Yes. I told her I would have never left your side, if Lyanna hadn't died. I couldn't promise her my love, just honesty." And Jorah didn't want to live a lie. "Do you disapprove of me telling her?"
"No." Daenerys lay back down against his chest. "I am just a bit surprised."
"Why? Did you think I would just leave and forget you?"
There it was again, that intensity, the blatant, unapologetic devotion. It caught her off-guard. Daenerys wasn't used to it anymore. And he was bolder than before he had left. Jorah had told her he would always love her. And despite the fact that she had sent him away, he had adhered to that promise. She should have known. She should have had more trust in him. But she didn't even trust herself at the moment. "I… I…"
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. It was a rhetorical question." He placed a soft kiss on her hair.
"No, it wasn't."
"Still, you don't have to answer."
"I hoped… I wished… that you wouldn't. But I wanted you to live your life."
"And now?" he asked cautiously.
Daenerys tightened her hold around his body. "Don't ask me that," she whispered. "At least not right now."
