Nearly a year had passed since Alex's miscarriage, but the memory of it was still so vivid for her. She took a week off of work and, in that time, she refused to get out of bed except to shower and occasionally cuddle with Olivia on the couch. While on the couch, they'd watch a movie, but Alex couldn't focus on the plot, so Olivia would tell her stories about the memories they've made together to get her to smile and focus on the good times they've had, but all she was able to do was feign a smile. She hadn't been that far along-around six weeks-but those six weeks were the happiest she had ever been. She and Olivia had started picking out names, although they didn't know if they were having a boy or a girl. A total of two years of research, planning, and then eventually fertility treatments had gone into her first pregnancy only for it to end in heartbreak.
Alex felt as if she had failed herself and failed their baby, but most importantly she felt as if she had failed Olivia. Alex knew her wife was at a loss for words when she first found out and that she didn't want to tell Alex that miscarriage wasn't uncommon out of fear of making Alex feel as if she was dismissing what she was going through. Instead, Olivia was attentive-incredibly attentive-and Alex found so much comfort in being wrapped in Olivia's strong arms. If her wife could get her through that dark time in her life, she could get her through anything, even their second attempt at bringing Baby Benson into the world.
Unlike their previous attempt, this time they did the insemination at home in their bed, despite the fact that it led to the occasional joke from Olivia about how she was going to 'knock her up,' but for every time she joked about it, there were twice as many times that she held her close and reassured her that, whether or not this worked, she would always love and cherish her.
In Olivia, she had found her soulmate and her best friend, and there wasn't a doubt in her mind that Olivia would stick by her side no matter what, but it was because of her love for Olivia that she wanted their twosome to become a family of three. There was so much love between the two of them and Alex knew there'd be so much love to give their little one.
Alex's cycle was never irregular. She could time it to the point where she knew exactly what days she shouldn't wear light-colored clothing and, for her period to be two days late, she knew it could only mean one thing-this October they'd be holding Baby Benson.
It would have been impossible to hide a pregnancy test from Olivia in their tiny apartment, so Alex decided to take the test at her best friend Serena's apartment. Before they had even done the insemination, Alex purchased a home pregnancy test and left it at Serena's place. She also jumped the gun and made a gift to give Olivia as part of her pregnancy reveal. Inside the gift box was a newborn-sized blue and black crocheted cap and a toy badge. Once she knew what month she'd be giving birth to their baby, she had planned on including a little announcement that read 'Every hero needs backup. Your new partner is arriving October 2019' Alex was aware of how saccharine that sounded, but they only planned on having one child and she wanted to take advantage of every opportunity she got to be a Pinterest mom.
When she arrived at Abbie and Serena's apartment, she was greeted with a hug from her best friend and a sloppy kiss on the cheek from Abbie and Serena's eighteen-month-old daughter, Chloe. Chloe Carmichael was a miniature version of Serena as was evident by her blonde hair and big blue eyes. When Serena handed Chloe to her, Alex's heart melted when Chloe rested her head on her shoulder. She smelled like Aveeno baby wash and baby shampoo and, although Chloe was now at the age where she got her hands on everything she could possibly find, Alex couldn't wait to experience the kind of life and Abbie and Serena had. Most importantly, she couldn't wait to see her wife using tools and different gadgets to baby proof their apartment. She knew Olivia would go overboard and it'd probably take ten minutes just to open a cabinet, but the thought of Olivia baby proofing their apartment and excitedly showing her everything she was working on while Alex sat on the couch with their baby in her arms was so overwhelming for Alex that she had to try not to cry in front of Serena.
"Are you ready?" Serena asked, bringing Alex back to reality.
Alex kissed Chloe's cheek, which elicited a giggle from the little girl. "Ready for Liv and me to have a little one like her? Yes. Ready to have my heart broken? I can't even fathom going through that again."
Serena escorted her to the kitchen where she had herbal tea waiting for them in the personalized teapot that Alex had bought her for her last birthday. All of their heavy conversations had taken place while drinking wine or tea, but with Alex there to take a pregnancy test, Serena knew it had to be the latter.
"Your doctor said you're healthy and there's no reason why you can't get pregnant again," Serena reminded her as she poured tea into both of their cups. "Even if this test is negative, you and Olivia can try again next time you're ovulating and based on what you told me about the toy Olivia used to possibly conceive this baby, I know you wouldn't mind trying again if it came down to that."
"Serena!" Alex blushed. Although Chloe wasn't old enough to understand what her mom said, Alex's first instinct was to hold Chloe close and cover one of her ears. "Not in front of the baby."
"Alex, she doesn't understand innuendo." Serena got up from her chair and went over to Alex so she could grab her daughter. "Come on, Chloe. Let's put you in your playpen so mommy can find out if Auntie Alex is currently making your future best friend."
Alex gingerly sipped her tea as she watched Serena's interactions with her little girl. She had known Serena since law school and, although she had always been kind and compassionate, Chloe brought out the nurturing side of her that she never knew she had. 'Having her made me a better version of myself' Serena once told Alex.
With her little girl securely in her playpen, Serena joined Alex at the kitchen table. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I expected that mug to be empty. You have to pee on a stick, Alex. Your bladder needs to be full and ready to go."
The two of them made small talk for a few minutes, knowing that Alex was just trying to delay the test as long as she could. Ignorance was bliss as far as Alex was concerned and she was still filled with hope that she was pregnant with their baby-to-be. A negative test would crush that for her, but once she felt the tea Serena served her and the water she had before leaving home take their effect on her bladder, she knew she couldn't delay it any longer.
She knew the two minutes between the time she took the test and the time she got her results would be the longest of her life, so she asked Serena to wait in the bathroom with her. Once she finished taking the test she covered the tip with the plastic cap and placed it on the bathroom countertop. She took a deep breath and exhaled before opening the door for Serena to come in.
It had been years since she had cried in front of anyone that wasn't her wife, but while waiting for her results, Alex couldn't hold her tears in any longer.
"It's okay, sweetheart," Serena said as she held her. "No matter what the results are, you're still Mrs. Alexandra Benson. You're still going to be surrounded by so much love in your life and you have a wife that practically worships you. That's not going to change. This isn't your last chance either, Lex. You're only thirty-four. There's still time."
It was the first time she had heard the words 'you're only 34' in reference to her biological clock. Her mother had made her feel as if time was running out. The perky 25-year-old stay at home moms in Lululemon leggings and jogging strollers she saw in Central Park especially made her feel as if time was running out, but when Serena told her she was still young, she believed her. No matter what, there was still time and she'd always have her friends, family, and her Liv.
When the alarm went off on her phone, letting her know that two minutes had passed, Alex kept her eyes shut as she stood in front of the countertop, too nervous to look at the results. She tried to mentally prepare herself for whatever outcome awaited her. Instead of looking at the test when she opened her eyes, she looked at the wallpaper on her phone-a picture of her wife on their wedding day. Regardless of how much her mom had always wanted to see her daughter get married in a beautiful white dress, Olivia was adamant about wearing something that made her feel like her true self. "It's my wedding day, too," she told her mom and after weeks of back and forth between the two of them, Serena Benson surprised her daughter by taking her to a tailor so she could get pants and a vest custom made for her. Olivia was in black pants with white pinstripes and a matching vest. She had also opted for a white three quarter-sleeved button-up shirt and a red tie. Alex didn't know whether she should call her beautiful or handsome. All she did know is when she saw Olivia at the altar with her newly cropped hair, her heart skipped a beat. All eyes were on Alex as she walked down the aisle in a designer wedding dress that her parents paid for, but while everyone was looking at her, she was focused solely on Olivia. She was Alexandra Cabot, holding on to her dad's arm in the final moments that she'd have his name before he gave her to Olivia and she'd become Olivia's wife and Mrs. Alexandra Benson.
A notification appeared on her phone, bringing Alex back to the present. It was a text message from Olivia, telling her that she loved her. "I love you, too." Alex responded.
Please let Baby Benson be growing inside of me right now, she thought as she finally worked up the nerve to look at the pregnancy test. On the indicator was a pink plus sign staring back at her and Alex couldn't stop the tears from flowing.
"I'm pregnant," she told Serena, still unable to stop the tears. "I'm going to have a baby-Liv and I are going to be mommies."
It was 7 p.m. when Alex arrived at their apartment and she was surprised to see her wife on the couch, scrolling through her phone.
"I thought you were going out for drinks with Elliot," Alex remarked.
"I could either sit at a bar and look at him or I could sit at our kitchen table and look at you," Olivia responded. She got up from the couch so she could properly greet her wife. "It's family night at the Stabler house so he had to get home. Besides, I'd much rather look at my beautiful wife."
When Olivia hugged her, Alex felt the softness and familiarity of Olivia's old New York Mets hoodie. She had bought it in 2015 when the Mets won the pennant. They weren't able to attend that game, but they watched it from the couch in the very first apartment that they had lived in together when they got engaged. Olivia was freshly showered and Alex took in the scent of Dove Men's body wash and the Dior Sauvage cologne that she had bought Olivia during a Sephora shopping trip.
"Why didn't you call me?" Alex asked her wife in between kisses. "I would have come home earlier."
"I figured you wanted some time with your best friend. You staying out gave me plenty of time to make you dinner." Olivia grabbed Alex's hand and led her to the kitchen. "There's chicken piccata and I chilled that bottle of Pinot Grigio that we were supposed to drink on New Year's Eve."
When Olivia was standing in front of the stove re-heating their dinner, Alex wrapped her arms around her wife's waist from behind. "You mean the bottle of wine that we decided not to drink because we were in a sex-fueled haze that night and couldn't get out of bed?"
"That'd be the one."
"This looks delicious," Alex commented, feeling grateful that at least one of them in this marriage knew how to cook.
Olivia turned around to kiss her. "Like you." One kiss turned into another and then another until Olivia slowly pulled away. "I better stop before this leads to something else and I pull an Alex."
"Pull an Alex?" she asked with a confused look on her face.
"You know...pull an Alex as in burn our dinner and set the smoke alarms off in the apartment."
"That happened once, Olivia."
"Once was enough," Olivia teased. "Sit down and I'll serve you."
"Thanks," Alex responded. She pulled out her phone and started to close out of the baby-planning apps that she had already downloaded. "Babe, I think I'll pass on the wine tonight."
"Alexandra Benson is not drinking wine tonight?" Olivia feigned a shocked expression on her face. "Are you feeling okay?"
"I'm fine," Alex smiled at her. "Remember my New Year's resolution to get healthier, which means no drinking unless it's a special occasion?" She had made no such resolution. It was the first time she had ever lied to Olivia and she had a feeling her detective wife wasn't going to accept that answer so easily.
Olivia set their plates down on the table and poured a glass of wine for herself and some iced tea for Alex. "There's something else I wanted to ask you." Olivia looked down at her plate and pushed her food around with her fork, which made Alex nervous about what questions were to come.
"What's on your mind?"
"You're out of tampons," Olivia began. "You ran out last month on the very last day of your period and you used a couple of mine, but you still haven't bought any of yours or used any of mine. Also, we had sex last night and showered together this morning so I know you're not on your period. Your cycle is like clockwork, Alex, and now you're not drinking anything?"
Alex put a forkful of her dinner in her mouth, hoping the time she spent chewing would allow her to come up with something to tell Olivia. "I've been jogging more and changes in exercise routines can throw off your cycle, so can stress."
Olivia reached across the table to hold her hand. Alex could see the love in her wife's eyes and, as happy as she was about Baby Benson growing inside of her, she wished more than anything that she could share her happiness with her wife.
"Alex?"
"Yes, Liv?"
"With everything that you-that we both-went through, I'm not going to pry anymore. If you're pregnant, I know you'll tell me when the time is right for you."
As soon as her wife started eating again and she was certain that she wasn't looking at her, Alex started to smile. The downside of marrying a detective. I can never hide anything from her.
When they were in bed that night, Olivia fell asleep with her hand on Alex's lower abdomen as if she knew their baby was already there. Alex placed her hand on top of her wife's and it filled her with happiness to think that Olivia would be in this position with her every night for the next nine months. Both of your mommies love you already, Baby Benson, and we can't wait to meet you.
