Chapter 1 - Zero

-Zoro-

Hawk Eyes kept speaking, talking a blue streak, a true flood of words.

He talked about Rishou Eizen, about concealed conversations, about binding treaties, about impending wars, about Lady Loreen, and about him.

Zoro let him talk, didn't bother stopping him.

Slowly, he walked behind the relentlessly babbling Shichibukai, followed him through the side streets of the small village, so that they wouldn't have to cross the always bustling marketplace Sasaki's.

His gaze was stubbornly fixed at his swords, which the other one had thrown over his back. There they hung right next to the Black Sword, Kitetsu mocking, Shuusui calm, and Wado-Ichi-Monji worried.

He was not even allowed to wear his own swords, too big of a risk that anyone could see the connection between Lady Loreen and Roronoa Zoro.

By the early evening, they had finally reached the island, had lasted the long, uncomfortable journey, while Hawk Eyes had been talking all the time.

Even now he spoke, with his irritating, deep voice. Zoro had never heard him talk so much, but although he was incredibly annoyed, he lacked both, energy and will, to silence the other one.

It was easier to let the other one keep babbling, this way at least Zoro didn't have to talk himself, and that was the one thing he wanted even less than having to listen to the other's non-stopping monologue.

All he really wanted was some heavy liquor to numb his senses, to dull his pain, to fill the silent emptiness. All he wanted was to get wasted to the point of unconsciousness, so that his numb mind would stop thinking.

But Mihawk was still talking, his words a touch faster than usually, his choice of words a little more reckless than usually, but Zoro decided to ignore that. He knew the other one - better than both would admit - better than he should after only a month. It would be easy for him to analyze the feelings of the Shichibukai, but he didn't want to do that, not right now, when he felt so numb himself.

It was strange in this female figure, at first Zoro hadn't been able to stop these cursed tears. Now they had finally faded and almost at the same time his feelings had failed their service, had retreated into the back of this small body, and had left him alone. But instead of desired rationality and calmness, there was only numbness and emptiness.

"Are you listening to me at all?" The other turned halfway to him as they reached the edge of the village, raising an eyebrow and slightly puffing his thin lips.

Zoro nodded only half-heartedly, although he hardly gave the other one his attention.

Hawk Eyes sighed softly: "It is important that we come up with something concerning Eizen, Roronoa. You have to be cautious now, after all..."

"I don't care about the guy." Zoro's otherwise soft, gentle voice was rough as sandpaper, scratching his throat. It was the first time he had spoken since accepting the invitation of the other to accompany him to Mary Joa.

What else should he do? After all, he couldn't go back, not yet.

"What are you talking about? Eizen is very influential and no one to declare as an enemy on a whim. I thought the problem would have died with Lady Loreen, but how things are now..."

"I don't care," he repeated, ending the discussion.

He didn't want to think about any politician now, not about negotiations, and certainly not about Lady Loreen, not about Loreen at all.

„Roronoa!" Hawk Eyes had stopped and turned to him, his hard gaze relentlessly directed at Zoro, even in the shadow of the forest these eyes captured every light and shimmered in cold gold. "Stop pitying yourself."

"What do you want? Leave me alone."

He tried to pass the other, but the other one grabbed his wrist and of course Zoro couldn't free himself. How he cursed his weakness!

"Get yourself together, Roronoa, it was your decision, and no one forced you to. If it was a mistake, tell me. I can still take you to the Sabaody Archipelago today."

"No!"

"Then stop bathing in self-pity. What has happened has happened. Times are too dangerous to be overwhelmed by feelings. It is also very rude to pretend that my company is the worst thing that has ever happened to you just because you miss your crew."

Angry, he looked at the Shichibukai.

"Don't give me any speeches! You're just glad I've decided to stay with you!"

The hawk eyes grew big and the other let go of him.

Zoro turned around and continued to chase along the tiny path. He hadn't planned to say that. It simply had burst out of him.

After a moment, the dark voice of the Shichibukai echoed behind him.

"Did you even make a decision?" The other one had no problems catching up with him. "Did you even choose anything here? Did you choose me over your crew?"

Zoro ignored him and just kept going.

"Or are you not simply here because it was easier for you than to tell them the truth?!"

No! He had left so that he could become a man again! Just for this reason! That was the only reason he had left! Because he was too weak as a woman! Because he was too weak as Loreen!

There was no other reason! Because he had left, he would soon be able to transform himself back, he was sure.

The Dracule family's threatening mansion appeared in front of him.

The other one was wrong!

"You have no idea what you're talking about," Zoro roared, throwing the little gate to the front yard open.

"Of course not," Hawk Eyes growled and walked past him, obviously losing his otherwise always present calmness and composure, "leaving your own crew behind. Pushing away your own friends. Bowing to overpowering rules. Of course, I have no idea about that."

Zoro stopped while the older one opened the door.

He knew Mihawk's past, at least part of it. He knew that Mihawk had given up his freedom to free some of his crew, that Mihawk had disbanded his crew to save them, to spare them the chains of the Marines.

"Your Lordship, you are back?" The housekeeper's voice shattered the tense air as Kanan appeared in the hallway. "But, but my child, you're back."

Zoro really didn't want to explain anything to anyone right now.

"Looks like it," he grumbled, squeezing his way past her.

"But Honey..."

"Kanan," she was immediately interrupted by Hawk Eyes as Zoro rushed to the stairs, "please pack everything our guest will need for a trip to Mary Joa. In the meantime, I will take care of the formalities."

Zoro swirled around.

The cool eyes of the Shichibukai glared at him, the housekeeper looked back and forth between them, probably aware that something was going on.

"As you wish, Sir," she muttered.

But Mihawk continued to stare at Zoro.

"Go change now, Roronoa."

He acted like nothing had happened, as if nothing had changed in his plan, but his eyes revealed how angry he was.

If Zoro himself weren't so angry, he might would have thought about having to pay attention to his choice of words, because he knew how sensitive the Shichibukai was if it came him.

But honestly, he just didn't care.

Yes, he had decided, yes, he had decided not to go with his crew, but not because it was the easier way, not because he wanted to stay here – because he certainly didn't want that – but only to become a man again.

So why did this idiot have to accuse him of such a thing?

"You are no one to boss me around!"

With these words he stomped up the steps, the disapproving snorting of the elder behind him, who, however, did not follow him.

Now Zoro was back here again, on Sasaki, in this life.

With a kick, he closed the door to the guestroom behind him, dropped the small bag with his belongings to the ground next to it. Careful he took Josei off his belt and pulled it out of its saya. He hadn't had time to clean it after the fight and he really should do that now. Such a sword deserved sensible care.

He would also like to take care of his own swords, but the Shichibukai had taken them with him and Zoro would certainly not go back to him right now and stare at this annoying idiot.

He pulled the cleaning kit, the Shichibukai had given him, out of his small bag and dropped down on the bed.

Zoro knew he was wronging the other, but he didn't care.

He wanted to be angry, wanted to be hurt, and he wanted to blame someone. He wanted to blame someone for his crew members not recognizing him, for him not telling them the truth, for him being trapped in that weak body.

Angry, he stared at the sword in his hand.

Mihawk was right. He shouldn't indulge in useless emotion. No matter why he had not returned to the others, he was here now, back on Sasaki. He couldn't turn back time. In addition, all of this might really help him to get his actual body back.

He had to get stronger, strong enough to no longer having to be protected by anyone and he was most likely to reach that under the strict eyes of Hawk Eyes.

Heavily sighing, he put the used rice paper aside and took the powder tassel in his hand.

He hadn't imagined it that way. He could still see the cook in front of him, staring at him. Zoro shook his head.

If all went well, he would probably need only a few weeks, oh what, maybe only a few days. After all, he had learned a lot during the last month. If he were to finally transform himself and would use what he had learned during the last month in his original body, then no one would be able to match him.

Once again, he exchanged powder tassel for rice paper and carefully drew along the blade, looking for any possible scratches, but finding nothing. This sword had always been well treated.

From the bed he looked over to the small dresser on which a small mirror stood, once there had been a large mirror in this room, but he had destroyed it.

No, Zoro knew that was not true.

Yes, they were good, Luffy, he, the others, but if he was honest, he had already known the truth a month ago, maybe even longer.

They had been captured, they had all been captured. Their three strongest fighters, he, the cook, and their captain, had been crushed. The cook had hardly been able to do anything at all, had been knocked out with one stroke. Luffy had fought Hakkai, the head of the G-6 Marine base, and had been so badly injured afterwards that he had been unconscious for days.

And Zoro himself, well, he had fought against the Marine's best swordsman, Homura, and had been innocuously inferior to him. In the end, he had even died from those wounds...

No, if Zoro was really honest, he was not sure at all if they could survive the New World as strong as they were now. He remembered Mihawk's words when he had told him that a swordsman without Haki would not last on the other side of the Red Line.

But if even he as one of the stronger crewmembers wouldn't make it, then it looked even worse for the others.

Slowly he put Josei back in its sheath and put the other stuff away. The inspecting look, he usually used for each of his sword after cleaning them, was unusually short this time.

Again, he watched his reflection and got up.

He tried to understand what his confused thoughts were trying to tell him. But this was just madness. It was just this body stopping him. Only this weak body, which had made his crew members look at him so unfamiliar, so strangely.

Precisely for this reason, only for this reason he was here again, only to become himself again.

If he were to transform now, if he were to become Zoro again right now, he could still travel to the Sabaody Archipelago today and join them again. He just had to find enough strength, that was all that the second step, the transformation itself, needed, wasn't it?

He tensed up, tried to gather strength, as if he were getting ready for a big attack. Tried to imagine how he became himself again.

But nothing happened. When he looked up, he was still looking at these huge, childlike eyes in the mirror.

"Damn it!" He hit the dresser, which groaned but nothing else under his little fists. The mirror trembled menacingly.

He didn't get rid of those stares, heard the voices of his friends praising him, no, praising Lady Loreen. He would never be able to tell them the truth, they were never allowed to find out that he was Lady Loreen.

"Damn it!"

He had decided to take this step, so why did he feel so miserable now? Why did it feel so wrong?

"Damn it!"

Why did he have these doubts? Why did he think that even in his real body he would still be too weak?

"Damn it!"

Why was he so unspeakably angry? So mad at the others, at Mihawk, at himself?
Why did he struggle so much with his decision? Why was it so difficult for him to see what he had known a long time ago?

"Fucking damn it!"

"What are you doing?"

He jumped around. Hawk Eyes stood in the door frame and looked down at him, a confused but also slightly annoyed expression on his face.

Zoro looked away.

"Have you taken care of whatever you needed to?" He asked instead of answering.

"It is difficult to have a conversation when a child is raging in the opposite room."

Ashamed, he turned away without replying.

"You still look like an assassin," Mihawk continued the conversation, nodding at Zoro's black clothes. He sounded calm like always, but there was still a slight tension. "You should change and come to my office afterwards. We still have a lot to talk about."

With this, the other turned around to go, despite his calm tone it was obvious that their argument had not passed him without a trace.

"I didn't care," Zoro finally admitted.

"Excuse me?" Mihawk turned to him again, but Zoro still looked away.

"I didn't care if I was going to turn back or not. That's not why I didn't go with them."

For a moment it was quiet. Zoro didn't know why he had even talked just now.

"So why did you?"

He didn't know what to answer, so it stayed silent for minutes without any of them speaking, eventually he lowered his head.

"I'm sorry for what I said on our way back. I was angry and I ignored my position in our agreement."

Again, simple silence.

"Your position?"

He said nothing but waited.

The elder snorted softly: "Really, Roronoa. Sometimes you are like a riddle wrapped up in an enigma for me. I do not understand you and do not understand neither your motives nor your intentions."

Surprised, Zoro looked up. He didn't feel like he was a big secret. Perhaps it was simply because he himself was not able to grasp what was going on within him.

"Are you apologizing because you really regret your behavior or because you are afraid that I might throw you out and you would have nowhere else to go?"

The other still sounded extremely admonishing. Zoro dared to meet his eyes.

"You wouldn't throw me out," he finally said after a few seconds.

"Oh, I would not?" Mihawk raised an eyebrow.

"No." Zoro folded his arms. "Kanan would kill you."

The other man tilted his head in disbelief and said nothing at all, but only slightly shook his head.

"So why, Roronoa?" Mihawk asked again, folding his arms as well. "Why did you go with me when it was not for becoming a man once again?"

This time he looked at the other one directly. Even before Zoro knew what to say, he answered: "Because you were right. Because I finally understand it."

The other nodded slowly.

"And because you see me."

He was aware that this statement confused the other, Mihawk put his head slightly to one side and narrowed his eyes.

"Because I see you?"

Zoro nodded. It was the honest answer, the whole truth. He had finally understood it.

"What do you mean with that?"

He did not respond but looked away.

"That means you have decided?" These yellow eyes looked at him pervasively. "Not for your body, but against your crew and for me?"

"No!" He replied irately. "I have decided to become stronger before I will return to them. That has nothing to do with my body or with you. Nothing to do with you at all!"

In spite of his biting comment, the other one didn't look nearly as unapproachable as he had just a few seconds ago.

Mihawk nodded again. "And still..." He walked to the door. "Despite this, you stayed because I can see you. Whatever you mean by that."

Quietly, the door closed. A stunned Zoro was left behind. Dismayed by his own words, by what has just happened, and stunned by the Shichibukai.

Slowly, the anger ebbed within him.

He had made up his mind.

No one was to blame, no one could blame the situation, but he had decided and now he was back at the beginning.

Now he had to deal with it

Shaking his head, he began to get dressed.


So this is the first real chapter, a little start before we really get into it. I hope you enjoyed it so far, although not that much has happened (yet)

But before we reach Mary Joa I have a question for you guys. I was told that Friday is an inconvienient day for some readers to upload my fic and I was also asked if I might be able to update twice a week.

I have given this a long thought, and although I cannot promise anything, I might be able to do so, but because of my real life schedule I can either update Friday or Thursday and/or Sunday, so please let me know what you, the reader, prefers, because if I'm already sharing my work, I want to make sure you actually have the time to enjoy it ;-)

Depending on your answers I will decide by next week if I keep updating by old schedule or change to another one.

Thank you all for reading ;-)