Hello everybody,

to all of you, who celebrated, I hope you had some wonderful days (and to all of you, who didn't celebrate, I hope you had some wonderful days as well^^)

I do come bearing a little gift, which I hope you will enjoy as the last chapter of this year, it does has some little surprise (maybe, for some of you probably not). All left for me to do is to thank you all for spending this crazy year with this little story about our two favorite swordsmen and taking so much time writing me those wonderful reviews; I am extremely grateful for your words!

Well, see you next year and I wish you all the best ;-)


Chapter 48 - Truth

-Mihawk-

He hurried along the plain corridor, only now noticing that he was still wearing his wet and wrinkled shirt, but he could not go back to change it now. Angry, he knocked at the last door of the aisle; when there was no reaction, he knocked louder.

"Yeah, I'm coming," it sounded from the other side. "Oh, my goodness, it's already... Mihawk?"

The door was opened by none other than Homura Nataku.

"What do you want here?"

"Is Jiroushin still here or has he already left the headquarters?"

Apparently confused, the soldier looked at him.

"How am I supposed to know? What do you want here, Mihawk? It's already late and I have to leave."

Without even listening to the other, Mihawk pushed him aside and entered the simple room.

"I was told that Jiroushin had an appointment with you before he would leave, but his room was deserted and he is not here, so I ask you, where is he?"

"Yes, just come in, make yourself comfortable," Nataku replied sarcastically. "No idea, Mihawk. It was not an official appointment, he just wanted to tell me personally that he and his wife are expecting, and he wanted to discuss some organizational things with me. He was here for maybe ten minutes. He's been gone for over half an hour..."

"Is he still in the headquarters?" Mihawk roughly interrupted the other. He had no interest in Nataku's private life.

Suddenly, the older man looked at him suspiciously.

"Did something happen?"

"Nothing that would affect you in any way. Now call the station and ask if Jiroushin has left."

"You are not my superior. You can call them yourself."

Snorting, Mihawk walked past the other, reached for his room transponder snail and dialed a short, internal phone number. Luckily, it turned out that Jiroushin was apparently just about to board, so Mihawk let him be sent to Nataku's room.

"You are really good for nothing," he said dismissively as he hung up. "I could have done this from my chambers."

"Why didn't you do it?" Nataku replied, no less annoyed. "Why are you in my room at all? Didn't you throw me out this afternoon saying we're no allies and now you want my help?"

"Oh, do not be ridiculous," Mihawk waved it off, "I am looking for Jiroushin. I have no interest in you."

"And why are you in my room and don't just let me... has anything happened to Lady Loreen? What did you do?"

Once again, Mihawk waved off the other's questions.

"This is not about you and your worries, Nataku. So, could you kindly keep your mouth shut? Your voice alone causes headaches."

The older man walked to the door and ripped it wide open, pale in his anger.

"Leave, Mihawk, I still have appointments and no patience for your rude behavior."

"Nataku?" It came from the aisle, accompanied by hurried steps. "What's going on? I was called as my ship was about to leave and was sent here? Did something happen? What do you want?"

"I don't want anything," Nataku said roughly, stepping out into the hallway, "and I didn't let you be sent over either. This was none other than your favorite Shichibukai."

"Mihwak?"

Right on cue Mihawk stepped out of Nataku's room.

"I need to talk to you, Jiroushin. I thought you were still with Nataku."

"No, I was already on my way home, to my pregnant wife," his best friend disagreed slightly impatient.

"Well, fortunately I was able to stop you. We need to talk."

"Do what you want," Nataku commented, pulling the door close behind him, "I've got to go now."

"One moment, Nataku," Mihawk wanted to stop the other – how dare he was denying his room to Mihawk – when suddenly the door of the neighbor's room opened.

"Nataku, are you ready? I thought I had heard you... son?"

"Fantastic," Mihawk grumbled, rolling his eyes as no one else joined them but his father.

"What is this about?" Gat asked attentively.

"Nothing, that would affect you," Mihawk declined his interest directly, and turned for Nataku again. "Now stop making such a fuss and let Jiroushin and me into your room."

"I don't think so," contradicted the Marine, "take your chambers, leave me alone."

"This is not an option. We need to be able to talk undisturbed."

"And who would want to disturb you voluntarily?"

"Mihawk?" Jiroushin interrupted their quarrel. "Does all this here have something to do with... Lady Loreen? Is that the reason you don't want to talk in your rooms?"

Mihawk nodded disapprovingly.

"Well," Nataku said. "What happened?""

"Nothing has happened," Mihawk replied crudely, "I just need to be able to talk to Jiroushin without anyone being able to disturb or listen uninvited."

"You can take my room," Gat offered, "Nataku and I have to go one way or the other now."

Unimpressed, Mihawk met his father.

"Do not look at me like that, my son. You know my room is safe. After all, I was the one who taught you how to track down unwanted listeners and protect yourself from such."

"Thank you, your Lordship." Jiroushin bowed swiftly. "That's very kind of you."

"No, it is fine," the old man smiled politely and stepped aside to allow them to enter, "and I told you numerous times, I am no Lord anymore, the title belongs to my son."

"This does not change anything at all," Mihawk clarified when he passed his father, "do not think that this means anything to me, and if you have the audacity to approach my protégé again, you will regret it."

His father tilted his head slightly.

"I knew it would enrage you, my son. But to put it in Lady Loreen's words. You are neither her lord nor her master, and she is not dependent on your endorsement or even your permission."

Did Roronoa actually say that?! Of course, it suited the youngster to express his thoughts so directly and the choice of words probably also suited Lady Loreen.

"That might be true," Mihawk admitted, "but that does not change the fact that I am going to execute you or your faithful hound dog behind you if you come too close to my companion once more."

Then he turned around and rushed into his father's room.

"As polite as always," Jiroushin remarked behind him, closing the door with a quiet click. "Could you at least stop threatening your own flesh and blood with death?"

"Oh, Jiroushin, this man is absolutely irrelevant. We have more important things to discuss."

"And what?" The blond behind him asked. "What is so important that you stop the departure of an entire fleet just to talk to me? And why this fuss? Why not your room?"

Mihawk stared at the bare wall in front of him. This room was a disgrace for a Dracule – even if it was only his father – no more than the room of some soldier, without any appreciation.

"Hawky?"

He knew exactly why he had called Jiroushin, but if he said it now, there would be no going back. If Mihawk were to admit it now, it would become truth.

"Now speak or I'll go." Jiroushin was unusually impatient.

Sighing, Mihawk rubbed over his face with one hand and then looked up to the ceiling as if he were looking for answers, but only a hideously simple lamp greeted him.

"I cannot say it," he finally whispered, aware of his shame, "if I say it, everything will change, and we both know how much I detest changes."

The soldier behind his back groaned before the clacking of boots revealed to Mihawk that the other had started pacing through the room.

"Hawky, I don't know what's going on, but because of you the port of the headquarters is standing still; just because you wanted to talk to me in person. I don't care what you detest or not, I didn't ask to be involved in your and Zoro's arguments... Wait a sec... It's about him you said, and that he shouldn't be listening or bursting into that conversation by accident. Mihawk, does this mean..."

"Don't say it!" Warningly, he raised his index finger to the other. "Do not dare to say it, Jiroushin."

His best friend since childhood stopped pacing and shook his head slightly, a gentle smile on his lips.

"But Hawky, just because you don't say it, don't want to see it, want to deny it, none of this makes it any less true. You don't want things to change, but the truth is, they already have, and you can't stop that. But if you say it, we can embrace change."

Oh, for heaven's sake! He had forgotten how smart and sensitive Jiroushin could be. Why did he have a friend who was so good at things for which Mihawk obviously had no talent.

"I know!" Loudly groaning, Mihawk let himself fall on the terribly uncomfortable bed and rubbed his face again, allowing himself to disappear for a second in the darkness of his closed eyes, knowing that he could not escape.

"Well," he muttered, resting both elbows on his knees, letting his folded hands slide down so that they only covered nose and mouth. For a moment, he looked up to Jiroushin before staring at the ugly table in front of him. "Well, it is probably pointless to run away from the truth like a coward."

The blond did not respond.

Once again, Mihawk took a deep breath.

"You were right," he then quietly admitted, noting how it hurt him, "you were right from the beginning."

Almost trembling he took another breath, before finally facing the truth.

"I... I do have feelings for... for... him." He ruffled through his hair as the truth echoed through the room and his gaze scurried from one corner to the other, well aware that he could not face Jiroushin. "How could I, of all people, the best swordsman in the world, coldhearted strategist, and an honorable teacher, let something that outrageous happen? Feelings for my disciple? But I cannot change it. It is the truth and I tried to ignore it."

He buried his face in his hands again as he became aware of his shame.

"I fell in love with Roronoa Zoro."

For an eternity it was terribly quiet, even Mihawk's thoughts – never quiet otherwise – seemed to have abandoned him. But then Jiroushin patted his shoulder.

"I know," he said, dropping on the bed next to Mihawk. "I think I've known this for so much longer than you."

Mihawk exhaled loudly.

"Which of course is nothing to be proud of, Jiroushin, as I have only been aware of it for a few days. Like a fool, I have denied and misunderstood my very own feelings."

"Well, don't be too harsh on you. After all, until now we didn't even know you were actually capable of such feelings at all, Hawky."

"Do not make fun of me, Jirou, not right now."

The other put an arm around Mihawk's shoulders.

"I'm not making fun of you, Hawky. I'm serious. Before your little miracle boy appeared, I could have sworn you weren't even able to fall for somebody."

"Should this build me up in any way? You are supposed to help me, Jiroushin, and honestly you are not doing a good job."

Jiroushin remained silent.

"Since when did you know?" Mihawk asked.

"Excuse me?"

"I only noticed it recently, I only noticed it when it was already far too late, but you have been making such comments for months. So, since when did you know? When did my feelings affect my behavior towards Roronoa?" Deeply inhaling, he leaned back. "I need to know, so I can evaluate since when I have behaved unprofessionally, when my feelings have stood in the way of Roronoa's development."

The blond pulled his arm back and supported it on his leg.

"So, if you ask me that... Hmm... Well, honestly, you've always behaved odd when it came to Zoro." Mihawk cast a doubtful glance to the other. "No, honestly. I remember how confused I was when you called me because of him. You gushed about him like a popstar."

"I did not," he reluctantly disagreed.

"Oh Hawky, you knew his eye color! Who pays attention to the eye color of an opponent during a fight, especially you, who couldn't even remember the faces of your own subordinates within two months?"

"I do not care for the unimportant, Jiroushin."

"And that's what I mean. For months you haven't called once and then you call, asking me to find out everything about a boy from the East Blue, even more to tell me everything, to swoon over him. You never swoon, over nothing, and as good as Zoro may be by now, back then he was still a bloody novice, more than just literally."

It was difficult for Mihawk to disagree with that, knowing that the other was right.

"All right," he muttered, "but that was not much more than interest, maybe enthusiasm about a promising talent, but I ask you since when you knew that I... that I... that I love him?" He shook his head slightly; those who believed that it would get easier after the first time were mistaken.

"Difficult question," Jiroushin commented next to him, "after all, you made up this whole farce about Lady Loreen."

Maybe that had been a mistake. Perhaps his fake affection had turned into reality.

"If I'm honest, I've already thought your behavior after Zoro's death..." Jiroushin drew quotation marks in the air with both hands. "... was worrying. You were completely out of your mind and I was really scared that you would plunge down the next cliff."

"Jirou…"

"But then Lady Loreen showed up and you seemed so... so happy, and we both know that's something unusual. I remember exactly the first morning when we talked about the straw hats – I really find it hard to accept that this girl in the far too big shirt was Zoro – he had headaches and you were annoyed the whole conversation, but at the same time you were so... alive." Jiroushin shook his head. "I've known you for almost 35 years now, Hawky, and if we're honest, you've been spending most of it trying to isolate yourself from the outside world, at least emotionally."

Mihawk did not respond.

"I mean, yes, we had our adventures and our fun; do you remember the Misriin-triplets?"

The name awakened something in Mihawk, but he did not recall more.

"I tried to court Isis for days," Jiroushin recalled with a soft smile, clearly wandering away, "and I ended up making a fool out of myself with her almost ignoring me."

In front of Mihawks's inner eye, the blurry figures of three people appeared. He remembered the island on the Grandline, where they had docked somewhat twenty years ago, and the triplet that had enchanted his entire crew.

"And our Eos mourned this Osiris for weeks, described him in so many ways you could've written books about it."

"Really? I did not know anything about that," he remarked thoughtfully, wondering why Jiroushin was recalling this little anecdote.

"Because you didn't even ask why the poor guy was howling day and night."

"Oh, Eos always cried about every little thing. So annoying."

"But of all of us, only you were successful, right? I mean, Horus and..."

"Jiroushin, what is your point? The past is the past and that was just..."

Mihawk did not understand why his friend mentioned those three energetic siblings.

"Well, Hawky, the whole crew had fallen for at least one of those three, all but you."

"So what? Please, what does any of this...?"

Groaning, Jiroushin rose and began to wander through the room again.

"Mihawk, these were the three most charismatic, attractive, and desirable people I have ever met..."

"Do not let Lirin hear that."

"... and you didn't even care. You had your fun, a little adventure, but after that you didn't waste another thought on those three, did you?"

Mihawk shrugged his shoulders.

"Of course not, why would I?" He admitted that all three siblings had been attractive and had radiated a seductive charm, but only because Mihawk had enjoyed their erotic bodies did not necessarily mean that he would feel something for them. For Mihawk, sensual pleasure had little in common with the deep affection he felt for Roronoa.

Jiroushin shook his head with a laugh.

"That's what I mean. I always thought that you can't feel like that at all and then Zoro comes along; ill-tempered, ill-glaring Zoro, and you fall head over heels. If I weren't so relieved that you're a normal person, I'd find it almost entertaining."

Mihawk found the situation far from funny and he did not like Jiroushin making fun of his emotional situation.

"Could we please come back to my question? This is not amusing, and you are no help at all."

"The ball."

Surprised, he looked up.

"The ball?"

Jiroushin had stopped and nodded.

"During the Marine ball, I knew something was wrong, that you were different from before. I've seen how you looked at her... at him. While dancing, from the table, when you were talking to each other. It was obvious that you were only there because of the woman in white."

Mihawk thought back to the Marine ball. Recalling the pomp and splendor; he recalled how he had asked the wrong girl to dance and how both Eizen and Nataku had tried to snatch Roronoa away from him. He recalled Roronoa's wrath because Mihawk had made one mistake after another that night and Roronoa had been on his own, and he remembered their first and last dance that night.

He remembered how happy he had been that among all the people Roronoa could have chosen, he had stayed with him, knowing full well, that there was no reason for Roronoa to actually leave with somebody else. He recalled asking Roronoa to take off the mask, and he remembered how Roronoa had looked at him.

"I remember what an impression he made, the first woman to ask a man for the last dance of the evening. I'm still surprised that you weren't punished for it," Jiroushin continued, "and you accepted and then you kissed him on the forehead. I would have understood the kiss of the hand, but I knew at that moment that you had fallen in love, that you were happy."

Mihawk remembered that very feeling, exactly that moment. But he also remembered the night after, the doubts and the inner turmoil. He remembered that certainty. That night he had known what he wanted, what he really wanted, and could never have, was not allowed to ever desire.

"That was almost nine months ago," he whispered, "that would mean that almost all my decisions were already influenced by my feelings."

Now Jiroushin shrugged his shoulders.

"Don't worry, Hawky. All your decisions concerning Zoro have always been influenced by your feelings."

"That does not help me, Jiroushin." Mihawk turned his gaze away and rubbed his neck. How could it be that he, analyst and strategist, had not noticed for months – no, had even denied – that he was no longer objective, had acted far from any objectivity.

"No, no, I don't think it does." Suddenly Jiroushin squatted down on the floor in front of him and looked up at him. "But it's nothing bad, Hawky. I even find it understandable. I don't know why, but when you're with Zoro, you get emotional, angry and gentle, childish and good-natured. You argue constantly and sometimes quite aggressively, but he never bears a long grudge against you and you get along quickly again. You're not an easy person, Hawky, and yet Zoro endures all your whims, yet he endures you and makes you laugh. In addition, he is probably one of the few people who can understand your passion to love the fight as you do, perhaps also to love the sword as you do. I understand that you are drawn to him, even if he is moody and only half your age."

Groaning, Mihawk leaned back.

"You are not making it better, Jiroushin!"

Laughing, the blond threw himself back on the bed next to him, but Mihawk was not laughing.

"Even if you are right," Mihawk muttered thoughtfully, "even if it were understandable, it is in vain. We both know that Roronoa will not stay with me, no matter what I do. His crew stands above everything, even above his own dream and besides, my feelings are one-sided. Roronoa does not feel the same for me as I do for him."

It hurt, almost more than his previous admission. Mihawk knew exactly why his prior efforts to keep a respectful distance from Roronoa had been in vain. Roronoa had long warned him that they should not become more than expectant rivals, but Mihawk had been so convinced that he was superior to his own emotions that he had not taken this warning seriously.

At last, he understood why there was such tension in their relationship; a disproportion that often led to discussions. Mihawk demanded that Roronoa treated him as a partner; someone whose opinion had to be included in the decisions of one's own life. He demanded of Roronoa that he entrusted things to him, revealing worries and secrets; Mihawk had demanded of Roronoa an emotional intimacy that existed only between few people and which Roronoa could never have fulfilled, never intended to fulfill. That was the reason why Roronoa often hurt him, because Mihawk left him no choice.

"Pathetic," he murmured quietly to himself.

"Don't say that," Jiroushin next to him mumbled. "You can't influence who you're in love with. So..."

The other did not continue his thought.

"So what?" Mihawk asked, as his best friend remained silent.

Jiroushin sighed.

"So I think it's unfair to expect Zoro to feel like you do."

"I am not! Of course, I do not expect..."

"I'm not done yet, Hawky," Jiroushin interrupted him with a raised hand. "You know, because I already knew what you didn't want to see, I tried to talk to Zoro about this subject a few times."

"Jiroushin, what have you...?"

"Calm down, damn it. I didn't reveal anything, but I thought it couldn't hurt to find out if he ... has certain inclinations or not."

"What does this even mean?"

The blond ripped slightly desperate both arms into the air.

"No idea! He's a pirate, so I've thought that gender and their roles don't matter to someone like him, but I wanted to make sure and check if he might even be spoken for."

"He is not, he..."

"I know that. Let me talk for once." Jiroushin sounded reckless. "The thing about all of this is, I don't think Zoro just doesn't return your feelings, I almost think he can't."

Confused, Mihawk stared at the other.

"What are you talking about, Jirou? If even I can desire another person, lust after him, why shouldn't Roronoa?"

A nasty grin crept over Jiroushin's moves.

"You're lusting after him?"

"Stay on the subject!" He slightly slapped the other man against the back of his head.

"Have you ever seen him fight," he murmured quietly afterwards, "when I see how he moves, how he concentrates and almost never lets himself be influenced by his feelings... Besides, half the time he walks around completely naked, how am I supposed to ignore such a perfect body, if..."

"Enough, enough," Jiroushin waved it off. "So, to make it clear. Apparently Zoro has no interest in... physical activities with other people or..."

"What are you talking about, Jiroushin?"

"Sex, Hawky, I'm talking about sex."

"You simply talked with him about that?" Mihawk blushed.

Now the blond took a deep breath.

"Why not, Hawky? Not everyone is as uptight as you are."

"Well educated."

"Uptight! But to get to the point: I think Zoro is only interested in his crew and his dream, and from what he told me doesn't seem like he has any sexual desire or lust. It seemed to me as if he had no idea what I was meant when I was talking about attraction and flirting. So either he's really very naive and really underdeveloped in these areas for his age or..." Jiroushin shrugged. "Or he just doesn't feel that way."

Mihawk knew nothing to say about that. It was true that he spoke much more reservedly on this subject than most – for heaven's sake, with no one but Jiroushin, he would be willing to have such a conversation, and even now it was almost too much for him – but even he had tried one or two things back when he had been sowing his wild oats and usually had not found them unpleasant.

He had also seldom succumbed to the charm of physical attributes, but that did not mean that Mihawk did not perceive them or enjoyed them from time to time. That was why he found it hard to believe that someone like Roronoa - who was in the prime of his years and should have a very healthy desire for such activities – should have no interest in such a thing.

On the other hand, Roronoa had been with Mihawk for months now, and the possibilities of getting some kind of that activity had been somewhat limited – and he doubted that Roronoa and Perona had such a relationship – so perhaps this possibility was not that absurd.

"So you mean," he repeated thoughtfully, "that Roronoa is not even capable of developing romantic feelings for me?"

"I didn't say that," the soldier replied, "just that he probably doesn't lust after you, just as he generally doesn't seem to long for sex. I think he just feels not sexually attracted to anyone."

Mihawk rubbed his face and evaluated Jiroushin's statement. Unlike Mihawk, Jiroushin seemed to see a firm connection between sexual desire and romantic feelings, which for Mihawk was not as self-depleting. For him, these two desires had completely different meanings, so he wondered what was actually true about Roronoa from Jiroushin's analysis.

"Be that as it may," Mihawk decided after a while, "whether Roronoa does not reciprocate my feelings or is not at all able to do so, it does not change the current situation. I take advantage of my relationship of trust with my student and have developed inappropriate feelings."

"Well, your situation is not that simple."

"But Jiroushin, it is just that simple and the solution is just as simple as well."

"So you don't want to tell him anything?"

"Of course not. Roronoa is already overwhelmed with our relationship as it is at the moment. He feels guilty about his crew, because he did not go back to them, and I am part of that decision. I am not going to make it harder for him over the next few months by imposing on him the knowledge of my one-sided feelings."

The soldier sighed heavily.

"So you're isolating yourself again?"

With a sad smile, Mihawk shook his head.

"On the contrary, I allow myself to remain as selfish as I am, staying close to him without him having to reflect on his words and deeds towards me. Of course I will have to control my own behavior better, but as long as he is ignorant, things can stay as they are and that is more than I can ask for."

Jiroushin remained silent.

"I am disappointed, Jiroushin. Actually, I would have thought that you would call me insane to fall in love with a child, especially if it is Roronoa."

"He's not a child," the other replied thoughtfully. "Of course, he's young, twenty or something, isn't he? But he often seems much more mature to me, in some things he looks almost older than you – and you basically look like an old man, no matter what it is – and as I said, you can't choose who you're in love with and he's similar to you, so... what the hell?"

He shrugged his shoulders.

"It saddens me that you are finally learning how love feels and that it is doomed to fail from the very beginning. Maybe you should talk to Zoro. It's cruel, Hawky, for both of you. That's not okay, really not okay."

"No, I doubt it is," Mihawk agreed, and stood up, "but it is what it is."

Jiroushin did the same and sighed again.

"Do I have your word that you will not tell Roronoa anything?"

"Oh, that you even feel the need to ask. Besides, I think he could have listened to this conversation here and still wouldn't understand what we're talking about."

With a smile, Mihawk went to the door.

"I do not know whether that should comfort me or not."

"Then see it differently. If he hasn't realized yet that you're interested in him - even though it's so obvious - he probably wouldn't even notice even if you were lying naked next to him in bed. So you don't have to worry about him suddenly finding out."

"That would be harassment," Mihawk muttered, but pondered how many times he had seen the other naked - in both figures - and whether Roronoa had ever seen him unclothed. But then he dismissed such ungallant thoughts. "However, tomorrow we will leave and then we will continue training, and I am looking forward to that now. He is slowly... Jirou, what is it?"

Pale as death the other stared at him.

"Leaving," he muttered, and then he ran to the door. "The fleet, damn it!"