Nicky was singing in Russian, a lullaby in a tongue she didn't really understand. Probably more than half of her words were being mispronounced but it didn't seem to matter. Whenever she could see Red getting worked up, Nicky would sing to her and be able to visibly see her shoulders relax. It was a song Red must have sung to her own sons and been sung to as a little girl. Now, it was the only way Nicky still knew how to reach her.
She had long let go of any hope that Red still sometimes knew who she was and recognized her. Nicky knew that she didn't. Yet, when she sang it drew Red to her. Nicky would be able to beckon her closer. Touch her. Hold her. She would get Red to curl up on her lap and comb her fingers through her hair as she let her lay there for hours. It was the most peaceful Red was capable of ever being now. The only time she got some relief.
For it had to be such a living hell to not know yourself, or where you are, or where you are going. To forget such basic tasks such as feeding, dressing, and toileting oneself, and to be incapable of understanding that the person attempting to help you meant no harm. She was completely lost. Her big blue eyes gave away how afraid she constantly was. She was quick to tears, never slept, rarely spoke, and put up a fight no matter what Nicky did. Nicky loved her anyway.
Taking care of Red had become her life's purpose. It had strengthened Nicky and made her a better person. When your life was about someone else's well-being, you didn't have time to think about yourself. Nicky hadn't been tempted to use at all since Red's condition had worsened. She was too busy taking care of her, and it broke her heart to recognize that even that wasn't enough anymore.
The closer she knew Vasily was getting, the harder it was for Nicky to breathe normally. She wasn't ready to give Red up. She had promised her to be there, right when they got the diagnosis together. She had been the one at Red's side through it all. Her sons hadn't written or reached out at all this whole time. If they had, Nicky might have been able to warn them and work with them to do the best for their mother. Now, she was just expected to surrender her into the waiting arms of a son who hadn't checked on her in over two years. To say she was panicked, was an understatement.
The prison nurse walked back into the room with some folded clothes in her arms. She set them on the cot. "I need to get her up now, and you need to get back to your unit."
Nicky shook her head. "No, let her sleep," she said, as though that settled it.
After the night Red had had, she knew that she needed it. Nicky had the cut on her cheek to show for it. It had been Red's worst night so far. Disturbing the unit's other occupants and catching the attention of the guards. It had been the final straw and something Nicky had been able to smooth over. The guards were already fed up that Nicky had stopped going to the kitchen and insisted on being with Red at all times. It had worked for awhile, but she wasn't able to cover up how much Red was deteriorating anymore. She took that as her own personal failure. She was not yet ready to say goodbye.
"They just paged up," the nurse flashed her a look of annoyance. "Her son is already here."
"We shouldn't wake her," Nicky said firmly, protectively pulling up Red's blankets and tucking them more tightly around her. "She will do better on the drive if she's had her sleep. He won't mind waiting."
"She needs to get dressed.
"I'll dress her when she wakes up on her own," Nicky insisted.
She looked the nurse directly in the eye and held her gaze. "Please," she pleaded. "This is going to be a hard enough adjustment for her as it is. The least we can do is not jerk her out of bed and into a strange car with no warning. Where's the compassion?"
"I'll see what they say," the nurse nodded.
She came back a few minutes later to tell Nicky that Vasily had agreed to wait, which raised him a little bit more highly in Nicky's esteem. She just felt so hopeless and panicked at the thought of being away from her. Incapable of helping and employing the ways she had learned with experience how Red was best soothed and comforted. Vasily wouldn't know how to do any of those things. He had already admitted that he didn't have time for her.
Downstairs, Vasily was telling himself the same things. He didn't know what he was getting himself into or how he was going to manage to do anything that she needed. He was anxious, horrified, and full of grief and shame for ignoring her when she needed him most. Yet, he'd showed up. He was here because he had to be, and he had called his brothers from the car and they both would be back by the end of the week.
Until then, he was on his own with her. Lida was feeling too unwell to take his mother on right now and he understood. She had called him from the car to let him know that she was going to stay with his father and his girlfriend for at least a few days. Klara would be able to help with the kids and Lida could get some rest. She had promised to go shopping for his mother before he got her home because they had nothing for her, but neither of them were exactly sure what she would need anyway. So much was uncertain right now.
So, Vasily didn't mind in the least when they asked him if he'd wait so his mother could finish her sleep. Anything to prolong the inevitable was fine with him, though he found it bizarre they'd care about something like that when Linda Ferguson had essentially threatened to drop his mother in a snowbank if he didn't get here promptly.
The medical files they had given him to read were incomplete and confusing. They showed him nothing more than that she had been diagnosed as having Dementia almost two years ago and didn't appear to have seen a doctor again until last night. They had prescribed her a bunch of drugs mere hours ago, and nobody bothered to explain to him what they did or the reasons why. He never would have expected prison medical care to be adequate, but this was ridiculous. It was obvious she had been neglected in here and nobody really cared what he did with her. They didn't want her to be their problem now, and Vasily felt like they were throwing him and his mother to the wolves.
Nicky would have agreed with him on that. Not only would Red not know her sons anymore, none of them even knew her. It was a recipe for disaster. They didn't have the time or the money to care for her the way Nicky expected. She alone had been there through this all. She had held Red when she got her diagnosis, she had watched out for her and protected her in every way. The more dependent Red became, the more Nicky had stepped up. She didn't trust anyone to do what she had been doing, and she was being forced to give her up anyway.
Her heart felt like it had dropped into her stomach when Red opened her eyes, but she forced herself to smile.
"Good morning, sleeping beauty," she said brightly.
Red began pushing her hands against her blanket, squirming beneath it. "You want this off?" Nicky asked her, pulling the blanket off of her in one swift motion. "There you go. I guess it is pretty warm in here."
Still holding Red's hand, Nicky placed her other on the small of Red's back and helped sit her back up into a sitting position. She kept both in place until she was sure she was steady.
"I think it's cold outside though," Nicky continued talking. "I think there's probably lots of snow too. We're going to get you dressed now so that you can go outside and see it."
She showed Red the clothes she was going to be put into. Grey sweatpants with a maroon sweatshirt, a bra, and a pair of socks. Red looked at every clothing piece, Nicky held out to her with a blank expression on her face. She did not move away or resist when Nick untied the hospital gown she was wearing and slipped it off. The briefs she had on were still dry, so Nicky got her up to use the bathroom and relieve herself.
While she did so, Nicky knelt down on the floor in front of her and used both of her hands to help Red stay still. "I love you, Ma," she croaked, and kissed her bare kneecap. She smiled reassuringly up at her, while Red's eyes scanned her own face with concern.
"I'm going to get you dressed now," Nicky explained to her, as she helped her back over to the bed. She always narrated whatever it was they were doing. Even if Red didn't understand what was being said, Nicky talked to her all the time. She liked to think that Red liked the sound of her voice, she always watched Nicky especially carefully when she was talking to her.
She dressed her as slowly as she could. Taking as long as she could possibly get away with. She could see the guards shifting impatiently just outside the door. The nurse had been in once to see how they were coming along, but she did not interfere except to implore Nicky to hurry it along. Nicky didn't listen.
As she was zipping up Red's jacket for her, the nurse came back in holding a needle. "This is a mild sedative," she explained to Nicky. "I'll get you to get her arm out for me."
"What were you doing five minutes ago?" Nicky rolled her eyes. Though she unzipped Red's jacket again, making a funny whistle sound with her mouth that made Red giggle. Nicky smiled at her, and then converted her whistle into a snorting sound as she gently tugged one of Red's arms out of her sweater. Red laughed even more loudly at that.
"Hold her tightly," the nurse instructed Nicky. "This will just be a quick prick."
Nicky entwined her fingers with Red's, and pressed their hands together firmly upon Red's lap. The nurse quickly wiped the spot on Red's arm and then stuck the needle in. Red almost jumped out of her seat, and Nicky pressed more firmly down on her lap to keep her in place. Red didn't make a sound now but tears rolled down her cheeks at the unexpected pain. She turned her head to watch a small trickle of blood roll down her arm before the nurse wiped it up with a cotton ball and placed a bandaid over the spot.
"It's okay," Nicky tried to reassure her, cupping Red's chin in her hand and gently making her look back at her. She smiled confidently, using every ounce of strength she possessed to not show how distressed she was.
"Time to go," the nurse told them. "I'm going to call for the guards now."
She walked back out, leaving Nicky to softly press her lips to the spot on Red's arm that the bandaid covered. She kissed her there twice, and then gently guided her arm through the sleeve of her sweater and coat. She zipped Red's jacket back up again, whistling a tune once again as she did so. Then she used her thumb to wipe dry the tear stained spots on Red's cheeks.
The guards had entered the room, making Nicky close her eyes briefly for a moment to catch her bearings. It had actually come to this. If they had seen before now just how bad Red's condition had deteriorated, they would have wanted to dump her out on the street, like Jimmy, a long time ago. The only reason they hadn't was because of Nicky covering for her all this time. It had worked well until yesterday, and now there was nothing she could do to persuade them to let her stay.
"Come on," Nicky coaxed, reaching for Red's hand. She smiled when Red squeezed her hand back and stood up obediently. She trusted her. Even if she had no clue who she was or why they had become so bonded. Nicky could sense that Red felt loved and safe when she was beside her. She could only hope Vasily would master how to reassure her the same way.
"You can't go with her," the first officer shook his head as Nicky and Red stepped closer to him.
Nicky looked alarmed. "I have to," she insisted.
"I'm to escort you back to your unit," the second officer came closer.
"No, I need to talk to him," Nicky implored them to see reason. "I need to tell him about her."
"You can call," the second officer said indifferently, reaching for her arm.
"He doesn't know what he has to do," Nicky jerked her arm away from him.
He looked taken-a-back, and reached his hand towards the handcuffs on his belt. Nicky met Red's eyes. They looked wide and alarmed at her raised voice, and that was enough to concede defeat. She wanted to see Vasily, pass Red off to him and give him some advice, but that wouldn't help things at all if she got Red upset first by fighting with the guards in front of her.
"Okay, okay," Nicky held her hands up in front of her in surrender. She let go of Red, and the nurse stepped ahead to take her place.
"You're okay," Nicky smiled at Red. Her eyes were glistening with tears now and she sniffled. Her lungs felt like they were not getting enough air. it was like she had a tennis ball in her throat. She cupped Red's cheek one last time and smiled at her, as the pooling tears began to fall. She was powerless to fight them.
"You're going with them now," Nicky choked, stroking Red's grey hair back one last time and tucking it behind her ear.
Then, hard as it was, she turned her back on her. Walked over to the guard who had threatened her with the handcuffs. He motioned for her to go ahead. Nicky walked out of the medical wing and as soon as she was outside, an ugly sob escaped her lips. She started crying so heavily that her shoulders shook. Yet, the guard gave her a small push on the small of her back and she had to keep walking.
She looked back only once. The nurse and the guard each had an arm around Red and were escorting her down the hall in the opposite direction. Nicky could see that she was not giving them an easy time of it. Her feet were dragging, she was refusing to take a step. So they had to walk her themselves, moving her along between them. Red was making grunting noises and kept trying to turn around.
She's trying to get back to me.
Nicky wanted to scream. Yet, she couldn't do anything about it. She could only continue to put one foot in front of the other, praying to God that Vasily would figure out how to do the right thing.
